Thursday, November 5, 2009

A Hard Decision


My therapist wants me to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and I've really had to think hard about it. It was a difficult decision to make, because although I think that at times I do have problems with alcohol, I don't think that I'm an alcoholic. Of course, isn't that what all alcoholics say? I have been to meetings before when I was in treatment at Renfrew for my eating disorder, and I hated them. I was so anxious, and some of the men made me very uncomfortable. I found an all women's group in my area, so I think that I'm going to go on Saturday. For the most part, when I do drink, I think that I'm more of a binge drinker. Alcohol also tends to increase the likely hood that I will dissociate. I want to stop, because I do believe that it is impeding my recovery. I promised my therapist that I would not drink again, and she said that she would not keep me as a client anymore if I continued to drink. I value our relationship so much, and to lose her as my therapist would be devastating to me. I also want to do this for my husband and children. I know that it dissapoints my husband when I drink, and especially when I drink in secret. I feel so ashamed, but it would be even more shameful of me to continue such a damaging pattern of behavior.
Well, that is the latest news from me. It feels like there is always some hurdle for me to jump over, but I refuse to let alcohol control me anymore. I do like to have my control!

hurdles. Pictures, Images and Photos


Ann said...

This may sound strange because all the reasons you give for wanting to quit drinking sound very generous and thoughtful towards those you care about But, don't do it for them. You have to do it for YOU. I lived with an alcoholic for 21 years and I've been down that road. I know what it can do to not only the person drinking but to those who love them. I'm in your corner, rooting you on though. :)

clean and crazy said...

this sounds hopeful, a very hopeful post!!
personally i am excited for you!!

Angel said...

Thanks, Ann~ I understand what you are saying. You are right. I tend to want recovery from both the eating disorder, and drinking for other people above myself, but I really do want it for myself too. I'm tired of what it is doing to me, and I've embarrassed myself too many times to count. Thanks for rooting me on!

Saving Grace said...

"It feels like there is always some hurdle for me to jump over..."

Yes, I can relate to that!!! But what's telling of your strength is that you do jump over them!

I have been reading your blogs - you have a lot going on in your life...and you are courageous and inspiring.
Take care,

PinkLady said...

I am so happy at the way you have changed your outlook. ANGELA, it was only last September when I resolved to stop drinking ALONE at home. It took me years, believe me. It's never easy. We just have to believe in ourselves.

Blessings to you,

Bing :)

Angel said...

Thanks Bing,
That means a lot coming from you, and thanks for sharing your struggles with me. I appreciate that!
Take care:)

Raven said...

Good luck with your meeting! I always liked the women's meetings better than the mixed too. You can do this!

Anonymous said...

Take it from someone who knows first hand...if you have to drink secretly, if your behavior is changing enough that you are embarrassing yourself when you drink, if you are turning to alcohol to help mask the other problems going on in your life than you do have a drinking problem. Be careful and really listen to your therapist. This is not the first time someone who is treating you has threatened to drop you as a patient. Adding alcoholism to your list of already distructive behaviors is going to end your life prematurely and they see that, and they can't help you if you won't help yourself. Again, take it from someone who has been there...all the blogging and talking and repeating yourself is not going to make you better. You have to start making better choices and then actually following through on them. It's the only way you are going to survive.

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for awhile and as an observer I was wondering if you prefer the short responses that are always positive and supportive (and the majority of what you receive), or do you find the longer responses like what anonymous sent beneficial at all? I'm just wondering what you are looking for. You have said "I can't change the past, but I am in control of my destiny" so are you wanting people to gently push you that way and to remind you of those words when you get off course? Or do you prefer the majority of the responses that you get that simply are from people who are just here to be your cheerleader? I have hesitated to respond so as not to disrupt the flow of your blog or to offend you. You are correct that you cannot change the past, but I don't see you in control of your destiny and I'm curious if you are getting the support that you need to get you there.

a.k.a survivor of many things :)

PJ said...

your plate sure is full angela and you have a lot of work to do. i believe that you will accomplish what you set out to do. much love to you my dear friend...hugz!

Angel said...

I appreciate all comments that I receive. I do still feel that I'm in charge of my destiny. I haven't been great at making the right choices, but I want to recover. The road is just longer and more difficult than I expected. I feel like I continue to try though. I've had an eating disorder for well over twenty years, so the pattern of restricting what I eat is a well established behavior that I've always used to control feelings that I would like to avoid. It is harder to stop than most people understand. The drinking, I want to get control of before it really gets farther out of hand. My therapist has said that she will discontinue treatment if I stop taking my medications, or I continue drinking. I take those threats seriously because I know that she is genuinely worried and cares about me. It would be negligent for her to continue with treatment when I refuse to listen. I understand this, and feel very committed to changing. The eating disorder is what actually feels like more of a struggle than the alcohol. Anyway, I appreciate your comments and questions. Sorry this is so long winded:)

Angel said...

#1 Anonymous,
I have already admitted that I have a problem with alcohol, and I am listening to my therapist, and plan on following through with what I promised. That is why I'm going to the AA meeting on Saturday, and believe me, that is going to be very hard for me to do. I'm scared. Scared enough to attempt to fix this. Blogging continues to be an outlet for me, as does writing and sharing my poetry. You are right that I need to start making better choices. I'm pretty sure that I said that in my post. Thank you for commenting, and sharing your viewpoint.

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Anonymous said...

Keep jumping over those hurdles for now. Maybe one day you will just be able to step over them and not even notice they are there.


Poetic Shutterbug said...

Well I do not know much about the subject of drinking I do know how it can hurt families. I think you have to do what is right for you. If you are feeling guilty about drinking then you should talk to someone about it. It doesn't have to AA. The fact that you recognize it is getting over a HUGE hurdle. You really do inspire me at times and I wish you the very best.

Angel said...

Thanks Joanne~ I'm going to try the AA meeting, but if I don't feel comfortable, then I won't go again. I'm already not crazy about the religion aspect, and some of their philosophies, but I'm willing to give it a try for the support. I appreciate you always stopping by with your kind comments!