Here and Now

The Sound Of Your Voice so shrill Never a whisper, no, you always yell How much you hate the reflection of me Making sure that I hear every word you say I've memorized each ugly phrase carved deep into my skin while you hold the knife so lovingly You're not a lover You're not my friend Yet over and over I come back again Losing myself Believing your lies Hands held over my mouth screaming inside I remain nothing but mute Angela Minard 2009©

I'm not really sure why, but I feel very cranky and out of sorts today. It could have something to do with the fact that I was gouged by my husbands long toenails first thing this morning. It is not exactly the way I like to begin my day.( sorry honey...just being honest ) I also feel very uncomfortable with my body, and one of my first thoughts besides OUCH !, was... I'm not eating today. I think what is hard for me is that I don't have many clothes to wear right now at this current weight, and I hate it. I really love clothes, and fashion. I used to look forward to getting dressed and putting an outfit together, but right now, I just dread it. I know that it sounds really superficial, but it does make me sad. Yesterday I felt so motivated to be healthy, and do everything the right way, but today, all that I feel is impatient. I'm not sure that I have the patience to lose this weight the correct way. I know that if I just severely restricted my food, it would go quick...

I dream of my body in it's prior anorexic state, and in the dream, I'm happy, giddy, laughing with joy, and then I awaken to how I feel now, which is worn down, lethargic, and sick. For a moment, I buy into the illusion, but it doesn't take me long to realize that it is only Claudia , trying to sink her claws into my sleeping world because she has lost so much of her hold on me while I'm awake. Anorexia is what has broken down my body and my spirit, and now I'm fighting to gain back not only my health, but my life. There are still so many moments when I think that my life isn't worth saving, and those are the moments when I have to put my loved ones ahead of myself. I may not feel like I am worth fighting for, but I will fight to stay here for them. Always.

It is very hard to ignore the voice of my eating disorder when I'm feeling so physically uncomfortable and bloated. None of my pants fit right now because of this, and with the weather cooling off, it is really upsetting me. I do not want to have to go out and replace my wardrobe. I'm questioning whether or not the Lexapro is what made me gain weight so quickly in the first place, and I'm contemplating tapering off of it. I will be able to call and make my appointment for a colonoscopy on Monday, and I should probably wait and see what the results of that are before I do anything, but I'm feeling so miserable and impatient! I have to stay very near a restroom with all of the MiraLax that I'm having to take, and I'm very frustrated with this whole thing. Even more frustrating, I think, is the fact that I have brought all of this onto myself. If I had known that refeeding and restoring my weight would be so hard for my body to handle, I honestly don't know i...

Claudia Dig a shallow grave for my shallow soul Hollow, hollow This empty fight She holds out her hand in the darkening shadow of my fading light Incandescent, A wavering flame, onetime burning bright Shadow, shadow Nowhere to run She is the phantom night Angela Minard 2008©

Last night, I was afraid...afraid to feel, to be alone, with only the negative voice in my head to contend with. I won though...that voice did not win. After I dropped the boys off at football practice, I used every tool that I could think of, not to do something damaging and self destructive. I came home, I wrote out my feelings, and as I was writing, my mom called on the phone. It was wonderful to hear her voice, and know that she arrived home safely. I also decided to call my best friend who I hadn't talked to in a while, and we made plans to get together this weekend. I was still feeling a bit anxious, so I put in my headphones, listened to some music, and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Even though I had already walked earlier, I felt it was the least destructive out of some of the other activities that I could have picked. I felt so much better after that, picked up the boys, and by that time, Dave was home, and I had made it through my anxiety. Yesterday, I was going...

Last night we had Dave's family over for dinner so that they could see all of the work that my mom and I did to the house. It was a very nice evening. This morning we are all up early, and just said goodbye to my mom, who is driving back to Florida for the next two days. It is going to be strange without her, after a month of her being here to whip us all into shape. I'm sure that I will feel a bit lost for a few days. I plan on starting my yoga classes. Now that I'm eating healthy, I also want to do something else that is good for my body. I haven't been on the treadmill or exercised at all while my mom was here, except for all of the painting that we did! It is time to start treating my body right with food and exercise. I hear Claudia's voice in the distance, and I know that I have to be careful not to become obsessed with exercising, because that is also a tendency of mine, but I think that I am strong enough to control it now. It is important for me to recogniz...

I'm really trying to challenge myself to stick to my meal plan, and not skip any meals, even though I'm feeling uncomfortable with my body. The urge to restrict is strong, and Claudia is loud, but so far I've been able to ignore her. Yesterday afternoon we went to see a movie, and I ate some candy. I wasn't really hungry later in the evening, and thought about skipping dinner, but I forced myself to eat a salad and a piece of salmon. I'm also usually very horrible when it comes to eating breakfast, but lately I have been having a bowl of yogurt with some granola sprinkled on top. Today I even had some fruit to go with it. I do have tons more energy, and my mood, as long as I'm not obsessing about my weight, is great. I know that I just have to sit with all of these uncomfortable feelings, and the rest will work itself out eventually. I just have to have faith, keep believing, and continue to challenge myself, even though I'm afraid.

