45’s Hellish 4+ years= Anxiety

I wrote a post here about the recent presidential election. I composed it before we knew the outcome, and was so anxious, which is often when I write. I never published it. I knew things were going to be bad, but never dreamed the insurrection on January 6th would be one of the outcomes of 45’s hellish 4 years in office. I actually think the day he was sworn in is when my anxiety started to spiral. I started to feel increasingly unsafe, and I’m guessing that many trauma survivors would agree. Hell, not only trauma survivors, but minorities in general. 

Last year at the beginning of the pandemic, the anxiety that I’ve always struggled with ramped up to disproportionately high levels. I had a horrible panic attack and dissociative episode that landed me in the hospital. I had been off of all psychiatric medications for at least 7 years, but made the choice to resume an antidepressant. It did help the depression, but my anxiety was still fairly high, so with my treatment team, we started exploring some different anti-anxiety meds. It was challenging to find one that didn’t leave me with detrimental side effects. A month ago I tried Gabapentin, which is used to treat everything ranging from seizures and nerve pain, as well as anxiety. I became increasingly agitated while on it, with racing thoughts which then turned into constant suicidal ideation. I made a stupid Facebook post about saying goodbye or leaving Facebook which subsequently made someone call the police for a wellness check. I was too afraid to tell anyone what was going on, so even though I hated that I blasted it on social media, I was in the planning stages of suicide. I’m grateful that it was caught, and had no idea that suicidal ideation was a possible side effect. The fallout from this has sky rocketed the anxiety, but I’m determined to climb my way back to health. I didn’t beat an eating disorder to succumb to the anxiety monster. I’m trying some homeopathic options for anxiety thanks to a dear friend who is a nutritionist, and hopefully now that people are being vaccinated life will begin to return to homeostasis. I even heard that Kansas is beginning to lift the mask mandate, which is encouraging. 

There are also some issues that I’m really going to focus on in the upcoming months, and one is on being a better communicator. I tend to bottle everything up and then eventually lash out in unhealthy ways. It alienates the people I love, and is basically self sabotage. I also want to work on acceptance instead of allowing my traumatic past to rule my life. I have overcome many adversities, and know I am more than strong enough! There is hope in my life and hope in the world despite the social and political unrest, and when I’m feeling stronger I want to be more of an advocate for change. Baby steps...

Now

Now

I've done this assignment before...

How far have you come?

I can see from there to here

truly, I can

but...

does it even matter?

I suppose I'm confused...

if I'm focused on the present moment

"now" is the ultimate goal
but...

This is "now"

Now is being afraid of my mind

the maze of memories that turns today into a mystery

feeling consummately alone

contemplating death

solely not to bring anyone with me

into my living hell

Now is everything

or nothing

depending on my sanity at any given moment

I could go further

be more

Oh, I want, I want...

now

to be quieter

less ashamed

less like there

but I do not know how

to find

now

Angela Minard 2014 ©

Artwork by ~ Fuyuko Matsui  "In The Realm Of Hell"

The Big Picture

“Many survivors struggle with anxiety attacks. Anxiety is what you experience when you’re overwhelmed by your emotions, your memories, or when something in your environment reminds you of old feelings of terror or of being trapped. You may actually be reliving what you experienced as a child or you may be trying to push feelings and memories away.” Courage to Heal Workbook by Laura Davis

Saturdays are a wondrous, glorious thing, especially after a long first week back at work. I've been struggling a bit here, doing great a bit there, so all around, when I look at the big picture, I'm really okay. My anxiety level has been high, partly due to an aggressive student, and partly because I have a new fear about driving. I've always tended to have panic attacks in the car because it makes me feel trapped and out of control. I've been afraid that other people are going to hit me, or I'm going to swerve into oncoming traffic. I think a lot of it is because at work, there is the constant fear that I'm going to be hit or have things thrown at me. My adrenaline is pumping as soon as I get up in the morning. The other thing that is making me crazy is that I feel hungry all of the time. From the time that I get up until I collapse at the end of the day, I feel like I'm in constant motion. I'm exerting a lot of energy at work, I eat a protein bar on the way to my second school, and then I go straight to yoga. I need more food in my day, and I'm scared to add it, but to function, I have to. I saw my nutritionist on Thursday. We talked about how great it is that I'm feeling the hunger instead of ignoring it. Actually, she said it is awesome, but it doesn't feel awesome at all. It is scary! I'm afraid that I will become a bottomless pit, greedy and starving all of the time. I've decided that I will pack more snacks in my purse. I don't really have much time to sit down and eat them, but I will just try to fit them in when I can, which means that I may have to eat in front of other people. My nutritionist rarely weighs me anymore, but this time she had me get on the scale. I never ask the number, but only if I've gained or lost. She said I had lost, and really stressed that I need to increase my intake due to my activity level. I'm going to do it because the constant hunger is a horrible feeling. It makes me wonder how I ever did this, and of course part of me thinks that I'm just not as good at being anorexic as I used to be. Last night I ate most of a hamburger that my husband had grilled, and it was actually a relief to have the hunger gone. I've come a long way from not even recognizing when I was hungry. It is one more step in the right direction.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

