Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Glimpses Of Light

letting go Pictures, Images and Photos

"Everything felt fragile and freshly come upon, but for now, at least, my depression had stepped back, giving me room to move forward. I had forgotten what it was like to be without it, and for a moment I floundered, wondering how I would recognize myself. I knew for certain it would return, sneaking up on me when I wasn’t looking, but meanwhile there were bound to be glimpses of light if only I stayed around and held fast to the long perspective. It was a chance that seemed worth taking."
~ Daphne Merkin, “A Journey Through Darkness: My Life with Chronic Depression

I know what she means when she says, "For a moment I floundered, wondering how I would recognize myself." I feel like what I'm doing right now is trying to figure out who I will be without the eating disorder, and without this ongoing sadness. On the days when I feel like I'm moving forward, I can't help but worry that everything is going to fall out from under me. I seem to struggle so much with living in the present moment. Daily I have to remind myself to only focus on the here and now. You would think that I would have gotten it by now! I do see glimpses of light, and at times I do see how far I have come.
I had an appointment with my trauma therapist this morning, and we talked about the nightmares that I've been having about the rape. He thinks that through the dreams, I'm trying to resolve the missing pieces and scattered memories that I have. I find it difficult to ground myself after I awaken, and often it sends me into a dissociative episode. I feel so discouraged when this happens, and it also makes me feel ashamed. I'm embarrassed by what I view as a lack of self control. I have gotten so much better about using my grounding tools, but sometimes they still fail to keep me in the present, and that is very frustrating to me. I am safe now, but often in my mind, I don't feel very safe. Too often, I hide in my own shadows of fear, but I'm so tired of being afraid to live. I'm determined to get a hold on this and move forward.


Wanda's Wings said...

You are doing an excellent job of moving forward. I'm proud of you. I hate the feeling of when the bottom is going to drop out. Maybe you are past it now. Enjoy the good ,safe feelings. You have earned it!

Paula said...

Since more then one year I experience dissociative moments / episodes. Means I found yself in parts of town I didnt wnat to go to. Missed appointments and nearly burned the kitchen. During my walk I got lost... more than once. Well, I learned that these episodes are self protection. When there is to much going on inside the soul turns to the most important things to deal with and put others on the backburner, meant I get lost in town. After my first intervall in trauma therapy all was gone, except a lack of concentration. Now during the walk it returned and they didnt frightened me anymore. Simply because I knew it is a selfhelp program of my soul. I think it is wonderful that our inside helps us during sleep and during waking time. Dont get me wrong, the nightmares are so exhausting, physically and emotionally, yet they helped me along. When I stopped fighting the nightmares and stopped fighteing the dissociations, I got better. Not sure if this is of any help - sharing my experiences. Thinking of you. Love from this side of the pond

Angela said...

Thanks Paula~ It is nice to hear that I'm not alone in what I've been going through. I'm glad that you have found some peace with it. That is also what I'm hoping to find. Take care:)

Lily said...

I understand what you mean. It's so hard to feel so fearful of moving forward, that even the smallest shuffle of your feet constitutes huge sacrifices and changes. But there we are, watching the world in front of us, in arms reach of what we want and we are still afraid to take that step. It's scary... but the more shuffles we take, the easier it is to step.

Sunny said...

Well said, Angie. I love you...keep up the good fight. ;)

Paula said...

Thinking of you. Hugs