Practice Joy

I have been thinking about joy this week. Even the word "joy" brings about a shift in energy, doesn't it? I instinctively begin reaching, as if I could grasp that beautiful feeling, holding it close. I taught a few yoga classes today, and I read this quote throughout my classes. 

"Difficult times are your greatest opportunity to practice yourself into joy." 

~The Secret Scrolls by Rhonda Byrne

Does that mean you choose joy or happiness? No, not all of the time, or at least I don't think so...

I disagree with telling people that they can choose to be happy. It isn't a light switch that you can turn on and off, and no one would choose depression. Like anything you are striving for in life, it is a practice. Especially when I am in the depths of winter, and the shadows lengthen over me, I pursue those experiences and people that bring me joy. Close your eyes, and breathe joy; Taste joy, smell, joy, touch and remember those times of complete surrender. Anything you are passionate about takes practice. We may have an innate gift or talent, but it still takes refinement to excel in anything. Writing brings me joy. I can lose myself in the process, and is as healing and necessary to me as breathing. I often struggle to stay present. I am a worrier by nature, but the process of observation draws me into the present moment. All five senses are activated, and I feel with the entirety of who I am. I not only see who I am, but everything around me becomes crystal clear as well. It is magical, and I don't take it for granted. I also forget...I fall into the darkness. My breath becomes shallow, I hide in dusty corners, and I forget the light, which is all of the joy I have ever known. It is a practice, this joy I speak of...

When you forget, make a "joy list." Pull it out in times of darkness. Close your eyes, and breathe. Remember joy, cultivate joy, and practice. Difficult times are a wake up call. 

Practice. Joy. 

"For hours, we lay in it, wanting for nothing, turning blades of grass into butterflies with just the touch of our fingers, whatever we imagined made real by our will and desire."

~Libba Bray

Sad Or Something

I'm sad, or something...
confounded feelings! 

I need a map to find my way through it all, 

and I would like it all to be explained in precise detail, 

and of course I can't allow myself to be...

I must pick it all apart, 

criticizing myself every step of the way. 

Along with whatever feelings I'm having also comes fear, 

as in, 

"What does this mean?" 

"Am I going to sink into yet another debilitating depression?" 

"How long is this feeling going to last?"

 I want answers, 

and I want them now! 

I'm the only one who has them, 

so I realize I'm not being patient with myself. 

I'm going to search for someone to hug, 

eat some dinner, 

which I've been avoiding, 

and not give into destructive behaviors. 

Back In The Swing

I wait for the darkness to lift, and slowly, slowly I can feel the light peeking through. The hiding of my depression comes so naturally to me, and it is a relief that most people cannot see it. I know that my husband can see the signs, but for the most part, I put on my happy face.It is the mask that I've worn for years. Hiding is a comfort, and although the silence is deafening to me, no one can hear. The isolation at times feels like a warm blanket.

I'm back in the swing of yoga, sometimes taking two classes a day. If it was any other form of exercise my nutritionist would worry about the excess. I'm going to a yoga workshop in May, which will be six hours of yoga and meditation. I'm really looking forward to it! The meditation and final relaxation of my class is becoming easier for me. I'm beginning to be able to slow down the racing thoughts. I hope to incorporate that into everyday life.

Work is also going well, but I've missed too many days due to this damn depression. I think the medication increase is helping. I know I will gradually get better as spring draws near. The warmth will seep into my bones, and my soul will once again unfold towards the light. January is always a difficult month for me. It is the anniversary of my suicide attempts, and not an anniversary that I want to celebrate, that is for sure.

Here is a poem that I wrote soon after my second attempt.

January

I'm not sure what made me do it

Finally

After years of morbid daydreaming

Never really contemplating

the finality

Only the illusion

that I would be free

Angela Minard©

I realize now that death does not equal freedom, and I'm grateful to be alive!

