I have been feeling a lot of sadness and anger lately, and not sure where it was coming from. My therapist helped me with guided imagery at our last session, and it really helped me to see who my anger was directed at all of this time. She had me close my eyes and describe what my anger looked like. I said that it looked like a humongous, grey, sludge-like pulsing mass. Then she asked me whose face I saw when I looked at it. I said that I saw my own face. She then told me to pull myself out of the sludge. When I did this, I could very clearly see the two faces of my rapists, and behind them, my father was left. She then said that all of this time, those were the people who hid behind me, and let me take the blame, and so I took all of that anger out on myself. When I would say that I felt fat, that was really me saying how angry I was, and that was ultimately what the suicide attempt was about... my own self loathing and anger at myself.
Now that I don't have the eating disorder to help mask all of these emotions, they are rising to the surface, and can be very overwhelming. That is one of the reasons I had a panic attack on the day of the suicide attempt. All of that really made so much sense to me, and just knowing where the anger was coming from and who I needed to direct the anger at helped me to understand my own feelings. Now the anger doesn't seem so big somehow, and that is a huge relief.
A Child's Rage
I'm drowning
in painful sorrow and rage
Choking on the bitter bile of hate
My lungs closed tight with fear
Why couldn't I be saved
by my father right upstairs?
Why couldn't my mother
know that I was scared?
Why couldn't God
hear my prayers?
Childish thoughts
left hanging in the air
The blame and shame
I took on as my own
and now that I am grown,
the anger tries to hide
behind the shadow of a little girl
and I took it out on her
I just wanted her to die
Now that I don't have the eating disorder to help mask all of these emotions, they are rising to the surface, and can be very overwhelming. That is one of the reasons I had a panic attack on the day of the suicide attempt. All of that really made so much sense to me, and just knowing where the anger was coming from and who I needed to direct the anger at helped me to understand my own feelings. Now the anger doesn't seem so big somehow, and that is a huge relief.
A Child's Rage
I'm drowning
in painful sorrow and rage
Choking on the bitter bile of hate
My lungs closed tight with fear
Why couldn't I be saved
by my father right upstairs?
Why couldn't my mother
know that I was scared?
Why couldn't God
hear my prayers?
Childish thoughts
left hanging in the air
The blame and shame
I took on as my own
and now that I am grown,
the anger tries to hide
behind the shadow of a little girl
and I took it out on her
I just wanted her to die
Angela Minard 2009©
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8 Comments:
That's a big step. It took me years and years to face being able to express my anger toward my abusers and my parents.
Once I did I was finally on the road to truly getting better!!
I still struggle. But, I no longer harm myself. I know they were wrong and that my anger was a righteous anger.
From there after a great deal more time I was finally able to forgive.
You are in my thoughts!
Sending you kindness, tenderness and love!:-)
I can feel all your emotions in this poem. I am at a loss for words right now. How I wish I can just hold your hand or hug you and assure you that everything is going to be okay.
Much Love,
Bing (",)
When my uncle raped me, my father walked in and beat him up. Then he threw him back in his room that he shared with my little brother. After he came back into the room, he held me and said "why did you let him do it baby?"
You really hit a spot with this post and I am grateful to hear you are learning to work through it. I spent years getting high trying to hide from the pain. In recovery today I have been blessed with the gift of honesty and humility and being able to look at those hard things and really, for the first time, learn to let them go. Thanks for your lovely post, I have left an award for you on my blog, you can come by and check it out.
I've been reading through your journal for a little while. I'm sorry for everything you've been through (and continue to go through) but I'm glad to see you have support and encouragement. And strength too.
Thanks for putting your words out there for others to read; I can tell it's made a difference to some of your readers.
Just wanted to say hi as a new reader. (Hi!)
Wow! An amazingly powerful poem! I can relate to that rage, and the act of taking it out on yourself.
I'm glad that your therapist is helping you to find these things out, you are yet another step closer to being healed.
Hi Angela- I found you through entrecard. Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you.
Love this post for many reasons... Thanks for sharing please stop by my blog to pick up some awards :)
Blessings,
Kara
Hi there,
I've meant to leave you a message for a while. I am so sorry that you tried to take your own life, but am glad you reached out for health. Therapy is so hard. We never know what will come out. I always like to read your words to find something to heal.
Thanks for your words
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