Here and Now

Work is really wearing me out lately. I have an aggressive student in the morning, and then I spend the afternoon in the autism pre-school. It makes for a very exhausting day. Today when I came home, all that I really wanted to do was park my butt on the couch and be lazy, but I got on the treadmill instead, and now I feel so much better. I really had to talk myself into it, but I'm glad that I did. I'm doing okay with food this week after a rough weekend. I miss breakfast, but I have been taking my lunch to work in the afternoon. Dinner seems to be the most difficult. I either don't eat, or I eat and then purge it. I'm not sure why I'm struggling so much with it, and it is very frustrating, especially the purging. It is almost like having an out of body experience when I do it, and it really does scare me because it feels so out of control. I just feel like I can't have the dinner food and calories inside of me. My therapist tries to tell me that it is not abou...

The Empty Room I feel myself floating away The darkness pulls and do I choose to fall into the abyss this night of silent screams and waking dreams? Am I somehow to blame as I fight them off now? Will I finally win? You drag me kicking to the surface my limbs flailing flinging my clothes into the air Somehow I'm alone with my fury raging i nto an empty room Angela Minard 2009©

One of our damaged pear trees. My new HHR, aka Lucy. We are getting a late March snowstorm here in Kansas this afternoon, and sadly, our beautiful blooming pear trees in our front yard are breaking with the weight of the ice and snow. It makes me very sad. A few years back we lost our willow to an ice storm, and now this. We will have a lot of cleaning up to do tomorrow. Hopefully we can do it ourselves, and the city will haul it away, because otherwise it is going to cost us quite a bit of money. Anyway, on to better news...Yesterday I got a new car! The lease on my P.T. Cruiser was up this month, so we bought a cute, candy apple red HHR. It has more room than the Cruiser, and rides really nice. I always like to name my cars, so I have christened this one Lucy, after Lucille Ball...Feisty and red. Other than that, there is not much else going on. Work has been stressful. I'm working with an aggressive student who bites, kicks, hits, screams, scratches, and pinches. I think that co...

We are headed to Friday, and I can't even begin to say how glad I am. It has been a rough week at work with the kids at school. Transitioning back to school after the spring break is hard for everyone, but especially for kids with autism. I was bit by a student yesterday, and my preschool kids in the afternoon kept wanting to tear out of the classroom at full speed. I'm glad I wear my running shoes to work! I will definitely be ready for the weekend. Last Saturday I had a dissociative episode that really scared my husband and my therapist. I guess that they had a hard time getting me to come back out of it, although I don't remember anything. From what they tell me, I was physically out of control, kicking and screaming, and putting up a big fight. It took them awhile to pull me out of it, but I'm just glad that they didn't have to take me to the hospital. That is one of my worst fears right now. I was really worn out on Sunday, and pretty much slept and rested for ...

Dave and I just returned from our couples session. It always helps to say things that we are too afraid to say to each other when we are alone. We talked about how we both try to protect one another. I don't want him to know how afraid I am to lose him because I'm scared that it will burden him, and he does the same for me. All that does is fuel the fear though, so we need to learn how to communicate those feelings. We also talked about my recent purging behavior. I feel so much guilt over so many things, especially my suicide attempt. I also feel guilty over the fact that sometimes I still don't want to be here. I'm so full of feelings, and that is where the purging comes in. That empty feeling after purging is such a relief, at least for a little while. I feel so unworthy, and like I am a bad person, and at times those feelings overwhelm me. There is nothing that anyone can say to change those feelings. I know that it is something that I will have to discover within ...

Last night I had an emergency session with my therapist, and though it did help some, I still feel very confused and lost. We talked about the purging, and why I have found a new behavior to use. It makes sense that because all of my other behaviors have been taken away, I would find a new way to cope. I know that it has nothing to do with the food or my weight, although to me, it still feels like that IS what it is about. That is how the eating disorder works though, I suppose. This weekend I finished my poetry manuscript that I have been working on, so I was very excited to take it in for my therapist to see. Working on my writing has been one positive thing about my recovery, so it was important for me to get it finished. I am going to start sending it off to publishers, and hope that eventually it will be published by someone. If not, I will probably just self publish it. In any case, it feels like an accomplishment, and something that I needed to do for myself. Dave and I have a...

