Battles To Be Won

Today I had a second steroid injection into my left hip, and right now it is still very painful. If I'm remembering correctly, besides being tender from the injection, I was feeling some relief, so I'm a little worried. I'm seeing another orthopedic surgeon next week for a second opinion and to see about what options are available other than a total hip replacement. I'm trying to be positive, but it is frustrating to be in so much pain just trying to perform everyday activities, let alone not being able to keep up with my yoga practice. The doctor I will be seeing specializes in hip arthroscopy and sports medicine, so hopefully after he looks at my MRI, he can help me to decide what the best option would be for my lifestyle.

It is hard on my eating disorder not being able to exercise, and although it is affecting how I feel about my body, I'm trying not to let it affect my food intake. I keep reminding myself that I don't need to punish my body anymore than I already have, and self care is important.  Three months ago, before the first injection, I was also in a lot of pain and had to take a few weeks away from exercising. I was angry, blaming myself, and my first reaction was to severely restrict what I was eating. Starving myself is only going to make matters worse, so this time I'm choosing to continue to nourish my body, even when the bitch in my head tells me that I'm fat and weak. The eating disorder doesn't get to win this battle. I do.

Skinless

 

"Sometimes she seemed like a woman without skin. She felt everything so intensely, had so little capacity to filter out pain that everyday events often seemed unbearable to her.
Paradoxically it is also that skinlessness which makes a poet. One must have the gift of language, of course, but even a great gift is useless without the other curse: the eyes that see so sharply they often want to close. Her eyes were astoundingly blue and astoundingly sharp. Nothing escaped her. She saw everything, and since most of what there is to see in the world is painful, she often lived in pain."

 

~Erica Jong

 

I don't believe that most of what there is to see in the world is painful, but I do believe that often times we rub salt into our wounds, or at least I find myself doing that by allowing my mind to travel back to what hurts. I examine it all in such great detail, torturing myself in the process.

I want to stop. I need to stop.

"Don't worry...
You will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo
Know that you're loved no matter what
 and everything will come around in time."

~ Sarah McLachlan

 

Karma

We have all heard the expression "You get what you deserve," right? Well, I've been thinking a lot about that expression lately. We talk about Karma, or "What goes around comes around." We attempt to make ourselves feel better when someone wrongs us, by telling ourselves that in the end, they will get what is coming to them, but these are cliché's, not some inherent law of the universe. I also hear people say, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The truer cliché is that "Life is not fair."

I'm realizing that when bad or painful things happen in my life, I blame myself. I think that they have happened because I deserved it, or have brought it on myself. I was raped because I was too friendly, I smiled, I wore makeup...

Convincing me that it was never my fault has been quite the challenge for my therapist. My adult mind gets that logic, but the wounded eleven year old little girl that resides inside of me can't seem to hold onto those words. I've been working so hard, but when I encounter hurdles, I find that so much of my pain comes not from the actual struggle, but in the feeling that I somehow deserve the pain. The anorexia stems from the fact that somewhere along the line, I decided that I should punish myself for what a horrible person I am. I feel guilty for any happiness that crosses my path.  

The cortisone injection that I had in my hip has worn off, and I'm in constant pain. I find myself in tears, but it isn't the physical pain that causes me to cry. It is the belief that I deserve this pain that hurts me so much. I think that I try to be a good person, but it is not enough. I found yoga, and a wonderful support system within the yoga community. I was learning how to appreciate my body after so many years of hate, but because of the ways I've mistreated my body, I suffer, and therefore I deserve what is happening.

This summer I was going to work summer school with my kiddos with autism so that I could afford to take the yoga teachers training at the beginning of next year. My dream is to eventually teach yoga to people dealing with trauma, depression, PTSD, and eating disorders. Now all of that will have to be put on hold. I've made the decision to have a total hip replacement this summer. I'm afraid. I question, and I struggle with so many old beliefs that are not serving me well. I know that I need to convince that little girl to believe that it is okay to be happy. I hate and blame her so much, that I cannot allow her to find peace.

 

Let go of those clichés and rules in your mind that allow you to believe you are undeserving. If you will try, so will I, because if I believe that "I get what I deserve," I might as well give up. Life is not fair, but if we give without expectation,  I do still believe that life will give back.

A Simple Goal

I deleted my last post from a few days ago, mainly because it was whiny and ungrateful, and that is not the person I want to be or the space I want to inhabit. Although what I wrote was my truth in the moment, I feel like if I want to move forward, I need to find a different truth. When I worry too much about the future, I become paralyzed with fear and self doubt, and as usual, I find myself standing in my own way. The goal for now is simple, and that is just to be where I am, without judgment.  

Evanescence~ "My Heart Is Broken"

"My Heart Is Broken"

I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from  you.

I pulled away to face the pain.

I close my eyes and drift away.

Over the fear that I will never find

A way to heal my soul.