Self Care And Making Appearances

This has been the perfect day. I slept in until 10:00, and then hung out by the pool with some friends all afternoon, and tonight Dave and I are going out. It is summer days like this that make me so aware of how hard it is for me in the winter. The cold, the dark, and being cooped up inside all fuel my depression. I need to live in a warmer climate! Yesterday after work, I took two yoga classes, came home, ate dinner, and then slept like a baby. I'm learning how to take better care of myself and being able to listen to what my body needs. If it needs 2 yoga classes in one day, then heck, I'm going to listen. I've been waking up in the mornings, fixing coffee, and then doing some weights and yoga poses before I get ready for work. It is a nice way to start the day.
Self care is a funny thing. I went for years obsessively exercising and restricting my food, but I thought that I was taking care of myself. I'm meticulous when it comes to my appearance. Isn't that self care? When does caring too much become harmful? I don't like to be seen or walk outside of my house without makeup. It is part of my perfectionism, and caring too much about what other people think of me. In therapy we talk a lot about hiding behind a mask so as not to reveal the truth about ourselves. I still care about my appearance, but it is ok for people to see me with bed head, or without my makeup. It is funny, but when Jenny, Eve, and Jessieh were here, I didn't even take a shower and fix myself up before letting them see me in the morning. It says a lot about how safe I felt with them. I'm even going to post the pictures of us from that morning even though I have some morning hair and makeup:)

Together



Jenny and I



Eve and I



Jessieh and I

Not Lost, Just Wandering

"You can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, girl, so cradle your head in your hands, and breathe, just breathe."

~Anna Nalick

Yesterday turned out to be a better day than I thought it would be. At least I didn't get hit, only swung at a few times. I know that working with me is an adjustment for this child, and that transitioning is hard for those with autism. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, and hope that the aggression will subside some after he gets used to me. The only problem is that I know that he was highly aggressive prior to my arrival. I don't believe that he should be in a classroom where other children especially could get hurt. Since I've been with him, he has already struck another child in the stomach, leaving a red mark, and we had to write a note to his parents. This is not okay in my opinion, but of course, my opinion doesn't really matter much. My supervisor told me to take it as a compliment that they give me some of the hardest kids, but a lot of good that will do me if I end up getting seriously injured. Oh well...enough complaining about my job! Let's see...what else can I complain about?;-)

Last night I had some seriously frightening dreams that I was hospitalized yet again. It was horrible, and I woke up feeling very afraid. I don't want to go down that road. I think that I have it together, you know? I can control the eating disorder, but not the depression. The depression takes hold with it's ugly grip, and I feel powerless, but right now, for all that I'm going through, I'm not really depressed. I'm more anxious than anything. I had a panic attack the day before yesterday while I was in my car, and it wasn't pretty, because I'm out of medication. I hadn't had one in a long time, so I didn't refill it. I know that I will get through this. It is just another difficult blip in my life. I've been through much worse, and here I still am. Maybe I'm not lost, just wandering.

Glimpses Of Light

"Everything felt fragile and freshly come upon, but for now, at least, my depression had stepped back, giving me room to move forward. I had forgotten what it was like to be without it, and for a moment I floundered, wondering how I would recognize myself. I knew for certain it would return, sneaking up on me when I wasn’t looking, but meanwhile there were bound to be glimpses of light if only I stayed around and held fast to the long perspective. It was a chance that seemed worth taking."
~ Daphne Merkin, “A Journey Through Darkness: My Life with Chronic Depression

I know what she means when she says, "For a moment I floundered, wondering how I would recognize myself." I feel like what I'm doing right now is trying to figure out who I will be without the eating disorder, and without this ongoing sadness. On the days when I feel like I'm moving forward, I can't help but worry that everything is going to fall out from under me. I seem to struggle so much with living in the present moment. Daily I have to remind myself to only focus on the here and now. You would think that I would have gotten it by now! I do see glimpses of light, and at times I do see how far I have come.
I had an appointment with my trauma therapist this morning, and we talked about the nightmares that I've been having about the rape. He thinks that through the dreams, I'm trying to resolve the missing pieces and scattered memories that I have. I find it difficult to ground myself after I awaken, and often it sends me into a dissociative episode. I feel so discouraged when this happens, and it also makes me feel ashamed. I'm embarrassed by what I view as a lack of self control. I have gotten so much better about using my grounding tools, but sometimes they still fail to keep me in the present, and that is very frustrating to me. I am safe now, but often in my mind, I don't feel very safe. Too often, I hide in my own shadows of fear, but I'm so tired of being afraid to live. I'm determined to get a hold on this and move forward.

