Processing Time

I have worked with kiddos with autism for over fifteen years, as well as having my own son with autism. I'm used to waiting a longer amount of time for a response than what is considered average. People with developmental disabilities, as well as individuals with brain injuries have a longer processing time, so I wait...

I'm just now realizing that I have a longer than average processing time when it comes to my emotions. 

Feelings are unlabeled because I have no idea in the moment what is happening. 

I store my emotions like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter, and then they explode before I even have a chance to make much sense of them. 

This is why I have a therapist to help me sort through the mess of feelings that confound and confuse me on an almost daily basis. 

Laughter, and joy are easier to accept, but sadness and anger I have labeled as bad, and off limits, so I do all kinds of inappropriate things with those emotions in particular. 

It is where my eating disorder came from, as well as self harm and dissociation. 

I turn my anger and sadness in the only direction I know, which is at myself. 

I have been taught some great skills from my treatment team, as well as from my yoga teachers, but they don't always work, and that is frustrating. 

Nothing is full proof, and when my tools fail me, I feel like a failure. 

My therapist tells me,"feeling is not being," and so feeling like a failure does not mean that I am a failure. 

Tonight I worked all day, went to therapy, and taught two yoga classes. 

I didn't have time to check in or acknowledge my feelings, but they still caught up with me. 

I came home, sat down, took a few deep breaths, and gahhhh...

I'm crying! 

Damn, I'm sad, happy, tired, and fucking confused...

Delayed emotional reaction in progress! 

I can't even get comfort when I need it most of the time, because when it hits me that I need it, there is no one around. 

It is no wonder that so often I feel alone...

I am not alone. 

I am loved. 

I am loved. 

I am loved. 

It just takes me awhile to feel it...

Effects On The Heart

My job requires me to move around quite frequently to different schools, so I may work with students for a short amount of time, train staff, and then move on. Many of the students that I work with are non verbal, and so most often I do not know how my abrupt departure affects them. At the beginning of the school year, I worked with a first grade boy diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. He is an extremely intelligent and verbal child, who always let me know exactly what he was feeling and thinking! I only worked with him for 4 weeks, but he touched my heart, and telling him that I was leaving was difficult. Since I left, he has been sending me e-mails, and they can be quite heart wrenching. He asks why I left, and if he did something bad to make me leave. He apologizes for any misbehavior, and so when I write back I always try to reassure him that he didn't do anything to cause me to leave. I tell him that he is doing great on his own, and that another student needed my help. The e-mail he sent me this week asked me if I missed him, and if I could come and visit him, so this morning I stopped by and sat with him before school started. We chatted about his favorite subject, the Titanic, and he told me that he printed out the picture of me that he had requested I send him. We took a couple of selfies together on my phone, which I told him I would e-mail, I walked him to his classroom, and gave him a high five before I left. He is such a serious little man, but he looked me square in the eyes, gave me a huge grin, and said, "I knew you missed me!" 

Ahhh, my heart!

Artwork by~ Deborah Wenlock

Wide Open

I'm in an overwhelming space of clarity, if that is even possible. Can you be overwhelmed with clarity? When you allow yourself to be wide open, without judgment of yourself or others, it is amazing all that you can see. My youngest son is in the confusing place of being a 16 year old in 2013. I struggle with how to help him, because I truly do not know what it is like for him. How do any of us survive our teenage years? I have the luxury of stepping back, and I can offer suggestions, but that is all I can do. We have to make our own mistakes, and that is always how we learn and grow. It is painful to watch someone you love be lost in confusion.

 

I've been thinking so much about my future, and where yoga is taking me. I took a workshop yesterday on using yoga in the classroom, which was very inspiring. I already use some yoga and breathing techniques with my students, but I'm excited to incorporate it even more into the classroom environment. I'm determined to go ahead with teacher's training in January, although I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it at this point. It will all work itself out one way or another. I know that I'm meant to share my knowledge and my journey. All that I can do is continue on my path of learning, be open to change, and embrace whatever comes my way.

Yay

I had such an amazing yoga practice this afternoon, where the entire practice felt like a moving meditation, and I'm still flooded with a sense of peace and contentment. I don't have any pain in my hip right now, and I'm so grateful to be able to practice again. Not only was I missing the yoga itself, but I was also missing all of the friends I have made. I'm not going to allow what is going on in my body to steal my dreams. If I have to have surgery this year it may delay the teachers training, and my practice will be different, but where I am now, and what I'm going through is meant to teach me something if I can stop resisting and be open to whatever comes my way.

