I'm bored and grumpy right now. I wanted to watch a movie tonight, but Dave rented some World War 2 movie, which doesn't interest me in the least. I just bought a book called Still Alice by Lisa Genova, which is about a woman with early onset Alzheimers disease, so I guess I will try to start reading that tonight. The problem is that lately I have zero concentration and so much on my mind that my thoughts tends to wander when I read. It really sucks because I used to love to get lost inside of a book.
Tomorrow we have a family therapy session, and I'm really nervous about it. The kids don't totally understand what happened the night of my suicide attempt, so we are going to answer any questions that they have. I'm going to be honest and tell them that I took an overdose of pills. My therapist said to explain to them that some bad things happened to me when I was younger and that I was hurting and in a lot of pain, and that I just wanted that pain to go away. I want to let them know that I love them so much, and I never wanted to leave them. I want them to understand that it had nothing to do with the amount of love that I have for them. At the time, I wasn't thinking clearly and all that I wanted was to stop hurting. I know that they will have many questions, and I want to be prepared for what they have to ask me. I hope that I will have clear answers that they will understand. More than anything, I hope that they can forgive me. I'm going to see my therapist an hour before our family session, so hopefully that will help to prepare me. I'm scared, apprehensive, ashamed and feeling very raw and vulnerable. I want to turn off my mind and stop thinking for awhile. I haven't been sleeping very well the past few night, and my emotions are so close to the surface. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat. I thought that I was going to cry when Dave came home and told me what movie he had rented. That is just so ridiculous and frustrating because the tears have nothing what so ever to do with a damn movie! I'm so glad that I have this blog. It really helps me so much to write out some of what is going on in my head. So,anyway...wish me luck tomorrow. I think that I will just be intensly relieved when it is over. Then I think that I can finally move past this horrible mistake that I have made.
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7 Comments:
Wishing you luck tomorrow and wishing you goodness in all areas of your life and you'll have nothing to fear.
I understand your apprehension, but I think your kids will understand -- that's what the family therapy session is all about! It's brave to let them ask questions and to let them know what was going on for you. And I give you a big ((hug)) for surviving that time and pushing yourself through these really tough days.
I'll be thinking good thoughts for you tomorrow.
I hope the session went well. I'm sure it was emotionally draining, no matter how it went, though. Hopefully can find some peace and spend some quiet time by yourself or with your kids or wherever you feel safest.
Wow, I would imagine this is a very difficult conversation to have, but I'm glad you are doing it, it is always best to have things out in the open. Kids pick up on more than we realize, and often they fill in gaps in their knowledge with things much worse than reality.
I really hope the session went well, kudos to you for your bravery, hang in there.
Hi Angela,
Been there and done that 3 times for me before I got things sorted out in my life.
All of my family forgave me and after a while they slowly began to trust that it wouldn't happen again.
Now all is fine and our relationship is great.
I hope it went well. And please don't be too disappointed if it takes everyone a little while to get completely adjusted again.
I can tell that you are a wonderful person. With time all really will work out just fine.
Hugs,
Jackie:-)
Hi Angela,
I'm not sure if this is my first time here, frankly. I entrecard drop, and sometimes (like tonight) I really try and take the time to read the blogs of people who drop on mine... sometimes I just 'drop back' tit-for-tat, you know.
I'm really thankful that I took the time to read your post today. I hope your family therapy went well. I hope your family got the answers they needed, but more than that, I hope you find peace you need to see you through whatever it was that prompted you to try and take your life in the first place.
Hugs,
Michelle
You're not alone. Much love to you, hun. I haven't been around much on here lately, but I still think of you and hope you are well. You will get through. You are worth it. Be strong, as hard as it is.
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