I'm overwhelmed, and when I get this way, I tend to spin my wheels, not getting much of anything accomplished. I have a test to take at work on Wednesday, and I've been trying to study for it, but it seems like my brain is made of mush. I can't seem to retain or memorize any of the terms that I need to know, and it has me near tears and feeling very inadequate. I'm getting all worked up and sick over it, which is ridiculous. I never was a very good student, and I've also never considered myself to be all that smart. I get by, and that is about it. It is frustrating because I know the material and how to implement it with a student, but when it comes to putting it on paper, I'm afraid all of the information is going to get mixed up in my brain. It seems there is always something to put me in a tail spin. Sometimes as grateful as I am for everything that I have, I'm really tired of being me.

Shedding The Old Skin

I feel like I'm a snake, shedding its skin, and everything feels strange and new. It doesn't quite fit yet, and I'm attempting to settle into my new home. I've had some sad, down in my gut wrenching moments this week. I had therapy on Wednesday, and I went in there feeling out of sorts, unsure of what was causing me the pain that I had been feeling since Sunday. We talked through my week, and I realized that sometimes I feel cheated because my family is so far away. I missed being with my mom on Mother's Day, and really wished she had come for a quick visit. There is an empty space that sometimes needs to be filled by being around the people who have known you all of your life...Who still love in you in spite of your faults, and understand how you have come to be the person that you are. I have my husband and my boys, but because my mom and I shared a closeness, and literally grew up together in many ways, that bond is impossible to replace with anything or anyone else. Once I could pinpoint the reason for my sense of loss, I could slowly release the burden that had been weighing on my heart.
This work week has also been hectic. I've been observing and taking data on some elementary kiddos who are having behavioral issues, on top of working with my regular autism students. I'm overwhelmed with things that I have to do this weekend. I have an end of the year test on nine of the autism modules we have studied this year, I need to write my son a graduation letter, and I also need to write a letter of recommendation for a co-worker. I have a wedding and reception to attend today, so that cuts into my study time. I'm also not a good test taker because I get so anxious, so all of this is weighing on my mind. All that I ask is to get through the last week of this school year in one piece. I will be relieved when I get everything done! I'm going to go and get ready for that wedding now, but I'm wishing all of you a wonderful weekend:)

Freedom

I had a psychiatrist appointment this morning, and I told her about my problems with sleep, the racing thoughts, and the anxiety. I think the anxiety coincides with the racing thoughts. My mind gets stuck on a loop of past mistakes, or stupid little things that I've done or said, and I tend to replay them over and over again, until the anxiety builds up, and I walk around feeling like a horrible person. My psychiatrist changed the dosages on my medications and hopefully that will help. I hate having to rely on medication, but I'm facing the fact that I will probably be on them for a long time, if not the rest of my life. *SIGH* Half of my week is going to be spent seeing my treatment team. Tomorrow is therapy and Thursday is my nutritionist. I think that I've done better with food in the past few days. I ate what everyone else was eating for dinner a couple of nights ago, and I ate breakfast this morning. I get full so easily though because my stomach has shrunk due to the lack of food. I can barely stand the feeling of being full, so I really try to avoid it. I've been reading a lot of eating disorder books lately, trying to find answers for myself, and I often get overwhelmed with how far I have to go. It does help to read about the recovery journey's that other people have taken. I'm also inspired by many of the recovery blogs that I visit. I know that there is hope for me, and even when I feel like giving up, there is always an inner voice that whispers, "You can do it." The eating disorder is so loud that sometimes I can't hear it very well, but still I have faith that it is deep inside of me, hanging on tightly. I know that I hold on to the fear as if my life depended on it, and if I could only let go, I would see that there is freedom for me.

