Transformed

Transformed

I hold on in my sleep
clenched fists
awakening with aching fingers
empty hands...

"It hurts, it hurts, it hurts," 

I think to myself
drifting back into the same nightmare...
footsteps heavy, looming shadows,
and then the comforting sound of
your voice calling my name

"It hurts," I whisper

as your gracefully opened palms
receive my falling tears
iridescent crystals
spilling through your familiar, outstretched fingers

"I will hold it for you," you repeat softly
until my eyes begin to flutter open

...and for awhile

this pain

beautifully transformed

Angela Minard 2017©

Days of Glitter

Days of Glitter

I cry...

A lot...

Every day...

I love my new job

It also makes my heart hurt

I've been teaching yoga for awhile now, 
but I avoid teaching children

When I worked with children everyday, 
I figured that I needed a break from kids

When asked to sub kids classes, 
I would adamantly refuse

I never wanted to teach yoga to children, 

and so when I started this job 

teaching yoga in a psychiatric hospital, 

it didn't cross my mind that I would be required to teach children

I wanted to work with the adults 

forgetting that they too were once children

First I was a child

I guess I try to erase that little girl...

The youngest admit is five, 
and then there are the dreaded teenagers! 

I love them...

I know them...

their fears

insecurity, 

feelings of loss...

I see the beauty that they have already lost sight of

I try to remind them

and I see

flashes of a smile

like the sun

hidden for awhile

glittering along the edges of cracked, 
grey pavement 

***************************************

I'm trying to figure out how to keep my heart from breaking 

on a daily basis

or perhaps I bear witness

watching the shattered bits land where they may

sweeping the pieces back together

holding the small mirrored shards gently in my trembling hands

deep breaths as the glitter flies

shimmering sparks

of love

Angela Minard 2016©
Artwork by Anne Bachelier

How in the World

Sometimes we move through our days in survival mode, 

and how in the world does that even happen? 

It just does...

This was my day

I'm struggling...

I haven't slept much, and when I do sleep, I have bad dreams. 

Still, here I am, on the other side, 

heartbroken....

Instead of a positive mantra, all I hear is, "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this."

I CAN do this, but my energy is focused on these intense feelings of want. 

I need to let go of wanting and needing because it only causes pain. 

I don't truly want or need for anything. 

I have everything, but I'm always searching for more. 

It causes my suffering. 

How many times have I said, "Let go of what is no longer serving you?" 

This is what I need to do, but letting go is not what it seems to be. 

It is not simple. 

It takes time. 

It takes more time than you will ever realize. 

It will hurt

It will hurt

It will hurt...

You will survive...

Artwork~ Amanda Cass

Illusions

Illusions

Ahhh...

so I'm talking again to you

or perhaps

it is only the illusion of a confidant

the perfect

silent friend

nodding in agreement

tagging along with my brilliant ideas

nudging me with your elbow

winking in conspiracy

two vagabonds running wild

I will play

along for the ride

knowing deep in my heart

that you are a trickster

masquerading as the nurturing creator

Hiding your wicked smile

as if I could not see

that your nightmares are brighter than my fireworks

screaming white noise

Simply try to close your eyes

Ahhh...

so I'm talking again to you

or perhaps

it is only an illusion...

Angela Minard 2015©

Sweet Dreams

Everything about me feels gloriously weighted to this world at the moment, and so I want to hold on... My eyelids are heavy, my heart thrumming deep and slow within my chest. I can even imagine my blood flowing through my veins, slow as a cool, lazy river. I need to sleep, but I easily and quickly slip into frightening dreams, and so I fight to stay awake. I hear your voice softly say, "Don't put so much meaning into your dreams. They are not real." The lines between reality and my dreaming world often seem blurred, and the nightmares that haunt me in my sleep linger along the parameters of my mind, waiting for an unguarded opportunity to remind me to be afraid. Each night as I prepare for bed, I say to myself, "You are safe, you are loved, you are protected." The only dreams that are real are waking dreams...the beautiful imaginings of a life only you can create. 

Sweet dreams...

You Are The Answer

I'm moved and amazed by how we touch others;

how we pass throughout our days unaware of the impact we make, 
and how even the simplest of gestures can change the course of a day. 

When we are in pain, and filled with despair, 

we don't realize how we would be missed. 

Imagine believing that our pain was endless...

how do we ask someone to stay? 

How do we find the will to keep going when all we can see is darkness ahead? 

It is difficult for someone who hasn't felt such infinite hopelessness to understand wanting to end your own life. 