Today I practiced beside a new friend, and her energy was very soothing and calm. After class we were talking, and she told me she is a massage therapist. I have been wanting to get a massage but I knew that I would have to feel a certain level of comfort and trust with someone, and I knew it would have to be a female. I'm going to schedule a massage with her, and she also said she would like to get together to practice yoga. Yay for new friends!

I have a few days off work before summer school begins, but I'm actually excited to be teaching this summer. I'll be working in a few different pre-school autism classrooms, and I've really grown to love the little ones. It wasn't my comfort zone at first because I was so used to working with high school students, but it has been fun, and I don't have the stress and fear of being injured. The aggression of a 4 year old is not nearly as frightening as someone who is a teenager. My days are lighthearted, and I get more hugs!

 

Yay for hugs!

A Bummer Day

Today I'm hurting over a student that I worked with for over a year. I made the decision to move on, and though I know it is for the best, it is still difficult. I do grow attached to the kids that I work with, and it is hard to let go when the time comes. I've been doing this job for ten years, so you would think that it gets easier, but it doesn't. I knew today that when I was flinching everytime he came near me, it wasn't going to work anymore. There were also some other politics that led to my choice to leave. Basically the school doesn't care about the safety of their staff, and I was tired of being injured and no one having my back. Part of me feels as if I've failed or given up, but then the other part feels like I'm doing what I need to do to take care of myself. It will be easier to get up and go to work everyday knowing that I'm not going to be hit. It is only Tuesday, and I feel so exhausted. I'm glad that next week will be short because of the Thanksgiving holiday. Wishing everyone a great week.

It Will All Be Okay

I was cussed out by a 6 yr. old on the playground today. I'm smiling as I say cussed out because he has autism, and his "words" were not understandable, and yet the tone was definitely cursing! Those are the times when I love my job. He didn't want to go back inside, and I didn't blame him on this beautiful autumn day.

I still haven't left the aggressive student that I work with in the morning though. I'm riding out the storm, and I'm not restraining right now until my broken finger heals. There is another meeting for him tomorrow, and so many people have come into observe him. I think things will change, or he will be transfered to a more appropriate setting than a school classroom. Maybe this is wishful thinking...

Stress is high at home with my son, who was arrested on a drug charge, and is also on the autism spectrum. He is getting diversion, but it costs $850.00, so we had to ask for a continuance because we don't have the money. The judge gave us 8 weeks to come up with the money. We barely make our bills as it is, so we don't have that kind of money just lying around. I have faith that it will work out, but it is a difficult situation none the less.

On the yoga front, I'm practicing, broken finger and all. It holds my sanity in place like nothing else can. Of course the drugs also help ;-)

That brings me to the eating disorder. My recovery is going in such a forward direction, and even though I have stress right now, I'm still eating like a "normal" person. That is not to say that everyday is not a struggle, but I push myself to do it, even though there is the other voice in my head that still whispers to me. I'm learning to accept my body the way it is, flaws and all. So, oh well, I'm not a Victoria's Secret model...it is okay. It will all be okay.

Overwhelmed...

I have a broken pinky finger from blocking myself from getting hit in the face Tuesday at work. I don't think that I will be working with that student anymore unless some changes are made to his plan. The whole situation is so frustrating. I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I know that a lot of you will also say that I brought this on myself. I should have left sooner...I stayed home from work altogether today, which is more a mental health break than anything.

I also have a family thing going on, which is making me very emotional. I avoid talking much about my kids here to protect their privacy, but I have an 18 yr. old with autism, and he is going through a huge transition in his life which I don't think we were very prepared to deal with, and now it is staring us in the face. We have tried to let him be independent, but are realizing that he is going to need more help and assistance. He is struggling to find a job, and we haven't even taught him how to drive yet, because we don't think he is ready for the responsibility that would require. I filled out an on-line application for vocational rehabilitation services through the state. He has made such gains, and when he was 4 yrs. old, and non verbal, I never thought he would be as high functioning as he is, so I am very grateful for how far he has come, but maybe I was in some denial about how much help he would need as an adult with a disability. He was arrested last month for possession of marijuana, and his choice of friends is more than questionable. He wants so much to belong, and I think he is self medicating with the drugs. Monday, Dave and I are going with him to meet with his therapist. I wish we would have been more proactive, so I'm beating up on myself a bit. He has been pulling out the hair on his arms due to stress, so we increased his anti-depressant. Life feels overwhelming right now. I also can't do yoga with a broken finger, and that really pisses me off! Whine, whine, whine!!! Well, that is enough for now. If you made it to the end of this post, thanks for reading:)

Intentions

Today was my first day back at work. I have the same placement as last year, which is good. Change can be difficult for me, whether good or bad. I'm working with a 7th grader, and then I will be in an autism classroom with kindergarten/1st graders, which is fun and also can be exhausting.

