Friday, July 30, 2010

Not Sick Enough

eating disorders Pictures, Images and Photos

Yesterday I had an appointment with my nutritionist. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting her time and my money when I go. I'm not really the most compliant client. Yesterday's session was productive though. We talked about the voice that I have inside of my head, which she called the "critical parent." These are some of the things that the "critical parent" says to me; "You are a failure if you eat." "You have no willpower." "You are weak." " You haven't accomplished enough to deserve food." The perfectionist in me doesn't want to disobey, so daily I allow myself to be abused. By this point in my life I feel beaten down by this constant critical voice inside of my head. Standing up to the "critical parent" is the difficult part. I have trouble making my own voice heard, so standing up for myself feels like a daunting task. I told my nutritionist that I don't feel sick enough to fully recover. She actually laughed when I said this, and said, "So you think that you're recovered enough?" I know how ridiculous that sounds, and yet I can't shake the thought that I don't deserve to be treated anymore. I'm far from the sickly, emaciated woman that I used to be, and yet I can also see how far from well I am. I want someone else to give me the answers. I want an easy fix, but there isn't one. I don't even know where to start repairing the damage. I'm patched up, but there is still a leak in the boat, so to speak. Anyone have any ideas for me? I'm all ears:)


Paula said...

Well your inside voice however it is called it part of you. You do stand up, you are heard - just not the most healthy part of you. I named this voice inside ms Mrs. Patronizing Know it all. In therapy I was asked to draw a cake and draw a line how much of me this Mrs Patronizing takes up - more than half! Next I worried how I could reduce this voice. Didnt work for me. On the end I managed to increase th other parts of me - means the automatically take up more space and slowly but surely the voice of Nrs Patronizing grows less. Well, that is how I dealt with it and still do. Yet we all have our own ways to learn to deal with this voice. HUgs to you

Wanda's Wings said...

You are doing better, so you are listening to the healthy you. Those old critical voices are hard to silence. They have been a part of us so long. Continue to praise yourself for the victories. This is a very long and painful process. But you can win. Standing there with you.

clean and crazy said...

step work works for me. i take it one step at a time, one day at a time. that is all we got. just work on being healthy today, sometimes it is for the next 5 minutes but you get through it with a little surrender and acceptance.

you've come a long way girl, don't quit before the miracle happens.

Ann said...

I wish I did have answers for you, all I can do is wish you the best :)

Flannery said...

Oh man, I feel like that all the time. As if somehow every single medical health professional was wrong about me and really I'm just a big whiny fake.

Hang in there! You deserve to get better. You deserve treatment.

Sunny said... know, I think you have reached the most difficult part of the whole thing. It's like being a distance runner and in the beginning you KNOW how many miles are in front of you, so you pace yourself, when the sweating starts, you feel great, because "I'm doing this!" Then, as the race wears on, thoughts turn to the burn in your upper thighs and your feelings go from "I'm doing this," to "I can do this!"

Even later, as the race continues, you lose sight of how many miles you've gone already, because you're thirsty and you keep thinking the finish line is coming soon, but it doesn't get there when you expect it to, so you feel your stamina leaving...any runner would know that this is the part where you must relax you shoulders, roll them if you have to, to remove the tension...then, find your second (or third) breath and push it through to the finish.

You CAN do deserve to do this. If you find it difficult to stand up the the critical parent, then use another person's voice...make up one if you need to. Create your own advocate inside yourself. No matter what, try to stop the parent voice and then yell back if you have to (I've done was my whisper scream in the kitchen). Maybe it won't work, maybe it will help. I don't know...I just now it might be worth a shot.

Love you.

Angela said...

Thank you all for the support and great advice! I'm not giving up:)

Paula said...

Passing by, giving some hugs.

Lily said...

Man I want to take that inside voice and beat it to death with something! I completely understand the thought behind not feeling like you are sick enough to deserve treatment. I wish I had an answer to what you are dealing with... I still feel like that because I'm not a huddled mass of terror, panic, tears and pain that I shouldn't be wasting my t's time in counseling. I'm better, but nowhere near where I want to be.

sandy petals said...

You are so brave to stay on this path. It is so difficult to overcome the voices we hear. It is a tough lesson to learn that we are our own worst critic.You do deserve to heal and heal completely. Don't cut yourself short.

sandy said...

Perhaps you need a counselor in addition to the nutritionist?

Good Luck, keep busy and keep talking about your problems.

Best of luck