I lived in silence for so long, 

turning away from all that I didn't want to see. 

I would awaken each morning, and before I even had a chance to grasp the light, 

shame would wash over me, and it took everything I had inside to face the day. 

My suicide attempts were planned, and yet also impulsive.

 I would obsessively think of ways to end my life, 

allowing the thoughts of nothingness to comfort me. 

Those thoughts never included who I would be leaving behind, 

or what I had yet to accomplish. 

Yes, it was selfish. 

Pain is not rational...

It is exhausting.

I'm grateful for all of the arms that reached out to pull me back to shore 
when I was drowning. 

I didn't realize how much I wanted to live, 

or what living would even mean; 

I believed that I was deeply flawed, and broken beyond repair.
Healing shame and believing in my value is an ongoing process,
but I am worthy of the effort.
We all are deserving of joy.

We are here for boundless reasons we will never fully understand. 

Our lives, 

no matter how short our time here on earth, 
touches...
reaching beyond our limited comprehension, 

in an everlasting circle that expands outward, 

embracing eternity. 

"If you are falling...dive. Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the questions when you are the answer." 

~Joseph Campbell

Now Is Simply Beautiful

I am wide awake, when I should be sleeping, but my mind cannot rest, and my heart is racing madly. I'm out of my routine I suppose, and life is buzzing loudly; insistant that I sit up and take notice. I'm so alive that it feels as if an electric current is running throughout my body, and it is not entirely pleasant. Changes are happening all around me, and with change comes a certain amount of discomfort. These changes are everything I've dreamt of, and it feels so unreal at times to believe that I can even have these things that I've wanted. I'm beginning to teach some yoga classes at a couple of studios in town, and it is amazing to me to love it as much as I hoped I would. I wasn't sure... I mean, I love my yoga practice, but there is a difference between practicing and teaching. A large portion of recovery for me has been sharing my journey with other people who are struggling to find their way, and that has mainly been sharing my story through writing. Yoga was the missing piece of the puzzle for me in terms of recovering from the eating disorder and post traumatic stress. I needed yoga to teach me how to re-connect to my body in a healthy way. Wanting to teach yoga stems from a tremendous desire to give back somehow, so I'm relieved to find that I love teaching, as scary as it is! I have so much still to learn, but I'm ready, and more than willing. 

The school year is over, and I have a few days off before summer school begins, so my routine has been disrupted, which often throws off my sleep. It has been an exciting couple of weeks, with my third son graduating from high school. He will be going away to college in the fall, and my husband and I are talking of downsizing. It is strange to be thinking of moving, but I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I do have the future in mind, but I'm also rooted firmly in this present moment. Whatever comes will come whether I worry about it or not, so I'm not worried. Now is simply beautiful...

Easily Broken

Artwork by~ Carmine Monzo; Drawing, "Breaking Point". Pastel, charcoal.

 

This morning I came to my blog because I knew that I needed to write, but my mind is jumpy, so I will apologize early on if this post leads nowhere. I'm going to make bullet points, and try to make some sense of it all.

 

• I criticize myself for the intensity of my feelings. I feel like my heart breaks too easily.
• I have a shaky sense of self worth, and as much as I'm trying to change this, it is easily shattered.
• PTSD sucks...I was triggered by something that I cannot talk about here, but managing the symptoms is exhausting.
• When I don't sleep, hopeless feelings begin to take over.
• I feel guilty for any happiness that comes my way.

This is all I can write for now.

A Wordless Darkness

Nothing makes me more afraid than my own silence. I want to write, but the words are only fragments of incomplete thoughts, and I realize that I'm so overwhelmed by feelings of pain, that I have become incoherent. My therapist mentioned that my hyper vigilance has increased, and she is right...I'm always waiting for the next bad thing. It is a symptom of post traumatic stress which I struggle with, and the severity comes and goes. I feel helpless when it comes to dealing with a current situation that is going on in my life at the moment. I blame myself, and there is no way to fix it. Everyday I walk out of my house and slap a smile on my face, but inside I'm frozen with fear.  

