How It Feels

This is dissociation as I experience it~

Sitting with a group of friends, I'm surrounded by their familiar laughter. I vaguely feel the muscles of my face contort into the shape of a smile, although it feels somewhat ghoulish, and I'm aware of a floating sensation in my limbs, hollow, and yet strangely weary. The rise and fall of conversation is barely an echo that I'm desperately trying to grasp a hold of within my mind. I am a stranger in these moments of separation, watching with detached curiosity before I slip into oblivion... 

I'm learning to catch myself before falling...

Counting the length of my inhales and exhales, or naming everything I see that is the color blue, anything to remind myself that I am a part of this world. I've stopped asking myself why because the reasons are many, and complicated. I can't always figure them out, and sometimes I think they are more internal than external. If I tried to avoid the triggers, I would be a recluse, and even that wouldn't solve the problem. I think that part of the reason I love yoga is because the teacher is constantly cuing you back to your body, back to your breath, and back to the sensations within and around you. I need constant reminders or I drift away. I daydream, fantasize, or catastrophize, and I wonder if it is because I somehow think this will help me control my environment, or prepare me for any and all situations. FYI, it does not! It only causes crazy amounts of anxiety and stress! I think back to only a few years ago, when deep depression was all I knew, and it is a different beast. I will take this over depression any day, but I'm one to never be satisfied. I always want more, or better. I often beat myself up because I think I want too much, but I'm working on challenging those thoughts. I'm always telling my yoga students that they are deserving of care because I know how deeply those words touched me as a student. 

We are deserving...

I am deserving of a life free from dissociation, depression,  and eating disorders.  

I'm finding a way. 

It isn't perfect, and that is also okay. 

I'm on a journey...

an adventure,

 and like all adventure stories, there are monsters and dark nights. 

There are also beautiful winged creatures, 

and one day I trust that I will fly...

 "Since the earliest period of our life was pre-verbal, everything depended on emotional interaction. Without someone to reflect our emotions, we had no way of knowing who we were." ~John Bradshaw-"Healing the Shame that Binds You"

Friend, Not Foe

I am deeply and suddenly exhausted in a way that I think comes from surviving and living my life, which we are all doing in our own ways, but as a person with mental health issues, I am constantly having to find and use healthy coping skills. I am a highly anxious person which I think probably surprises many people, because I hide it well. My co-workers are always telling me how calm I am, but on the inside, I'm often tied in knots. I have been struggling with panic attacks, and intense worry over losing the important people in my life.  I hide because of shame. I have suffered since childhood with dissociative episodes, which means that it is common for me to lose chunks of time, where I remember nothing. It is how I coped with trauma, but now it is maladaptive, and no longer serves a purpose, and yet many things still trigger me to dissociate. I use a lot of energy trying to stay grounded, but also I'm worn out from the anxiety over whether or not I'm going to have a panic attack or dissociate. I have found many healthy coping skills such as yoga, meditation, deep breathing, and general self care, but I still fight my demons on a daily basis. 

I was on medication for many years, which I hated, and although I have generally done very well without medication, I'm back to looking in that direction to get some relief. I haven't decided yet, but it is an option I'm considering. I feel disappointed in myself that I don't handle stress in a "normal" way. I even feel angry in the amount of effort it takes for me to manage all of my symptoms, and then criticize myself for being whiny and ungrateful when other people suffer more than I do. Inside of my head there is constant arguing going on! I catch my negative self talk, and work on re-framing. I work hard on recovery, so I will take credit for that. I also have a deep passion to help other people to find their way through recovery, and that brings immense satisfaction.  

I realize that life is ever changing, but sometimes doesn't it seem like the universe is careening out of control? Maybe it is just me...

