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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Out Is Through

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"The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately"

Alanis Morissette

I'm not sure why I thought that I could just stop taking my medication, but three weeks ago, that is what I did. I was having some side effects from my dosage being increased, and it's also very expensive, so I just stopped. My therapist was not happy with this decision, but I really thought that I would be okay. I was wrong. The panic attacks and jumpiness returned, along with sleepless nights and flashbacks. What ultimately sent me back to the pharmacy though, was the draining loss of all hope. I'm tired of disappointing myself and others by continuing to sabotage every effort that I make to get well. I'm not sure what it is that I'm so afraid of, but I do know that I have to push past the fear instead of becoming paralyzed by the unknown. There is a comfort in slipping back to nothingness, but with each slip, I'm also finding a darkness that defies feeling empty and numb. My fear of what lies beyond the darkness is what will hopefully push me all the way through to the other side.

5 Comments:

Jenny said...

Your blog is so beautiful. It's deep, it makes me feel. I can see myself in the words, and I'm very grateful for your blog. By writing, you are not only helping yourself but others. ;) Thank you!

confused said...

lack of hope is npt good for it is hope that drives all else..hang on to it..:)

Anonymous said...

Thought of the Day:

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

Keep pushing, there are better things on the other side.

Love ya

Donn

HEALTH NUT WANNABEE MOM said...

It sounds like you are on a difficult journey right now. There have been times that I felt deep despair and I still have some eating issues which I have accepted will always be there too. I just have to find ways (and it is not always easy) to be healthy. Good luck to you. I am sure you are a strong person to endure so much but I sense you will shine through.

Jenaisle said...

You can write very well. Make use of this as your outlet-that way, your anxiety will be reduced. You have many things to be thankful for, One is your talent in writing. I am certain you could find more of them if you look long and hard enough.

Happy blogging.