Revisited

Revisited

When I asked if she had read it

she said it was on the floor of her closet...

the poem I had given her

discarded

I had tucked the memory away until later

when I could contemplate the hurt

because although I knew that she cared

there was an anger in me

anger that I had chosen not to acknowledge

I wonder at the time if my face gave me away

but I always smile

or at least that is what I must have done

If she noticed anything in my eyes, it didn't show

It felt like I had been slapped

I remember telling myself that it didn't matter

that she would eventually read it

It was most likely crumpled up

thrown in the trash by now

I still see her

Why do I go back and revisit the past?

Torturing myself

as if everyone is out to get me

to see if I will crumble

I weigh my words carefully

treading on thin ice

The knives that are thrown at me

penetrate my shield

but I will not let you see

Angela Minard 2012©

Wanting

Wanting

Disconnection and mistrust

invasion upon invasion

a barrier between myself and the light

the need for solitude

but the loneliness weighs heavy

You know too much

and yet not enough

always wanting more than I can give

You all want more...

"What do you want to talk about?"

I'm afraid

You will all use it against me

I can't get away from the want

"Tell me what you need?"

Listen to me, but what if you can't hear?

I'm sick...

I can't escape the sick, the broken,

the hopeless, the yearning for a touch that burns

Should I pull away first

before you see the need?

The hunger for more than anyone can give

I'm so sorry

I can never be enough

incomplete

the words are tumbling and I cannot stop them

I promise

trying to be more than I can ever be

the words I write are all that I have

all that I can give

Give, need, and want are incongruent

all that I can say

senseless in the whirling of my mind

apologetic for losing myself to the sick

irrational in my thoughts

I used to be better

before the telling, the spilling of my soul

the loss of time, because at least I could escape

There is not freedom

Do I give up believing?

The nameless horse that I hold in my hand

a talisman

The giving to me so that maybe I can feel

Sometimes people leave on purpose

Sometimes they try to stay

and sometimes I'm the one who drifts away

Fix Myself

Yesterday, after I came home from work, I had a talk with my husband. Mostly he talked, while I nodded, and mumbled that I was sorry. I am sorry that I have been distant, and that when the going gets tough, I check out. I think one thing he said really sticks out in my mind. He said he was afraid that he was going to end up yelling at me. The thought of that terrifies me. I mean it literally makes me feel sick to my stomach, which is probably why I'm writing this blog post at 3:00 a.m. I have so many negative thoughts about myself running through my head, that I can't even keep up with them. I don't know what else to say here. I feel the panic rising, the racing heart, shallow breath, the echo that I will never be good enough. It has taken me almost an hour to write these words. I keep thinking that if I write, I will find some kind of answer, some way to fix myself. This is all that I can write for now.

A Rest From The Chaos

Sometimes when I feel wrapped in silence, like a butterfly trapped in a cocoon, I try to remember that I always find freedom, emerging stronger than before. I sort of fell off the face of the earth this weekend, sleeping the days away. I think my mind needs a rest from the chaos of my thoughts. This morning I felt ready to face the world. Work has been really challenging and during the day it is a good distraction.

I need to focus on my goals to move me forward, and to be more of a participant in my own life. I can't shut people out when I'm feeling lost. My therapist said that she feels me pulling away from her, and my husband has said the same thing. I'm so afraid of losing people, that sometimes it is like I want to be the one who leaves first, as if I won't be hurt as much that way. I want to let go of this fear, and to trust. I think that losing my best friend this year has played a big part in how I'm feeling. I'm still grieving the loss, and maybe I always will, but holding on to the pain isn't going to get me anywhere.

Barriers

"Recovery involves being visible. Ending isolation and coming out from behind a barrier that blocks you from life itself."~Joanne Poppink

This quote really resonates with me because I've always thought of my eating disorder as a way to hide, disappearing from the world, and not only from the world, but from myself. The emergence has been slow, but here I am, in a place I've never really been before. I've always lived inside of my head. I was a quiet, anxious child, even before being raped, and although as I grew older the shyness improved, I was still wary of life and easily overwhelmed. This week I'm hurting, and when I hurt, I want to run far away, withdrawing from everyone. Teenagers are difficult to raise, and both my husband and I are stressed and worried. His reaction is anger, and mine is to close myself off. This does not make for good team work. Sunday night, instead of exploding, he decided to get away to cool off, but he did not tell me that he was leaving the house, and was gone for hours without contacting me. I was hurt, and felt abandoned. My mind goes off in many direction and I become irrational in my thinking. My feeling were disregarded, and left me feeling unimportant. We talked about it last night, but right now I feel unable to let it go. My fear of being left has my stomach tied in knots. Dave wants a couples session, and at least he cares enough to ask for one, although I feel as if I'm failing at everything right now. Parenting...my marriage, and even therapy. My main therapist, whom I feel a strong connection with, wants me to see my trauma therapist more often and that makes me also feel abandoned by her. I know that she only wants me to get the best care, and I also know that it is my way of avoiding talking about it. I'm not feeling very trusting of people in general right now. I think in my mind that when people love you, they don't hurt you, and I know that is unrealistic. I hurt people..

I have some issues to work on. I'm famous for distraction techniques, and I've been falling into those. I do know my weaknesses, so that is a positive. If only I can let go of the hurt.

