Here and Now

I retreat, and often it is unconscious, unintended, and yet my body speaks before I am even aware that I've had enough. I'm physically and emotionally depleted, and the emotions are not negative emotions, but draining, none the less. Dave had an MRI last week, and after dozens of these in the last few years, it should be easy, but it isn't.  No, it isn't... What is strange is that at the time, I seemed to not give it a second thought...just another day...La La La..., and then a week later, Dave texts me that he read the report, and from what he gathers, the brain tumor hasn't grown at all! My heart contracts in my chest, jumps into my throat, and skips a beat.  I text back, trying to be the devil's advocate, suggesting we should wait to hear it from the doctor's mouth before celebrating. I may have held my breath, but I didn't go to that appointment with him for the first time in a long time, because I wanted so much to believe. It was good ne...

I'm finding it interesting as I travel through my time here on earth, how clearly I can make sense of my journey from the grace of distance. Only weeks ago I was paralyzed with fear, unsure of what I had manifested in my life, and worried about the unknown. My husbands neurology appointment was looming, and fear of the unknown state of his health paired with my own fear of being successful left me frozen in my tracks. My first instinct was to withdraw and check out, which I did for awhile, but all that created was more suffering and anxiety. I made a decision to stop a certain behavior that I won't go into here, but it was harmful, and getting in the way of healing. I'm not sure why I turned this particular corner when I did, but it has left me with a beautiful feeling of lightness.  Last week, Dave and I went to his appointment, and it was not the news that we wanted to hear. The radiation he had last year to treat his brain tumor didn't work, and his tumor is...

"The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling." ~Fabienne Fredrickson   This past week has been filled with many emotions, mixed with a dash of craziness, and ending with gratitude. It began Sunday with a bit of crazy. There was some freezing rain here in the evening, and as we were finishing dinner, Dave and I heard a crashing sound. The boys had gone downstairs, and we thought maybe they were goofing around. Dave went and looked out the front door, and someone had crashed their car into my oldest son's car that was parked on the street. Luckily the young man who was driving was not hurt, although both cars are in bad shape. Dave started his radiation Cyber Knife treatments this week, so we were both anxious about how he would be feeling, but so far it is going better than we expected. He has had a lot of nausea, some blurred vision, and dizziness, but nothing compared to what recovering from surgery would be like, so we are th...

    "Suddenly I realize that if I stepped out of my body I would break into blossom."  ~ James Wright   I find it difficult to be here, and as I write, I realize that I'm not only talking about my blog, but almost everywhere. I can't seem to finish a poem lately. The drafts are piling up because I stop writing when I can no longer inhale. I love my job, but sometimes when the kids I work with cry, I want to sit down, wrap my arms around them, and let our tears flow together. Yoga is the one place where I can find some peace of mind, but even there, I have to talk myself through at the beginning. This morning, at the beginning of class, we were all sitting together, eyes closed, and suddenly I couldn't take another breath, and my eyes flew open in a panic. I had to remind myself that I was safe. Flashbacks can come out of nowhere, stealing my breath.   Beauty also steals my breath...moments of pure love. I came home fro...

Unworthy For more than half of a day I felt unfamiliar elation followed by The helpless type of anger that leads to blank staring at inanimate objects until they blur into a sort of cohesiveness that feels safe. The chaos of children, trying to be perfect, the distractions of a mind riddled with thoughts of starving, money, tumors, and autism. Fear of my own incompetence. In my mind I'm still a child longing... Forced to see and do what no child should ever witness Fearing for my life Innocence lost Why do I feel so unworthy of peace? There are arms and voices that comfort my pulsing veins and moment by moment through the fear I see the hope that could be my home. Angela Minard 2009©

We just returned from Dave's doctors appointment, and we have received some good news. The tumor hasn't grown much. We were also waiting on a second opinion about radiation as our next course of treatment, and that is a go, so no surgery for awhile. Luckily the tumor grows slowly, so we have time on our side. Thankfully, all of the prayers, good thoughts, and positive energy must have been heard and answered! We are truly grateful, and so very blessed. I will leave you with a poem that I wrote for Dave awhile back, because, well...I love him so much. For David Hold out your hand and place gently in mine. The feel of our fingers, our souls intertwined. Can you hold on when my spirit drifts away? I promise to come back, I have just lost my way. Reach out and find me. Don't ever let go. We wonder some days, but our love, it still grows. There are those moments. We're weary and worn. Words, they can hurt, leaving hearts feeling torn. Repairs will be made. Cried tears always...