Trapped

I've been feeling claustrophobic for the past couple of days. I know that must sound strange, but it is as if I'm trapped inside of myself, and I would like nothing more than to get away. I want to stay present, but there is the pull of wanting some way to numb myself. I promised my therapist that I would not drink at all this month because January is such a hard month for me. I do think it is better if I stay away from alcohol while I'm struggling and feeling the way I do. I'm back to work now, and I needed to get back to my routine, but the time off was much needed. I don't do as well with food when I'm working though. I didn't have much to eat yesterday, and I also skipped dinner. My thoughts were racing around in my head, I felt overwhelmed, and eating seemed like one more thing to make me anxious about. I know that is my #1 way to numb myself. I wish it didn't work so well. My therapist says that I too easily take on the problems of others, on top of my own. I have a friend who is struggling right now, and I want to be there for her to confide in, but I tend to take on others pain as if it were my own. Another thing that is weighing on my mind is that I just found out that one of the girls that I was in treatment with died from anorexia. She was so young, and it is heartbreaking. It also scares me because I know the amount of harm that I have done, and am still doing to my body. Hopefully it will scare me enough to let go of all my eating disordered behaviors.

Growing And Changing Directions

Here I am, at the age of 44 re-evaluating what I want to be when I grow up. I'm struggling with my job, and to tell you the truth, I'm miserable. On a daily basis I get hit, and I'm tired of all of the anxiety that it brings. It triggers a lot of feelings in me that don't help me in this healing process. Mainly it is the feeling of being trapped in a situation that I can't get out of. It is also both the fear of getting hurt, and the fear of being stuck in a job that for financial and insurance reasons, I'm bound to. My family relies on this job, and that is a lot of pressure in itself. All I know is that something has got to change. I'm not thinking of quitting or anything like that until I have a back up plan, but I am going to start exploring my options. Too bad being a poetess won't pay the bills;-)
Even though I'm struggling with anxiety, I'm still managing to eat. I even strayed from my protein bar for lunch today and packed a sandwich. Mainly it was because I was out of protein bars, but it would have been so easy for me to skip a meal, and I didn't. I see myself improving in so many ways, but I also find myself wanting to speed things along, and break down some of the barriers that are standing in the way of recovery. Oh well...all that I can do is keep plugging along.

Out Of The Darkness

I'm feeling a bit lost without my husband nearby. He is off on his annual golf trip with his college buddies, and I really miss him. It is hard for me to get a good night's sleep. I know how important this trip is to him though. He is on full disability, so he is home all of the time, and I'm sure that getting away with his friends helps him to forget about everything for awhile. We are nearing the time for his MRI and neurology appointment. It is less than two weeks away, and I cannot wait! I'm so tired of the fear. I just want to know what we are dealing with, our treatment options, and what we need to do to be proactive. We are talking about going to The Mayo Clinic. I guess that all depends on what we hear at his appointment. Right now, I think that we both feel helpless because we don't have a plan of action. We know that the tumor is growing again, but because it is growing slowly, we haven't been told what we can do yet, and that is really frustrating. I didn't go to Dave's last appointment, so I didn't get to ask questions. This time, I'm going, and believe me, I WILL be asking questions!
So, while Dave is away, I've made some plans to hang out with friends and keep myself busy this weekend. Tonight I'm meeting friends for happy hour, and then tomorrow I'm spending the day with my best friend that I've known since 7th grade. We are going to check out the Andy Warhol exhibit at Union Station. I'm also supposed to meet some friends Saturday night to hear this band called Cherry Bomb play. I'll just be the gal about town:)
I have to say that I'm feeling pretty good. In many ways, things about my eating disorder have changed, so I'm taking note: It used to make me feel more in control, but now when I use those behaviors, I actually feel more anxious and out of control. I fear the behaviors and what I'm doing to my body. I care now, and that is a big difference. That in itself feels like such a HUGE thing. Wow, I'm beginning to care about myself. Maybe in some ways, this relapse has been a blessing in disguise. I want to believe that once again, I'm moving out of the darkness.