I wrote this e-mail to my therapist a few days ago, as I'm really struggling with food and feeling hunger. It has been so long since I actually have felt the physical sensations of being hungry, and now that I'm once again feeling them, it is quite terrifying. "I want to get as far away from myself as possible. All of this eating and trying is like a bad joke. Each day that passes leaves me in more of a mess. I can't stand myself! *Claudia needs me to go too. I'm so tired of feeling like this. These feelings of hate and rage, no one else to stand up and take the pain. Always me. Eating makes the pain so unbearable...the rage and disgust that I feel knows no bounds. Only emptiness." *Claudia is my eating disorder I'm so afraid of the hunger that my first reaction is to try ignoring it and restricting my food, but eventually I give in and feel like a failure. It is a vicious cycle. I talked with my nutritionist, and she said to think of food and nutrition a...

I've eaten well this week, and I tell myself that this is good, but still... I am afraid. I'm afraid to get undressed, to take a shower, to look at or even touch my body in any way. Claudia's voice whispers. It is an angry, hissing whisper, which tells me; she too, is filled with fear. Marya Hornbacher, author of the book Wasted says, "The voice of the eating disorder is stronger than any other voice in the world. I can only imagine, but it's got to be like the call of heroin, or alcohol, if you're an alcoholic or an addict. You will put aside everyone and everything, you will do exactly what you know is not right, for this voice. I called my eating disorder "The Bitch". She sort of sat on my shoulder and hissed in my ear. I mean, this is not hallucinating that there's someone on my shoulder hissing in my ear. But it really does feel like there is someone always behind you, watching what you do." I agree. The voice of my eating disorder is s...

I started a blog on myspace almost a year ago, titled Conversations With Claudia , and this was my first post. Who is Claudia? She is not my friend, but she has been a part of my life for a very long time. She is the voice of my eating disorder. A voice that over time, has crowded out my own thoughts and beliefs. I'm hoping that someday I will leave her behind. I have an amazing therapist and also a nutritionist who thought it would be a good idea to give my eating disorder a seperate identity from myself. It would be a way to delineate between my own voice and the voice of the eating disorder. I'm finally beginning to see how often Claudia talks to me. She is bossy, demanding, snide, snotty, and degrading. She is also the one with the control most of the time, but I know that needs to change if I am to survive. I remember the first time she spoke to me. I was seven years old, sitting in church, and looking down at my thighs as I sat in the pew. "Your legs are so fat,...

I'm holding on to everything that I can right now. I'm holding on to Dave, my kids. I'm holding all of this love from everyone so deep inside of my heart. Holding on so tight that my whole entire being feels like an open wound. How many times can I say how very afraid I am? I'm so afraid to let go of the eating disorder. I hold on to Claudia(aka, my ED) more than anything or anyone else. I trust that she will always be here for me, and she certainly never lets me down! It is time though... Time to let go... Time to trust and believe in the one person who holds the key, and that is me. I hold the key. I have started packing for Renfrew. I'm taking the quilt from our bed. That will help to make me feel close to home. I bought an electric shaver so that I wouldn't have to go and ask for a razor everytime that I want to shave. Yesterday I went without makeup except for mascara, and I dyed my hair back to it's natural color. I won't have to worry so much abou...

It has been a crazy day here at work, and I'm feeling anxious. Some of the students that I work with are self-injurious, so there has been a lot of that going on today. Biting and headbanging have been the most common, some of which has been quite severe. Instead of taking a lunch break, here I am. Eating would just cause more anxiety for me right now, so that is my choice. Yesterday I had a panic attack over getting dressed. I hated everything that I put on, and with each change of outfit, I felt as if I were increasing in size. It was ridiculous, and the rational side of my brain knew this, yet I couldn't seem to change the path that Claudia was leading me down. All that I could do was sit on the floor of my closet and cry. I finally gave up and just put my baggy sweats back on and called it a day. I'm not sure what it is that makes me feel that way. Today I got dressed with no problem, putting on the very first outfit I tried on. Of course, I couldn't just hole...

This constant fight toward eating disorder recovery is just wearing me out right now. I know that because I'm trying to deal with past issues, it makes fighting even harder. The problem is that it does work. It is a wonderful distraction from actually feeling and addressing the pain inside. There is that, and then there is everything else that seems to work against someone with food issues. Extreme thinness is prized in our society. There is rarely a day that goes by when someone does not comment on my size in a positive way. It is very hard not to want to hang on to it with everything that I've got. Unfortunately my identity is somewhat tied into my size. I'm a little over five feet tall, and when I was in high school, I weighed more than I should for my height.Not a lot more, but enough to be called pudgy. My dad would comment on my weight. He would say that it was such a shame, when I had such a pretty face. Right before going through puberty, I was raped, and then when ...

I haven't eaten today because I feel like such a fat, disgusting pig. The voice of Claudia calls. She wants to be clean. She wants to feel safe. She is angry, insistant, and so loud. I ignore her. I think that I feel much worse without her. I am afraid to be without her for very long. I hate who I am when I am without her. I hate her.