Not Sick Enough

Yesterday I had an appointment with my nutritionist. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting her time and my money when I go. I'm not really the most compliant client. Yesterday's session was productive though. We talked about the voice that I have inside of my head, which she called the "critical parent." These are some of the things that the "critical parent" says to me; "You are a failure if you eat." "You have no willpower." "You are weak." " You haven't accomplished enough to deserve food." The perfectionist in me doesn't want to disobey, so daily I allow myself to be abused. By this point in my life I feel beaten down by this constant critical voice inside of my head. Standing up to the "critical parent" is the difficult part. I have trouble making my own voice heard, so standing up for myself feels like a daunting task. I told my nutritionist that I don't feel sick enough to fully recover. She actually laughed when I said this, and said, "So you think that you're recovered enough?" I know how ridiculous that sounds, and yet I can't shake the thought that I don't deserve to be treated anymore. I'm far from the sickly, emaciated woman that I used to be, and yet I can also see how far from well I am. I want someone else to give me the answers. I want an easy fix, but there isn't one. I'm the one who has to do the hard work, but that feels difficult when my self worth is so low. I don't even know where to start repairing the damage. I'm patched up, but there is still a leak in the boat, so to speak. Anyone have any ideas for me? I'm all ears:)

Glimpses Of Light

"Everything felt fragile and freshly come upon, but for now, at least, my depression had stepped back, giving me room to move forward. I had forgotten what it was like to be without it, and for a moment I floundered, wondering how I would recognize myself. I knew for certain it would return, sneaking up on me when I wasn’t looking, but meanwhile there were bound to be glimpses of light if only I stayed around and held fast to the long perspective. It was a chance that seemed worth taking."
~ Daphne Merkin, “A Journey Through Darkness: My Life with Chronic Depression

I know what she means when she says, "For a moment I floundered, wondering how I would recognize myself." I feel like what I'm doing right now is trying to figure out who I will be without the eating disorder, and without this ongoing sadness. On the days when I feel like I'm moving forward, I can't help but worry that everything is going to fall out from under me. I seem to struggle so much with living in the present moment. Daily I have to remind myself to only focus on the here and now. You would think that I would have gotten it by now! I do see glimpses of light, and at times I do see how far I have come.
I had an appointment with my trauma therapist this morning, and we talked about the nightmares that I've been having about the rape. He thinks that through the dreams, I'm trying to resolve the missing pieces and scattered memories that I have. I find it difficult to ground myself after I awaken, and often it sends me into a dissociative episode. I feel so discouraged when this happens, and it also makes me feel ashamed. I'm embarrassed by what I view as a lack of self control. I have gotten so much better about using my grounding tools, but sometimes they still fail to keep me in the present, and that is very frustrating to me. I am safe now, but often in my mind, I don't feel very safe. Too often, I hide in my own shadows of fear, but I'm so tired of being afraid to live. I'm determined to get a hold on this and move forward.

A Journal Entry

Unraveling my soul
left in tattered shreds
lying at my feet
A cold breeze
blows through my heart

I don't remember when I wrote this. I found it in a journal, pages filled with my scattered thoughts. The words bring feelings of grief...someone frozen inside of a numbing pain. I think it was written around the time of my suicide attempt. There are days that I still slide in and out of sinking despair, with strange feelings of dread. It makes me sad that I'm always waiting for the axe to fall, but then there are the days filled with elation and unspeakable joy. The good days are beginning to overshadow the bad, and for that I'm grateful. It's all about holding on and letting go.

You Are...

You Are...

the dream every night
your face...
your smile...

