On The Inside

It is as miserable outside as I feel on the inside. The days have been cold, wet, and grey, so it is no wonder that I feel depressed. I hate winter in Kansas, and the worst part is that it has only just begun. I long for either bright, sparkling snow, or clear, golden sun, and blue skies, but that doesn't happen here much in the winter. The lack of light saddens me. I see my psychiatrist in a week, so I'm thinking of asking her to raise my anti-depressant dose. As much as I hate being on medication, if I'm going to be on it, then I should at least be feeling better than this. It is difficult for me to get into the Christmas spirit, but I'm trying. I've been knitting scarves for my mother and sister-in-laws to give as gifts, and I've also sold a couple at work. My fingers are getting tired, but the knitting is relaxing, and it actually helps to calm my racing thoughts. I can't seem to concentrate for long enough to watch television or read a book without my mind getting in the way. My thoughts aren't even whole, complete thoughts, but fragments, and flashing images. I'm also going to talk to my psychiatrist about this, because it make me feel close to insanity, and it can't be normal. I just don't want to fall into the deep depression that I was in last year at this time. I can feel myself sinking, and I want to catch it before it gets that far. I'm glad that I can recognize the symptoms, and reach out for help. If lasts years suicide attempt has taught me anything, it is that I'm not alone with this. This time I'm going to use the support.

Feel The Joy

My dad has called a few times since I saw him at my grandpa's visitation. I programmed his number into my phone just in case I gather the courage to actually return his call. I was upset when I thought that he wasn't ever going to call, and now that he has, I'm not sure what to do. This is not me being spiteful towards him, or at least, I don't think it is. I do feel the need to protect myself from anymore damage or unintentionally hurtful words. Mostly I think it is what he doesn't say that hurts the most. He can be so oblivious and self absorbed, and although he is no longer drinking and using drugs, I don't think those qualities have changed. I don't need a father figure, because for the majority of my life, I've had an amazing step-father who more than filled those shoes. I ask myself what is it that I want, and I'm not sure. I know that being totally cut off from him by my own choosing feels wrong. He keeps attempting to reach out, and although I don't feel like I owe him anything, I do owe it to myself to try. It takes so much more energy to be bitter and unforgiving.
Therapy this week was very hard, but it was also a great session. My therapist is pushing me more to feel and get angry, and also to figure out why I'm so afraid of expressing my anger. I'm afraid that my anger will push people to leave. I'm also afraid of the intense emotions of others. I'll do anything to avoid conflict or confrontation. I usually just shut down, and become silent. In therapy, I'm learning to use my voice. We practice a lot, but my poor tharapist is taking the brunt of my anger at the moment. She points out to me that she isn't going anywhere just because I get angry with her. That is good to know. Right now, I'm pushing down some of the intense emotions that I feel by restricting my food intake, but I think even that is getting better. I'm making more of an effort to eat, even when I don't feel like I can. The hardest part of eating right now is contolling the urge to purge. The feeling of fullness is overwhelming, and I have to remind myself that it will pass if I can give it time. Being so filled with emotions is hard enough, and adding food on top of it can feel like too much to handle.
The next two weeks are going to be so busy with holiday activities. We are putting our tree up today, so that will help to get me in the spirit. My nutritionist asked me how the holiday's would be if I continue to restrict, so I need to think about that. Restricting tends to numb my feelings, even the good ones. I want to be present, and to enjoy Christmas with my family, so I'm going to make every effort to increase my food intake. I want to feel the joy!

An Uncontrollable Fury

Where did this month go? The good days, the bad, the days that I don't remember. The days that I don't remember confuse and worry me. There are days that I'm outside of myself, looking in, as if I'm a stranger. I awaken from a nightmare, and the day slips away into a distant, safe place, and even I can't tell you where I go. There are so many ways to numb my feelings, and I have managed to find most of them. I also don't want them to be taken away, and one by one, I feel that they are being stripped away from me, without my consent. I know this isn't true, and that I have a say. I have a voice that I consistently try to silence.
Everyone at work notices that I don't eat, and all that I feel is indifference. I don't even care to hide it anymore. It's not that I don't eat. It's just that it is mostly when no one is watching, and although it's not much, I do eat. I feel a sense of embarrassment that I need to eat, almost apologetic. "I'm sorry," I say to myself, and I am. So sorry.
Tomorrow I have therapy, and already I can feel anger being directed at my therapist. I recognize that this is transference of my anger at others being projected on to her. I'm so uncomfortable with this that I'm squirming just thinking about it. I've been dreaming up different scenarios in my mind about ways to terminate our relationship. I've never wanted to push someone away so much in my life. Everything feels like it is closing in on me, my emotions boiling just beneath the surface, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I can't do this, and I'm afraid that it is going to happen anyway. Deep inside, there is an uncontrollable fury waiting to combust, and the word that scares me the most, is uncontrollable.

