The Key

I cannot seem to control the shivering of my body, although the sun rests upon my shoulders, the panic rising in my throat, squeezing the breath from my lungs. These symptoms are the beginnings of a panic attack that I have been trying to control since I woke up. I went to yoga, welcoming the stillness of my mind as I concentrated on the movements of my body, but now my thoughts are racing ahead of themselves. I want to claw at my skin...to feel the pain that I think I deserve. My therapist told me this week to work on not letting anyone else define how I feel about myself, but that is so difficult for me to do. I care too much what other people think of me. I have had a rough week at work, and thoughts of wanting to give up plague me. I'm not good enough, and although I know that I cannot please everyone, I try so hard. I'm not perfect, but I feel like other people expect it of me. Maybe it is really that I expect it of myself. I want to be able to escape from my mind, and yes, sometimes this world. I'm feeling sorry for myself, because everything feels like too much resting on my shoulders. I'm on spring break this week, and hopefully I can recharge and take care of myself. Beating up on myself is never productive, leaving my spirit exhausted. I have a lot of rethinking of my life and what I want out of this life, letting go of so many expectations. I know that letting go is the key...

The Path Forward

Every day I wake up with a sense of fear and dread, but I can't really pin down any reasons for why I feel this way. In fact I have many feelings that I seem unable to explain. On Saturday, I was feeling so sad, and then out of the blue came feelings of agitation and anger which I ended up taking out on some dishes that I was washing. These feelings come bubbling up to the surface and then I'm not sure what to do with them. The anger confuses me because it has no direction in which to go, and I don't want to take it out on my family, so I end up turning it inward. Maybe I just need a sturdy punching bag and some boxing gloves! Each day that I get through is a victory at this point. The thoughts of self harm are still there, but I'm able to push them down by thinking of my children and those I love. They are what keep me going right now. What scares me is the fact that my suicide attempt was impulsive and brought on by fear and panic. Yes, I had those thoughts before my attempt, but I never believed that I could actually ever carry those thoughts into action. Maybe that is where the sense of fear and dread come from. I'm afraid that I don't know how to live. I'm trying though. I'm trying to eat, although it has been difficult because I don't have an appetite at all. I'm also trying to get regular exercise because I know that it does help with the depression. My psychiatrist changed my meds, so now along with the Abilify, I'm also taking Lamictal, which is used as a mood stabilizer in treating bipolar disorder. It is supposed to help with the depression, so I'm really hoping that it does. I'm not worked up to a therapeutic dose yet, so it is hard to know if it is going to help. Work has been okay. My concentration and focus aren't all there, but it does seem greatly improved compared to last week, which actually seems like a blur to me now. My brother sent me a card yesterday, and in it, he wrote, "Sometimes you have to take one step backwards so you can see the path that goes forward." So, I will keep moving forward, even if it is only one baby step at a time.

Home Sweet Home

...So I took an entire bottle of Xanax(60 pills) and ended up in the ICU, and then on the psychiatric floor of a hospital for 6 days. If I'm nothing else, I am honest here in this blogging world, and that is why I have been missing in action for the past week. Definitely not my proudest moment, and something that I will regret for the rest of this life that I have been so privileged to live. A panic attack, depression, and anxiety got the better of me, and I behaved irrationally and impulsively. I had a panic attack while trying on clothes during a shopping trip. I went home feeling hopeless, defeated, and filled with thoughts of self loathing and disgust. I don't remember it, but I did reach out to my therapist by e-mail and told her that I had taken an overdose. She contacted my husband, who then took me to the emergency room. Suicide is such a selfish act, and I feel sick about hurting and worrying my family and friends in this way. I never meant to hurt anyone else in this...I just wanted the pain to end. I have had a lot of time to think while in the hospital, and I never plan on attempting anything like this ever again. I want to be stronger than this eating disorder and depression, and strong enough to bury the pain of the past. I have been given a second chance, and I plan on making the most of it...Here and now...One day at a time.

Worn, And Weary, But Not Giving Up

I have been too tired to do much of anything besides go to work, and my energy is at an all time low. The new medication that I'm taking causes drowsiness, and taking it 3-4 times a day is wiping me out. I'm feeling very frustrated and impatient. I'm following my meal plan the best that I can, and doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing, so it is disheartening to not be filled with health and energy. I stopped taking the Lexapro, and my team has agreed that with everything that is going on with my body, it is probably not the best anti-depressant for me to be on. So far, I'm feeling okay without it. I'm just going to stay on the Abilify, and see how I do without an anti-depressant. There are just too many negative side effects, and it doesn't seem worth it. I want to be on the least amount of medications possible, while still being able to feel like my mood is stable. I have had a few panic attacks in the past week, but flashbacks and nightmares have really tapered off, and that has been wonderful. The flashbacks and nightmares can be so debilitating, so it has been nice to have a break from them. I do think that I'm moving forward in so many ways, and not tripping over myself so much. I'm trying harder to acknowledge the things in my life that are positive. I refuse to give up, even though my body isn't cooperating the way I want it to. I do feel like once I can make it past this minor glitch in my health, everything else will fall into place.