Working Hard

I often find myself clenching my teeth together throughout the day, and my jaws have been aching. I think it is mostly from stress and anxiety at work. My days seem to be getting better though. The student that I'm working with has shown some mild improvements, so hopefully the positive behavior supports are starting to work. He still wears me out! I had a nice compliment from a co-worker today. She said that she was impressed by how patient I am, and that made me feel really good because he is trying to wear me down, and I don't always feel so patient. It helps that I have been trying to eat more. I don't feel as depressed and hopeless as I was feeling a few weeks ago. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and I'm back on all of my medications, so I'm sure that will also help with the depression and anxiety. I think that there is a part of me that is so scared to get better and let go of the eating disorder. What if I can't cope without it is what I think to myself. It's been my safety net for so long. I'm also constantly worried about losing my husband. He is my most important safe place, and I rely on him for so many things. I feel like the eating disorder is a shield from all of that pain. I know that I need to find other ways to cope. The problem is that I know that the ED works. My therapist is always telling me that it is a choice, and that I can always choose to go back to it if I feel like other coping skills aren't working. I'm sure that her theory is that once I actually find other coping skills, I won't need the ED anymore. I'm going to work on treating myself with more kindness. I tend to tell myself that I don't deserve to take care of myself, and that I don't even deserve to live. I try to avoid the very fact that this eating disorder is a slow form of suicide, but it is, and I honestly don't want to die and leave all of the people that I love. Of course, I can also beat myself up over how selfish I am. At times my self loathing feels like a vicious cycle, and I can easily get defeated.

I'm working on it. I'm working hard.

Work Stress

I've been feeling really down and anxious lately, and I'm beginning to wonder if my medication is even working. The anxiety is getting bad, and I have had a few panic attacks in the last week. I know that it mostly has to do with stress at work. At the school that I work at in the morning, I was basically accused of not doing my job. A para that I work with has been saying things that are so untrue, but I was still called into a meeting with two of my supervisors over it. They want to make sure that I'm being a team player. It has really upset me, and makes working at that school very uncomfortable. I don't even know if my supervisors believe it or not, but even the thought that they do causes me so much anxiety. I've never been accused of not doing my job before! Working with adults can be so much more difficult than working with kids with special needs. It's ridiculous really that people can be so petty and mean. I guess it also bothers me to know that someone doesn't like me. I know that not everyone is going to like me, but I try so hard, and I've never done anything that I can think of to make this woman not like me. I know that I shouldn't let things like this get to me so much. Needless to say, this has caused me to feel very anxious. I'm counting down the weeks until the school year is over and summer break is here. I also have to remember that I'm there for the kids, and that is what is ultimately important. Other than that, everything else is good. I'm doing better with food, and even with the stress, I've been able to eat and stay on track. I've only purged once in the past week, and I'm trying so hard not to let the eating disordered thoughts creep in. I think that is the hardest part. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there really was such a thing as recovery?

Trying To Get To The Other Side

I'm really feeling overwhemled with anxiety right now, and I'm not quite sure why. I've been feeling so good and proud about how I've been doing lately, but today isn't going so well. I think that when I'm eating and doing better with food, the feelings seem like too much to handle, and that is when I always seem to fall. Tonight Dave isn't home, and that isn't helping. Maybe I rely on him too much, but I feel lost and afraid when he isn't around. I hate how my emotions are all over the place, and I cannot even name the feelings that I'm having. It just comes out as a tremendous discomfort that feels hard to sit with, and I feel like crawling out of my skin. In therapy we talk about how eating and purging is a choice, and I know that it is. I know that it is my coping skill of choice, and maybe I'm feeling angry about having to give it up. I want to, but I'm also so terrified. I let go a little, and then I have to swim back to safety. I get so tired of myself and all of my fears. I just called my therapist this morning to tell her how well that I did over the weekend, and now I feel like I'm falling apart. I know that I'm not though. I'm just trying to write myself through this anxiety so that I can get to the other side. At least I know that there is another side. I've been there.

