The Power Of Choices

I’ve been knitting and knitting for weeks. One scarf after another for friends and family. The monotony of it keeps my mind still, but this morning it doesn’t seem to be helping. All that I can think about are the damn cookies that I ate last night before I went to bed. I’m disgusted with myself, and feel like a fat pig right now. I hate all of the food around the holidays. Tonight we are having a big dinner, and if my family wasn’t here, I would eat none of it. I feel like severly restricting the moment that they all leave. It hurts because I love them so much, and this fucking eating disorder gets in the way of that. My therapist would be proud of me about the anger right now. “Yes, get angry!,” she would say. I am angry for all of the life that it has stolen from me. I have the choices right here in my own hands. I decide. Me. I’m in charge of this body. For so long, I felt absolutely no control over my own body. My body was taken, stolen, used, and I’m still trying to get it back. All of these years, and I need to take ownership, otherwise they win.

Take back your power!

Taking A Break

It felt so good to sleep in this morning. I've had too many nights of insomnia lately, so I needed a few extra hours of rest. I'm off work until Monday, and I plan on taking an actual break from everything having to do with recovery. That doesn't mean that I plan on being destructive at all, it only means that I need a reprieve from focusing so much on what I need to be doing, or what I'm failing at doing. In therapy this week, we talked about my desire for perfection. I expect it from myself, but I also project that on to others, feeling as if everyone expects me to be perfect. My slips and slides on this recovery journey tend to trip me up. I feel like I shouldn't be making mistakes. I'm going to use these next few days to be thankful for where I am right now, and for all of the blessings that I have. Today I'm going to bake pumpkin bread and apple crisp to take over to the big feast tomorrow. I'm looking forward to spending the day with family, and especially my nieces. I'm going to teach my niece, Riley, how to knit. I bought her some child size knitting needles, and some fun yarn to get her started. I'm going to focus on family, and not on the overwhelming amount of food. I'm going to eat what I can, not worrying about what other people think of my portions, or how much or little I eat. I'm going to do whatever makes me feel the most safe and comfortable at the time. If I can't eat much, that will be okay. I've been thinking about the fact that I usually tend to drink too much on holiday's. I know that I do it to relax and calm myself when I'm anxious, especially when I'm worried about the amount of food I may be expected to consume. This year is going to be different, and I'm taking the pressure off of myself. I'm not going to be drinking, and that will be good, but it will also be hard. Pressuring myself to eat at the same time would be too much, so I'm not going to do that to myself.

Well, that is all for now. Hopefully I will have some pictures to post from our celebration in the next few days. Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! Much love to you all.

Andy Warhol, IHOP, and Not Eating Much

I'm awake at the crack of dawn, when I could be sleeping in. I just don't sleep well without Dave in bed next to me. He will be getting home sometime this afternoon though, and tomorrow morning I won't want to drag my sorry ass out of bed! I really kept myself busy this weekend, and it turned out to be a very good weekend. I went out for happy hour on Friday with some friends, and found myself eating breakfast at IHOP at 3:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. It was a fun evening. I haven't stayed out partying that late in a very long time. On Saturday afternoon, I went with a friend to see the Andy Warhol exhibit, and then we went shopping. I bought some new yarn for scarf knitting, and started working on a scarf for my friend last night. It is soft and fuzzy, and I already love how it is turning out.

I know that this post is probably a boring breakdown of my weekend, but I'm glad that I had things to do instead of sitting around and stewing in my own mind. I haven't done so well with food this weekend though, and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it is just because Dave is out of town, and eating feels like a chore. I've lost a bit more weight, and two pair of those jeans that have been taunting me in my closet finally fit again. I'm happy about that because I wanted to fit into my clothes again, and they aren't my really sick jeans, so I feel like it is okay. The eating disorder would love for me to lose more weight, but I don't feel like I have to listen to that. I'm more comfortable in my body than I have been in awhile, and while I want to get back on track with my eating, I am finding it very difficult. I'm in a bad pattern of skipping breakfast and lunch, and then eating a small amount of dinner, or just some chips and salsa. I'm glad that I'm writing that here, because it makes me take a closer look at what I'm actually eating, which is not much. In fact, I think right now I'm going to go and fix myself a bowl of oatmeal. I might as well start now if I'm going to get myself back on the right path.

Tis The Season

Well, our Christmas tree is decorated, and the stockings have been hung. I should be feeling festive, but I have a sore throat, and I'm losing my voice, so that is putting a damper on my mood. My husband thinks it's good that I'm losing my voice. He's so funny!

This day went by really fast, unfortunately. I hate that the weekends just seem to fly by. I have only nine more working days left before my Christmas vacation. I'm off from Dec. 19th-Jan.7th, and I can't wait! We don't have any plans for the holiday's. We are staying in town. I wish my brother and parents were coming to visit or we could visit them, but money is just too tight for everyone this year. Maybe that is why I'm having a hard time getting excited about the holidays. I'm going to miss my family, and especially my mom, because we always have so much fun baking together. Hopefully next year we can all be together.

I also started sorting through my poetry today. I'm trying to figure out what order I want the poems to be in for the manuscript. It is harder than I thought it would be, and a bit overwhelming. I have more poetry than I realized. I'm excited about it though. I think that it is really going to help me through the recovery process. I can't wait to print out a finished manuscript to give to my therapist so that she can work on the photographs. I'm really glad that she pushed me to work on this project because I had kind of let the idea go. Mostly because I'm not sure that my writing is good enough to be published, but even if I self publish it, I think it will feel good to see it in book form. It will be something tangible that came out of this recovery journey, and maybe it will give me some closure.