On The Verge

I'm not sure what I want to write, only that I have the need to write. I have an unsettled feeling, as if something big is on the verge of happening. It's not a good or bad feeling, but I feel a certain amount of breathlessness, and a sense of waiting. Maybe it is only that I don't know what to do when everything seems calm. I wait for the next calamity. There is always this underlying current that something bad is going to happen, or that I'm undeserving of good. I'm afraid that it is all going to be taken away from me at any moment. Why is it so hard for me to live in the present? That has been my goal during the Thanksgiving break, and for the most part, I'm doing well. It was a wonderful Thanksgiving, although I did miss my mom, dad, and brother. I taught my niece Riley, and her cousin how to knit, so that was how I spent most of the day. I tried to eat what I could. It wasn't much, but I didn't push myself at all, and that was what I had planned on doing. Yesterday I spent the day with a former student that I worked with for a few years. Her mom and sister came to pick me up, and we all went shopping and bowling. It was so much fun, and I realized how lucky I am to have so many people who care about me, and that I matter to people. Last year was so hard. I didn't matter to myself, and I didn't want to be alive. The world felt so dark, and small. When I look back on that time, I can see how far I have come. I may still have issues that I need to work on, but I'm here, and I feel like I'm trying to embrace this life. I'm certainly aware and grateful for all of the good that I have.

Taking A Break

It felt so good to sleep in this morning. I've had too many nights of insomnia lately, so I needed a few extra hours of rest. I'm off work until Monday, and I plan on taking an actual break from everything having to do with recovery. That doesn't mean that I plan on being destructive at all, it only means that I need a reprieve from focusing so much on what I need to be doing, or what I'm failing at doing. In therapy this week, we talked about my desire for perfection. I expect it from myself, but I also project that on to others, feeling as if everyone expects me to be perfect. My slips and slides on this recovery journey tend to trip me up. I feel like I shouldn't be making mistakes. I'm going to use these next few days to be thankful for where I am right now, and for all of the blessings that I have. Today I'm going to bake pumpkin bread and apple crisp to take over to the big feast tomorrow. I'm looking forward to spending the day with family, and especially my nieces. I'm going to teach my niece, Riley, how to knit. I bought her some child size knitting needles, and some fun yarn to get her started. I'm going to focus on family, and not on the overwhelming amount of food. I'm going to eat what I can, not worrying about what other people think of my portions, or how much or little I eat. I'm going to do whatever makes me feel the most safe and comfortable at the time. If I can't eat much, that will be okay. I've been thinking about the fact that I usually tend to drink too much on holiday's. I know that I do it to relax and calm myself when I'm anxious, especially when I'm worried about the amount of food I may be expected to consume. This year is going to be different, and I'm taking the pressure off of myself. I'm not going to be drinking, and that will be good, but it will also be hard. Pressuring myself to eat at the same time would be too much, so I'm not going to do that to myself.

Well, that is all for now. Hopefully I will have some pictures to post from our celebration in the next few days. Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! Much love to you all.

Promises

Last night I went to my last AA meeting. It was horrible, and I felt uncomfortable through the whole thing. It was a men's and women's group, and was fairly small. We had to sit around in a circle, and then stand up, say our names, say we were alcoholics, and talk about what we are grateful for. I'm really shy in front of people that I don't know. This was the first meeting that I've been to where I was put on the spot. For one thing, I refuse to say that I'm an alcoholic, so I didn't. I said a few short sentences about what I'm grateful for, and that was it. I was very nervous while waiting for my turn, and I couldn't even focus on what anyone else was saying until my turn was finished. The whole religious aspect of AA also really turns me off. I called my therapist after the meeting and told her that I wasn't going to go anymore. I started crying, and was very upset because I thought that maybe she would stop seeing me, but she told me to calm down, and that we would work something else out. I don't know what that will be, but anything has to be better than AA for me. I'm really glad that it works for others, but for me, it doesn't fit. I have to be comfortable in a situation before I can get anything out of it. Including the meetings that I went to when I was in treatment, I've been to eight meetings, and have never felt at ease with any of them. I think that I'm very overwhelmed with the thought of never drinking again, but if I break it into smaller parts, and just focus on each day, it feels more doable. For now, while I'm still in therapy and working on my recovery, I promised my therapist and my husband that I would not drink, and I have every intention of keeping that promise.

