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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Endless Circles

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I'm disconnected, and not thinking clearly, from lack of food most likely. My head aches, and I'm so very tired. Forgive me if this post goes nowhere, and is all over the place. These are the thoughts in my head~ I'm a failure. All that I do is take up space in this world. I'm selfish. I'm shallow...On and on it goes, until I'm dizzy with self hatred. Will it matter if I can fit into all of the unworn jeans hanging in my closet when I am dead from this disease? I'm losing weight, but it's not enough. Never enough. At the same time, I'm too much and never enough. Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel so lonely, and yet I want everyone to leave me alone. I want someone to rescue me, and yet I realize that I can only save myself. I feel too tired to save myself. How can I save someone that I can barely stand? All questions and no answers. I never seem to have the answers, and in the end, this is all that I deserve. I have therapy tomorrow, and right now, all that I'm doing is wasting everyone's time.

13 Comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

Angela,
You are struggling right now, but that doesn't mean you are a failure. Remember those that care for you. Try to eat. I know that will be hard for you, but you are killing yourself. You are worth far too much for that. You are more than a pair of jeans. You said so yourself. Listen to your professional. You are putting yourself in danger. Please know you are cared about and you are worth what it takes to heal.

Jennifer said...

I am sorry that you are struggling.

Anonymous said...

You are a precious, beautiful soul traveling through. You are a wonderful mother, gifted interpreter and teacher of children with autism, and an amazing poet and inspiration to those whose voices are stifled and hear your truth. You are so much more than those jeans hanging in the closet. Look inside and see that your body carries a beautiful soul with a mission for this earthly experience. Just let this negative thinking go and rest assured that you are worth saving.
You are not wasting anyone's time. You are desperately needed and so valuable to so many people. You can do this. Hold on.
Lee

clean and crazy said...

i know when i am in this space, the one that you are in, nothing seems to get through to me. i am not sure what piece of advice i can give you that you haven't already heard or read. you are a mother of four sons. they need you. they need you to be strong and be here for grand babies, broken hearts, marriage and life.

if you can't think for yourself right now, think about them, and don't sit on your pity pot thinking they would be better off without you. that is a lie, you and i both know it.

for me i feel lucky to have my babies, they really are what gets me out of my funks, that are very much like this one, and then i can get back on track and take care of myself. so cry, scream, yell, break something but get on with it, because life is too short sister and your inner demons are wanting you to miss out on all that your precious life has to offer. you are better than this, you are stronger than this and you can get through what ever this is.
please share what ever it is with whom ever you need too and then eat. you are in my prayers, prayers for strength and willingness that you should have in order to get through this. take care of you. C&C

did you try protein shakes? your right about one thing if you don't eat soon you will go insane, it is like taking that first drug huh.

Ann said...

Angela I don't have the eating disorder that you do but I do have problems with self esteem so I know what it's like to go through the self hatred. I often feel totally worthless and like I'm a waste of human flesh. Like nothing I do is right and that everything bad that happens to me I deserve because my mind tells me that I'm not worthy of life, love or happiness. I know I'm the only one that can change how I feel yet I'm so lost and lonely I feel unable to help myself. I wish that I had some miracle cure that I could share with you to bring sunshine and happiness into your life. My heart goes out to you. Find the little glimmer of hope deep inside and hold on my friend because you are worth it.

Shinade aka Jackie said...

Angela, it seems that everyone has already said my thoughts for me.

You know I too struggle with an eating disorder and suicide has been attempted 3 times in my life.

All while on anti-depressants. They finally determined that I cannot take anti-depressants and it is all over my medical records to not prescribe!!

But, I will never forget the look on my husband and daughter's face when I awoke from my most serious and almost fatal over dose.

I was in a coma for 26 hours on full life support. The DR.'S gave me a 50.50 chance and were pretty sure if I did wake up I would have some brain damage.

Well, the brain damage part can certainly be argued because obviously I still have some issues.

But, after I saw them, the anguish and the heart break I out them through...well it was worse than anything I have ever gone through in my life...EVER!!

I know I love you and coming by here helps me keep myself in check. So useless you are not!!

I am almost sure that I have you blog rolled but I am doing a double check today to make sure.

Soon I will no longer be with EC and I don;t want to lose touch with you!!

Please know you have become very important to me and I only know through blogging!!

I can just imagine how very special you are to your family and your real life friends!!

I am probably the most down right now too!!

I am making changes and unsure about what will happen. Will you still come visit me? will anyone still come visit me? I don't know. But, I do know that my world would be changed without you in it!!

Love and hugs always and ever!!

Angel said...

Of course I will still come visit you Jackie. I need to add you to my links.

I want to thank everyone for their comments and concern. I'm not giving up, just struggling. Today has been a better day.

earthtoholly said...

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better, Angela. Hang in there. It appears from your comments that you have a lot of friends here who support you...

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clean and crazy said...

i have left you an award on my blog, stop by and check it out.