I have a friend who has recovered from anorexia, and she is a wonderful role model for me, and also someone that I always have a lot of questions for. This week I have really been struggling, and so I contacted her for some support because I'm very scared and confused right now. This was an e-mail that I wrote to her~ I'm struggling a bit and have some questions for you. Did you ever feel like you would be happier if you could have your eating disorder back? I feel like I wish that I could restrict better...like I used to, and like I have lost something. I think that I was happier before. I miss the euphoria that I used to feel when I was restricting. I'm also starting to purge which is something that I've never really done, and it scares me. That just started this week, and I have told my team about it, but haven't had any sessions since it started, so they haven't been able to help me to figure out what the hell is going on. I just don't understand why I...

Ashamed. Failing and flailing. Lost as how to fix what I cannot feel. All of the joy trapped beneath the pain. Never good enough to grasp a hold of all that I could be.

Life can be so strange and ironic at times. I just finished a poem about the decision that I had made not to get back in contact with my dad, and the next day, my aunt calls, pleading with me to write or call him. She tells me that he has really turned his life around, and that he just wants a second chance to have a relationship with me. I already knew that from the letter that he sent me, but I wasn't so sure that he had changed. I feel like hearing that should make me want to change my mind, but for some reason, it just doesn't, and I wonder if that makes me a bad person. Why am I so unforgiving? My aunt also told me that my cousin will be getting married in November, and she wants all of us to come to the wedding. I would like to go, but that would mean seeing my dad. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should try, but something is holding me back from writing or calling him, and I'm not quite sure what it is. You know...that is not true. I think that I d...

I've decided not to respond to my dads letter that he wrote to me a few months back. It just feels right...at least at this moment it does. Chance The letter still lies in a drawer unanswered and too much time has passed It's easier to let you go less pain to look forward to Maybe I can move on just knowing that you tried I wanted you to fight to hold on to us so long ago but we were never enough Maybe I will write and maybe this time I will be too late but that is the chance that I will have to take Angela Minard 2009©

After so many years of starving myself, I’m feeding my body, and it hurts. It physically and emotionally causes me pain. This year of recovery has been so difficult. It took my body awhile before I was actually feeling hunger. I had ignored the hunger signals to my body for so long that when my body started to respond, it was terrifying to me, but I could no longer deny the hunger. I need food, and I hate to need anything. Yesterday, I was driving home from work to take a lunch break, when suddenly I began crying because I was so hungry, and I didn’t want to feel it at all, and it was intense. What if I went home, and I couldn’t stop eating? What if I became this bottomless pit of wants and needs? What if a simple sandwich wasn’t enough and I wanted more? The questions were overwhelming. It was scary to be unable to turn off the hunger, but I went home, made myself a sandwich, and it was enough. I survived one more hurdle, and that feels so good!

Stage Fright I don't know the answers I don't know my lines I can't hear the music I can't find the time The dancers are shoeless The mime turns to speak Stage left and stage right behind the curtain they creep Abandoned, alone in the glare of the lights All eyes are on you It's your opening night Blindly, you see beyond the back row of darkness The echo of laughter A single shadow of fright Angela Minard 2009©

I haven't been here lately, I know. I wonder if I mean that literally, and I think, yes...I do. I also feel that I've run out of words for what I'm going through. I'm tormented, yet hopeful... Sad, angry, in love with life, and afraid to live... afraid to feel. Pins and needles raining down and I feel raw and exposed... throbbing with pain, so alive. Every day, I wonder if I can do this, and then, amazingly... I do. I cry more than I ever have in my whole life. I get mad over little things. I don't feel like myself, and then, again, maybe I am finding out who I really am. Complicated, imperfect, filled with love and light, trying to hold on, and not give up... to lift up my soul, and dance.