My dog is sick, my husband has a brain tumor, I worry about my kids lives, my jobs keep me running, and there are so many things going on at one time. I get easily overwhelmed, and I think too much about the small details that I lose sight of the big picture. I will handle whatever comes my way, because I have an excellent track record, but damn, it sure is terrifying at times! I am grateful for the people in my life who support and love me. I have an amazing life, and I am the one who allows fear to get in the way. I want to improve upon how I deal with stress, because I know it can be better. I have come such a long way, and I easily brush that aside because I'm used to kicking myself. Doing the best I can never seems good enough...

I need to treat myself more like a friend because being at war with myself has certainly never worked. 

Fractured Time

Fractured Time

The world grows loud as you slip away

thoughts like mercury

quickly separating and running back together

images flash

bile rising

as the darkness pools behind your eyes

The return is silent

scenery changing

as if waking inside of a soundless dream

Thirstily gulping handfuls of cold water

icy shame washes through you

Frantically searching your mind

but all that remains 

is the darkness

Angela Minard 2015© 

This darkness is lonely

Desperately weary of living 

like this...

Ocean Lullaby

Ocean Lullaby

Have you ever been startled

by your own sweet voice 

as you awaken from a dream?

Hauntingly strange

and yet familiar

shattering the silence of sleep

as if you had never forgotten the lyrics 

to your own soul

She 

was 

here

 for

 a

 breath

before slipping beneath the waves

The metallic taste of salt on your tongue

like a symphony before drowning

Angela Minard 2015©

The Ceiling Remembers

The Ceiling Remembers

You can't wait to get me off the phone

and although your voice is sanity

I let you go

because I'm not even sure

who speaks

"Hold still!," she hisses

I'm afraid of the shower in the basement

mold grows...

There is nowhere to get clean

I let you go

because I'm not even sure

who speaks

To my rosary beads:

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

over and over

"I will not tell"

Promising to forget

how my eyes do not close

and the ceiling remembers

my secrets

Angela Minard 2015©

Runaway Train

Runaway Train

I will tell you that sometimes

I'm the one who pulls the trigger

observing the destination

like a runaway train that I cannot save

Watching from a distance

I hear

"maybe this time"

"maybe this time"

chugging in my ears

Your mouth opens wide

but I do nothing

There is gravel embedded in your tiny knees

"crying and begging will get you nowhere"

I say

making funny faces until you finally giggle

We are nowhere

together

I learned the hard way

that pickle juice isn't for babies

but we were out of milk

and you were crying so hard

Forever can last months and months

until suddenly

you are in a different place

and the rumbling of the train in your sleep

jolts you

awake

Angela Minard 2015©

Possibility

My mind has been wandering lately, and I am a gifted daydreamer, if I do say so myself! It wasn't until this week though that I acknowledged what a wonderful and healthy coping skill it is to have. I found myself struggling this week, and through visualizing a safe space, I was able to self soothe and ground myself so that I didn't dissociate. I had moments of dissociation, but it never developed into a full blown episode, and for that, I am grateful. Life is happening, and after so many years of unhealthy coping, the feelings seem to fall like a rain storm. I have my freak out moments! I'm always wanting to know the reasons why I'm feeling a certain way, and if I can't come up with a reason, then I become frustrated, and tend to want to dismiss the feelings. This is where therapy comes in to really piss me off! I want a reason, dammit! I don't want to accept the feelings without a reason! Yeah, something to work on...

This week has worn me out both mentally and physically. I was sick with the flu last week, and I did take a couple of days off work, but I still pushed myself too hard, and was exhausted this week. On top of that, my husband had a car accident, which was not his fault, and luckily he wasn't hurt, but it is extra stress. I kept thinking to myself, "I cannot lose him!" as if this mantra would protect me, but I was scared...