Well, I've rambled on enough for tonight. I think the rest of the night I'm just going to relax, knit, and watch t.v. Hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

Free Time

I'm awake early this morning, so I thought that I would get a little blogging in before I start the day. I don't have much planned besides some cleaning and baking. I'm going over to my mother-in-laws to bake pies this morning. Tomorrow we will be going over to my brother and sister-in-laws house for Thanksgiving, and all that I'm in charge of is the bread, so I don't really have that much to do.

I'm definitely going to enjoy the rest of this week off from work. Emery the rat is here for a holiday visit, and she is as cute as ever! I'm not sure what all I'm going to be doing with my time off, but I would like to write some poetry, and work on my knitting. I just finished a fun and festive red scarf. I've never knitted a hat, so that is what I'm going to try next. My son Roman wants a hat to match the scarf that I knitted for him last year. Well, that is all I have to write for now, but I'm sure that I will be back later. Wishing everyone a wonderful day!

On My Own

I'm feeling a bit lost with my husband out of town on a golf trip with his college buddies. He left yesterday, and last night I felt so lonely without him in the bed sleeping next to me. Usually he is still sleeping when I'm getting ready for work in the morning, so I try to be quiet, but this morning I could be as loud as I wanted, so I turned up my music, and even sang along, so that was kind of nice. I'm trying to find the bright side of his absence. What else...Let's see...I didn't cook last night. We just ordered pizza, and I let the boys hook up their video games to Dave's big screen T.V., which he never lets them do. Boy, will he be mad when he reads this! Oh well :-D
Justice has a football game on Saturday, and Roman plays on Sunday, so that will keep me somewhat busy. I'm going to go to the craft store, and buy some yarn for knitting. I think that I will try to learn how to knit hats, which I haven't tried yet. It would be nice to give scarf and hat sets as Christmas gifts. My goal for this weekend is to try to stay relaxed, and just be kind to myself.

Summers End

This is my last official day of summer vacation before I start back to work. I won't actually get to work with the kids until Thursday though. Tomorrow and Wednesday are just professional development and classroom preperation days.

I haven't done anything today besides do laundry and nap, but that is okay. At least I'm well rested at the moment. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight.

The younger boys have football practice tonight. I hate football season! I just find the sport incredibly boring, and as a mother, quite terrifying. I go to the games, but I try to avoid watching as much as possible. I read, knit, and groan a lot! I need to stock up on yarn. Everyone in the family is getting a scarf for Christmas this year, whether they want one, or not.

Well, that is all for now. I hope that this is a wonderful week for everyone!

Knitting

While my mom was here, I bought some beautiful new yarn. It is a combination of fine yarn, and chenille. Here is the scarf that I just finished.

A Magical Monday

I'm awake ridiculously early this morning. I have the back to school jitters I suppose. I know that I worry too much, and especially about what other people think. Most people at work know why I left. I didn't want it to be a big secret. I'm tired of secrets, and besides, it is nothing to be ashamed of. I love everyone at work, and they were all so wonderful while I was away. My room at Renfrew was covered with cards that everyone sent. So, why the nerves? I just don't want any hoopla, and I'm sure that there will be some. Hopefully just mild hoopla, and then I can settle into my day, focusing on the present, and moving forward. To be honest, I'm just worried that there will be comments about my weight, and I want to be able to handle them for what they are. Innocent comments that I can come home and cry about later. Just kidding! :D
Anyway, I finished my fun and furry scarf last night. I love it, and will have Christian take a picture of me in it before I go to work. I have a few scarfs to make for friends, and then my next big project is to knit baby blankets for my friends Kelli and Tyler's twins that are due in April. I can't wait to go and look at more yarn! Oh yeah, and of course, my dad wants some hand knitted golf club covers! Just what he deserves for saying that I had better not knit anything for him:)
The goal for today...?
A magical Monday of course.
Let's do it!
Much love,
Angie

A Fun And Furry Scarf

Today I am doing laundry and knitting this fabulous scarf!

My goal is to finish it today. It is done with large needles, so it should go pretty fast. I love the colors. They remind me of Valentine's Day, which reminds me... I put out my V Day decorations yesterday.

A pic from my dining room.
I will post my finished scarf later tonight. This one is for me!
Have a great day. Much love,
Angie

My Knitting

Here are some pics of me and my scarfs~
My first attempt.
Posing in my first scarf.
#2
This one is for my therapist.
This is the beginning of the scarf I'm making for Christian. I'm hoping that it will look like camouflage when it is finished.

Life Is Good

The dog woke me up at 3:30 a.m. because she had to throw up. Not quite the way that I had intended to start my day, but at least she made it outside so that I didn't have to clean it up! Good dog. I didn't feel like going back to sleep, and since I'm learning how to knit, I worked on the scarf that I started yesterday. The girls at Renfrew would be so proud of me. Almost everyone took up knitting while they were there, but I could never seem to get the hang of it. I was sure that I was knitting disabled! When I came home , my sister-in-law gave me a lot of knitting supplies for Christmas, so I became even more determined to learn. I found a knitting website that had videos that taught the steps, and finally, I figured it out! I'm very excited because there are so many beautiful yarns to work with. Sometimes I get it into my head that I can't learn something new, so I'm really proud of myself for not giving up. Yay me!
I see my nutritionist later this morning. I'm going to show her the menu that I have worked out, and also show her my food journals that I have been keeping. For now, the structure is really helping me to stay on track. Yesterday was hard because I went out to lunch with my mother and sister-in-law's, and we ate later in the afternoon, so then I wasn't really hungry for dinner. I just snacked on apples and peanut butter. Not sure if that was okay, but it was better than not eating at all.
I'm feeling very upbeat and positive, and have really been working on reframing any negative thoughts that creep into my head every once in a while. Life is good!