My heart takes flight

Unwilling
to ever close the door
Determined
to never say goodbye
Hanging on
Clinging tight

Wandering in the dark
reaching out to find you
You are the light
that shimmers
glowing bright

Hiding in the shadows
protecting my heart
the walls slowly crumble
with an aching need
to finally let you in

Angela Minard 2010©

Couples Therapy

Dave and I had a couples therapy session a few weeks ago, and I'm just now writing about it. For some reason, I intensely dislike going. They make me anxious and uncomfortable. It is both Dave's therapist and my therapist together in the sessions, so I have three people trying to pull my feelings out of me. Good times!When I've been struggling, I have a difficult time with Dave's attempts to comfort me. He is trying, but my first reaction is to shut down and push him away. I feel undeserving of the care, and I'm also afraid that being comforted will bring me to tears. I'm very uncomfortable with crying in front of others, and we did talk about that in the session. I also find it difficult to see other people in tears. Everyone concluded that I see it as a sign of weakness, and maybe I do in myself, but I don't think so when it comes to others. I like to think that I'm compassionate and without judgment. I'm definitely harder on myself when it comes to showing my emotions.
We also talked a lot about our parent/child relationship, and how to move beyond it. Being aware is half the battle. I have to work on not asking permission for everything, and also not being a rebellious child when confronted with issues. Most of the issues revolve around the fact that I refuse to stop drinking. I guess that does sound rebellious, but I'm really making an effort by not attempting to hide it from anyone when I do drink. Dave is working on treating me like more of an equal, and he is also working on his anger issues. He tends to bark and yell out orders. I try to remind him to use a gentler tone of voice, and he has been better about it.
Marriage is always a work in progress, and nothing stays static. People change for the better, and sometimes for the worse, but I guess that is why the vows say for better or worse:)

Ghosts Of The Past

‎"Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win." ~Stephen King


I don't want the monsters and ghosts to win, but sometimes in the middle of the night, and even in the daylight, they do. I know that the only one who can make them go away is me. I'm the one that lets them take hold. I'm the one that gives them the power. They are the ghosts of the past and the monsters that hurt me, haunting my dreams. I think that if it wasn't for the nightmares, maybe I could begin to let it go, but the terror awakens me and hangs like a shadow over my day. There is no other way to describe it but as an overwhelming sadness that I carry with me. There is no amount of anti-depressant that can make it go away, and maybe that is just it. It will always be a part of me. When does the pain recede? I blame myself because it is me who is hanging on to it. Why can I not seem to be able to control my dreams?

Storm Damage

We had a really bad storm rip through Kansas last night, with high winds, strong rain, and lightening. We lost our two Bradford Pear trees, and it just makes me sick to look out into my front yard right now. Luckily there was only minimal damage done to the house, and no one was hurt. Our neighbors were great, and as soon as the storm passed, we had a crowd wanting to help, chainsaws and all! I'm posting a couple of pics. There is never a dull moment around here!

Star Wings

Star Wings

Glimpses of you sleeping,
your arm thrown protectively
over my body.
Feeling smothered
but afraid to move,
afraid to lose in this war.
In the light

there was no fight

we could not win.
Only you,
always there.
The fear sent me
deep inside of your soul
where I could hide.
Slipping from beneath you,
raising your arm
I finally creep to my bed,
ready to breathe
on my own.

Angela Minard 2010©

I wrote this poem about my mom. It was after the rape, and I would climb into her bed where I felt safe and protected. She didn't know about the trauma, but being home, and away from my dad felt comforting after such an ordeal. I knew that I also needed to cope on my own with such a horrible secret, and that is what I did. I had to breathe on my own.

Headed Back to Kansas

I'm on my way back home to Kansas tomorrow morning, and leaving is bittersweet. I've had such a nice time with my family, and it is hard for me to be away from them. We were so close for a long time, and my mom and I practically grew up together. Through the divorce, we went through a lot, and she taught me what it meant to have strength. I miss Dave and the boys though, and I will be happy to get back to them. Tonight I went to a Japanese restaurant for dinner, and then I called Dave when I got home, and they were having Bagel Bites, so I did feel a bit guilty. Not too much though! I have been pampered and well taken care of here. It has been nice.

