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Sunday, January 25, 2009

Home Sweet Home

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...So I took an entire bottle of Xanax(60 pills) and ended up in the ICU, and then on the psychiatric floor of a hospital for 6 days. If I'm nothing else, I am honest here in this blogging world, and that is why I have been missing in action for the past week. Definitely not my proudest moment, and something that I will regret for the rest of this life that I have been so privileged to live. A panic attack, depression, and anxiety got the better of me, and I behaved irrationally and impulsively. I had a panic attack while trying on clothes during a shopping trip. I went home feeling hopeless, defeated, and filled with thoughts of self loathing and disgust. I don't remember it, but I did reach out to my therapist by e-mail and told her that I had taken an overdose. She contacted my husband, who then took me to the emergency room. Suicide is such a selfish act, and I feel sick about hurting and worrying my family and friends in this way. I never meant to hurt anyone else in this...I just wanted the pain to end. I have had a lot of time to think while in the hospital, and I never plan on attempting anything like this ever again. I want to be stronger than this eating disorder and depression, and strong enough to bury the pain of the past. I have been given a second chance, and I plan on making the most of it...Here and now...One day at a time.

23 Comments:

Jane Doe said...

My heart goes out to you. I've been hospitalized several times for the same reason. I wish you all the best.

Jane

Francis Scudellari said...

I can only imagine that kind of pain (I've lead a mostly blessed life), but I'm very glad you're back home with your family. Second chances are wonderful things.

Jodi said...

I also suffer from panic attacks, but not the depression as bad. I am so sorry and my prayers are coming your way. God bless.

Jodi

beauty said...

I'm so sorry to hear of this, Angela, and relieved that all turned out well and you are back with your family.

I too used to get panic attacks, but not to that extreme.

I wish you and your family the best as you recover from this.

PinkLady said...

OMG Angela I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. I wish I can be with you to lend you that much needed support. I know how terrible it is to go through panic attacks and depression. I almost killed myself too.

But please be strong... pretend if you have to. Eventually you'll be able to convince yourself that you are indeed strong and resilient and even adopt it as YOUR OWN TRUTH.

I don't know if you read the Bible but there is a verse there that helped me while I was going through the same painful journey. I have not really told many friends about it but you have inspired me to share it with you (and perhaps to everyone else in my blog in my next post).

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as YOU will." - Matthew 26:39, NIV

That became my MANTRA every time I had those panic attacks. That even replaced the anti-depressant and sleeping pills that I was prescribed with (at that time I could not afford to get groggy and drowsy while waiting for ANY word about James' disappearance.. a telephone call for ransom demand might come anytime). It didn't solve my problems but it surely made me feel much better somehow.

Reciting it in my mind over and over again calmed me down. That was Jesus' prayer when He was having His own anxieties and panic attacks at the Garden of Gethsemane. Believe me, it is a very powerful prayer.

Please try this prayer. You won't lose anything by trying this strategy in your daily struggles. If it helps, please tell me and help me spread the word.

My prayers are with you, Angel. Will a hug from me help for now?

Much Love,

Bing

LUCKYLADY said...

My panic attacts were getting worse my doctor put me on paxil at night and xanax during the day the paxil will help I guess I will never be well but better I can not go anywhere by myself for fear of having one read my post today thats what got me through the cancer the panic and lots more

Jill said...

I can relate to the feelings of absolute hopelessness. I hope that you are able to find something that you can hold one to. Something that will give you new life. You're not alone in your struggle for freedom, so many of us are out here suffering too, feeling that same pain. But there is another world out there, a free world and a happy world. My hope is somewhere through your path you will get a taste of this and desire more. Recovery isn't fun but the life waiting is. May God bless you with hope and courage to continue on.

Cashmere said...

Always remember that there are people around you.. Suicide is never the answer to problems.. and they will hurt the people around you more. Talk it out with loved ones.. They'll provide a better support and answers than pills. I hope you get well soon.. :)

Cammy said...

Words truly aren't enough in some situations, Angela. You are in my thoughts, please hang in there don't stop fighting so that you can become just as precious to yourself as you are to so many others.

Mizé said...

Sorry to hear what happened.
Although I don´t comment much, I read some of your posts and I did miss your logo in my EC inbox...
You´re thinking right now. Strengh comes from the inside, one day at a time. Wish you all the best.
Mizé.

themuseasylum said...

