Here and Now

Family Pic 2007 I'm emotional tonight in such a beautiful way, and for many reasons. Our number three son (in the white t-shirt) just moved to college, and he is the first of our children to make this transition. He is a mere forty five minutes from our home, and it would definitely tug more forcefully at my heart if he were further in distance, but it still changes the dynamics of our family, and his constant presence will be missed. I have prepared myself for this inevitable moment since the day he was born, because that is how I am. A piece of me always knew when I had children not to hold on too tightly, because they eventually fly on their own. Today I learned that there really is nothing more rewarding than watching your child soar toward their own destiny, knowing that you helped to raise a kind and loving individual who will contribute greatly to this world. I'm proud of my son, and I'm also proud of us as a family. We have survived some tough times, but I ...

I was searching for some old pictures of the boys to post on facebook for "Throwback Thursday." and stumbled across an old picture of myself wearing a bikini. It is ironic since I am planning on a trip to the pool with a friend today. I inhaled sharply, and quickly shuffled past it, but it wasn't fast enough to avoid the blank look on my face, the sharp collar bones, and outline of my ribcage. A friend had taken my picture at the public pool where I spent the summer with the boys. I had already given birth to all of them, and I was wasting away. I would go for days living on apple slices, and taking dozens of laxatives to get rid of everything. I wanted to be clean...empty... Today, I will put on my swim suit. It is not a bikini, although I could wear one if I wanted. My shoulders are strong; no longer sharp and bony. I have curves and more than enough flesh to cover my ribs. There is a light in my eyes, and more importantly, I am alive. I am alive...

I am wide awake, when I should be sleeping, but my mind cannot rest, and my heart is racing madly. I'm out of my routine I suppose, and life is buzzing loudly; insistant that I sit up and take notice. I'm so alive that it feels as if an electric current is running throughout my body, and it is not entirely pleasant. Changes are happening all around me, and with change comes a certain amount of discomfort. These changes are everything I've dreamt of, and it feels so unreal at times to believe that I can even have these things that I've wanted. I'm beginning to teach some yoga classes at a couple of studios in town, and it is amazing to me to love it as much as I hoped I would. I wasn't sure... I mean, I love my yoga practice, but there is a difference between practicing and teaching. A large portion of recovery for me has been sharing my journey with other people who are struggling to find their way, and that has mainly been sharing my story through writin...

I found this picture, and because it is a time to give thanks, I thought I would honor my four boys, Christian, Logan, Justice, and Roman...who have taught me so much. I think that mostly they have made me realize how large is my capacity and overwhelming ability to love unconditionally. It feels like yesterday that I held them in my arms, and although at times I miss their baby years, it is amazing to have grown young men surrounding me. There is not a day that goes by that they don't manage to bring a smile to my face. As I write this at 2:00 a.m., my 21 year old walks through the door and sits at the kitchen table to chat, so I will finish this post later... Awww, we had a great talk about his school, girlfriend, and just his life in general. He is great at sitting up with me when I can't sleep. Someday soon he will be out on his own, and I will miss this. I am so grateful, thankful, and blessed to have these wonderful boys. I wouldn't have it any other way. Happy Than...

I'm on my way back home to Kansas tomorrow morning, and leaving is bittersweet. I've had such a nice time with my family, and it is hard for me to be away from them. We were so close for a long time, and my mom and I practically grew up together. Through the divorce, we went through a lot, and she taught me what it meant to have strength. I miss Dave and the boys though, and I will be happy to get back to them. Tonight I went to a Japanese restaurant for dinner, and then I called Dave when I got home, and they were having Bagel Bites, so I did feel a bit guilty. Not too much though! I have been pampered and well taken care of here. It has been nice. I've been anxious because I haven't been able to walk on the treadmill while I've been here, but I know it is good to have a break, and not to be so hard core and obsessive about it. That is what I keep telling myself! I feel like I've gained weight since I've been here, but I'm sure that's all in my head...

Here is an older picture of the boys with their Dad. I couldn't find a more recent one, but I like this. Happy Father's Day to all of you great dad's out there! I would like to especially say Happy Father's Day to my step-dad, who is the best dad that a girl could hope for. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long before you showed up in my life to bring your love. I love you!

I'm feeling a bit down and lethargic at the moment. I need to get back on track after our busy weekend. The reunion was fun, but maybe I'm too old to party two nights in a row! Sunday, all I did was lay around, and now I'm feeling guilty for being so unproductive. I slept in this morning, so I'm not off to a great start. I think part of the reason that I'm down is that I didn't refill my medication in a timely manner, and I've missed a couple of doses. I called in my prescription this morning though, so that will help. I know, I know...not good! I saw my psychiatrist on Saturday, and she gave me something that should help with my insomnia and racing thoughts. It is called Risperidone, and I only have to take it as needed. I hate taking more medication, but I will try it. God, it feels like I've tried just about everything! In other news, son #4 left for basketball camp yesterday. He is staying in the dorms at KU, and probably causing all kinds of trouble...

