Lucky White Rabbit

Lately when my mind drops me into the past, it is big and loud, like suddenly being slapped, sharp and stinging...too much in my body, too much hurt. I look around, and I remember the dream where I hide under the bed, shivering on the cold wood floor. A small white bunny hops under the bed to join me, and I’m no longer alone or scared. The end. Only it’s not the end, is it? It’s not a dream. I confuse waking and dreaming because that is how I survived, but even now it is blurry, past and present, real or illusion, hiding under the bed...

Artwork by Richard Jesse Watson

Dream Your Dream 2016

I'm here to write, and I have no idea what will unfold. Sometimes when I come here, I have an idea in my mind, but not this evening. I think I want to actually write about writing. I have read many of my poems in the yoga classes that I teach, and someone usually approaches me after class either asking me if I have a book, or encouraging me to publish a book. It isn't quite that simple. I want to. I even have a somewhat finished manuscript of my poetry and observations, but I have never been brave enough to send it anywhere. Poetry books aren't in high demand in the publishing world. I'm thinking of self publishing, but it costs money that I don't feel like I can spend on something so frivolous.  I have had a few of my poems published either in book or magazine form, but it is certainly a shot in the dark to think someone would publish an entire book of my poems. I've always been one to dream big though, and when I want something badly enough, I go for it because that is the only way dreams become reality. My goal for 2016 is to move in the direction of publishing a book, either on my own, or sending my work out into the world. I will probably end up doing both of those things, and although it may not come to fruition this year, I'm moving in that direction. I have talked about it long enough, and there is no time like the present to begin manifesting that intention. I encourage you all to reach for your dreams this year. Life is too tremulous and uncertain not to send your dreams and desires out into the universe. Yesterday I wrote a post about contentment, and the truth is that I am always reaching for more. Dreams make me feel alive, and striving towards a goal keeps me engaged and motivated. I never want to lose that feeling because I wasted many years barely living my life. I gave up on my dreams, and I gave up on myself. I never want to go back to that desolate and empty existence. 

"Dream Your Dream, 2016!"

"Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. 

They are where they should be. 

Now put the foundations under them." 

~Henry David Thoreau 

Artwork~ "Into the Universe" by Tang Yau Hoong

Dreams Come True

*I wrote this last week~ 

It is the first day of winter break, and I had planned on sleeping in, but my mind didn't allow that to happen. I am amazed at not only the amount, but the quick pace of single thoughts that run through my head. They come so rapidly that I can't even keep up, and I recognize that quite often these racing thoughts eventually lead to a panic attack. It is like my brain can only take so much before it short circuits and I figuratively explode. My therapist suspects that my panic attacks are triggered by bottled up anger. I'm not sure, or maybe I don't like to admit that I get angry. I don't feel angry at the moment, but these incessant thoughts cause anxiety. 

Writing helps, and so here I am...

I try to distract myself. I have painted my nails, called my brother, dyed my hair. I will go to yoga, I'm having dinner with friends later, and hopefully the thoughts will slow down. I'm happy to have some time away from work, and although I will still be teaching yoga, having space during the day will be good, or at least I think it will be good!

*It has been good~ 

I am proud of how I am using the tools I have learned throughout the years. I haven't had any panic attacks. Down time can be dangerous for me, but I haven't had much free time. I still taught yoga, and so even when I wasn't actually teaching, I was planning my classes. I taught a Christmas Eve Yin class, and I wanted so much for it to feel special. The best part was that all of my teachers were there to take class, and that meant the world to me. It was a full house. I counted forty eight students, and my husband was counted among them. He is also one of my teachers and greatest supports. I left the studio that morning walking on air, completely filled with joy that I am blessed to be able to share what I love. My boys were all home for Christmas. I baked biscotti with Roman, who helped me roll them into balls, and ice them. I double my Nonni's recipe, so it is a gigantic amount of cookies! We spent Christmas day with Dave's family, and then came home. Dave and I watched Elf, and napped under the electric blanket until bed time. It was perfect! I don't usually teach at all on Saturday's, but my sweet teacher/friend Emily, who also owns the studio, was not feeling well, so I subbed her class this morning. After class, I met one of my dearest friends who was only in town for the day for lunch, and now I'm home again, planning tomorrow's classes. How is this my life? My friend, Jackie reminded me of a couple of years ago when I told her my dream of teaching yoga. She also reminded me that I didn't think it would actually happen. It happened, and dreams really do come true! 