I am happy you are still here, Angela.

I understand how someone can get to that place; I've been there myself. What helps me, sometimes, is to repeat over and over to myself that feelings are transitory, they WILL pass. If I can just hang on for a little longer, I will not feel so bad. Not good, but not as bad. And I won't be in danger once the feeling passes.

Please don't get too down on yourself because of hurting the people you love (the people that love YOU). Yes, what you did hurt them, but if you hold onto that, it will hold you back. You are alive, and that is the most precious gift you can give them. Guilt doesn't help us; just hold on to your resolve to keep moving toward recovery.

I read your blog a lot, but I'm not much of a commenter. But today, I wanted to let you know that I am out here, and I care.

Lindsay

Dolly's Diary said...

Hi Angela,
I am so sorry for what you went through. I also suffer from panic attacks but take medicine for it. I am so glad the Grace of God was with you that day. He will keep you strong and at home where you belong. I would give you a big hug right now if I could.
Take Care
Janet

Heather said...

I am so sorry that you had such a hard time! I'm thankful that your therapist and husband worked together to help you. Don't worry about what decision you made before- just focus on the "here" and "now". I'm going to follow your blog- you can follow mine too, if you want! I've been suffering from severe postpartum depression and anxiety with OCD features, so I can sort of relate. *hug*

PinkLady said...

Angela, I have an old post in my blog which might be able to help you somehow... Please read it when you have time.

http://pinklady-bing.blogspot.com/2008/11/praising-in-desperation.html

Yes, take one day at a time and say to yourself: "THIS TOO SHALL PASS!"

Angel said...

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and compassionate words of wisdom. I feel so blessed to have a second chance.

kreations said...

I hope that you get the help that you need.
I think that is great you are being honest.
I am sorry for your pain.

KAT said...

I am so glad that you are one of the lucky ones who get to have a "second chance" ! You showed your strength when you reached out and asked for help by emailing your therapist....You knew it was the wrong thing to do, and you acted on it! Good for you.

Now, make good use of this second chance, and keep on showing your strength...you have it...you just have to believe in yourself.

There are so many people rooting for you, and that care, stay honest and true...and if you ever need help again...don't be afraid to reach out!!

I'm sending you {{hugzzz}}
Take care,
Kat

Youvegotmaille said...

You are so brave to share this. I have been there... I promise it does get better. *hug* for you.

Megan from Imaginif said...

I just want to hug you and thank you for your honesty, your bravery and your fight.
Now the therapist comes out in me and I wonder what you are getting out of continuing to give your perpetrators so much power.
You are intelligent, beautiful and a pleasure to read...I hope that you can hear that.
Mxxxxxxxxxx

JHS said...

I wish you love in your life, blessings from unexpected sources, and light to lead your way. A member of my family struggles with panic attacks and depression. It is very difficult for the entire family. So I have a tiny bit of insight into what you are dealing with and know that it is very, very hard for you. Please know that your fellow Compassionate Bloggers will be visiting your site to check in and sending good vibrations, prayers and intercessions.

JHS
Colloquium

Anonymous said...

How can you think about suicide when you have four beautiful children? How is it that WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE is more important than the children you love? Even in desperate times, the thoughts of them should be more important then anything about yourself. Where do you even start to explain to them that you were more concerned about your appearance than you were about loving them.

Life Works said...

Thanks for your article. Struggling with an eating disorder can cause profound isolation, fear and hopelessness. Because this illness thrives in secret, people with anorexia, bulimia and compulsive overeating hide their behaviours from those closest to them, hoping that no one will notice whilst hoping that someone will.
In order to begin the process of recovery, secrecy must give way to self awareness and honesty, and this can only happen in a safe, structured and caring environment.

I would also like to suggest a website with lots more information about eating disorders as well as addictions . www.lifeworkscommunity.com

Life Works Community Blog also gives a source of information and inspiration from some of the leading counselors at Life Works. Topics include: alcohol addiction and drug addiction, eating disorders ( anorexia, bulimia , and compulsive overeating ), depression and anxiety disorders , and compulsive disorders ( sex addiction , love addiction , gambling addiction , and codependency ).

http://www.lifeworkscommunity.com/resources/life-works-community-blog.asp

ascendmeawyay said...

I'd like to know how many pills you Od'd on was it 30 mg? and do you think if you had taken 90 pills you would have died?