I will miss my morning yoga classes, and will have to move back to evenings, but that is okay. I plan on getting up early enough to do a little bit before I go to work like I did this morning. I'm addicted! I've even taken to burning incense at home to recreate the yoga studio atmosphere. It calms me...what can I say:) I can't thank my parents enough for giving me the opportunity to take classes. It really has helped me so much with peace of mind and setting intentions for each day. I'm intent on healing, on being a better person, accepting things that I cannot change, and gratitude for what I have. I feel so much better inhabiting this body that I have been given, and treating it with more respect than I ever have before. That is not to say that I'm not still struggling, because everyday I have a fight with myself over eating. Should I, shouldn't I, what, when, etc... It drives me crazy. I do worry about my weight, and get stuck on wanting to lose more, but it's not quite the obsession that it used to be. I want to say that I have every hope of recovering, but as my nutritionist likes to say, "Hope doesn't make it happen." I have to believe in myself to make it happen, and I do believe that I will.

Work And Other Stuff

I'm in the computer room at work today, and it will be the only chance that I have to even sit down or breathe. My student is only good when he is on the computer. This morning I have had to restrain nine times, and he has been in the safe room twice, and it is only 9:30. Today I had someone observing me, so I was nervous about that, but they said how amazed they were with how good I am and how positive I am with my student, even in difficult situations. That made me feel great, because sometimes I feel like what I'm doing doesn't make a difference. Today I feel competent in my job. What an incredible feeling, and it has really made my day:)I'm relieved that I don't have to work tomorrow though, because I'm physically worn out. I'm planning on taking two yoga classes today just to de-stress. I love the deep stretch class because of how wonderful and loose my body feels afterward, but I also like the yoga flow class because it is a great workout.
I had therapy yesterday, and the session felt productive. I also really needed the hug that I received from her. I'm a glutton when it comes to physical affection. If I don't get my evening snuggles from my husband then I feel deprived! Anyway...I love days like this when my I'm validated. It definitely helps with my self esteem issues. I hope that everyone is having as good of a day as I am:-)

Another Lost Angel

I've lost another one of my little autism friends, and I'm heartbroken beyond belief. This is the second little one from this classroom that we have lost this year. He was playing outside this afternoon, and ran away from his parents. They couldn't find him, called the police to help look for him, and found him in a neighbors pool. He was a bright spot, with a brilliant smile, filled with exuberance for life, and spontaneous hugs. Tomorrow is the last day of school, and it will be so hard to walk into that classroom and not see his shining face. His light will be greatly missed.

Shedding The Old Skin

I feel like I'm a snake, shedding its skin, and everything feels strange and new. It doesn't quite fit yet, and I'm attempting to settle into my new home. I've had some sad, down in my gut wrenching moments this week. I had therapy on Wednesday, and I went in there feeling out of sorts, unsure of what was causing me the pain that I had been feeling since Sunday. We talked through my week, and I realized that sometimes I feel cheated because my family is so far away. I missed being with my mom on Mother's Day, and really wished she had come for a quick visit. There is an empty space that sometimes needs to be filled by being around the people who have known you all of your life...Who still love in you in spite of your faults, and understand how you have come to be the person that you are. I have my husband and my boys, but because my mom and I shared a closeness, and literally grew up together in many ways, that bond is impossible to replace with anything or anyone else. Once I could pinpoint the reason for my sense of loss, I could slowly release the burden that had been weighing on my heart.
This work week has also been hectic. I've been observing and taking data on some elementary kiddos who are having behavioral issues, on top of working with my regular autism students. I'm overwhelmed with things that I have to do this weekend. I have an end of the year test on nine of the autism modules we have studied this year, I need to write my son a graduation letter, and I also need to write a letter of recommendation for a co-worker. I have a wedding and reception to attend today, so that cuts into my study time. I'm also not a good test taker because I get so anxious, so all of this is weighing on my mind. All that I ask is to get through the last week of this school year in one piece. I will be relieved when I get everything done! I'm going to go and get ready for that wedding now, but I'm wishing all of you a wonderful weekend:)