My next dream is to figure out how to publish my writing in book form. I have many ideas, but I'm not sure of the direction it will take. 

Stay tuned, and always keep dreaming! 

How in the World

Sometimes we move through our days in survival mode, 

and how in the world does that even happen? 

It just does...

This was my day

I'm struggling...

I haven't slept much, and when I do sleep, I have bad dreams. 

Still, here I am, on the other side, 

heartbroken....

Instead of a positive mantra, all I hear is, "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this."

I CAN do this, but my energy is focused on these intense feelings of want. 

I need to let go of wanting and needing because it only causes pain. 

I don't truly want or need for anything. 

I have everything, but I'm always searching for more. 

It causes my suffering. 

How many times have I said, "Let go of what is no longer serving you?" 

This is what I need to do, but letting go is not what it seems to be. 

It is not simple. 

It takes time. 

It takes more time than you will ever realize. 

It will hurt

It will hurt

It will hurt...

You will survive...

Artwork~ Amanda Cass

A Joy Walk

A Joy Walk

In my dream

we walked side by side

speaking without words

without windows 
or walls

surrounding us 

only a sky dancing with flames

laughing on the inside 
as we exhaled

iridescent bubbles floated from our lips

bursting like fireflies at dusk

before fading away...

Angela Minard 2015©

"Right or wrong, joy or sorrow, these are of the mind only. 
They are not yours. You are everywhere, 
forever free."
~Ashtavakra Gita

Sweet Dreams

Everything about me feels gloriously weighted to this world at the moment, and so I want to hold on... My eyelids are heavy, my heart thrumming deep and slow within my chest. I can even imagine my blood flowing through my veins, slow as a cool, lazy river. I need to sleep, but I easily and quickly slip into frightening dreams, and so I fight to stay awake. I hear your voice softly say, "Don't put so much meaning into your dreams. They are not real." The lines between reality and my dreaming world often seem blurred, and the nightmares that haunt me in my sleep linger along the parameters of my mind, waiting for an unguarded opportunity to remind me to be afraid. Each night as I prepare for bed, I say to myself, "You are safe, you are loved, you are protected." The only dreams that are real are waking dreams...the beautiful imaginings of a life only you can create. 

Sweet dreams...

Yellow Bird

 

Yellow Bird

I dreamt of you

Vibrant canary

Trapped in a shallow bathroom sink

Your brilliant feathers damp and heavy 
with the effort to be free

And yet

I could not seem to help

I asked many people

But I was afraid to touch you myself

Yellow bird

I am sorry...

Angela Minard 2014©

It Takes Vision

 

I've been thinking about the vision board I created this summer. Right now it is rolled up in the back seat of my car because I had taken it to show my therapist, but I don't want my dreams and goals to take a back seat. I've been trying to figure out a way to be able to do the yoga teachers training at my studio. I've been looking on-line for scholorships, but I really want to do the training with Emily Darling, who is such an amazing and compassionate teacher. Many of the scholarships I have found would have me traveling to India! I waver back and forth between telling myself that I'm not ready for the training, but then the passion I feel for wanting to learn more about yoga takes over. In a brave moment, I messaged Emily on Facebook and asked her if she knew anything about scholarships or grants because I wanted to do the teachers training. She said she would look into it for me, and actually said it would be great if I could be in the training. Of course, she is too kind to say otherwise, but it still felt good. What I think felt the best was that I am beginning to reach out and ask for help, pushing past the fear of rejection. I need to hold on to this dream, and to believe that I can achieve it because when the vision starts to fade, I too begin to fade.