The Body Remembers

Art by Margareta Jungerth Boo

I don't know if I talked here much about body memories, but I have them, and they are even difficult for me to understand. Researchers have noted that a trauma is stored in somatic memory and expressed as changes in the biological stress response. This means that sexual abuse is a traumatic experience and that the memory of it can be stored in your physical body. I experience body memories with pelvic pain, and painful jaws from oral intercourse. I will often awaken from a nightmare physically feeling as if the abuse has just occured. This comes out everyday with jaw clenching, chewing the insides of my mouth, and uncontrolled tightening of my pelvic muscles, as if I'm waiting for the assault. It took me a long time to talk about this. I felt as if I was crazy, but when I brought it up to my trauma therapist, he was so understanding, and he explained that the pain is real. This has been one of the most difficult parts of my recovery. On top of the flashbacks, I could actually feel the rape of my body as if it was happening all over again. Body memories are an important piece of the healing work. The body can say a lot about the incidents of abuse, and it really is impossible to re-create a body memory when there was no memory in the first place. Because of that, body memories are often helpful in breaking through the denial layers of dissociation. The body may remember moments of the abuse that were too emotionally difficult for the survivors to manage, but by truly listening to their bodies, survivors can learn a great deal about their histories. As I move through this process, acknowledging the truth of what happened to me, I can learn to comfort myself without blame or shame.

Swimming Home

Swimming Home

It was as if suddenly I felt your love

and so I came swimming home

muddy water dripping from my hands

the key slipping into the unlocked door

Crawling beneath your skin

drawing your breath into my lungs

there is comfort in the familiar

our pasts intertwined

Within these silences

meant to keep you away

always protecting you from my pain

drowning in a pool of darkness

Swimming alone

In my dreams

I can hear her cries

the ghost of a girl calling me

Looking into my own eyes

I can finally see

and reaching out to save myself

I find my way back to you

Angela Minard 2012©

No More Walls

"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger than reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into marvelous, I let go. Reality does not impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." ~Anais Nin

Oh, yes to all of this!

The Hero In Your Soul

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours." ~ Ayn Rand

I think we need to recognize that we are all heroes, although we don't often realize it. It takes courage to change, to know that we can make a difference, and the impact we have on the lives of others.

This weekend a friends daughter was almost hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts. I went over to talk to her because she was refusing to see a therapist, and resistant to medication. After talking with her, and telling her my story, I think she agreed to seeing my therapist. It felt so good to help, and it was a very powerful feeling. I haven't always felt like I mattered much or was worth anything. We all need to feel we have a purpose in this world. If we believe that we can't achieve our dreams, then all hope of fulfilling our destiny is lost. Something good has come out of the nature of my battle, and that helps me to see that all things are possible.

I Can Hear

I Can Hear

The heat is like ice searing my skin

white hot, blue fire

reaching out to touch

already singed, I back away

returning for more

The flames flicker in your eyes

mesmerized,

I know I cannot turn away

It doesn't hurt

I'm immune

Let the needle pierce my vein

We play this game

You will say I'm the leader

but the truth is...

I follow,

always...

Let me follow

I'm waiting

Call my name again

out loud

Only I can hear you

Only I can hear...

Angela Minard 2012©

I Am

I Am

I felt the sand,

the dust from the sea obscuring my vision,

the flapping wings overhead, the dizzying view

Time is the movement of sky, a final inhalation

before sinking below

I am the pull, the tug of darkness as you breathe me in

the rest of the world slipping away.

I am the harbor in which you cling,

paralyzed with fear, and you are afraid to let me go

I will not cry out or beg

I am not a choice to be made

I am the horizon in the distance

your solace in the storm of confusion

if only you could see what I see

Angela Minard 2012©

2012 Is Here

Happy New Year!!!

I'm not making any resolutions for the year. Everyday is a day to set new intentions, and make a fresh start.

I can't believe this blog is almost five years old. These are the words of my first post on June 13th, 2007~

"I'm so tired right now. Tired of hiding from myself. I want peace. I want to take back what was mine. My body. My soul. My life...

I remember that time as if it was yesterday, and yet it also feels so far away. I am taking back my life, and it feels good! I wish you all peace, joy, and acceptance for this new year. Sending all my love...

Life Is A Good Enough Reason

I need to eat something, and so the fight within my mind begins. The first argument is usually that I'm not hungry. I'm so accustomed to living with the symptoms, that I don't recognize the most obvious body signals. Still, my mind tells me that I need to have a reason or an excuse to eat. Everyday I talk myself into it. I have to. I want to live, so I eat, but the fighting is madness, and it is tiring. The opening and closing of cupboards and refrigerator doors, sitting at the kitchen table with my head in my hands, the mindless eating over the sink, it is all so old, so familiar, so boring. My inability to just disappear at times pisses me off. "Don't see me," I want to shout! My belief that I was strong enough to starve myself made me feel untouchable. You can't take what you don't see...

The struggle is what tells me I'm alive. The passionate anger I feel toward this eating disorder is what makes me believe that I will win. Hell, I AM winning!

Play Me

Play Me

The dissonant chords spill down my spine

the ominous sound of winter wind

as the metronome ticks back and forth

You are all at once darkness and light

the sin of silence

as your hands pound against my keys

Did I feel you touch me?

I can smell the salt of your skin

on my fingertips to remind me

Fasten my dress

and drive me through winding roads

tell me your dreams

as I trace your palm

the lines that intersect with mine...

Angela Minard 2011©