Today eating is not going so well, in fact, actually it is not going at all. Why does it feel so hard to walk into the kitchen and fix myself something to eat? If someone else made it for me, the likelihood that I would eat would probably increase. The act of actually nurturing myself is so very difficult. I want confirmation that I deserve to eat…that I am worthy. Crazy, huh? I plan on eating dinner, but that is the best that I can do today, considering that it is already 4:30. I'm trying not to beat myself up for it. I know that there will be days like this, but I wish that I could pinpoint why some days are easier than others. Oh well...here are some other random things to talk about besides eating disordered behaviors:) We are having an amazingly beautiful thunderstorm here at the moment. I lit some candles in the house, and turned on the twinkle lights that adorn the mantle on my fireplace. It is pretty. I like it:) Today #4 son brought home a piece of crap garage sale chair t...

Our 2nd day of summer, and Roman ended up in the ER. I should have had my mom radar on when he and a friend decided to put face paint on and go out playing in the creek behind our house. He walked out of the house with face paint, an old army helmut, and a walking stick in his hand. An hour later, he walked back into the house with blood pouring down his face. For a minute, I thought that he was pulling a prank on me, but that unfortunately was not the case! He was playing in the creek, he was running, and hit his head on the top of a sewer drain. Dave took him into the ER, and he needed 11 stitches on the inside, and 4 on the outside. The doctor said that he could see Roman's skull. Having boys can be so scary! I'm losing count of the broken bones and stitches we have had over the years. Hopefully the rest of this summer won't be so filled with drama. My heart can only stand so much:)

This was the first family portrait that we had taken twelve years ago. Look at my babies! They were so small, and the time has just flown by. I love everything about being a mom. Watching them grow and change into the wonderful young men that they are becoming. My love for them is overwhelming and unconditional. You would think that having an eating disorder would have made it hard for me to be pregnant, but those were the times that I absolutely loved my body and felt the most beautiful. I took care of myself like no other time in my life, cherishing the new lives that I was carrying. They are the best part of my life! I hope that everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day, especially my mom, who I miss and love very much.

Life feels so amazing and beautiful today, as if everything is filled with a golden light. The colors I see seem brighter, my heart flutters like a butterly’s wings, and the world spins around in a whirl of dizzying emotions. I’m a child turning in circles, and then falling down to the ground, the clouds flying above me. Good Things Of The Day~ I went to my youngest son, Roman’s basketball game, and his team won. He played awesome, and I’m proud of him. Watching him out there makes me nervous though. I sit on the edge of my seat, with my hands sweating :-) I have laughed so much with my boys. (I have four) They bring me so much joy.(most of the time) I talked with my mom on the phone this morning. It was nice to talk to her, and update her on all of the boys antics and activities. I also talk to her about my worries and concerns. It feels good to have someone besides my husband who listens and cares. I love you, Mom! I don’t hate my body today. I actually feel comfortable in my own ski...

Nothing stays static, everything constantly moving and changing, and it makes me feel fearful and unsafe in this world. My son had a car accident this evening, and although no one was hurt, I still have this sickening worry in the pit of my stomach. I'm going to try to get through this anxiety by writing. It always seems to help. Good things that happened today~ My son is okay. It was warm, and the sun was shining. I got to ride on the back of a motorcycle. I had fun with my co-workers. I laughed a lot. I ate real food for lunch. Bad things that happened today~ The front end of my cute, red HHR is bashed in. My toenail polish chipped and I was wearing sandals(very tacky:-D) Therapy was painful. We can't afford all of these expenses. There, the good outweighs the bad. That was all I needed to do was to count my blessings, of which I have many. Everything can be fixed. My car, my toenails, my psyche. The money is another story, but somehow we will work it out. We always do.

I just had a pretty good sized bowl of chili for dinner. It was all that I could manage to allow myself for today, but that is okay. I sat down with my family, and Dave is home, so it was all good, and I enjoyed it. I don't really have much to say. I felt like writing here though, and maybe I'm hoping to sort through some thoughts that are swirling about. I had a rough night last night, and wasn't even able to write about it earlier. I had horrible nightmares all night, and finally went ahead and got up around 4:30 a.m. They were dreams about the rape, and feeling like I couldn't fight back. I could feel their hands everywhere, but could not move a muscle. It was horrifying. When I got up, I immediately got into the bathtub, which is a dangerous thing for me to do because I tend to dissociate when I do that, but I just had to get the feel of them off of me. Dave wasn't home yet, and I was feeling shaky, so I called my step dad and my mom, and tried to connect with e...

