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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Good Enough

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I had my therapy and nutritionist appointments last night, and even though I thought I would be wasting everyone's time, I'm glad that I went. I'm not sure that I processed everything that was said, but it made me feel less alone. I have this new rule in my head that I can only eat one thing everyday. I'm not sure where it came from, but the anxiety over food and eating is really out of control right now. I agonize over that one food item. Right now I have zero appetite, and nothing even sounds appealing. My therapist asked me if I could give a reason why it is so important for me to be thin, and what does thin even mean? All that I could think of was that it means I'm good enough. For what...I don't know. It has everything to do with my self worth, but then again, when I am very thin, I still don't feel like I'm good enough. This is so crazy, and I know it. I don't know how to turn this around when I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack over eating. The restricting is giving me the illusion of safety and security, and I feel like if I don't restrict, then something bad is going to happen.
Work is going well, and I really like the people that I'm working with. We do have a very aggressive student, which has been very stressful. Getting hit and kicked is an everyday occurrence. His last day will be on Friday though, so that will ease a lot of the tension in the classroom. He is being transferred over to a more appropriate environment where the safety of other students won't be compromised. I'm not sure if this is what triggered my relapse. I do think that proving that I could work with this student had something to do with it. I'm always so worried about what other people think of me, and I felt like people were watching my every move to make sure that I was following his behavior plan to the letter. Maybe now that I have proven that I'm capable, I can put less pressure on myself. I'm also worried about my husband's brain tumor. It has started to grow again, and of course, I have no control over what is going to happen. I'm terrified of losing him, and of being alone to finish raising our four sons. I know that restricting what I eat helps to numb all of those scary feelings. That is why it is so hard to let it go.

6 Comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

You have so much going on that you have no control of. It is scary. You try to control something, which happens to be food. Try to take care of yourself. You are worth it!

Robin said...

Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. I have never quite mastered it...
You have a lot going on... be gentle with yourself. One moment at a time.

Ann said...

Just stopping by to wish you well. What Wanda's Wings said is so true. My daughter went through a period where she was the total opposite, she would eat non stop. I thought it was just a really bad phase she was going through. Turned out she was being molested by my neighbor. A rape crisis counselor told me that it was very common. Food was the one thing she was able to control in her life, and that was her way of taking control.
Hang in there and have a relaxing weekend.

Carlton Ford said...
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Jane Doe said...

Wow. Talk about stress. I can only imagine what you are going through right now. I wish I had a magic wand and I could just wave away all of your pain.

PJ said...

((((((((((angela))))))))))

that's a big cyber hug from me to you. i am going to try and get caught up here in the blogosphere, so i will be back. much love to you my friend!