Choosing

Dave just left to go play golf, and all that I can think about is getting back on the treadmill, even though I have already worked out. I want to stop my mind from racing around in circles, and have a bit of peace. I'm isolating myself today, staying in my room, catching up on laundry, and keeping away from the chaos that is a house full of teenage boys. Maybe the quiet is what is making my mind feel like a crazy persons. Isolating is never a good sign though, and I know this. I don't want one day to turn into two, and so on...I suppose that being aware is a positive. It means that I care about myself. I never want to spiral into the depression and self harming thoughts that I had only months ago. They are months that now seem so far away, and yet only an arms length away. The pain is tangible and strong sometimes, and come at moments that side swipe me. Like now, when all I want to do is give in and cry, about what I don't even know. I'm coping on my own, without the anorexia, although I still have strong thoughts of wanting the distraction of the disease back. Ahhh, the numbing obsession of it all still haunts and tugs at me, pulling me in two directions...to recover or fall into a dangerous trap. I'm choosing recovery, but it feels tenuous at times, like holding onto a frayed rope that is ready to snap at a moments notice. All of these feelings are to be expected I suppose, but nevertheless, maddening. At least for now the teariness has subsided. Writing is good for my soul:)

Unlock The Silence

Did you know that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will experience an unwanted sexual act before the age of 18? April is Sexual Assault and Awareness Prevention Month. Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted. Visit http://www.rainn.org/ for more information, to get help, or to donate.

My Weekend In A Nutshell

Here is what I wrote in my journal on Saturday~

I’m bored with myself today, and near tears for no reason whatsoever besides the fact that I’m feeling lonely. I talked with my mom and step-dad on the phone, and that helped some, but it also made me miss them. How I can feel lonely in this household of boys is beyond me, but I do. My husband is into March Madness, so he's not being very attentive, and I'm feeling sorry for myself. I think that maybe I’ve eaten too much for dinner, and feel close to the point of purging. In fact, I can think of no good reason not to. I think that it will make me feel better, although I know that it won't. Something needs to make me feel better. It is rainy here today and all that I’ve done today is laundry, cleaned a toilet, and gone to the grocery store. How pathetic is that? God, I’m sorry that this post sounds so depressing and horrible! Maybe instead of purging, I will walk on the treadmill. That would be much healthier, but still make me feel better. There, I’ve problem solved…good for me:) Okay, enough whining. I’m just going to get on with it, and look for some joy. It has to be around here somewhere.

Today, so far~

Yesterday was a waste, and so far today is also proving to be a waste. Of course, I’m the one who is wasting it, but I’m at a loss. I have no money to shop, everyone is involved in March Madness, which is literally driving me mad, and it is rainy and cold. All of the things that I can do are things that I don’t want to do like cleaning and laundry. For some reason, I’m feeling unloved even though I know that to be untrue. My perceptions are usually quite distorted, and I know this, but it doesn’t make looking through my eyes any easier. Speaking of distorted, I feel enormous and ugly. I think that I ate too much yesterday, and as I type, my kids are in the kitchen eating whatever they want. How wonderful would that be, to just eat without worrying yourself sick over it? Ugh, I need to snap out of this funk, and soon! Next week is supposed to be beautiful, warm, and sunny. I’m sure that will help me kick these blues.

*I think that this depression is from missing my anti-depressant for an entire week, but knowing this doesn't make it feel any better. I'm looking forward to Easter, and spending time with my family, and all of my nieces and their cousins. Some sunshine would help me a great deal, so look forward to some positive posts coming up soon:)

Strength

Ahhh, it's Friday! Although it was a short work week for me, it still felt long and slow. I'm dragging, and it doesn't help that I've been out of my anti-depressant all week. The pharmacy is having trouble getting it or something. I'm definitely feeling more down, which is to be expected, but I hate that I really am so dependent upon the medication. I know that the reality is that I will probably be on them all of my life, but it is irksome(that word makes me smile.) Anyway, the pharmacy called today, and my prescription is in, so I should be back to my oh, so happy self, very soon.