A Disappearing Act

Yesterday I went to the new addiction support group that I was talking about. It was held in the back room of a little downtown coffee shop. I arrived about fifteen minutes early, asked if there was anyone there yet, and sat down in the coffee shop with a vanilla latte'. I waited, and only saw two people go into the back meeting room. Two people! I didn't stay. It only meets once a week, so I'm assuming it isn't ever a large group. I was disappointed, because it had sounded so promising. I guess I will go back to AA a few more times, and attempt to give it a shot. I promised that I would try, so I don't want to go back on my word.
Yesterday, I barely ate anything, and I know that not having an appetite is a poor excuse. I know what I need to be doing, but right now I have zero motivation to do it. The weight is coming off, and to tell you the truth, that thrills me. The eating disorder itself is a type of addiction. Once I get into this pattern, I find it so difficult to stop. The voice of my eating disorder is so loud right now, and I find it hard to ignore. My therapist always asks me why it is so important for me to be thin. The immediate answer is to say that I want to take up as little space as possible. A friend of mine who is also struggling with anorexia said the same thing, that we feel apologetic for our very existence. If I could only disappear, it would be better, and I would be safe. I'm not sure why I feel that way. I do know that I'm loved, and important to so many people. I think that it goes back to my dad not making me feel like I was important, and the rape definitely did a number on my self esteem. I remember thinking after the rape, that I was bad, and that there was something wrong with me. I felt ugly to the very core of my being, and I've walked around with that feeling for most of my life. I do want to recover, but I can't find the will to make it happen. To be free from all of the negativity in my head. The voice that tells me I'm not good enough, smart enough...never enough. To be rid of the numbers, the measuring, the calories, the checking of my bones, to make sure they are still there, and not hiding behind a layer of fat. I'm weary, and yet I continue to forge ahead on this destructive path, strangely feeling that my life depends on it. Lately in therapy, we have been focusing on the alcohol, when I believe that is the least of my problems. I'm drowning in this eating disorder, and because I'm not a walking skeleton at the moment, no one seems to see it. Isn't it interesting that I can say in one sentence that my wish is to disappear, yet I want everyone to see me, and to validate that I'm worth saving. It is all such a dichotomy, and my mind swims in the confusion.
Somewhere inside, I need to find the strength and self worth to save myself.

Surrounded By Love

I've been missing here for almost a week. My emotions are everywhere, and so much has taken place since I last posted. First of all, my grandpa passed away last week. That wasn't really all that emotional. We were not close. After my parents divorced when I was eight, my dad's side of the family fell away. They did not stay in contact, even though we still resided in the same city. I struggled with whether or not to attend the visitation. I knew that my dad would be there, and I had broken ties with him ten years ago. He was a drug addict and alcoholic, and always very narcissistic and self serving. He never payed child support, and yet, always drove the latest Corvette. I did end up going to the visitation with my husband and children. My dad was there, and he cried, and went on and on about how he had changed. He credits his fiance' with helping him to turn his life around, calling her an "angel." Well, we were never enough to give him reason to turn his life around. He never once asked me how I was doing, a week has passed, and he has yet to call me. I'm not really surprised, but it still hurts, and I'm taken aback by the anger. It has come out towards everyone but him, because , as usual, he's not around to even get angry with.
I walked out of my therapy session on Wednesday. We were talking about the AA meetings, and how much I hate them. She insisted that I need more outside support than she could give, and I argued that I don't need group support. I ended up walking out, and then called her and said that I was done with therapy and my nutritionist. We talked later on that night, and worked everything out, but I still feel so much anger, with nowhere to direct it towards. I am finished with AA though. It is just way too religious for me. I'm really private with my faith, and feel like it is a very personal relationship that I don't want to share with others. Tomorrow I am going to a different addiction support group called SOS, or Secular Organizations for Sobriety. It " maintains that sobriety is a separate issue from religion or spirituality. SOS credits the individual for achieving and maintaining his or her own sobriety, without reliance on any "Higher Power." I hope that I will feel more comfortable in these meetings, even though I'm still not convinced that I need group support.
I'm doing horrible when it comes to food and the eating disorder. I'm continuing to lose weight, which is very triggering in and of itself. I'm actually hanging on to the E.D. for dear life at the moment. The less I eat, the less appetite I have. My hunger cues are non existent. Today I have managed to drink some orange juice, and only because I was light headed. Food just doesn't feel safe. I'm overwhelmed with feelings, and without the eating disorder to help reign them in, I don't know where I would be. Thanksgiving is going to be hard. It is too much food to even contemplate! I miss my mom and my step dad, and I'm looking forward to their visit during the Christmas holiday's. I need to feel surrounded by love.