Make It Happen

I've been researching information on positive body image, mostly because I need to work on mine, but also because one day I really would like to guide young girls on how to love their bodies, maybe speaking in schools about my struggles with anorexia and poor self esteem. I have so much I want to do, that it feels a bit overwhelming. I want to work on getting more of my poetry published, I want to be a yoga teacher. There is a book that I want to read called Overcoming Trauma Through Yoga~ Reclaiming Your Body, because I really want to focus on this when teaching yoga. I don't think there has been much emphasis on this in the yoga community, and it is a niche that hasn't been addressed much. I'm excited and energized, but where to begin? I know that I need to figure out how to pay for teacher's training classes. I should have worked summer school, but also really need to recharge my batteries after an exhausting year. I also have more work to do on my own yoga practice. I'm getting back on track with my eating. It is the mindfulness that I need to work on. I tend to check out while eating. Being mindful, in the present moment, and self aware are definite goals. It is time to get busy and make it happen!

Bad Ass

Friends at work often tease me for being so soft spoken and non assertive. I'm afraid of rocking the boat, hurting feelings, and angry confrontations. I avoid those things at all cost. It is always at my own expense. I rarely speak up for myself, so it is easy to get taken advantage of, which I know is my own fault. After work on Friday, I met some co workers for drinks, and the waitress got our order wrong. One of my friends dared me to flag her down and tell her. They were all laughing, thinking that I wouldn't do it. I hesitated for a moment, and then boldly called her over, and it does feel very good to get what you want. Of course, you don't have to be rude about it when mistakes happen, and that is how I'm always afraid standing up for myself is going to come off. I've said here before, that I worry too much about what other people think of me. It is important for me to be liked, but deep down inside, there is also an inner bad ass waiting to be set free. I find myself wanting to stand tall, proud, and speak my truth. I have dreams of confronting my rapists with brutal rage. It has taken me so long to get angry, and it is frustrating not to be able to direct that anger anywhere. I used to turn it on myself, but those days are slowly dwindling away. I'm stronger and more confident than I used to be. I'm trying not to let the actions of others color the way I see myself. This past year left me feeling rejected with the loss of people who were important in my life. I took on all of the blame, wondering what was wrong with me, but it's not always about me! Now I can be sad, and miss those people without letting it tear down my self worth. I'm worth holding on to, and that is what I'm doing. I'm holding on to everything I am with acceptance, peace, and love. I used to carry with me the belief that I didn't matter or make a difference. It made it easy to treat myself with disdain. Now I have a renewed passion for living. I have dreams that I will work to make happen. I dream of teaching yoga to those who are suffering from eating disorders, trauma, and body image distortions. I would love to open up a therapeutic yoga studio focusing on healing the mind, body, and spirit. It has changed my life, and to have the ability to change even one other persons life would be satisfying. It feels good to be living in the moment, with hopes and dreams for the future. I may not be a bad ass, but I'm pretty tough;-)

This Recovery Thing

Today I graduated to an every other week schedule with my nutritionist instead of a weekly appointment, after 4 years. It has taken me that long to actually feel like I can do this recovery thing. I've finally gotten to the point where I can eat three times a day. For so long, my rule was eating once a day. Rules are hard for me to break, especially the ones I have set up for myself, but each day that I do, it gets that much easier.

I'm doing yoga six days a week, and eating more, and what do you know...I've lost weight! As much as my nutritionist told me that was the way it worked, I could not get myself to believe her. She would tell me that my body was in starvation mode, therefore holding onto everything it could, but all that I could see was that eating equaled weight gain. When I went into treatment I thought that was my proof. I gained weight for eating, and everyone was out to fatten me up. With yoga, I'm so much more present in my body, reveling in what it can actually do. When I don't eat, I can't do yoga, and believe me, I have tried, almost blacking out. It only took me one time to figure that out!

