Here and Now

I'm so tired, but I wanted to share how my first day of school with my classroom of boys was, and I'm happy to report that it was wonderful. They have already touched my heart. I get so emotional for some reason when I work with these kids, and I can already tell that I'm going to be able to connect with this group of boys. The staff is also great, and I feel like we are going to be a really positive team. Three of the boys are non-verbal, but the other one is highly verbal. He already asked if anyone else in the classroom talked! Poor guy. He is fairly social, and has mainly been placed in this classroom because of his aggressive behavior, which we haven't observed so far. There always seems to be a honeymoon period at the beginning of the school year though. This weekend went so quickly, and I'm already getting ready for the beginning of the week. 5:00 a.m. comes early! Last week I got up every day to walk with my neighbor, and I feel like that is an important thi...

I'm feeling in much better spirits today, and have decided that I'm just going to take it moment by moment, and not be so hard on myself. I still don't feel any different about losing weight, and I'm still determined to do that, but I really am going to try to do it in a way that doesn't negatively impact my health. That specifically means that I'm going to make a huge effort to stop the purging. I know that restricting isn't necessarily healthy, but at this moment, it feels like the safest thing for me to do. I'm still eating, but only a minimal amount, which is just enough to not make me want to feel like purging. The feeling of any amount of fullness only upsets me and makes me feel bad about myself, and that, I don't need. This is the choice that I'm making for now, but it doesn't mean that will be the choice for tomorrow, and I'm leaving myself open for that. I am in no means trying to slowly kill myself, because I do really believe ...

I'm tired of the tug and pull. The not so subtle lure of the eating disorder. It's like walking a tightrope, and I feel as if I'm about to fall off. The tricks my mind plays on me are wearing me out, and sometimes all that I want is out. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. I already tried that, and all that it brought was more pain. I don't want to be here in this mental state of ambivalence towards being healthy. Why on earth would I want to be sick? Eating disorders are classified as a mental illness, and I can see why. My mind is not working in a rational way, and I'm way off base in my thinking, and intellectually, I know this, but I have this obsessive compulsion to focus on my weight and appearance. I feel like such a selfish and narcissistic person, and my self loathing is at an all time high. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I'm slipping, and it is so frustrating. I have moments of peace and happiness, but can't figure out how to hang ...

I'm struggling with what to write here, but if I could sum it up into three words, it would be: Secrets, Guilt, and Shame. Eating Disorders are all about secrets, shame, and feeling guilty. Guilt for taking care of my body, when deep down, I don't feel that I deserve it. I'm ashamed of the secrets that I still keep to hold on to this eating disorder. There are behaviors that I know I need to completely cease if I am to truly recover. Mainly those are the alcohol, and the purging. The alcohol is not something that I use on a daily basis, but when I do use it, it is usually for the wrong reasons, and it also triggers me to dissociate , which is never a good thing. The purging has become a replacement for the restricting, and I'm headed nowhere good with that, and it too, is very shameful and humiliating to admit. I had a session with my nutritionist yesterday, and we talked about the purging because I have had a particularly hard time with it this week. I keep telling her...

I really only have good things to report at this time. Isn't that a nice change from my usual angsty postings? This week at work has been much better. My student in the morning had a great week with very few outbursts of aggression, so that has really helped my mood. Also food this week has been better, especially since my therapy and nutritionist sessions on Wednesday. It has been two days since I've purged. My sessions were intense this week. I talked about some things that I had never brought up before. When I was in grade school and junior high, my mom worked a lot. She was a single mother, and she worked very hard to provide for my brother and I. We would come home from school, and the house would be empty, and I would sit in front of the television and binge on food to fill the time. I think that is why I tend to want to eat by myself, and have a hard time eating with other people. Eating alone makes me feel safe, but it also makes me feel alone and guilty. We often talk ...

Work is really wearing me out lately. I have an aggressive student in the morning, and then I spend the afternoon in the autism pre-school. It makes for a very exhausting day. Today when I came home, all that I really wanted to do was park my butt on the couch and be lazy, but I got on the treadmill instead, and now I feel so much better. I really had to talk myself into it, but I'm glad that I did. I'm doing okay with food this week after a rough weekend. I miss breakfast, but I have been taking my lunch to work in the afternoon. Dinner seems to be the most difficult. I either don't eat, or I eat and then purge it. I'm not sure why I'm struggling so much with it, and it is very frustrating, especially the purging. It is almost like having an out of body experience when I do it, and it really does scare me because it feels so out of control. I just feel like I can't have the dinner food and calories inside of me. My therapist tries to tell me that it is not abou...

I have a friend who has recovered from anorexia, and she is a wonderful role model for me, and also someone that I always have a lot of questions for. This week I have really been struggling, and so I contacted her for some support because I'm very scared and confused right now. This was an e-mail that I wrote to her~ I'm struggling a bit and have some questions for you. Did you ever feel like you would be happier if you could have your eating disorder back? I feel like I wish that I could restrict better...like I used to, and like I have lost something. I think that I was happier before. I miss the euphoria that I used to feel when I was restricting. I'm also starting to purge which is something that I've never really done, and it scares me. That just started this week, and I have told my team about it, but haven't had any sessions since it started, so they haven't been able to help me to figure out what the hell is going on. I just don't understand why I...