My therapy session on Wednesday was intense. We talked about how painful journaling has been, and we talked about how to deal with new memories. My way of dealing with any new memory has been to go back to the beginning and try to make some sort of sense out of what happened to me, but obviously that is counter productive because it will never make sense. It was wrong, and no matter what new information I have, it will always be wrong. I have to remember that I was not at fault, and that I only did what I thought I could do at the time to survive. My therapist tells me all of the time how strong I am, and I have a difficult time acknowledging those words. I don't feel strong now, but when I look back at the little girl that I was, I can see that she had so much strength and courage. I want to be able to own those words and apply them to the woman I am now. Most of the time, I feel like I'm a failure because of the ways in which I cope with the pain. The eating disorder, the suicide attempt, the alcohol abuse, the depression...those things make me feel like a failure. All that I can continue to do is to work on those things, and hopefully one day soon, I will find and feel the power of my own strength.

Open Arms

It has been a month since I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital with severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Those thoughts were like a broken record running through my mind until I thought I was truly insane. There is nothing darker than the dream of dying. It feels strange to be able to smile, and say that those thoughts are far away. I can laugh and feel real joy now, knowing it is not the fake smile that I often hide behind. I can’t tell you what has changed in me, and I fear that the darkness will return without a moments notice. I’m eating again. That has changed. Poor nutrition played a big part in my depression. I was hopeless and powerless in the face of my eating disorder. I have to fight it every minute of the day. There is always the voice that says I’m not worthy of living a happy life. It is hard to find the positive attributes in myself. I rely on others to mirror my beauty back to me, instead of looking at my own reflection, and seeing it in myself. I still fight the urge to lie, to skip meals, and to hurt myself, but now there is a larger part of me that longs for recovery, and longs to be heard. I’m working on finding the strength in my own voice. I worry that I haven’t hit rock bottom, and that I haven’t felt enough pain, because for so long I felt that I deserved the pain. I’m learning that I can’t project what tomorrow will bring. I have to constantly remember that all there will ever be is now, and now is what I need to live for. Ahhh, here and now is what I have dreamed of for so long. Embracing the moment, I will hold my arms open wide.

Combat

I’m sadly detached, as if I’m watching myself through a window. Everything is dreamlike and surreal, with the world spinning in slow motion, and yet I can’t seem to reach myself. I was hoping that some of the depression would lift. I don’t feel as hopeless, but I’m still feeling sad and despondent. I can’t pinpoint a reason as to why I’m feeling this way which is so frustrating, because I would fix it if I could. I’m glad to be at work, I’m slowly increasing my food intake, I’m going to all of my therapies, taking my medications, and going to the addiction recovery meetings. I’m doing what I can to take care of myself, but still this sadness hangs over me. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m hoping that the warmth and sunshine of spring will pull me out of this darkness. I always seem to lose hope in the midst of winter, so maybe the grey, dreary days wear me down, making me more susceptible to depression. I just don’t want to go through another winter like this. I need to find a way to combat these feelings and be proactive when they begin to come around. Maybe through all of this therapy, I will be taught some ways to better help myself.

Hard Times

I'm not really sure that I'm up to blogging right now, but I'm going to give it a shot.
I've been struggling with some severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I dissociated on Wednesday night, and I guess that I went on a drinking binge, which I don't remember at all. My husband took me into the hospital and they admitted me to the psych ward for a five day stay. I've also relapsed with my eating disorder which has me feeling sad, depressed and guilty. I'm so ashamed about the worry that I've caused my family. I want to turn things around. I'm going to go to an outpatient addiction recovery program. It is three times a week for a few weeks. Maybe that will help with the drinking. I know that I need all of the support I can get.
I started on a new medication for depression, and hopefully that will help. I'm going to make a huge effort to eat better, so that I can get on the right track. I know that eating more will also help with the depression. I'm going to do everything that I can to start feeling better. My family deserves better than this, and so do I.

