Here and Now

My therapist wants me to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and I've really had to think hard about it. It was a difficult decision to make, because although I think that at times I do have problems with alcohol, I don't think that I'm an alcoholic. Of course, isn't that what all alcoholics say? I have been to meetings before when I was in treatment at Renfrew for my eating disorder, and I hated them. I was so anxious, and some of the men made me very uncomfortable. I found an all women's group in my area, so I think that I'm going to go on Saturday. For the most part, when I do drink, I think that I'm more of a binge drinker. Alcohol also tends to increase the likely hood that I will dissociate. I want to stop, because I do believe that it is impeding my recovery. I promised my therapist that I would not drink again, and she said that she would not keep me as a client anymore if I continued to drink. I value our relationship so much, and to lose her as ...

I'm struggling with what to write here, but if I could sum it up into three words, it would be: Secrets, Guilt, and Shame. Eating Disorders are all about secrets, shame, and feeling guilty. Guilt for taking care of my body, when deep down, I don't feel that I deserve it. I'm ashamed of the secrets that I still keep to hold on to this eating disorder. There are behaviors that I know I need to completely cease if I am to truly recover. Mainly those are the alcohol, and the purging. The alcohol is not something that I use on a daily basis, but when I do use it, it is usually for the wrong reasons, and it also triggers me to dissociate , which is never a good thing. The purging has become a replacement for the restricting, and I'm headed nowhere good with that, and it too, is very shameful and humiliating to admit. I had a session with my nutritionist yesterday, and we talked about the purging because I have had a particularly hard time with it this week. I keep telling her...

"Tree of Light" Artwork by Rita Loyd I'm at home for awhile writing some social stories and play scripts for my autism students, but I'm taking a break at the moment because I'm feeling very emotional. My therapist and nutritionist are out of town at the Renfrew Conference in Philadelphia, and it is this same time last year that I called them at the conference to tell them that I wanted to go in-patient. I feel like I have come so far, and not so far, all at the same time, which is a very strange feeling. I guess that there is a part of me that thought the eating disorder would magically disappear by this point, and that is so far from where I really am. It is still such a struggle, and maybe it was wishful thinking to believe it would all be gone by now. That is okay. I'm still up for the fight. This year's anniversary has just really hit me hard and it has taken me by surprise that I'm so emotional about it. Last year I was in treatment during the...

I'm tired of the eating disordered thoughts that constantly run through my mind. I wonder if they will eventually fade away, making room for more productive thinking. That is definitely what I am hoping will happen! I have been eating though, so that is an improvement. I'm not up to eating all of my meal plan yet, but I'm doing most of it. I'm still not great at breakfast or snacks, but I'm consistently eating lunch and dinner. The eating disorder likes to try to talk me out of these meals and it is a constant argument in my head, but I'm winning more often than not. I wish I could say that it feels good to win, but I'm not sure how I feel about it to tell the truth. It has been almost a year since my in-patient treatment at Renfrew , and the decision I made that I truly wanted to recover. I mostly wanted recovery for my family, and that is still true. I want to be able to want it for myself, but I'm not all the way there yet. I still have ambivalence, ...

A friend of mine that I was in treatment with at Renfrew wrote this poem Affirmations Measuring self-esteem Is never done accurately on a scale Of pounds and ounces Kilograms and grams Nor calories and miles So lose your tape measure And stop checking your bones Let go of the sick jeans And photographs embracing emaciation Say goodbye to that porcelain god Withholding regurgitated meals Vomitron and Starvathons are over Mirrors are not meant to answer questions like Who's the fairest of them all It's okay to be healthy It is not my duty to be ill I deserve happiness Life And recovery And that is exactly what I'm pursuing Fully aware that there will be slips Bad days And triggers in seemingly innocent affairs But I am more than willing to take the risk To let go of this disease Because I would rather have the chance to be happy Than live one more day in sharing my life with my eating disorder I have nothing to lose

This is something that I wrote a few days before I was admitted to Renfrew Center, which is an in-patient eating disorder treatment facility. It was also the night that I almost committed suicide due to the stress of insurance and health care issues. Today I am just trying to take each moment as it comes, but still, the emotion overwhelms me. I went this morning to have my lab work done. I have spoken with my supervisors at work, and now we are just dealing with the money and insurance issues. It is very hard not to feel like I'm a burden. This is going to wipe us out financially. I feel hopeful and hopeless all at the same time, which is very strange and frightening. I also feel such pressure from myself. My therapist says that there is no way that I can fail, but it is very hard from where I am sitting to see it that way. I do think about just ending all of this. I have never been in the place where I either want recovery so much, or I just want to give up. I don't have an in...