And I will wander 'til the end of time

Torn away from  you.

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us from  sorrow's hold

(Over my heart).

I can't go on living this way

But I can't go back the way I came

Chained to this fear that I will never find

A way to heal my soul

And I will wander 'til the end of time

Half  alive without you

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us

Change - open your eyes to the light

I denied it all so long, oh so long

Say goodbye, goodbye

My heart is broken

Release me, I can't hold on

Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us from  sorrow's hold

A Wordless Darkness

Nothing makes me more afraid than my own silence. I want to write, but the words are only fragments of incomplete thoughts, and I realize that I'm so overwhelmed by feelings of pain, that I have become incoherent. My therapist mentioned that my hyper vigilance has increased, and she is right...I'm always waiting for the next bad thing. It is a symptom of post traumatic stress which I struggle with, and the severity comes and goes. I feel helpless when it comes to dealing with a current situation that is going on in my life at the moment. I blame myself, and there is no way to fix it. Everyday I walk out of my house and slap a smile on my face, but inside I'm frozen with fear.  

 

“I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.”  
~Yann Martel Life Of Pi    

March Madness

Yes, it is officially spring, but this is the picture I took of my backyard this morning. Spring break has been cold, grey, and gloomy, but even the sun worshipper in me has to admit that this is beautiful.

 

I've missed being here on my blog, but I've been in such a strange head space. I struggled with my health throughout the fall and winter, all of it due to side effects of anorexia. There are also family issues going on, which due to privacy, I won't write about. I'm just trying to make it through at this point, but I'm feeling quite broken most of the time. There is so much good that I want to do, but mostly I feel like I'm a failure.

Well, this is why I haven't been writing!

The Itch Of Madness

The Itch Of Madness

It was as if the pain of remembering was not enough

moments replayed in full color

revisited in my sleep

my mind riddled with so many bullet holes

and yet the blood continued to coarse through my veins

taunting me as it traveled away from my pulsing heart

I began to claw at my skin in the night

The winter brought an ache to my bones

each step becoming a broken reminder

Trying to sink into the numbness of hunger

the emptiness echoing into the silence

Waiting to shrink...to disappear into a quiet place

but every sound was amplified, swallowed in noise

A cacophony of voices, each one fighting to be heard

I couldn't help but scratch the itch of madness

watching as my body was consumed in flames

trapped beneath burning flesh

as if the pain of remembering was not enough

Angela Minard 2013©

Moving On

 

 

This is just a quick update since my last post. I do not have cancer! Yippeee!!!! The MRI showed a cyst in my hip joint, thinning cartilage, and arthritis. I'm now on arthritis meds, and will be getting a steroid injection into my hip on Monday. In the future, the hip will need to be replaced, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm beginning to have less pain, and the steroid is suppossed to really help. Moving on!

Step Away From The Computer

 

Searches related to itchy, night sweats, hip pain

Non hodgkins lymphoma

 

Here is a tip from me to you~ Never Google all of your health symptoms to find a diagnosis that fits. It will scare the living shit out of you! This is so crazy! I dislike going to see doctors, and avoid them as much as possible. I have a very high tolerance for pain... 4 natural childbirths/no drugs/no screaming or crying. I've had kidney stones and didn't shed a tear, although it did hurt like hell. In the last few months, I've been in and out of the doctors office. It was last April to be exact. I went in for a regular check up, and some minor complaints. I was having severe night sweats which I was chalking up to menopause. My hormone levels came back fine, so that wasn't the cause. My white blood cell count was high, but I was recovering from a bladder infection. Everything else was fine, so there wasn't a follow up. Around the same time I also began to have random hip pain. It would come and go, but by late summer it was bothering me enough to go have it checked out. The diagnosis was a possible stress fracture, and to take it easy. I also have osteoporosis from my years of anorexia. I babied the hip, and it seemed fine with only some occasional soreness. I continued to practice yoga daily, and tried to ignore any minor discomfort. A few days before Thanksgiving I came down with a sore throat and an itchy rash that started on my chest and spread to my back, arms, and legs. I also developed a cough, but never went to the doctor because I just figured it would work itself out. The rash went away, but the horrible itching never subsided. I went back into the doctor for the itching around the 1st of January. He took blood, and again, I have a high white blood cell count. He gave me an oral prescription, which didn't help, and a prescription for a lotion that the pharmacy had never heard of. I then decided to change my diet and remove gluten and dairy. Now it is mid January and the hip pain returns, worse than ever. Now I can barely walk, and actually cried in the doctors office because the pain was so bad. No one is giving me answers. I'm itching like crazy, I have night sweats and hip pain. I went in for an MRI on my hip today. The orthopedic doctor says it may be necrosis of the bone, which means that the bone in my hip is dying. He doesn't know about my others symptoms though, because I've seen so many different doctors at this point. Google says that I may have Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I need to step away from the computer!