 

“I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.”  
~Yann Martel Life Of Pi    

The Big Picture

“Many survivors struggle with anxiety attacks. Anxiety is what you experience when you’re overwhelmed by your emotions, your memories, or when something in your environment reminds you of old feelings of terror or of being trapped. You may actually be reliving what you experienced as a child or you may be trying to push feelings and memories away.” Courage to Heal Workbook by Laura Davis

Saturdays are a wondrous, glorious thing, especially after a long first week back at work. I've been struggling a bit here, doing great a bit there, so all around, when I look at the big picture, I'm really okay. My anxiety level has been high, partly due to an aggressive student, and partly because I have a new fear about driving. I've always tended to have panic attacks in the car because it makes me feel trapped and out of control. I've been afraid that other people are going to hit me, or I'm going to swerve into oncoming traffic. I think a lot of it is because at work, there is the constant fear that I'm going to be hit or have things thrown at me. My adrenaline is pumping as soon as I get up in the morning. The other thing that is making me crazy is that I feel hungry all of the time. From the time that I get up until I collapse at the end of the day, I feel like I'm in constant motion. I'm exerting a lot of energy at work, I eat a protein bar on the way to my second school, and then I go straight to yoga. I need more food in my day, and I'm scared to add it, but to function, I have to. I saw my nutritionist on Thursday. We talked about how great it is that I'm feeling the hunger instead of ignoring it. Actually, she said it is awesome, but it doesn't feel awesome at all. It is scary! I'm afraid that I will become a bottomless pit, greedy and starving all of the time. I've decided that I will pack more snacks in my purse. I don't really have much time to sit down and eat them, but I will just try to fit them in when I can, which means that I may have to eat in front of other people. My nutritionist rarely weighs me anymore, but this time she had me get on the scale. I never ask the number, but only if I've gained or lost. She said I had lost, and really stressed that I need to increase my intake due to my activity level. I'm going to do it because the constant hunger is a horrible feeling. It makes me wonder how I ever did this, and of course part of me thinks that I'm just not as good at being anorexic as I used to be. Last night I ate most of a hamburger that my husband had grilled, and it was actually a relief to have the hunger gone. I've come a long way from not even recognizing when I was hungry. It is one more step in the right direction.

Unlock The Silence

Did you know that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will experience an unwanted sexual act before the age of 18? April is Sexual Assault and Awareness Prevention Month. Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted. Visit http://www.rainn.org/ for more information, to get help, or to donate.

Life Choices

Even in the desert, a flower can bloom.

I have been thinking quite a bit lately about choices, and how they pertain to the lives we lead. We do not always choose the circumstances in which we find ourselves, but we can choose how we respond to them. We ALL live a life and even though we may have some of the same experiences, or have been a part of the same situations, we are all affected differently. We all have our own story, from our own point of view. We all walk our own path. We all react based on our own internal make-up. We cannot expect another to “get over something” or to “let it go” because our trials and our tribulations are what make us who we are. Our trials can be used as positive growth or hinder us from moving forward based on what we choose, but moving forward does take time and healing, and no one else can determine the pace at which we heal. Most of the time it is two steps forward, and one step back, and those steps can be frustrating, but ultimately, we choose in what direction to go. Did I choose to have an eating disorder? No, I did not. It was used as a coping skill to deal with a trauma that occurred in my life, and letting go of it when it was my safety and security for so long is difficult, but I'm choosing life and recovery. I make mistakes, I fall backwards at times, and it is a daily battle in my mind between my healthy voice, and the voice of my eating disorder. I share my daily struggles in this blog, and writing here helps me to sort out all of the thoughts that swirl around in my mind. I have had comments from people who only want to read my happy and positive thoughts, but this is my journey TOWARDS healing, and there are many times when I stumble. Yes, I still have anger. I kept those feelings buried inside for a long time, and part of healing is being able to express those feelings. I would certainly like to think that more often than not, I am finding the joy and laughter in life. There are definitely aspects of my life that trip me up, but on most days, I have never been happier. One of the first and the most important parts of my recovery was reaching out for help and breaking my years of silence, and that is what I encourage anyone who is dealing with an eating disorder or trauma to do.

The Empty Room

The Empty Room

I feel myself floating away
The darkness pulls
and do I choose to fall
into the abyss
this night of silent screams
and waking dreams?
Am I somehow to blame
as I fight them off now?
Will I finally win?
You drag me kicking
to the surface
my limbs flailing
flinging my clothes
into the air

Somehow I'm alone

with my fury
raging

into an empty room

Angela Minard 2009©

And Still She Cannot Breathe

This week has been so hard. I started out the week with a nightmare about my rape that then triggered some flashbacks. I hadn't had any flashbacks for awhile, so I was hoping that they were gone for good, but no such luck. It is horrible to be forced to relive such painful memories, especially when I work so hard to put it all behind me. Why is it so difficult to stay in the present? Is it because I haven't worked through all of the emotions that I need to work through? Yesterday, I had flashbacks off and on all day, and after every one, I would cry, and then I would feel so angry. Angry at the tears, and angry at what brought on the tears. Angry that I'm still dealing with this after so many years, and frustrated that I'm not better yet. I become so impatient with myself and my progress. I was even mad at my medication. Why wasn't it working? I was feeling great the week before, and now this...I couldn't understand why the healing was always so up and down.