Just Snap Out Of It

The weather here is still dreary, drizzly, and cold. I sit here as I type, wishing for fingerless gloves. Yes, I would wear them:) I'm still struggling with the depression, but reaching out for help. My psychiatrist raised my medication dose, so hopefully that will help. Eating and more nutrition would also help my mood, and yesterday I did better than usual, but today it was back to restricting. The full feeling is hard for me to sit with, even though I know that it will pass if I give it time. I just didn't want to go through that today. My nutritionist weighed me on Wednesday, and I've lost weight, although she wouldn't tell me how much. That is fine. I already knew I had lost, and though the eating disorder is thrilled by this, there is another part of me that is afraid. I'm afraid that I won't find my way out of this, ever. I'm afraid that I will always be ruled by weights and numbers, food and calories, the mirror and my distorted mind. I'm really going to try to eat more this week. If I can focus on the holiday's and being connected to my family, I think that will help. This is my last week of work before Christmas break, and my parents will be here on Saturday. I can't wait to see them, and I know the boys are excited because they keep asking when they are getting here. We still haven't decorated or put up the tree, but it will definitely be done tomorrow. I can no longer put it off, and I just have to snap out of these blues.

Snap!

On The Inside

It is as miserable outside as I feel on the inside. The days have been cold, wet, and grey, so it is no wonder that I feel depressed. I hate winter in Kansas, and the worst part is that it has only just begun. I long for either bright, sparkling snow, or clear, golden sun, and blue skies, but that doesn't happen here much in the winter. The lack of light saddens me. I see my psychiatrist in a week, so I'm thinking of asking her to raise my anti-depressant dose. As much as I hate being on medication, if I'm going to be on it, then I should at least be feeling better than this. It is difficult for me to get into the Christmas spirit, but I'm trying. I've been knitting scarves for my mother and sister-in-laws to give as gifts, and I've also sold a couple at work. My fingers are getting tired, but the knitting is relaxing, and it actually helps to calm my racing thoughts. I can't seem to concentrate for long enough to watch television or read a book without my mind getting in the way. My thoughts aren't even whole, complete thoughts, but fragments, and flashing images. I'm also going to talk to my psychiatrist about this, because it make me feel close to insanity, and it can't be normal. I just don't want to fall into the deep depression that I was in last year at this time. I can feel myself sinking, and I want to catch it before it gets that far. I'm glad that I can recognize the symptoms, and reach out for help. If lasts years suicide attempt has taught me anything, it is that I'm not alone with this. This time I'm going to use the support.

Reaching Out

I'm feeling good about how well I took care of myself yesterday, and today is a much easier day. I was able to reach out for help, and talked to my entire support team about what was going on. I struggled with food, but I was able to make myself a smoothie late in the afternoon, and I was also able to eat dinner. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I did many things to distract myself. I went for a walk, went to the grocery store, painted my nails, cleaned up the house, did laundry, listened to music, and watched a really funny movie called Confessions Of A Shopaholic, which I really enjoyed. It made me laugh, and that is what I needed to lift my heart up and out of the darkness of the past. Blogging and expressing my feelings also helps me to sort things out in my mind and gives me a plan of action. I'm so glad that I have this outlet!
Today has been nice and relaxing, and tonight we are going to spend the evening with Dave's family. His sister and uncle are in town, and tomorrow we will be celebrating his moms 70th birthday. It will be a fun and busy weekend filled with family which is just what I need right now. Later tonight Dave and I are also going to listen to a friend of his who plays in a band, and meet up with some of his old high school friends. I'm looking forward to that since we don't often go out without the kids. It helps so much to have activities and plans that will keep me busy and get me out of the house. It is easy for me to start isolating myself, and that never leads to anything good.
I want to thank everyone who has been reading and offering their support and encouragement. It helps a great deal to know that I'm not alone with many of my feelings, and that others have shared the same problems that I'm going through. I'm feeling stronger everyday!

On The Right Path

I'm back on the trail, walking with purpose, winding my way again towards the light.