I'm proud of where I am at this moment, so I'm hanging onto that, and not thinking too much about what tomorrow will look like. Well, I won't lie...I am very cautious. I don't want to let my guard down, because I've slipped so many times. Everyday I'm overwhelmed with new feelings, and allowing myself to feel them is bringing me a sense of freedom. Eating is what is bringing these feelings to the surface, and sometimes I fear that the painful feelings will scare me so much that I turn to the eating disorder to make them go away. I've had more flashbacks and dreams of the rape, which my therapist says is normal with re feeding. The dreams and flashbacks are different though. In the dreams I'm like a bystander watching what is happening, and instead of feeling disgust for myself, I want to reach out to that girl and help, only I can't. I'm paralyzed, my limbs heavy, and my mouth so dry that I cannot speak or utter even a sound. I think it means that I now have compassion for the child that I was, but that I realize that I can't really help her. It has already taken place, and nothing can change that fact. The flashbacks are more like watching a movie where the main character is not you. It doesn't feel like it is happening directly to me, but to someone else. I used to relive everything about the rape, down to smells and body memories. They were scary and out of control, but I'm beginning to take back the power over what happens to my body and mind. Powerful stuff, huh? All that I can say is it has been a long time coming!

The Star

This was my daily Tarot card for today, and I love it! I love how it says to make the most of the now. That is really what I'm trying to do. I feel so positive, and like I can finally move forward.

The Star
Hope and inspiration. Realization of dreams and goals possible now. Whatever venture you are involved with, your lucky stars are with you. Positive energies flowing freely into your life. Make the most of the now. Heavenly influences surrounding you. Blessings are flowing freely like water. Abundance and spirit present. Bright promises. The presence of the Holy Spirit is with you. A good time to begin a new project or new relationship as it carries blessing with it.

Sweet Dreams

Cold coffee at 1:00 p.m and doing much of nothing on these summer days. I'm enjoying my vacation in a lazy, melancholy sort of way. I'm very aware of the time passing like grains of sand slipping through my fingers, and vaguely guilty that I'm not being more productive. I sleep and dream, savoring each dream that isn't a nightmare, and that is most often the case. I slumber in peace, dozing easily, and sometimes in a meditative state. I feel as if I'm recharging my spirit, coming to terms with the past, and grieving over my loss in a lonely and quiet way. Maybe that is the melancholy feeling that is coming through. Only I can grieve this loss. It is a pain all my own, and although others can empathize, they cannot share it. I suppose that is how all grief is though. It is a lonely feeling.

Only An Illusion

I dream of my body in it's prior anorexic state, and in the dream, I'm happy, giddy, laughing with joy, and then I awaken to how I feel now, which is worn down, lethargic, and sick. For a moment, I buy into the illusion, but it doesn't take me long to realize that it is only Claudia, trying to sink her claws into my sleeping world because she has lost so much of her hold on me while I'm awake. Anorexia is what has broken down my body and my spirit, and now I'm fighting to gain back not only my health, but my life. There are still so many moments when I think that my life isn't worth saving, and those are the moments when I have to put my loved ones ahead of myself. I may not feel like I am worth fighting for, but I will fight to stay here for them.

Always.

Five Things...

Here are five things that I've never done, that I would like to do someday...

1. Help someone or something to give birth
2. Have my own cabaret show
3. Stomp grapes in Italy
4. Sky dive
5. Ride in a hot air balloon

What are your five things?

A Hummingbird Dream

The hummingbird holds a special meaning for my husband and I, so in honor of him, and also, because it is Father's Day, I thought that I would share this story.

Twelve years ago, my husband was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor called an astrocytoma. Although benign, the tumor is touching his brainstem, making total removal, as of yet, unsuccessful. He has had two craniotomies to remove what they can, and surgeons have said that they will be unable to perform a third. Radiation treatment is the next treatment option. Fortunately this type of tumor is slow growing.

When Dave was in the hospital, after his second surgery, drugged up on morphine and in horrible pain, he awoke from a restless sleep, calling out for me. He asked me if I had seen the hummingbird that had been flying around the room. I told him no, that I had been asleep. Excitedly, he described his vision of a hummingbird, filling the room with beautiful colors. The brightest most brilliant colors he had ever seen. He seemed so disappointed that I had not been awake to see it, and was certain that it had not been a dream.He was trying so hard not to cry as he told me that he knew now that it was not time for him to die. The hummingbird had sent him a message filled with hope and life.