Relapse

Relapse

The hunger hurts
so I settle into it
Wearing it like armour

I'm afraid of your feelings,
the emotions that you wear
on the outside

Contained inside,
mine fester
like an infected wound
A starving comrade,
reminding me.
Growling with unspoken rage

Sighing,
I sink into the comforting abyss,
wrapping the emptiness around me
like the familiar arms of a soul mate

Angela Minard 2009©

Surfacing

Surfacing

It always ends in the water
Sinking into the comforting
weightlessness
Drowning the shame
that boils beneath the
mirrored stillness
I see you
I know you
hiding in the depths
of your own deafening silence
A secret baptism
A whispered prayer
An unfinished memory
begging to return
to the beginning

Angela Minard 2009©

Repair

Repair

Not a flinch
or a slap in the face
of surprise.
Hearing the news
that you died.
You never made any effort
to know who I am.
After the divorce,
disgarded, and left behind.
My memories are only
the faded pictures I've seen
in worn out photo albums.
A white bonnet,
a red trike,
while you pushed from behind.

Is this how I will feel when you die?
Nothing feels sad and empty.
Is that what I want?

It has been so long.
What will I say to you
when I see you at his visitation?
You were just like him
in so many ways.
You left me behind.
You never made any effort
to know who I am.
I will say,
"I'm sorry that Papa passed."
I know you tried
to mend your relationship with him.
Taking care of him in the end.
Maybe you are trying.
Isn't that all anyone can ask?
I will say,
"We can try to work things out

if you can give me some time

to forgive."

Angela Minard 2009©

Therapy Anger Update

Last night I went to my therapy session all fired up and filled with anger. Yes, I think that some of the anger is misdirected, but I let my therapist have it anyway. Instead of returning my anger with her own anger, she was very willing to talk things through, and was actually very proud of me for not keeping all of those emotions inside. That is what I usually tend to do. I am angry at myself for using alcohol as self medication, and I do agree that the behavior needs to stop. She did agree that I am not an alcoholic, but she is concerned with my drinking at all because of the medications that I'm on. She did want me to try a few more AA meetings, but it is not a stipulation for her treating me. She will still see me even if I decide not to go. I also told her that it hurt my feelings that she would want me to take such a strong medication to try and control my behavior. She apologized, but was thinking that if it detoured me from drinking at all, then it might motivate me. I know that is why she is doing all of this, but I never think that threats work, and it just reinforces the idea that I'm not allowed to make mistakes, and must be perfect at all times. I do see her side, and want to work this out. She is very important to me, and to terminate the relationship would hurt me deeply. I'm going to stop the drinking for awhile. I do not promise never to drink again. I want to be able eventually to drink socially again, or to have a glass of wine or beer when I want to, but I do agree that while I'm trying to recover and deal with my past abuse, that it needs to stop. I am going to ask for my husbands support, and also ask him to stop drinking in front of me while I'm not drinking. I know that he isn't the one with the problem, but it makes me angry to see him drinking when he doesn't want me to do it. I know that I would do it for him if the situation were reversed. So that is it for now. Tonight I see a different therapist to discuss more of the rape trauma and dissociation. I'm nervous about talking about it with someone new, although I have seen this therapist for family and and couples therapy, and feel comfortable with him.

I'm not doing all that great with food, but some dinner usually gets eaten. I feel overwhelmed with all that I need to work on, but hopefully things will get better soon.

Therapy Anger

I'm getting ready to go to therapy. I'm angry with my therapist, and plan on telling her so. Confrontation and anger are not something that I'm good at. I have a very difficult time showing anger or telling someone that I'm angry. I'm so upset that she threatened to stop seeing me. I don't think that is right. Is she going to stop seeing me next because I'm not eating like I should be? She also wanted me to take Antabuse, which is a medication that can make you violently ill if you drink alcohol while taking it. I think that is so extreme and harsh, and there is no way in hell that I'm taking it. It has some very scary side effects. She has even said that she doesn't think that I'm an alcoholic, only that she thinks I'm headed in that direction. This whole think has been blown way out of proportion. Grrrr...I'm mad!!!

Okay. I'm going now.

Unworthy

Unworthy

For more than half of a day
I felt unfamiliar elation
followed by
The helpless type of anger
that leads to blank staring
at inanimate objects
until they blur into a sort of
cohesiveness that feels safe.

The chaos of children,

trying to be perfect,

the distractions of a mind

riddled with thoughts
of starving, money, tumors,
and autism. Fear of my own
incompetence.

In my mind
I'm still a child
longing...

Forced to see and do
what no child should ever
witness

Fearing for my life

Innocence lost

Why do I feel so unworthy of peace?

There are arms and voices
that comfort my pulsing veins
and moment by moment
through the fear
I see the hope
that could be my home.

Angela Minard 2009©