I went walking again this morning with my neighbor. Although I like walking alone better, having someone to hold me accountable motivates me to actually get out there and do it. There is a beautiful wooded trail that runs directly behing my house, so it is very convenient to be able to step right outside my back door to get some exercise. I'm already feeling much better, and to be honest, I'm proud of myself for quickly recognizing where I was headed, and doing something about it before it became too dark. Depression has a way of sinking into your bones until you literally become paralyzed, or at least that is how it feels to me, and I refuse to let the rest of this summer slip away from me in that way. There is entirely too much to enjoy and live for. Depression robs you of all the small joys in life that should never be taken for granted.

Yesterday I got such a kick out of my two youngest boys, who are 12 and 13. They had a friend over and decided to get out their video camera. They dressed up in crazy outfits and walked up to Walgreen's and filmed themselves shopping. They had such a great time and came home so that they could put their cinema mastepiece on youtube. They were cracking up at themselves!

I'm enjoying the summer being home with my family, and with the boys growing up so fast, I don't want to miss out on a single moment of time spent with them, although lately, it is mostly time spent observing them. That is okay though. I'll take what I can get!

Feeling Down

For the past few days I have been feeling the familiar pull of depression and I have no idea why I'm feeling this way. I'm taking my medications the way that I'm supposed to, so it is frustrating to find myself so down. I can't even explain this to anyone, so I feel terribly alone, and that is what makes me want to isolate myself even further. I don't even want to talk to my therapist about this, because I've been doing so well. I don't want to disappoint anyone. She will tell me that maybe I'm afraid to get better, and maybe that is true. I don't even know anymore. I do know that I get so tired of this. Tomorrow I am going to do everything that I can to pull myself up and out of this pit that I've fallen into. Getting up and out of the house is hard when I feel like this, but I am getting up with my neighbor to walk first thing in the morning. Exercise always seems to help. I was supposed to go this morning, but all I did was lay on the couch all day. I feel so disgusted with myself. I do know that I have to get a hold of this before it gets out of hand. I'm not going to let depression control me like it has in the past.

The Scale

I wrote this poem after a really difficult day. I think that sometimes the eating disorder talks me into believeing that the smaller I become, the less pain and hurt I will feel. I have to remember that although engaging in ED behaviors does numb my emotions, it also numbs the good feelings, and I do not want to go back to that.

The Scale

Weighing the choices
in each hand
always weighing...
always measuring...

I taste the hunger
rancid on my tongue.
A bitter longing to return
to the gnawing emptiness
that throbs behind my eyes.
Believing that the pain
will disappear
if I disappear

Angela Minard 2009©

School's Out

Well, the last day of school has finally arrived, and I'm so excited about my summer off that I can barely contain myself! This past week has been so busy for me. We made it through Christian's graduation, but just barely. It was a frustrating evening. He had a girlfriend over that afternoon, and he took her home and then didn't arrive back until a half hour before he was supposed to be at the school. He got ready, and we were so rushed that we couldn't take pictures before we left. We drove all the way to the school and then Christian realized that he didn't have his gown, so we had to drive all the way back home to get it. Dave and I were about ready to kill him! We made it through though, and now he is officially a high school graduate. He still has a lot of growing up to do. I'm glad that he isn't going away to college yet, because I know that he just isn't ready for that.
All this week, my friend Jackie has been here visiting from Florida. She drove her Harley all the way here, and we had such a good time. She is someone that I actually met through Myspace, and we just connected with each other. She has recovered from an eating disorder, and is such an inspiration to me. When I would think that it was impossible to recover, I would always think of her, and know that it could be done.
Right now, I see the whole summer stretching out before me, and I'm so relieved to be finished with work for awhile. It was a really rough year emotionally, and hard to work through all of it. Going to work the week after my suicide attempt, and then working through months of depression was so difficult. I'm not even sure how I made it, but I'm grateful that I did, and now I'm doing so much better. The depression has lifted, and although the eating disorder still rears it's ugly head, I'm in a good place right now. I'm so ready to enjoy this summer and make the most of it.