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Sunday, August 2, 2009

Moment By Moment

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I'm feeling in much better spirits today, and have decided that I'm just going to take it moment by moment, and not be so hard on myself. I still don't feel any different about losing weight, and I'm still determined to do that, but I really am going to try to do it in a way that doesn't negatively impact my health. That specifically means that I'm going to make a huge effort to stop the purging. I know that restricting isn't necessarily healthy, but at this moment, it feels like the safest thing for me to do. I'm still eating, but only a minimal amount, which is just enough to not make me want to feel like purging. The feeling of any amount of fullness only upsets me and makes me feel bad about myself, and that, I don't need. This is the choice that I'm making for now, but it doesn't mean that will be the choice for tomorrow, and I'm leaving myself open for that. I am in no means trying to slowly kill myself, because I do really believe that I can control the weight loss at a certain point. I think that most of the problem is that I've damaged my metabolism to the point where I only need the minimum amount of calories to function. When I try to eat what is the normal amount of calories for someone my age and size, I maintain a weight that feels uncomfortable and unattractive for me to be happy with. My nutritionist may not agree with this, but that is the conclusion that I have come to, whether it is accurate or not. Anyway, that is the choice that fits at this moment, so that is the one that I'm going with for today. I do want to thank everyone who has been commenting. Your advice and concern mean a lot to me. The blogging world is filled with many kind and wonderful people, and I appreciate all of you who take the time to let me know that you care. Oh, and by the way, this is my 501st post on this blog, and over 100 of those have been poetry, so while you are here, feel free to check out some of my poems:)

7 Comments:

Liane Jerry said...

The voice whispers
You have nothing to fear
If you don't eat you will
disappear.
The voice whispers
It will be ok
The "perfect" weight is
One less meal away.
The voice whispers
I know the way
Controlling food makes
All life's problems go away.
A different voice whispers
There is another way.

koe said...

Angela - congratulations on 500+ posts. . . I'm glad you were feeling better today.

PJ said...

that's the spirit that i was waiting for! day by day, that's all any of us can really do. good job!

Shinade aka Jackie said...

Well this post just made my day!! Hey if day by day doesn't work then use minute to minute!

Congratulations on your 500+ post milestone!

You are just so lovely and I truly do care about you so very very much!

Hugs,
Jackie:-)

Shinade aka Jackie said...

I just ate a muffin..
My brain says you're stuffin'...
Whispers I hear calling out fat...
You must go and rid yourself of that..
But, for the this moment I know...
If I wait for just a few moments more..
I will be able to defeat this wicked trick...
And chose health over being sick!

Corny, I know but it works for me!!:-)

Angel said...

Thanks Jackie! You crack me up:-D

Leonie said...

Hiya Angela,i love your blog and the strength that radiates through your words. Reading this particular post brings back a lot of memories for me interms of your description of how you feel towards food and eating to much. I used to have the same eating disorder about 4 years ago.I don't want to go into it much as it is something that i have now laid to rest,but i will say that i spent years struggling with weight and self confidence issues. I have now reached a point in my life where i can easily say "I love me and my body." I wasted years disliking myself and the mirror because for some reason, my mind and vision was clouded by negative energy that caused me to see something or not see something in myself that was not visible to others.Anyway i have come a long way since then and if i can i would love to help you to learn to feel more comfortable in YOUR OWN skin, i mean obviously everyone has their own reasons - it's different for everybody but one thing that remains the same for everyone is that it's not a nice place to be!