Everyone send your prayers and good thoughts our way. Today is Dave's neurology appointment, and we will know what is going on with his brain tumor, and where we go from here with treatment options. I'm sleepless, worried, and as usual...writing:) Resolutions Wide awake my mind circles and spins and it begins all over again Together we will wait clasping hands and we will wait and take what is thrown our way Questioning the Gods but they are not Gods just men maybe wrong maybe right Holding us by the throat the grip so tight Breathing room walking light no more doom and gloom it is time for trite In this together again we fight Angela Minard 2009©

It has been a long week, and I'm tired. Mostly, I'm tired of fighting the war in my head...the war with ghosts, and food, and fear. The day to day stuff of life is hard to deal with when my head is already so full. My #3 son was bullied after school today. My son is in the 8th grade, and a 9th grader that he doesn't even know started throwing rocks at him. My son asked him to stop, and when he wouldn't, I guess a scuffle ensued, and my son came home with a scraped up face. I will be calling the principle if this continues, but my husband wants to wait and see if it resolves itself, so for now, we won't be stepping in. I was so angry when I saw his face though, let me tell you! Tomorrow is his birthday. He's my Halloween baby. It always feels like it's something around here, but with four boys, I guess, what can I expect? I can never say that life is dull:-) Work is exhausting, as usual, but I do love it, and it's rewarding. I need a lot of breaks from it...

I feel like I'm waiting for the storm to hit. I thought that the waiting and anticipation would be over by this time today, but no such luck. Dave's neurology appointment that was scheduled today had to be rescheduled for next week because his surgeon had an emergency surgery to perform. We found out yesterday, and I was so disappointed. It is so nerve wracking having to wait, and my anxiety is really high. I know that I shouldn't think the worst, but that is always what I have tended to do. I'm afraid of the disappointment, and I figure that if I think of the worst scenario and I don't get my hopes up, then it won't hurt so much if I get bad news. I'm ready to know what we are dealing with, so that we can move on, move forward, and make plans. It is hard. We know that the tumor is growing, thankfully slowly, but it is growing, and because it is touching the brain stem, it cannot at this point be totally removed. He has already gone through two surgeries, a...

I'm feeling a bit lost without my husband nearby. He is off on his annual golf trip with his college buddies, and I really miss him. It is hard for me to get a good night's sleep. I know how important this trip is to him though. He is on full disability, so he is home all of the time, and I'm sure that getting away with his friends helps him to forget about everything for awhile. We are nearing the time for his MRI and neurology appointment. It is less than two weeks away, and I cannot wait! I'm so tired of the fear. I just want to know what we are dealing with, our treatment options, and what we need to do to be proactive. We are talking about going to The Mayo Clinic. I guess that all depends on what we hear at his appointment. Right now, I think that we both feel helpless because we don't have a plan of action. We know that the tumor is growing again, but because it is growing slowly, we haven't been told what we can do yet, and that is really frustrating. I ...

I had my therapy and nutritionist appointments last night, and even though I thought I would be wasting everyone's time, I'm glad that I went. I'm not sure that I processed everything that was said, but it made me feel less alone. I have this new rule in my head that I can only eat one thing everyday. I'm not sure where it came from, but the anxiety over food and eating is really out of control right now. I agonize over that one food item. Right now I have zero appetite, and nothing even sounds appealing. My therapist asked me if I could give a reason why it is so important for me to be thin, and what does thin even mean? All that I could think of was that it means I'm good enough. For what...I don't know. It has everything to do with my self worth, but then again, when I am very thin, I still don't feel like I'm good enough. This is so crazy, and I know it. I don't know how to turn this around when I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack ov...