I've been anxious because I haven't been able to walk on the treadmill while I've been here, but I know it is good to have a break, and not to be so hard core and obsessive about it. That is what I keep telling myself! I feel like I've gained weight since I've been here, but I'm sure that's all in my head. My head is not always the best place place to be.
On to other things...Today I was able to see a former student and her family that moved to Georgia. They came over to visit, and it was so great to see them. I worked with her for three years, and I'm just crazy about both her and her family. It makes me feel so good that they wanted to see me while I was in town. I'm so blessed to have so many people who care about me. Today I feel very loved, and you can't beat that!

Florida

Here I am in sunny Florida, and it is beautiful. It is my first day here, and mom and I have been shopping, to the grocery store, and just finished making up some salads. We always have fun in the kitchen together. Of course, we talk like crazy about anything and everything. I'm looking forward to hanging by the pool the rest of this week, working on my tan, and enjoying my family. My parents have three cats, and I love cats. Unfortunately, I've always been highly allergic. I brought my inhalers and everything, but haven't had to use them so far, which is good. Now maybe I can talk my husband into a cat:)
There is not much else going on in my life right now. No drama. Everything is calm, and I'm enjoying the summer. I haven't done much cleaning to my house like I was going to do. Maybe when I get home I will find some motivation. We'll see...
Anyway, that is all for now. Hope everyone enjoys the weekend. I know I will!

Untitled

This half smile feels like more effort than it is worth today. I remember Monday, the sleep filled nightmares, but Tuesday is a blur, and my husband just informed me that today is Wednesday. A day lost...a walking dream. I recollect the pain, as it rolls over into this day, and I feel like I can barely speak without tears. I understand selective mutism. How many years of silence, the words swollen and aching, festering like an infected wound. Please don't touch me, I long to scream, not now, while my flesh still crawls. Don't comfort me, don't help me. It hurts too much.

Little Things I Love

Little Things I Love

• Glitter
• Lipgloss
• Diet Coke with a shot of vanilla from Quik Trip
• Tootsie Rolls
• VW busses
• Platform shoes
• Broadway musicals
• Knitting
• Boys
• Babies
• Perfume
• Fashion
• Poetry
• Lace
• Fairies
• Willow Trees
• Dresses
• Kissing
• Daydreaming
• Parties
• Books
• My laptop:)
• Baking with my mom
• Writing
• Target
• Quiet
• Noise
• Laughter
• Sarcasm
• Coffee
• Xanax:)

Well, that is my list for the moment, but I reserve the right to add on to it later!

Choosing

Dave just left to go play golf, and all that I can think about is getting back on the treadmill, even though I have already worked out. I want to stop my mind from racing around in circles, and have a bit of peace. I'm isolating myself today, staying in my room, catching up on laundry, and keeping away from the chaos that is a house full of teenage boys. Maybe the quiet is what is making my mind feel like a crazy persons. Isolating is never a good sign though, and I know this. I don't want one day to turn into two, and so on...I suppose that being aware is a positive. It means that I care about myself. I never want to spiral into the depression and self harming thoughts that I had only months ago. They are months that now seem so far away, and yet only an arms length away. The pain is tangible and strong sometimes, and come at moments that side swipe me. Like now, when all I want to do is give in and cry, about what I don't even know. I'm coping on my own, without the anorexia, although I still have strong thoughts of wanting the distraction of the disease back. Ahhh, the numbing obsession of it all still haunts and tugs at me, pulling me in two directions...to recover or fall into a dangerous trap. I'm choosing recovery, but it feels tenuous at times, like holding onto a frayed rope that is ready to snap at a moments notice. All of these feelings are to be expected I suppose, but nevertheless, maddening. At least for now the teariness has subsided. Writing is good for my soul:)

Happy Father's Day!

Here is an older picture of the boys with their Dad. I couldn't find a more recent one, but I like this.

Happy Father's Day to all of you great dad's out there!
I would like to especially say Happy Father's Day to my step-dad, who is the best dad that a girl could hope for. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long before you showed up in my life to bring your love. I love you!<3