Here and Now

I've been sitting here for awhile now, staring at the blank white computer screen with the black cursor blinking at me, waiting for me to type my thoughts on this blog where I have been coming for many years. I'm struggling to put my emotions into words and to make sense of what I'm feeling in the aftermath of the death of Robin Williams. The dialogue on social media has been heartbreaking for me, and for the most part I have kept my distance because it opens up wounds that I'm trying to heal. I have been held in the vice like grip of depression. Twice I attempted to take my own life, and both times I was angry that I didn't succeed. At the time, I certainly could not see my own worth, and believed my husband and children would be better off without me. I had slowly been trying to starve myself for years, so once I had become nutritionally stable and weight restored, I had a whole new ball of wax to begin to deal with, and the descent into hell came quickly. ...

I have been writing on this blog for about six years now, and I rarely go back through old posts, but I was looking for a poem, and came across a post that I had written a few days before my first suicide attempt. I shared it with my therapist this week. I cannot even count the number of times that she has told me that if I didn't allow myself to feel pain, I would also be unable to feel joy. I wasn't sure that I believed her, but I now realize that all of my suffering was caused by my attempts to deny my feelings. My feelings often overwhelm me, and the depth of my emotions can be frightening, but I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful that she didn't give up on me, because she was right...even with the pain, there is an abundance of joy, and I'm blessed to still be here to feel every bit of it.  Here is the post that I wrote~ I step through your door, into the safe familiarity of pictures and books...the window where I've watched the rain an...

I'm moved and amazed by how we touch others; how we pass throughout our days unaware of the impact we make,  and how even the simplest of gestures can change the course of a day.  When we are in pain, and filled with despair,  we don't realize how we would be missed.  Imagine believing that our pain was endless... how do we ask someone to stay?  How do we find the will to keep going when all we can see is darkness ahead?  It is difficult for someone who hasn't felt such infinite hopelessness to understand wanting to end your own life.  I lived in silence for so long,  turning away from all that I didn't want to see.  I would awaken each morning, and before I even had a chance to grasp the light,  shame would wash over me, and it took everything I had inside to face the day.  My suicide attempts were planned, and yet also impulsive.  I would obsessively think of ways to end my life,  allo...

After a sleepless Monday night, yesterday was rough. I felt so wound up, tense, and exhausted that I could barely make it through work. I hadn't eaten all day, and when I did get home from work and actually wanted something to eat, there was nothing in the house. My husband went to the store later, but by then I was past the hunger, so I ended up not eating anything. Food is so hard and complicated right now. I'm rigid in what I will eat, and things that I used to be okay with all of a sudden seem scary. I was at least eating a protein bar for lunch, but now having one seems like too many calories. I feel like I can only eat one item per day, and that would be oatmeal at the moment. I'm on the verge of panic most of the time, and my mind seems to jump all over the place. I can barely hold on to one thought before another one rushes in, and everything feels like it's going so fast. Last night I did get some sleep, but I had a dream that I tried to commit suicide by elect...

You would think that summer would be the hardest time of year for me. I was raped the summer that I was eleven, and though it is hard, autumn and winter are the worst. I remember going back to school, the smells in the air, the feel of the wind, and trying to forget. This time of year brings back the pain of holding it all inside. It brings back the fear that everyone would discover my secret and be disgusted when they looked at me. I can still feel the filth crawling on my skin, and I wish more than anything, that I was not here. I want to close my eyes and be able to disappear. It's not that I'm necessarily suicidal, although both attempts have been in the winter, and my eating dwindles down to nothing. Maybe I only want to escape from being me, and of knowing that people will hurt you. I don't want to remember. Both of my attempts were meant to obliterate the memories, and at the time, I didn't contemplate the finality of death. I still don't. Most of the time I ...