Dave had an MRI last week to check on his brain tumor, and we see his neurologist this Thursday. He feels like something is not right, but I continue to hold positive thoughts, because nothing else does me any good. This week, I was MIA from the yoga studio, partly because my energy level was the lowest it has been in a long time, and partly because yoga helps me to get in touch with my emotions, so possibly I was avoiding my feelings. Today I subbed a Mommy/Baby yoga class, and a prenatal yoga class. After the prenatal class, a mom who had walked in late to the class came up to me in an emotional state, and I could sense that she wanted to talk, so I moved her into the empty studio. She had tears in her eyes as she explained that she was separated from her husband, and was desperate for physical touch. She asked if I could do some massage, and it was an honor. I was so impressed with her courage to ask for what she needed, and I shared that with her afterward. She said that it had been difficult, but something told her that I was a safe person to ask. Talk about emotions! I hugged her, and at that point I don't know who was helping who, but this is why I love yoga! I came home after that, and I felt drained! I was so tired, but I still had another class to teach, so I headed to the studio. I was signing in students, and a student came in with her adult son, who also happened to be diagnosed with Down's Syndrome. She helped him complete the paper work, and I asked him if he had ever taken a yoga class, to which he replied, "Nope!" They were both in the front row when I walked in, and he followed along beautifully. After class his mom said that for some reason she knew that my class was how she wanted to introduce her son to yoga, even though she had no idea that I worked with the special needs population as my day job. My heart is overflowing right now, and that much emotion, even good emotion, is difficult for me. I guess I'm writing to make sense of it all. I look around at my life, at who I am becoming, and I'm amazed and humbled. I don't know if I should bow down and kiss the earth, throw my arms up with joy, or curl into a fetal position, sobbing into my knees. I will make an attempt to embrace it all...

the pain, 

the fear, 

the joy, 

the peace...

The possibility!!! 

"When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life."

~Eckhart Tolle

Abandoned

Abandoned

The world spins fast and loud

Swallowed inside

where nothing seems real

The frightening drumming 

like a death warning

a premonition of impending darkness

Looking through stained glass brilliance

intensely colored shadows

 Overwhelming beauty

delivers blinding pain along with confusion

Passing reflections

unrecognizable

the study of unfamiliar eyes

flesh between fingers

Vanishing hunger

the expansiveness of mind and body

disappearing into the vast universe

of silence

Angela Minard 2014©

Photography~ "Stained" by Timothy Neesom

Sometimes I find things in my drafts that I don't remember writing, and so I read my words, all at once foreign and familiar, searching for the pieces of myself that would help me to make sense of who I am.

Explaining Dissociation

I'm feeling better after a rough day of dissociation this weekend, and a trigger that brought on a memory. It is a memory that I have often written about here, but I decided to post it on the Cycle Of Healing blog instead. Who knew that shopping for mattresses would be a trigger, but something was said about stains on a mattress, and I figured out that was the trigger. Sometimes I can't figure it out, which frustrates me. I called my therapist at some point, but don't remember calling her. The loss of memory, but being able to function is such a strange feeling, and one that brings on shame. I slept it off, but was exhausted on Monday. Today was okay besides being distracted by some racing thoughts. I'm getting ready for my yoga class, which I think will help me to be more connected and grounded to myself. I belong to a dissociation group on Facebook, and that combates the lonliness that I feel. I want other people suffering from this disorder not to feel so alone, which is why I sometimes write about it here. Dissociation is not only Multiple Personality Disorder. The type that I have is characterized by a“psychogenic fugue” (memory loss characteristic of amnesia, loss of one’s identity, and fleeing from one’s home environment. That is a run down, and I hope that I helped to explain it. Well, that is it for now...moving forward from here.