A Hummingbird Dream

The hummingbird's
kaleidoscope
of mosaic colors
bounce along
the hospital walls.

Hallucinations,
drug induced mumbling...
The hopeful beauty
of living.

Yes!
I feel your dream,
but no,
my eyes,
they do not see.

The hummingbird's
whirring wings,
they sing...
of many days
left to share.

No,
I do not hear,
but I believe.
Oh yes!
I do believe.
You're coming home
with me!

Angela Minard©

Natures Hope

This was a picture challenge over at Legacy Writers Of Harmony Pub

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=247157063

Tears for Joy in the Garden of Giants by Michaël Zancan @ Deviant Art

Natures Hope


Sun rays glint
rain drips
from her golden gates
The moss that flows
from your upturned palms
pulsing with life
Dreaming of morning glories
entwined in your hair
Breath and a smile
Awaken and feel
warmth and serenity

A peaceful hope


Angela Minard 2008

Only A Dream

Only A Dream

I open my eyes
so angry at you
for leaving
Angry that you
would make me
take the wheel
while spinning
out of control

Leaving me
all alone
on this dark
elevator
Up and down
searching
everywhere
but
you are
gone

I know
what you want
but
I'm not ready

I still
have a story
or two
to tell

The days
turned into
weeks
then months
It will only
be a few
you said

I'm angry at
him too
The bastard
left me
with handmade
costumes
unworn

It's all okay
I lied
and never
cried

I was
Swimming
in lake water
with no bottoms
and having to run
to a place that wasn't
my home
You weren't there
and sometimes
Oh, sometimes...

I still

feel

naked

Angela Minard 2008

All That I Want

It has been a very rough week,
of which I will write more about soon.
I wrote this poem last year.

I long to feel the joy that comes with freedom.


With Abandon

I want to drift
through lavender fields
The petals so soft
like the fingers of children,
laying hands on my face
Bringing their kisses,
the sun bursting lips,
the warm blush of roses

I want to twirl
and spin in the rain
The pelting of tears,
the pin pricks of pain
Barefoot laughter
dancing in time,
to the dripping
rhythm and rhyme

I want to sing!
Pounding keys,
plucking strings
A melody rising,
resounding within
Staccato, fortissimo,
the march of my heart
Beating wild,
abandoned,
alive

by Angela Minard 2007

Sleeping With An Eating Disorder

Yum! Sanitized Tape Worms...Easy To Swallow...No Ill Effects!

Sadly, I guarantee you that if this product was being sold on our drug store shelves, there would be people out there buying it!

Speaking of strange and disturbing, I have had strangely disturbing dreams about food lately. (not that dreaming of food is all that unusual for me)
I could go for days without food passing my lips, except in my dreams, where I would hungrily devour all of the food that I denied myself while awake. Morning would come, and with it, self-loathing and disgust, just for simply wanting. It has been months since I've had that type of food dream. I'm eating regularly, so there is no longer any reason to feed myself through my dreams, so I suppose that I'm trying to make sense of the strange dreams that I've had just recently. (If you have a weak stomach, turn back now!)
In one of these dreams, I am choosing items from a cafeteria type setting, and as I place the items on my tray, huge spiders and other insects begin to crawl out of the food. In another dream, I am sitting in a restaurant, and as I lift my fork to my mouth, the food on the utensil transforms into a fork full of squirming maggots. Mmmmm, delicious!
My theory is that it is my eating disorder (aka Claudia) trying to turn me away from food by making it as unappetizing as possible. Isn't that Claudia so clever? Well, at least she would like to think so anyway!
My therapist thinks that this is my anxiety over food and eating coming out in my dreams, now that I'm beginning to conquer those fears on a daily basis. I think that we are both right:) Either way, the insects do make me feel a bit queasy, so hopefully these sorts of dreams won't stick around for long!