Understanding Anger

I have been feeling a lot of sadness and anger lately, and not sure where it was coming from. My therapist helped me with guided imagery at our last session, and it really helped me to see who my anger was directed at all of this time. She had me close my eyes and describe what my anger looked like. I said that it looked like a humongous, grey, sludge-like pulsing mass. Then she asked me whose face I saw when I looked at it. I said that I saw my own face. She then told me to pull myself out of the sludge. When I did this, I could very clearly see the two faces of my rapists, and behind them, my father was left. She then said that all of this time, those were the people who hid behind me, and let me take the blame, and so I took all of that anger out on myself. When I would say that I felt fat, that was really me saying how angry I was, and that was ultimately what the suicide attempt was about... my own self loathing and anger at myself.
Now that I don't have the eating disorder to help mask all of these emotions, they are rising to the surface, and can be very overwhelming. That is one of the reasons I had a panic attack on the day of the suicide attempt. All of that really made so much sense to me, and just knowing where the anger was coming from and who I needed to direct the anger at helped me to understand my own feelings. Now the anger doesn't seem so big somehow, and that is a huge relief.

A Child's Rage

I'm drowning
in painful sorrow and rage
Choking on the bitter bile of hate
My lungs closed tight with fear
Why couldn't I be saved
by my father right upstairs?
Why couldn't my mother
know that I was scared?
Why couldn't God
hear my prayers?
Childish thoughts
left hanging in the air
The blame and shame
I took on as my own
and now that I am grown,
the anger tries to hide
behind the shadow of a little girl
and I took it out on her
I just wanted her to die

Angela Minard 2009©

Feeling Safe

Today has not been bad for a Monday. I woke up this morning without feeling anxious, and that was a very nice change. I think my medication is starting to kick in, and the exercise has also really been helping. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good! The only thing that has been a problem has been not eating all of my meal plan. It is hard because I feel like I can't eat that much food, and I still feel like I need to lose weight. I always feel like I need to lose weight though. It is such a battle in my mind, but one I won't give up trying to fight. I think that I may have my nutritionist weigh me on Wednesday and see what she thinks. She wanted to weigh me at my last appointment to see if we needed to keep the meal plan the same, but I couldn't do it. Being weighed causes me so much anxiety, and right now, part of my reasoning is that I feel too fat to let anyone know what my weight is. I think that I would also be crushed if she told me that she thought that I could stand to lose some weight. I don't even want to know what it is. Such a dilemma. I drive myself crazy! Part of me wants to let it go, and the other part wants to hold on for dear life. I know that one of the reasons that I'm feeling good right now is because I'm controlling my food intake so tightly, and that feels safe. I'm not sure in what direction I want to go.

Overcoming Depression

(Wow, I cannot believe that this is my 400th post! I'm just a writing fool:)

I'm so glad that this is a short work week. I need it after last Thursdays run in with an aggressive student that I work with. He kicked me really hard in the thigh a few times, and then he knocked my legs out from under me, and I fell and hurt my back. I'm still very sore, but I managed to walk on the treadmill when I came home from work today. I'm determined to do whatever I can to overcome this depression and anxiety that I've been feeling, and the walking does seem to help.
Lately I have had this strange homesick feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if I'm missing someone or on the verge of losing someone, but I can't put my finger on what or who it is that I'm missing. It is just a vague feeling that I'm far away from home. I feel the need to cling tightly to my husband, and feel somewhat afraid and anxious when I'm away from him. I'm not sure what all of that is about, but tomorrow I see my therapist, so maybe she can help me to figure out what is going on. I think that part of the problem is that I went off of my anti-anxiety medication for awhile. I wanted to be med free, but I can't be...at least, not right now, so I'm back on them, but they haven't quite kicked in yet. Maybe that is the reason for the random fears and phobias. I have promised myself that this will be the absolute last time that I quit taking my medication like that! I wanted to save us some money, but it's not worth it in the long run. I think that so often, I don't feel like I'm worth taking care of, but I'm trying so hard to turn that way of thinking around. It doesn't come naturally, but I'm making changes and taking positive steps to move forward, and that does feel good.