The Body Remembers

Art by Margareta Jungerth Boo

I don't know if I talked here much about body memories, but I have them, and they are even difficult for me to understand. Researchers have noted that a trauma is stored in somatic memory and expressed as changes in the biological stress response. This means that sexual abuse is a traumatic experience and that the memory of it can be stored in your physical body. I experience body memories with pelvic pain, and painful jaws from oral intercourse. I will often awaken from a nightmare physically feeling as if the abuse has just occured. This comes out everyday with jaw clenching, chewing the insides of my mouth, and uncontrolled tightening of my pelvic muscles, as if I'm waiting for the assault. It took me a long time to talk about this. I felt as if I was crazy, but when I brought it up to my trauma therapist, he was so understanding, and he explained that the pain is real. This has been one of the most difficult parts of my recovery. On top of the flashbacks, I could actually feel the rape of my body as if it was happening all over again. Body memories are an important piece of the healing work. The body can say a lot about the incidents of abuse, and it really is impossible to re-create a body memory when there was no memory in the first place. Because of that, body memories are often helpful in breaking through the denial layers of dissociation. The body may remember moments of the abuse that were too emotionally difficult for the survivors to manage, but by truly listening to their bodies, survivors can learn a great deal about their histories. As I move through this process, acknowledging the truth of what happened to me, I can learn to comfort myself without blame or shame.

Out Loud

I often have flashbacks and dreams about the sick details of being raped, but I can hardly ever say those details out loud. I have told my therapist some things, but up until now, I never knew that I had also told my mother, and that when I told her, it was out of anger. Anger is a difficult emotion for me to be honest about, and I tend to shove it down as deep as I can get it. My mom said that it was before I went into treatment for the eating disorder, which means it would have been about four years ago. At that point, I had not told my therapist much of anything other than it had happened. I was in a dissociative state when I told her and I don't remember it at all. I haven't talked to my husband about it yet, but she said that he was there, and that later when she came back downstairs, I was sitting in his lap, crying. That tells me that I was back inside the mind of an eleven year old girl. I don't like to think that I'm angry with her about it. As I child, I don't remember blaming her, but on a deeper level, if I'm honest about it, there is anger, it is just hard for me to access. Hiding behind the dissociation, I could safely express it, and so that is what I did. Hurting someone intentionally doesn't feel very good, even if I didn't know what I was doing. It is definitely something that I will be discussing with my therapist tomorrow. I'm not quite sure it is something that I'm able to wrap my mind around. I guess there is a part of me that felt it was important for her to know. I think that it may be important for me to be able to hear myself say those same words out loud.

Separate Selves And Becoming Whole

I didn't go to work yesterday. In the morning, I had a doctors appointment, and I was going to go back in the afternoon, but I felt emotionally exhausted and drained. It has been a rough couple of weeks when it comes to feelings. I'm not always sure what to do with them. I think that is the problem...I'm not pushing them away, shoving them down, and starving to get rid of them. They are overwhelming at times, and there are memories that I never have actually dealt with before, and they are frightening. I woke up from a nightmare on Friday. It was a dream of a real memory, and it made me physically sick to my stomach. I thought, "How could they have done those things to a little girl." Maybe sometimes I still separate myself from the child that I was, but I think that I'm trying to integrate my two separate selves into one whole person. I don't have to dissociate to get away from those memories anymore, and I haven't done that in awhile. I'm learning to deal with everything in a healthy way, and as painful as it is, I'm making my way through. I sure do cry a lot though!

Morning Musings

It is 4:00 a.m., and here I am. The nightmares get me everytime, and although I could wake my husband up for some comfort, I don't, mostly because I feel unclean. I used to take a bath after one of those dreams having to do with the rape, but I have to force myself not to because what would happen is that I would cry, have flashbacks, and then dissociate. I've even been found in the bathtub by my husband with my clothes on, so instead I got up, made myself some tea, and decided to get on the computer. I suppose that it is good that I've learned to use another way to cope. I have therapy today, so maybe we can figure out what triggers these dreams. I hate them so much! It always affects me the day after, and it doesn't help that I'm tired from not getting sleep. I'm also worried about a new student that we are getting today. He has some severe behavioral issues, and will need a lot of support. He will have a para coming with him, and although the para knows the student, he has never worked directly with him before. It will upset the balance of the classroom for awhile, which is fine, but I'm worried about the student that I work with who also has very challenging behaviors and is quite aggressive. I think it will be a little crazy for awhile. I love my job, but there are days! Yesterday I was thrown up on by one of my 5 yr. olds. I went to wipe his runny nose and all of a sudden he puked right into my hands. Lovely! :) Okay, sorry that was probably too much information, but it's all in good fun :-D
It has helped so much to write this morning, so thanks for reading. I love my little blog!

