Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Growing And Changing Directions


Here I am, at the age of 44 re-evaluating what I want to be when I grow up. I'm struggling with my job, and to tell you the truth, I'm miserable. On a daily basis I get hit, and I'm tired of all of the anxiety that it brings. It triggers a lot of feelings in me that don't help me in this healing process. Mainly it is the feeling of being trapped in a situation that I can't get out of. It is also both the fear of getting hurt, and the fear of being stuck in a job that for financial and insurance reasons, I'm bound to. My family relies on this job, and that is a lot of pressure in itself. All I know is that something has got to change. I'm not thinking of quitting or anything like that until I have a back up plan, but I am going to start exploring my options. Too bad being a poetess won't pay the bills;-)
Even though I'm struggling with anxiety, I'm still managing to eat. I even strayed from my protein bar for lunch today and packed a sandwich. Mainly it was because I was out of protein bars, but it would have been so easy for me to skip a meal, and I didn't. I see myself improving in so many ways, but I also find myself wanting to speed things along, and break down some of the barriers that are standing in the way of recovery. Oh well...all that I can do is keep plugging along.


Pblacksaw said...

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I Hate to Weight said...

you are working hard. yay, sandwich. lunch is hard one for me, and i'm eating more too. i do have more energy in the afternoon. do you?

i think it would be pretty debilitating every day to get hit by kids. i'll pray that you find some gentler option!

i really appreciate reading your blog and your comments on mine. it so makes me feel not alone. thank you.

Blue Butterfly said...

We're never too old to evaluate where we stand and decide where we next want to go. And though it's not always easy, to also celebrate how far we've come.


Writing Nag said...

funny that I read this post this morning on my 44th birthday. I just got off the phone with my friend where I was talking about the very same thing, including the part where I said "I'm not going to find a job that pays me to be a poet." this is who I am but poetry/writing won't pay the bills. Thanks for sharing your struggles and anxieties and know that others are feeling the very same way. I too will keep plugging along. Hoping something wonderful opens up for you today.

Paula & Skip said...

You have become truly proactive. Quantumleaps!!!!!

Lee said...

I am so glad to hear you are thinking about this! Until you can find a different kind of job, please talk to Ame and ask for a different placement. You shouldn't be isolated with a violent child right now if ever. There are many other options in the district for you. You need to speak up for yourself!
Love you dearly,

Ruth said...

Hey, you never know, people make money writing all the time! Don't sell yourself short. Maybe try submitting some of your poems to magazines and see if you can get them published? might help you finds appropriate publications. In the meantime I agree with Lee, you should ask to be transferred.

Yay on the sandwich! Every little bit is a step in the right direction. I don't have a link handy but you might want to hop on YouTube sometime and look up "Will's Wisdom". It's a really cool video someone made up with bits of interviews of Will Smith, talking about his philosophy of life. Very inspiring.

Wanda's Wings said...

YES! You had a sandwich instead of skipping a meal. Wow that is such a great big step! Your job sound really rough, I hope you can start looking into options that are not as anxiety producing, It is never to late to make your dreams come true.

les jeune fille à les oiseaux said...

re-evalution, at any age, is healthy and good and should be done. it's those people that don't re-evaluate that suddenly, our of no where, have their lives turn into a chaotic mess. you are preventing that by trying hard to think things through. I think this is good.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the tips! Maybe I'll come back to read more comments here.
DId anyone see Inception. It blew my mind right off… I think I'm still missing a few screws. What a great movie.
I write like mad, every day, and no one visits my blog, that looks similar to yours. What could I be doing wrong?
Would anyone tell a joke about this? I can't stand being depressed like this.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.