Here and Now

I remember hearing the bells on Christmas Eve. I must have been six or seven years old because it was before my parents divorced. We had returned from midnight mass, and as I climbed into bed, I heard them clearly. I was certain it was the jingle of Santa's sleigh, so I quickly squeezed my eyes closed, hoping he would not pass by because I was not asleep. I often return to that memory, mainly because soon after, part of me forgot how to believe in magic. I've always had lovely memories of Christmas. My mom worked so hard to make the holidays special. Even when we didn't have money, she made sure we never went without, but those early years growing up are the most vivid. After the divorce, I grew up quickly, and that is what happens. I'm who I am because of how life played out. I wouldn't have my amazing step-dad if my parents hadn't split up. I'm beginning to realize that life in itself is magic. Every moment shapes who we are, and brings unexpected gif...

We had our first snow last night, and today is the first day of winter break. I don't go back to work until January 7th. I didn't wake up until 11:15 this morning! I've been sick for weeks, and trying to push myself through it. The extra sleep was definitely needed. Today has put me in the holiday spirit. The boys sat around the kitchen table with me, sipping hot chocolate, while I had my coffee. We were laughing, just being silly, and I loved every second of it. I'm looking forward to this time spent at home with all of my guys. My emotions have been all over the place lately, but today I am hopeful. These past few years of recovery, therapy, and facing the painful parts of my past have been a long and difficult journey. Yesterday my therapist told me that I needed to celebrate how far I have come. She says that I minimize my progress, and I suppose she is right. All I can see are my faults, and how far I still need to go. After all of this time stumbling around i...

Sometimes there are no words, and yet, here I am. Today I sat in an elementary school building, surrounded by beloved children, as I heard the news that 27 children had been murdered in a Connecticut school. What do we do? We keep moving, we take care of our children while simultaneously mourning those who are now lost. I handed out snacks, zipped coats, touched the tops of heads, and said goodbye. Always, we will have to say goodbye, and sometimes it is too soon. I have yet to watch the news. I know enough.

Artwork by Brooke Shaden~"What Keeps You Warm"   December is beginning strangely, the air thick and throbbing with uncharacteristic warmth. The smell of damp earth swelling has left me with a dizzying sense of unbalance. A quiet discontent has settled in my heart, a longing for something beyond the reach of my fingertips. I'm ready for a change, I know what I want, but there are obstacles blocking my path. Getting around them is going to take some time, and to be honest, I'm growing impatient. I have to trust that everything will happen when it is meant to happen. Physically I have not felt well since right before Thanksgiving. I came down with a sore throat, fever, and strange body rash. I took a week off of work, it started to clear up, but then on Wednesday of this week, the same symptoms returned. I still went to work on Thursday and Friday, but was exhausted and miserable.  I've been resting this weekend, but it is cutting into my yoga practice, ...