I'm so tired, but I wanted to share how my first day of school with my classroom of boys was, and I'm happy to report that it was wonderful. They have already touched my heart. I get so emotional for some reason when I work with these kids, and I can already tell that I'm going to be able to connect with this group of boys. The staff is also great, and I feel like we are going to be a really positive team. Three of the boys are non-verbal, but the other one is highly verbal. He already asked if anyone else in the classroom talked! Poor guy. He is fairly social, and has mainly been placed in this classroom because of his aggressive behavior, which we haven't observed so far. There always seems to be a honeymoon period at the beginning of the school year though. This weekend went so quickly, and I'm already getting ready for the beginning of the week. 5:00 a.m. comes early! Last week I got up every day to walk with my neighbor, and I feel like that is an important thi...

I'm back on the trail, walking with purpose, winding my way again towards the light. I went walking again this morning with my neighbor. Although I like walking alone better, having someone to hold me accountable motivates me to actually get out there and do it. There is a beautiful wooded trail that runs directly behing my house, so it is very convenient to be able to step right outside my back door to get some exercise. I'm already feeling much better, and to be honest, I'm proud of myself for quickly recognizing where I was headed, and doing something about it before it became too dark. Depression has a way of sinking into your bones until you literally become paralyzed, or at least that is how it feels to me, and I refuse to let the rest of this summer slip away from me in that way. There is entirely too much to enjoy and live for. Depression robs you of all the small joys in life that should never be taken for granted. Yesterday I got such a kick out of my two youngest...

Here are some pictures taken at the Grand Canyon. All that I can say about seeing it is WOW! I was awe struck by how immense and beautiful it is. It was also a bit intimidating to peer over the edge. Dave and Roman climbed down a ways so that they could stand on the edge of one of the rocks, and about gave me a heart attack. The other boys and I were too afraid to do that. It was a fun time, and after we had veiwed the canyon, we headed to Phoenix, Arizona, where we are staying now with Daves cousin, wife, and four kids. It is a full house, and right now I am listening to all of them laughing and playing the Wii. Dave went golfing, and I'm going to head out to the pool to relax and enjoy the warmth of the sun.

Yesterday after we left my sister and brother-in-laws, we drove through Moab, Utah. Dave and I really enjoyed the beautiful scenery, but the boys were not nearly as impressed. They were getting irritated with our frequent stops to take pictures. They even waited in the van while Dave and I tried to hike up to see one of the arch formations called The Delicate Arch. The hike started out okay, but then it became really steep, and after about an hour, we turned around and went back down. Oh well...we still enjoyed ourselves. Maybe it is our age, but Dave and I are in awe at all that we are seeing, but the boys take it for granted. Of course they have a lot more time in their lives to see amazing things I suppose. Today, we are off to see the Grand Canyon. I hope that they will enjoy that, and not complain so much! I will of course post more pictures:)

I just returned from a morning hike through Mcinnis Canyon in Fruita, Colorado. It was a lot of up hill climbing, and I started thinking about how I wouldn't have been able to do it at all if I was still actively engaged in my eating disorder. I would most definitely have passed out. I have to remind myself of all of the things that I can now enjoy because I am healthy, and that is what makes me want to stay healthy, and not fall into old behaviors. I'm doing really well with the food on our trip. It does feel like we eat a lot though. The boys are always hungry, so sometimes it feels like our day revolves around when, where, and what we are going to eat. I'm doing okay with fast food places and restaurants, and I don't find myself really stressing at all about eating. I'm really just trying to take it easy on myself, and when I do catch myself worrying about my weight or what I look like, I immediately do what I can to turn those thoughts off. I'm so thankful t...

Yesterday we drove through the Colorado National Monument, stopping at various lookout points to take in the view of the parks deep canyons, and of course, take some pictures.

We are already having so much fun on our trip. The boys were really excited to stay in the hotel on our first night. We arrived in Goodland, Kansas earlier than we thought we would, and thought about going ahead and driving to Denver, but the boys couldn't wait to hang out in the hotel room, and swim in the pool. Yesterday we stopped and had lunch in Breckenridge, Colorado, so here are some pictures. Today we are in Grand Junction, visiting my sister and brother-in-law, where we will be staying until Sunday. We have a beautiful view of the Grand Mesa, and are going to go exploring today. I will post more pictures soon:-)