This is from a song by Brook Fraser, that I just love. The lyrics express many of the feelings that I've been going through in the past month. Scarlet Middle of nowhere finally you can breathe Nobody knows your name It's easier that way. Shut your eyes tightly Clench your fists until they almost bleed Cautiously, lightly gently expose what's underneath~ and all you feel now is the scarlet in the day and even if it's real you can't stay~ so there you go you're gone for good. Yes, there you go you're gone for good Your mind is swollen from months of thought without release. They've taken their toll on you. and this very moment of timid and fragile honesty is precious and rare, and fleeting~ and all you feel now is the scarlet in the day. and even if it's real, you can't stay. You can't stay. Brooke Fraser

I feel fat, but my therapist is always telling me that fat is not a feeling. I still don’t comprehend her words. I think that real feelings are foreign to me. I had a bad scare with my nutritionist last night. She received my labs from the hospital, and I knew that my heart was skipping, and blood pressure and potassium low, but she said it was so low and I was so dehydrated that my kidneys could shut down and make my heart stop beating. That was a real wake up call to get my shit together and start eating. Since I've been home, Dave has been making me sit down to eat lunch with him. He also wants me to drink V8 Fusion for breakfast. I was eating dinner most of the time even before the hospital, so that hasn't changed. The first day home, I tried refusing to eat, but Dave came over and sat down next to me, and told me that it really wasn't a choice. He said he was sick of continually going through this, and that he was afraid that I was going to die. I couldn't even get...

I'm not really sure that I'm up to blogging right now, but I'm going to give it a shot. I've been struggling with some severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I dissociated on Wednesday night, and I guess that I went on a drinking binge, which I don't remember at all. My husband took me into the hospital and they admitted me to the psych ward for a five day stay. I've also relapsed with my eating disorder which has me feeling sad, depressed and guilty. I'm so ashamed about the worry that I've caused my family. I want to turn things around. I'm going to go to an outpatient addiction recovery program. It is three times a week for a few weeks. Maybe that will help with the drinking. I know that I need all of the support I can get. I started on a new medication for depression, and hopefully that will help. I'm going to make a huge effort to eat better, so that I can get on the right track. I know that eating more will also help with the de...

I'm still on vacation, and enjoying every lazy minute of it. Today I got out of bed at 10:00, and then found myself napping an hour later! It was a wonderful nap though, and I dreamt of biking through a beautiful forest with my husband. Dreams are funny, aren't they? We haven't been on bikes in years, and my husband's biking days are over since the brain tumor, but the dream was soothing, and now I feel very well rested. I'm also grateful to be alive...to dream. Last January, I was in the darkest depression of my life. I look back, and cannot even tell you about the holidays or what I did during that time. I was in a deep pit, and could not find my way out. The only option I could see at the time was to get out. I only wanted an end to the pain, and I had lost my will to fight anymore. After the suicide attempt, it took months before I could see any glimmers of hope and light. There were many moments of anger that I had failed, and I still have guilt about those fee...

The last time I went to try on clothes, afterwards, I decided to take my own life. A bit drastic, but nevertheless, that is what happened. Anorexia, weight gain, and mirrors do not play well together nicely. That incident was back in January when I desperately needed new clothes to fit my new body. It is now the end of May, and I still have avoided going shopping for new clothes. That is until yesterday afternoon, when my mom came into town from Florida. She was insistent, and I was plain terrified. One of the mistakes that I had made last time, was going alone, but I also didn't want anyone else to see. To see what? My pain, my failure, the sizes that I would have to buy. My reflection in that dressing room to me, was like looking into a fun house mirror, and all that I could feel was shame, horror, and disgust. I cannot even begin to describe the panic that I felt. I knew that I would have to have someone with me to ground me, and that was what my mom did. She was all business, n...

Well, the last day of school has finally arrived, and I'm so excited about my summer off that I can barely contain myself! This past week has been so busy for me. We made it through Christian's graduation, but just barely. It was a frustrating evening. He had a girlfriend over that afternoon, and he took her home and then didn't arrive back until a half hour before he was supposed to be at the school. He got ready, and we were so rushed that we couldn't take pictures before we left. We drove all the way to the school and then Christian realized that he didn't have his gown, so we had to drive all the way back home to get it. Dave and I were about ready to kill him! We made it through though, and now he is officially a high school graduate. He still has a lot of growing up to do. I'm glad that he isn't going away to college yet, because I know that he just isn't ready for that. All this week, my friend Jackie has been here visiting from Florida. She drove...

This weekend went by so fast, but I suppose that they always do. I have felt calm and relaxed for the past few days, and that is such a welcomed feeling from all of the anxiety and dread that has been washing over me for months. I'm determined to hang on to my hopefullness. This will always be the year that I attempted to take my own life, and I never again want to travel to such a dark and lonely place. I really am trying to take each day as it comes, to let go of the past, and not worry so much about what the future holds. I'm beginning to feel a sense of freedom...as if a great weight has been lifted from me, and although that sounds so cliche', it is an apt description. This school year is winding down, and I'm really getting excited about having the summer off, even though we really don't have any special plans yet. I have this great need for organization and self improvement lately, and summer will give me more free time to devote to those things. Right now, e...