Isn't It Ironic

My hip hurts so badly that I cannot walk without wanting to cry, and even when I'm not walking, it still aches. The pain started up again at the beginning of the week, but I ignored it, hoping it would improve. Yesterday was so bad that I couldn't make it through work so I went home and called the doctor. I went in and actually cried in the office because of the pain. The doctor referred me to an orthopedic specialist and gave me some pain medication, which is not touching the pain. I couldn't get in for an appointment until Wednesday, but I don't know if I can deal with this until then. Dave wants to take me to the emergency room, but I don't know what they would do for me. I don't know what I'm going to do about work. The doctor that I saw yesterday thinks it is more than a stress fracture and that I need to have an MRI. I'm so frustrated that my body is falling apart when I've been making such a huge effort to take care of it. I don't have anymore sick days left at work and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my job. I can't work with kids like this, and I'm also afraid that I'm going to have permanent limitations that would make me unable to do my job. It is so ironic that today is the first day of the yoga teachers training that I had wanted to sign up for this year. I guess it is a good thing that it didn't work out, but it is taking my mind to a dark and negative place because I fear now that it will never happen. I found something good, and I don't deserve to have it. I purposely haven't written here in awhile because I have never wanted to be one of those people who talks about their aches and pains constantly, and that has been what my last couple of posts have been about. I've been so proactive about taking care of my health. I stopped eating gluten and dairy which seems to have helped with the itching, and I got off of all of my medications months ago. My therapist was not thrilled when I told her that I had discontinued the anti-depressants, but I have been fine without them. I'm down about the state of my physical health, but who wouldn't be? She is also worried that limiting what I eat is going to cause a relapse, but I'm being so careful. Life is full of irony for me right now. I'm finally taking care of my body, but maybe it is too late.

Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

After two months of not feeling well, and the doctor not finding much besides a high white blood cell count, I've decided to make some dietary changes and see if that will help with the symptoms I've been having. I've decided to go gluten-free and dairy-free . I already know that I'm allergic to dairy, but many of my symptoms point to an intolerance to gluten also. It may sound a bit drastic, but I'm desperate to feel better. I'm not sure how my nutritionist and therapist will feel about this. I'm afraid that they will think it is an excuse to eat a restrictive diet. With my history, I know that I will need to be careful, but I'm going to give it a shot and see how it goes. My one resolution that I made for this year was that I was going to eat three meals a day, and so far that has been going well. I'm really not concerned with my weight at this point. I've even recovered from seeing the number at the doctors last week. I truly just want to be healthy.

Stop The Hate

All morning I've been trying to downplay my feelings. "I'm crabby, annoyed, irritated, and so on." I've been sick for weeks with various symptoms, and some of them have cleared up, but others linger, and I'm tired of not feeling well. I found myself in tears the other day, and knew that I needed to go to the doctor. My husband took me in on New Years Eve, and now I'm waiting on blood tests. I'm always so good about getting weighed. I always step on the scale backward, and have not seen my weight since before I went into treatment, but they handed me a synopsis of my visit, and there it was, in black and white. It is upsetting, although I can't pinpoint why. When I was sick, I always kept my weight in the double digits, and now I fall in the mid-range for my height. I liked not knowing or worrying myself with a number, and now that is ruined. I'm more than irritated. I'm angry right now. I'm angry that I'm letting a number get to me, I'm angry because I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm on edge, and near tears. I hate everything about my body. I hate that I don't physically feel well, I hate how much I weigh, and this is always what it comes down to. I feel as if I will never escape the betrayal of my body, and the disgust I feel toward it. I've been doing everything I'm suppossed to do. I eat, I do yoga, and I'm really trying to take care of my body, but it's never enough to stop the hate.

Magic

I remember hearing the bells on Christmas Eve. I must have been six or seven years old because it was before my parents divorced. We had returned from midnight mass, and as I climbed into bed, I heard them clearly. I was certain it was the jingle of Santa's sleigh, so I quickly squeezed my eyes closed, hoping he would not pass by because I was not asleep. I often return to that memory, mainly because soon after, part of me forgot how to believe in magic. I've always had lovely memories of Christmas. My mom worked so hard to make the holidays special. Even when we didn't have money, she made sure we never went without, but those early years growing up are the most vivid. After the divorce, I grew up quickly, and that is what happens. I'm who I am because of how life played out. I wouldn't have my amazing step-dad if my parents hadn't split up. I'm beginning to realize that life in itself is magic. Every moment shapes who we are, and brings unexpected gifts, and he was definitely an unexpected gift. I remember the first time he came over. My mom made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, and my brother hid in the closest because he hated new people. I loved him from the start because he made me laugh. He still does! 

For a long time those bells were a distant memory, but I'm beginning to listen more closely now. Not only can I hear, but I can see. Magic...