Never

“In spite of language, in spite of intelligence and intuition and sympathy, one can never really communicate anything to anybody. The essential substance of every thought and feeling remains incommunicable, locked up in the impenetrable strong-room of the individual soul and body. Our life is a sentence of perpetual solitary confinement.” ~ Aldous Huxley

There is deep within, a depth of despair that I cannot seem to find the words for… that I seem unable, or maybe it is unwilling to express. In desperation, I reach into my own silence, and I’m drowning inside. I tell myself that no one understands how empty and stolen I feel, as if my soul has been ripped away, and can never be repaired. Never is such a child’s word. Never is eternity, an endless chasm in which I’ve fallen. I don’t remember asking you to promise that you would never leave. “Never ever,” I said, like a little girl, but promises are also for children, and you can’t, you reply. I’m embarrassed by your memory, because mine skips time when I’m afraid. I thought that I was reaching out, but really, all that I’m asking is for you to give up…to let me go.

Glimpses Of Light

"Everything felt fragile and freshly come upon, but for now, at least, my depression had stepped back, giving me room to move forward. I had forgotten what it was like to be without it, and for a moment I floundered, wondering how I would recognize myself. I knew for certain it would return, sneaking up on me when I wasn’t looking, but meanwhile there were bound to be glimpses of light if only I stayed around and held fast to the long perspective. It was a chance that seemed worth taking."
~ Daphne Merkin, “A Journey Through Darkness: My Life with Chronic Depression

I know what she means when she says, "For a moment I floundered, wondering how I would recognize myself." I feel like what I'm doing right now is trying to figure out who I will be without the eating disorder, and without this ongoing sadness. On the days when I feel like I'm moving forward, I can't help but worry that everything is going to fall out from under me. I seem to struggle so much with living in the present moment. Daily I have to remind myself to only focus on the here and now. You would think that I would have gotten it by now! I do see glimpses of light, and at times I do see how far I have come.
I had an appointment with my trauma therapist this morning, and we talked about the nightmares that I've been having about the rape. He thinks that through the dreams, I'm trying to resolve the missing pieces and scattered memories that I have. I find it difficult to ground myself after I awaken, and often it sends me into a dissociative episode. I feel so discouraged when this happens, and it also makes me feel ashamed. I'm embarrassed by what I view as a lack of self control. I have gotten so much better about using my grounding tools, but sometimes they still fail to keep me in the present, and that is very frustrating to me. I am safe now, but often in my mind, I don't feel very safe. Too often, I hide in my own shadows of fear, but I'm so tired of being afraid to live. I'm determined to get a hold on this and move forward.

Untitled

This half smile feels like more effort than it is worth today. I remember Monday, the sleep filled nightmares, but Tuesday is a blur, and my husband just informed me that today is Wednesday. A day lost...a walking dream. I recollect the pain, as it rolls over into this day, and I feel like I can barely speak without tears. I understand selective mutism. How many years of silence, the words swollen and aching, festering like an infected wound. Please don't touch me, I long to scream, not now, while my flesh still crawls. Don't comfort me, don't help me. It hurts too much.

Falling Away

All of my old coping mechanisms are falling away, leaving me to deal with painful memories and feelings on my own. Well, I guess that I have always dealt with them on my own, only in not such healthy ways. This morning I awoke from a nightmare. It was a strange dream, where I could see my rapists faces, although in reality, I cannot remember them with any clarity. All that I remember is that one of them had red hair. By the time that I woke up, the faces were gone, and usually that would be fine, but I wanted to see them...to see their faces, and be angry, and hate them for what they did to me. For once, I did not try to escape inside of my own mind. I did not run away, and it hurts, but I'm feeling. It hurts, but I'm moving forward.