I did have a good therapy session, and was able to actually talk about some details of the rape without totally losing my mind. That is definitely progress, and I feel like the more that I can talk it through with my therapist, the less power it will hold over me. I want so much to take back my power.

Held down and gagged
she fights to scream
Hoping this is only a dream
and still
she cannot breathe
and still
she cannot breathe

Trying To Love

Trying to love my own body is hard. This society trains women especially, to be in constant competition with themselves, and even more sad than that, to be in competition with other woman. We are supposed to continually be trying to improve ourselves...tone this, lift that, firm and tighten, lose weight. It is an endless battle that can never be won. Yesterday, for a brief moment, I was feeling okay about my body...not great, but okay. I even let my husband catch a glimpse of my naked self before I quickly dressed. Maybe it is just an adjustment period, and I have to get used to the way this new body feels, as opposed to the bag of bones that I used to carry around. The problem that I always seem to have, is that I don't give myself enough time to adjust. I wish that I could have stayed in treatment long enough last year to get some more help with that part of recovery, because I think that this is the most frightening aspect of all. My gut reaction is to turn back now, before I lose control of everything. When I was in junior high, I went through a chubby period. I would come home to an empty house, turn on the television, and fill my loneliness with food. I was afraid of everything. If the doorbell rang, I was afraid to answer it. I think so much of those feeling can be attributed to the rape, and PTSD. The weight that I have gained, and those risidual feelings bring me right back to that frightened and lonely girl that I never wanted to be.

I Am A Warrior

"There is a lot of tragedy in the world. There are thousands of people who have experienced unbelievable pain and suffering like you have. And there are thousands more who have had to survive much, much worse. It can be done. Each day you get up and you make a decision on whether or not your will be a survivor. I would imagine all you need to do is look into the eyes of your children to know what has to be done. Walk away from the past and start walking toward your future."

This was an anonymous comment on my previous post. What this person said is very true, but I already feel like a survivor. I already know that it can be done. I survived for thirty years without asking for help...believing that I somehow deserved what happened to me. I realize that other people have suffered much worse tragedies in their lives than I have. I'm not worried about other people. Letting go of the secret of having been raped, also means that I have to face the trauma that I hid from for many years. There are repercussions to literally facing my demons, and those are what I'm working on getting through. I ran from my past for too long, and I'm leaving behind the guilt and shame. I decided to be a survivor a long time ago, and now it is my time to heal so that I may fly toward my future... finally free.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I was raped in the summer of 1977, in Dallas, Texas. It was one of many secrets that I felt so shamed by, I kept them hidden well into adulthood. It wasn't the first time that I had been sexually abused. The first time was an older cousin, and then the husband of a babysitter. Incidents that all happened during the beginning of my parents divorce, and because my mom was already going through so much trying to raise my brother and I on her own, I instinctively kept hidden what I knew would only cause more pain. I look back now, and remember losing chunks of time, always pretending to remember this or that, and getting by with a "head in the clouds, such a daydreamer" excuse. My first dissociative episode happened while being raped. I felt myself leaving my body, and watching it all from a distance, as if it wasn't happening to me at all.

" I tell myself;
just fly away,
fly away,
we'll be okay."

I'm still not sure what it was that finally shattered my silence. Maybe it was beginning to trust the therapist that I was seeing for an eating disorder. I never thought that I would tell, and sometimes I question whatever wisdom it was that told me it would be for the best. Part of me knew that the silence could destroy what was left of my life, and I wasn't willing to give that up.
The filth and scum always rise to the surface, and that is what happens when you try to cover up trash. It is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder~