Nothing But Time Life goes on with nothing new until you say "It's been a dizzy day, I just need to be still." In my dreams I still can hear you screaming in pain and I wonder if the time is now. Now, when this world as I know it, ends. We wait for October and second opinions. Finding comfort in the time we have for doing nothing. Holding the unknown in our idle hands. Angela Minard 2009©

Yesterday we had our family therapy session so that we could talk to the boys about my suicide attempt. Both my therapist and Dave's therapist were there to facilitate the session, and I had a session with my therapist beforehand. I was so nervous, but I think that the session went really well. I think that the kids were mostly worried that they had done something wrong to make me so unhappy with my life. I think that I was able to assure them that the reason that I was sad and in so much pain had nothing to do with them and everything to do with my past and how I felt about myself. It was important that they understand that it was a horrible mistake that I made, and one that I promised them that I would not repeat again. They are really wonderful boys, and I am so blessed and thankful that they are a part of my life...one of the best parts of my life! I am so relieved that the session is over with though. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, which is such a...

I'm trying not to let my mind race too far ahead of itself, but in times of fear, I'm afraid that isn't one of my strengths, although I realize that it does no good. For those of you that don't know, my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor eleven years ago, and has had two craniotomies to try to remove it, but because it is touching the brain stem, they have been unable to remove all of it. This afternoon he had his yearly MRI scan, and it showed that the tumor is growing again. That is not the news that we wanted to hear. His neurosurgeon is going to get a second opinion on a procedure called the gamma knife to see if Dave would be a candidate for that treatment before he has to have another invasive and risky surgery. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that this will be an option. His last surgery was so difficult and we almost lost him. I know that we are both dreading having to go through anything like that ever again. I cannot even imagine my life withou...

I'm home from my gastric emptying study, and feeling very focused and centered at the moment. I ate a small plateful of radioactive scrambled eggs while I was there, and then was x-rayed for 90 minutes while lying prone on an oh-so-comfortable metal exam table. I went into what I think was a meditative semi-awake state, and before I knew it, the back of my hair was an absolute mess! I hope that they figure out what is going on with this body that I'm really working hard at not despising. I see my therapist and nutritionist later this evening. What a fun-filled day! I'm trying to eat as much as my body will comfortably allow, but I get full so quickly, and that feeling of fullness is still very scary. Feelings and emotions... I'm not the only one who runs away. My husband did not want to accept his award this weekend because he was afraid of his emotions. He didn't feel worthy. A man who went through two craniotomies, spinal meningitis, and a deep depression, didn...

This morning our family participated in Head For The Cure , which is a 5k walk/run to benefit brain cancer research. This year my husband was chosen to receive a special award, called the "Keeping The Faith" award, which is an award that recognizes those who are fighting the courageous battle against brain tumors. We were all very excited when we found out that he had been chosen. Head For The Cure has been very important to our family. We have participated every year, and every year, it is one more that we will share with Dave, and one more year in which we know that we have won.

Make a Difference in the Fight Against Cancer! On Sunday, September 7th, I will be participating in an event called Head for the Cure, a 5K run/walk that raises money for the Chris Anthony Brain Tumor Research Fund and Solace House. The Chris Anthony Brain Tumor Research Fund seeks to improve the outlook for adults and children with brain tumors through research. The Solace House is a center for grieving children and their families. My race to the finish line will be inspired by your generous donations to these worthy charities. Save a Life, Make a Pledge There are approximately 190,000 people diagnosed with a brain tumor in the United States each year and there are more than 120 types of brain tumors, which makes treatment complicated. The proceeds from this event will help fund much needed research into brain tumor causes and treatment. Additionally, it will help improve the quality of life for individuals living with a brain tumor today. Head For The Cure was started in honor of Chr...

The hummingbird holds a special meaning for my husband and I, so in honor of him, and also, because it is Father's Day, I thought that I would share this story. Twelve years ago, my husband was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor called an astrocytoma. Although benign, the tumor is touching his brainstem, making total removal, as of yet, unsuccessful. He has had two craniotomies to remove what they can, and surgeons have said that they will be unable to perform a third. Radiation treatment is the next treatment option. Fortunately this type of tumor is slow growing. When Dave was in the hospital, after his second surgery, drugged up on morphine and in horrible pain, he awoke from a restless sleep, calling out for me. He asked me if I had seen the hummingbird that had been flying around the room. I told him no, that I had been asleep. Excitedly, he described his vision of a hummingbird, filling the room with beautiful colors. The brightest most brilliant colors he had ever seen. He...