Stumbling

Last night I had an emergency session with my therapist, and though it did help some, I still feel very confused and lost. We talked about the purging, and why I have found a new behavior to use. It makes sense that because all of my other behaviors have been taken away, I would find a new way to cope. I know that it has nothing to do with the food or my weight, although to me, it still feels like that IS what it is about. That is how the eating disorder works though, I suppose.

This weekend I finished my poetry manuscript that I have been working on, so I was very excited to take it in for my therapist to see. Working on my writing has been one positive thing about my recovery, so it was important for me to get it finished. I am going to start sending it off to publishers, and hope that eventually it will be published by someone. If not, I will probably just self publish it. In any case, it feels like an accomplishment, and something that I needed to do for myself.

Dave and I have a therapy session together on Friday. I'm hoping that together we can gain some more understanding about what is going on with my recovery, or lack of it at the moment. I know that he is probably even more confused than I am, if that is even possible. For now, I'm going to keep holding on to all of the positives in my life, and try to stay in the here and now, because worrying about the future and all that I could possibly lose, always trips me up. I may be stumbling, but I refuse to fall.