Trauma survivors with PTSD feel chronically afraid that the event is happening or is going to happen, and are unable to fully realize the traumatic event is over. Sometimes they involuntarily relive the event to such a degree that they are unable to maintain contact with present reality; these experiences are called “flashbacks”. At the same time, they avoid remembering as much as possible, and as stimuli in daily life trigger memories, they begin to avoid more and more of life. They may feel intense shame and guilt, thinking that they are somehow responsible for what happened, or guilty for what he or she did in order to survive. With chronic hyperarousal, they feel exhausted, have sleep problems, have difficulty concentrating, and are irritable and jumpy. They may purposefully avoid sleep because of terrifying nightmares. Due to emotional numbing they lose feeling a sense of being connected to others, withdraw from loved ones, and may lash out due to irritability, causing whatever support they have to slowly disappear. They may begin to drink, use drugs, work too much, or engage in other self-destructive behaviors to avoid the feelings and memories of what happened.
Johnson, D.M., Pike, J.L., & Chard, K.M. (2001). Factors predicting PTSD, depression, and dissociative severity in female treatment-seeking childhood sexual abuse survivors. Child Abuse & Neglect, 25, 179-198.

These feelings are normal, even many years after the trauma has occured. I have to remind myself that I'm not crazy...that I will survive...and thrive.

Out Is Through

"The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately"

Alanis Morissette

I'm not sure why I thought that I could just stop taking my medication, but three weeks ago, that is what I did. I was having some side effects from my dosage being increased, and it's also very expensive, so I just stopped. My therapist was not happy with this decision, but I really thought that I would be okay. I was wrong. The panic attacks and jumpiness returned, along with sleepless nights and flashbacks. What ultimately sent me back to the pharmacy though, was the draining loss of all hope. I'm tired of disappointing myself and others by continuing to sabotage every effort that I make to get well. I'm not sure what it is that I'm so afraid of, but I do know that I have to push past the fear instead of becoming paralyzed by the unknown. There is a comfort in slipping back to nothingness, but with each slip, I'm also finding a darkness that defies feeling empty and numb. My fear of what lies beyond the darkness is what will hopefully push me all the way through to the other side.

A Self Defense Course?

I didn't want to go to therapy or see my nutritionist on Wednesday, but I forced myself to go, and I'm glad that I did. My therapist reminded me that this is my therapy, and that we can go at whatever pace feels comfortable to me. That made me feel better about wanting to slow down our trauma work for awhile. The issue that I'm having right now is safety, or rather, my perception of what makes me feel safe. I'm not feeling safe in my body because of recent comments that have been made, and that is very frightening to me. It has definitely fueled the eating disorder, and I know that I need to challenge these misperceptions. The truth is that at a low body weight, I am less able to protect myself. Starvation leads to less awareness of everything, including my surroundings, giving me a false sense of security. I am just now realizing that I have used starvation as a way to feel powerful and in control of my safety. My nutritionist has suggested that I take a women's self defense course, and my husband also thinks that it would be a really good idea, so I'm going to start looking into it. The idea of taking a class like this actually scares me, but maybe I need something more active and concrete to give me a sense of empowerment? If you have thoughts on this subject, I would love to hear them!

A Calm And Peaceful Place

It is 4:00 a.m., and I am mentally tired of being me. I cannot seem to find a calm and peaceful place, at least not for longer than a moment. Sleep comes and goes, but mostly I run on nervous energy, filled with unexplainable fears that turn my mind over and over until all that I want to do is cower into a dark corner and disappear. I had what I thought was a panic attack on the school bus at work on Monday afternoon. My heart began to race, and the bus felt as if it was moving at three times its speed. Everything was so loud, and racing by so fast. I literally wanted to crawl under the seat of the bus. What would the students have thought of that? This lady is in charge of us? Great! I just kept taking slow, deep breaths, and holding on to the serenity charm that my therapist gave me. When I called to tell her about it, she said that it sounded more like a manic episode than a panic attack. My meds are being adjusted right now, and all I want is to be normal, whatever that is! She thinks that I may be a little bi-polar. Is there such a thing as a little bi-polar? My list of craziness is growing~ ptsd, depression, bouts of ocd, anorexia, dissociation, panic attacks, and now, manic episodes which could indicate that I'm bi-polar...Jeesh!

My husband just came downstairs to check on me because he is worried, but his worry feels more like anger. It all just makes me feel so guilty for putting him through all of this, and if I could control it, I would. Anyway, that is my crazy morning rant for the day. I would still rather be this way than depressed and sleeping all of the time. Really, all I want is to be calm and steady, without the racing thoughts, but to still have energy. Writing seems to be the only way to sort out what goes on in my mind. Of course without the writing, my house would probably be spotless like it used to be! Oh well... Time to get ready for work.
On that upbeat note...

Hope everyone has a wonderful day:)