Out Is Through

"The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately"

Alanis Morissette

I'm not sure why I thought that I could just stop taking my medication, but three weeks ago, that is what I did. I was having some side effects from my dosage being increased, and it's also very expensive, so I just stopped. My therapist was not happy with this decision, but I really thought that I would be okay. I was wrong. The panic attacks and jumpiness returned, along with sleepless nights and flashbacks. What ultimately sent me back to the pharmacy though, was the draining loss of all hope. I'm tired of disappointing myself and others by continuing to sabotage every effort that I make to get well. I'm not sure what it is that I'm so afraid of, but I do know that I have to push past the fear instead of becoming paralyzed by the unknown. There is a comfort in slipping back to nothingness, but with each slip, I'm also finding a darkness that defies feeling empty and numb. My fear of what lies beyond the darkness is what will hopefully push me all the way through to the other side.

A Calm And Peaceful Place

It is 4:00 a.m., and I am mentally tired of being me. I cannot seem to find a calm and peaceful place, at least not for longer than a moment. Sleep comes and goes, but mostly I run on nervous energy, filled with unexplainable fears that turn my mind over and over until all that I want to do is cower into a dark corner and disappear. I had what I thought was a panic attack on the school bus at work on Monday afternoon. My heart began to race, and the bus felt as if it was moving at three times its speed. Everything was so loud, and racing by so fast. I literally wanted to crawl under the seat of the bus. What would the students have thought of that? This lady is in charge of us? Great! I just kept taking slow, deep breaths, and holding on to the serenity charm that my therapist gave me. When I called to tell her about it, she said that it sounded more like a manic episode than a panic attack. My meds are being adjusted right now, and all I want is to be normal, whatever that is! She thinks that I may be a little bi-polar. Is there such a thing as a little bi-polar? My list of craziness is growing~ ptsd, depression, bouts of ocd, anorexia, dissociation, panic attacks, and now, manic episodes which could indicate that I'm bi-polar...Jeesh!

My husband just came downstairs to check on me because he is worried, but his worry feels more like anger. It all just makes me feel so guilty for putting him through all of this, and if I could control it, I would. Anyway, that is my crazy morning rant for the day. I would still rather be this way than depressed and sleeping all of the time. Really, all I want is to be calm and steady, without the racing thoughts, but to still have energy. Writing seems to be the only way to sort out what goes on in my mind. Of course without the writing, my house would probably be spotless like it used to be! Oh well... Time to get ready for work.
On that upbeat note...

Hope everyone has a wonderful day:)

Everything

Everything

You ask of me
"What am I to you?"
Don't make me say
out loud
As if only
I could shout
Sun, wind, stars
Mother, Father, friend

You keep
the panic
from creeping
up my throat
like wayward
vines
that threaten
to choke
And in
the darkness
of my mind
your voice
finds me
softly
Soothes me
when I fear
I've lost
my way

So, when you ask,
"What am I to you?"
as I stare
silently
at the ground
Take my hand
and feel
what I
can never say
Sun, wind, stars
Mother, Father, friend
Everything

Angela Minard 2008

I'll Never Tell

This is for Jenny at artconstellation

It doesn't matter
if they say,
"Do not tell."

It is our hearts...
Pieces of our soul
that give warning.

I'll Never Tell

The pressure
of fingers
Their hands
around my throat

You tell
and we'll kill you
"You liked it
you know"

I hear
their voices
from deep
Deep inside
my head

I smell them
all over me
Stinging fear
salty tears

I feel their rage
Urgent
and angry
Warm breath
Whispered hate

I want them
off of me
Their blackness
surrounding me

Oh, I'm disgusting
So disgusting
Did I tell them?
"You liked it
you know"

I'll
never
tell

Masquerade

Maybe sleeping through the night is a thing of the past. I wake up in a panic, as if I have something of great importance to do. It is an elusive feeling. I grasp blindly, but it slips away before I can figure it out. I feel this pressure now that I am home. All of these expectations about who I have become...I'm not there yet, and maybe these are just my own interpretations of who I think everyone else wants me to be. I'm used to wearing a mask to hide my feelings, and that is still difficult for me to let go of. There is this lump in my throat~tears unshed, and I know that soon they will pour out and take everyone by surprise. Not me. I'm expecting them.

Surfacing

Surfacing

Underlying panic
an overwhelming urge
to scream
tasting metal
on my tongue
awaken
not a dream
shaking silence
tears within
hidden
down below
hush
don't cry
hold it in
nobody must know

Angela Minard 2007