I'm bored and grumpy right now. I wanted to watch a movie tonight, but Dave rented some World War 2 movie, which doesn't interest me in the least. I just bought a book called Still Alice by Lisa Genova , which is about a woman with early onset Alzheimers disease, so I guess I will try to start reading that tonight. The problem is that lately I have zero concentration and so much on my mind that my thoughts tends to wander when I read. It really sucks because I used to love to get lost inside of a book. Tomorrow we have a family therapy session, and I'm really nervous about it. The kids don't totally understand what happened the night of my suicide attempt, so we are going to answer any questions that they have. I'm going to be honest and tell them that I took an overdose of pills. My therapist said to explain to them that some bad things happened to me when I was younger and that I was hurting and in a lot of pain, and that I just wanted that pain to go away. I want...

Every day I wake up with a sense of fear and dread, but I can't really pin down any reasons for why I feel this way. In fact I have many feelings that I seem unable to explain. On Saturday, I was feeling so sad, and then out of the blue came feelings of agitation and anger which I ended up taking out on some dishes that I was washing. These feelings come bubbling up to the surface and then I'm not sure what to do with them. The anger confuses me because it has no direction in which to go, and I don't want to take it out on my family, so I end up turning it inward. Maybe I just need a sturdy punching bag and some boxing gloves! Each day that I get through is a victory at this point. The thoughts of self harm are still there, but I'm able to push them down by thinking of my children and those I love. They are what keep me going right now. What scares me is the fact that my suicide attempt was impulsive and brought on by fear and panic. Yes, I had those thoughts before my ...

...So I took an entire bottle of Xanax(60 pills) and ended up in the ICU, and then on the psychiatric floor of a hospital for 6 days. If I'm nothing else, I am honest here in this blogging world, and that is why I have been missing in action for the past week. Definitely not my proudest moment, and something that I will regret for the rest of this life that I have been so privileged to live. A panic attack, depression, and anxiety got the better of me, and I behaved irrationally and impulsively. I had a panic attack while trying on clothes during a shopping trip. I went home feeling hopeless, defeated, and filled with thoughts of self loathing and disgust. I don't remember it, but I did reach out to my therapist by e-mail and told her that I had taken an overdose. She contacted my husband, who then took me to the emergency room. Suicide is such a selfish act, and I feel sick about hurting and worrying my family and friends in this way. I never meant to hurt anyone else in this....

I dream of my body in it's prior anorexic state, and in the dream, I'm happy, giddy, laughing with joy, and then I awaken to how I feel now, which is worn down, lethargic, and sick. For a moment, I buy into the illusion, but it doesn't take me long to realize that it is only Claudia , trying to sink her claws into my sleeping world because she has lost so much of her hold on me while I'm awake. Anorexia is what has broken down my body and my spirit, and now I'm fighting to gain back not only my health, but my life. There are still so many moments when I think that my life isn't worth saving, and those are the moments when I have to put my loved ones ahead of myself. I may not feel like I am worth fighting for, but I will fight to stay here for them. Always.

All-American Girl I read about her silent perfection in the library at lunchtime Filled with laughing girls The crude language of boys Behind opened books a dark mind She, who has everything held in her pristinely manicured fingers that tremble with jumbled colors bouncing in the palm of her hand Because all she can ever hear is Fur Elise ringing in her ears Angela Minard 2008

The last thing that I remember from last night was sitting in our big leather chair reading a magazine, and drinking hot cocoa. This morning I woke up in my bed at 7:30, rested, and though still emotional, ready to face my demons, and deal with them. I cannot believe how often I just burst into tears, but fighting them is harder than just letting them flow, so just screw makeup and mascara for awhile. Last night I was talking to my friend Jackie, and she said something about trying to go to Renfrew without the mask that I wear. That just really struck me, because I do hide sometimes behind all of my clothes and makeup. The attempts at perfection are part of this disorder, and I never really realized that before. I'm not going to go cold turkey, but I'm going to use a very light hand today, and see how it goes. I'm going to try and pack as light as possible. There is so much that is hard. I thought to myself, "do I pack my "fat" clothes?" How much weight ...