Summer Plans And Goals

As this school year winds down, it seems that the days get busier, and the kids that I work with are thrown a bit off kilter. Their routines get shaken up, and children with autism don't do well with change most of the time. The next two weeks are going to feel long. I wish that I was going to be off for the entire summer, but I went ahead and signed on to work summer school. My incentive is being able to afford a new laptop. It also gets me up and out of my p.j.'s, instead of lounging the day away. I will have a month of summer where I won't work, and that is still a good break.
I really want to focus this summer on moving my mind and body away from the eating disorder. Yoga has propelled me forward, and I'm improving in so many ways, but there is still so much work to do. The weather is warming up, the yoga clothes, and summer clothes in general are more revealing of my body, and that has made me self conscious and critical of myself. Today was a bad body image day, which I let affect my food intake, and the negative voices ran rampant through my mind. This week hasn't started off well when it comes to food, so I need to get my head back in the game. It is strange the amount of effort I have to put into eating. I know that is hard for people without eating disorders to understand. My hunger cues aren't reliable, and after so many years of restricting, it feels like eating the 3 meals and 2 snacks that I'm supposed to have is a lot of work, and a lot of food. I'm not even up to the snacks yet!
I still have great faith that I will get through all of this, and even the not so good days are steps on my journey.

Positives For The Week...

It has been a long week at work. My kiddos with autism challenge me daily, and yet I also learn so much from them. There are days that it is rewarding, and days when I'm discouraged, but I still love it. Sometimes the adults that I work with are more difficult than the students! I'm glad that it is Friday. I'm looking forward to my yoga classes this weekend, and just enjoying the warmer weather. I have had some successes with food this week, which is very encouraging. I ate a flatbread sandwich at Subway this afternoon. I rarely eat fast food because it scares me, but I got a veggie sandwich and all was good:-) The boys wanted pizza for dinner, so I also has a piece of pizza. Two meals in one day, and all fast food none the less. Go me! I have been feeling fairly positive about myself all in all, and when the negative thoughts creep in, I try to reframe them. I can't believe that something as simple as yoga could change things for me, but I think the whole philosophy and attitude of nurturing yourself and your body is so helpful for me. Victor, who is one of the instructors came over to me after class one day while I was rolling up my mat. He asked me to sit and talk with him for a minute. He asked why I was there, and I kind of told him a bit of my story. He told me that his wife, who is also one of the instructors, was a recovered anorexic, and something told him that I had issues with how I felt about my body. He comes over and adjusts my poses sometimes, and tells me to relax, and not too think too much about if I'm doing it right. He told his wife about me, and encouraged me to take one of her classes, so that is what I'm going to do tomorrow. Well, that is a bit about my week. I'm wishing everyone a fabulous weekend :)

You Only Live Once

Between nightmares and worry, I was awake for a full 48 hours, and then the flu hit me. It wasn't surprising considering I had been thrown up on by one of my little friends on Tuesday. I'm caught up on sleep now, and my worry has subsided. The little boy that was in the ICU is now doing much better. We are still waiting on test results, but he is alert and eating, so those are good signs. I don't realize how attached to my students I get until something like this happens. It is easy to take good health for granted, and to believe that your loved ones will be around forever. I try not to think of losing the important people in my life. I'd rather live in denial I suppose. I almost lost my husband once, and I'll never forget how terrifying that was to go through. I'm blessed that I still have my parents, and all of my immediate family surrounding me.

Now let's move on to some happier thoughts:) My appetite is back, and I've been wanting one of those Sonic Red Velvet/Cheesecake Blasts. My husband and I are going out to get one. YUM!!! I'm allowing myself a treat:)

Send Up A Prayer

Please send up a prayer, good karma, or whatever you've got for a little friend of mine with autism who is in kindergarten, and I also work with him. He is in the ICU, and not doing well. We have been hit hard in our classroom this year, as a few months back we lost another 5 yr.old to a seizure disorder. Thank you so much!

***UPDATE***

My little friend is doing better, and they have moved him out of the ICU.

Thank you all, for your prayers and good thoughts!

Morning Musings

It is 4:00 a.m., and here I am. The nightmares get me everytime, and although I could wake my husband up for some comfort, I don't, mostly because I feel unclean. I used to take a bath after one of those dreams having to do with the rape, but I have to force myself not to because what would happen is that I would cry, have flashbacks, and then dissociate. I've even been found in the bathtub by my husband with my clothes on, so instead I got up, made myself some tea, and decided to get on the computer. I suppose that it is good that I've learned to use another way to cope. I have therapy today, so maybe we can figure out what triggers these dreams. I hate them so much! It always affects me the day after, and it doesn't help that I'm tired from not getting sleep. I'm also worried about a new student that we are getting today. He has some severe behavioral issues, and will need a lot of support. He will have a para coming with him, and although the para knows the student, he has never worked directly with him before. It will upset the balance of the classroom for awhile, which is fine, but I'm worried about the student that I work with who also has very challenging behaviors and is quite aggressive. I think it will be a little crazy for awhile. I love my job, but there are days! Yesterday I was thrown up on by one of my 5 yr. olds. I went to wipe his runny nose and all of a sudden he puked right into my hands. Lovely! :) Okay, sorry that was probably too much information, but it's all in good fun :-D
It has helped so much to write this morning, so thanks for reading. I love my little blog!