Sometimes I Win

Last night, I was afraid...afraid to feel, to be alone, with only the negative voice in my head to contend with. I won though...that voice did not win. After I dropped the boys off at football practice, I used every tool that I could think of, not to do something damaging and self destructive. I came home, I wrote out my feelings, and as I was writing, my mom called on the phone. It was wonderful to hear her voice, and know that she arrived home safely. I also decided to call my best friend who I hadn't talked to in a while, and we made plans to get together this weekend. I was still feeling a bit anxious, so I put in my headphones, listened to some music, and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Even though I had already walked earlier, I felt it was the least destructive out of some of the other activities that I could have picked. I felt so much better after that, picked up the boys, and by that time, Dave was home, and I had made it through my anxiety. Yesterday, I was going to paint, but I couldn't find the paint that I wanted to use. My mom told me where it was, so today, that is what I'm going to do. That is one thing about my mom coming to visit. She organizes my house so well, that I have to call her to tell me where she put everything! I love you, mom<3>

A Mental Health Day

I'm trying to feel better about everything , including the fact that I threw out the clothes that no longer fit my new, curvier figure. I've been sticking very close to my meal plan, which has been easier with my mom here visiting, but at the moment, I'm feeling very uncomfortable in my body. Claudia has been screaming at me ever since I threw away my child size jeans. She pleaded with me to try them on, so that she could rub my nose in the failure, but I refuse to listen this time. An adult woman in her 40's should not be wearing children's clothing.
Yesterday was a mental health day for me. I saw my psychiatrist about medication, along with a small lecture about my experiment with a complete med vacation. She started me on an anti-depressant along with my medication for the anxiety, so hopefully that will help lift me out of the depression. I've definitely learned my lesson when it comes to stopping medication "cold turkey." I also saw my therapist and nutritionist yesterday. It helped to talk to them about the feelings I had over cleaning out my closet, and the horrible feeling associated with my body. I'm constantly trying to find ways to leave this body. How do I find comfort and home within my own skin? The lyrics to a Sarah McLachlan song keep playing in my mind, and it is a good description of how I'm feeling.

Full Of Grace

"It's just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness
I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you
much better than this
Full of grace."

The Evil Caterpillar

Before the Carnage


I'm having quite a bit of anxiety over our backyard. Our house backs up to a greenway that is seperated by a small creek, and beyond that creek, another subdivision. It used to feel very private behind our house until a giant Caterpillar came through, eating everything in it's path to make room for a bike/hiking trail. Now I feel wide opened and exposed. I hate it! People keep walking through our yard to check it out, and it is surprisingly upsetting to me. I'm afraid when it is dark, and I put our dog out on her leash, that someone is going to jump out at me. It just feels really spooky. I hope that we will be able to get a fence soon, although I know that if someone was going to be evil, they could do it with or without a fence. My world feels unsafe at the moment...

After:(

A Calm And Peaceful Place

It is 4:00 a.m., and I am mentally tired of being me. I cannot seem to find a calm and peaceful place, at least not for longer than a moment. Sleep comes and goes, but mostly I run on nervous energy, filled with unexplainable fears that turn my mind over and over until all that I want to do is cower into a dark corner and disappear. I had what I thought was a panic attack on the school bus at work on Monday afternoon. My heart began to race, and the bus felt as if it was moving at three times its speed. Everything was so loud, and racing by so fast. I literally wanted to crawl under the seat of the bus. What would the students have thought of that? This lady is in charge of us? Great! I just kept taking slow, deep breaths, and holding on to the serenity charm that my therapist gave me. When I called to tell her about it, she said that it sounded more like a manic episode than a panic attack. My meds are being adjusted right now, and all I want is to be normal, whatever that is! She thinks that I may be a little bi-polar. Is there such a thing as a little bi-polar? My list of craziness is growing~ ptsd, depression, bouts of ocd, anorexia, dissociation, panic attacks, and now, manic episodes which could indicate that I'm bi-polar...Jeesh!

My husband just came downstairs to check on me because he is worried, but his worry feels more like anger. It all just makes me feel so guilty for putting him through all of this, and if I could control it, I would. Anyway, that is my crazy morning rant for the day. I would still rather be this way than depressed and sleeping all of the time. Really, all I want is to be calm and steady, without the racing thoughts, but to still have energy. Writing seems to be the only way to sort out what goes on in my mind. Of course without the writing, my house would probably be spotless like it used to be! Oh well... Time to get ready for work.
On that upbeat note...

Hope everyone has a wonderful day:)