Freedom Speaks

Freedom Speaks

I would literally
squeeze my eyes closed
as tightly as I could
and count to ten
when the memories
would threaten to creep in.
Sometimes the flashing images
in the darkness would buzz
so loudly in my ears,
and I would have to get away,
seperating from myself
once again.

It is the child
who can will their own escape;
drifting dreamless,
until the fear finds a secret place to hide.

The darkest secrets,
living in silence,
will suffocate your soul.
Freedom speaks.

Angela Minard 2010©

Grounding Techniques

In the years following being sexually abused, many times I experienced flashbacks, panic attacks, and dissociation. I now have many tools that I use to get myself grounded back in reality when this happens. I thought that I would share some of those with you:)

Flashbacks are memories of past traumas. They may take the form of pictures, sounds, smells, body sensations, feelings or the lack of them (numbness). Many times there is no actual visual or auditory memory. One may have the sense of panic, being trapped, feeling powerless with no memory stimulating it. These experiences can also happen in dreams.

Grounding Techniques

• Tell yourself that you are having a flashback
• Remind yourself that the worst is over. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are memories of the past. The actual event took place long ago, and you survived.
• Breathe. When we get scared we stop normal breathing. As a result, our body begins to panic from the lack of oxygen. Lack of oxygen in itself causes a great deal of panic feelings: pounding in the head, tightness, sweating, feeling faint, shakiness, dizziness. When we breathe deeply enough, a lot of the panic feelings can decrease.
• Reorient to the present. Begin to use your five senses in the present. Look around and see the colors in the room, the shapes of things, the people near, etc. Listen to the sounds around you: your breathing, traffic, birds, people, cars, etc. Feel your body and what is touching it: your clothes, your own arms and hands, the chair or floor supporting you.
• Sometimes getting ice, or submerging your hands in cold water will help to shock your body back to the present.
• Speak to yourself as the child you were if your trauma happened as a child, and reassure him/her. It is very healing to get your adult in the now, that you can get out if you need to, that it is OK to feel the feelings of long ago without reprisal. The child needs to know that it is safe to experience the feelings/sensations and let go of the past.

These exercises take some practice, and they won't always work, but they have helped me to feel like I have some control over the memories instead of the memories controlling me.

Now, give your inner child a hug, and have a great week!

My List of Wants

Wants~

• To listen and be heard
• To see and be seen
• To feel and be felt
• To make a difference
• To matter
• To live in the now
• To feel joy
• To grieve
• To trust
• To have faith
• To have self worth
• To nurture and be nurtured
• To move on
• To nourish myself body and soul
• To hold on
• To be held

Oh, the list is endless, but never the less, I'm working on believing that I deserve those things. I swallow my feelings instead of swallowing food, but I'm stuffed full of emotions that long to spill out, and I'm afraid that they will be too much for me or anyone else to handle. For so long, what I've really been working on is disappearing.

On Monday evening, I turned pillows into punching bags, and it felt so good, although I cannot pinpoint what triggered my anger. I suppose I have reasons for my pent up rage, but it surprised even me. I rarely show anger to anyone, instead I become mute. No one was around, so it felt safe to release it. Healing is exhausting, but slowly the weight is lifting. I haven't had flashbacks, panic attacks, or *dissociated in weeks. Now if I could get this eating disorder under control. My therapist says that it will be the hardest thing for me to let go of, and I think she is right. Most of me still doesn't even want to let it go, and I know that sounds sick and horrible, but it makes me feel safe for some reason that doesn't even make sense to me. I need to find the right key to fit the lock. All that I can do is to keep on searching.

* In psychology and psychiatry, a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events, which in severe form is known as dissociative amnesia.
The term dissociation refers to the act of separating or the state of being separated.