A Brighter Day

"I do not want to be afraid.
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in.
I'm tired of feeling so numb.
Relief exists, I find it when I am cut." ~ Tiffany Arbuckle

I have found many different ways to try to inflict pain on myself over the years. If I physically hurt myself, I found that I could numb all of the pain that I felt on the inside. That is a hard habit to break. I still have days of hunger, and days when I want to drink all of the pain away, though they are fewer and farther between. This week has been particularly difficult with the loss of one of my little friends, and I've found that I use those behaviors to cope with my feelings. Work has also been stressful, but I think that we have a new plan that will help with this child's behavior. If this doesn't work, then we will be sending him to a different classroom that has a safe room built in. Myself and other staff members were getting hit entirely too much, and it has not been a safe situation. Working with this child has made me dread getting up to go to work in the morning, and that is never a good feeling. It had me sinking into another depressive episode. Now that I'm going to be getting more help, and not being left to deal with his aggressive behavior by myself, that has taken a big weight off my shoulders. I should have spoken up before things got so out of hand, but I didn't want people to think that I couldn't do my job, or to think less of me. That is a definite problem that I have. I worry too much about what others will think of me, disregarding my own well being in the process. I will be working on this, along with the other issues that I'm dealing with. Eating has been going better for the most part. I slip here and there, but my protein bar and dinner have been pretty consistant. Breakfast is still a no go. I'm not hungry in the morning, so it makes it difficult to eat. I could probably force down a meal replacement drink, but I have to admit that those extra calories cause me a great deal of anxiety. I'm hoping that once everything in my life settles down a bit, I will be able to push myself more. Today feels brighter, and that is a good feeling.

Angel Boy

He had bright red hair, a smattering of freckles across his nose, and a shy, sweet smile. He was five years old, and in the softest voice he would call me Gigi. He was just the cutest little guy that I had been working with this year, and he passed away. He went home from school yesterday, took a nap, and didn't wake up. He had a seizure disorder, and they think that is what caused his death. I'm sick over it, and heartbroken for his family. I cannot even imagine the pain they are going through. I'm glad that I was able to spend some one on one time with him yesterday. I took him to music class, where he sat on the risers squirming while they sang "We're Going On A Bear Hunt." We walked back to class, singing on the way, his tiny hand holding mine. He will be greatly missed.

Growing And Changing Directions

Here I am, at the age of 44 re-evaluating what I want to be when I grow up. I'm struggling with my job, and to tell you the truth, I'm miserable. On a daily basis I get hit, and I'm tired of all of the anxiety that it brings. It triggers a lot of feelings in me that don't help me in this healing process. Mainly it is the feeling of being trapped in a situation that I can't get out of. It is also both the fear of getting hurt, and the fear of being stuck in a job that for financial and insurance reasons, I'm bound to. My family relies on this job, and that is a lot of pressure in itself. All I know is that something has got to change. I'm not thinking of quitting or anything like that until I have a back up plan, but I am going to start exploring my options. Too bad being a poetess won't pay the bills;-)
Even though I'm struggling with anxiety, I'm still managing to eat. I even strayed from my protein bar for lunch today and packed a sandwich. Mainly it was because I was out of protein bars, but it would have been so easy for me to skip a meal, and I didn't. I see myself improving in so many ways, but I also find myself wanting to speed things along, and break down some of the barriers that are standing in the way of recovery. Oh well...all that I can do is keep plugging along.

A Challenging Weekend

I've finally made it to Friday. It has felt like a really long week at work. I'm still getting hit on a regular basis, which isn't fun, but I'm determined not to let this kid bully me into getting his way, and escaping from the demands placed upon him. I'm definitely ready for this weekend. I'm planning on going out to lunch with a friend on Saturday. I'm looking forward to seeing her, but not the lunch part. I'm used to sticking with my protein bar in the afternoon, so stepping outside of that right now is going to be hard, but I'm going to do it anyway. I think the more difficult part will be not restricting the rest of the day. Yesterday I did eat three times. It wasn't much, but for me, just breaking the rule in my head is important. I'm trying to take my recovery from this relapse day by day, and not get overwhelmed by how far I have to go. I'm going to try to keep on challenging the eating disorder, and even though it brings up feelings of failure, I'm going to work on pushing through those. Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend:)