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Saturday, December 12, 2009

Just Snap Out Of It

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The weather here is still dreary, drizzly, and cold. I sit here as I type, wishing for fingerless gloves. Yes, I would wear them:) I'm still struggling with the depression, but reaching out for help. My psychiatrist raised my medication dose, so hopefully that will help. Eating and more nutrition would also help my mood, and yesterday I did better than usual, but today it was back to restricting. The full feeling is hard for me to sit with, even though I know that it will pass if I give it time. I just didn't want to go through that today. My nutritionist weighed me on Wednesday, and I've lost weight, although she wouldn't tell me how much. That is fine. I already knew I had lost, and though the eating disorder is thrilled by this, there is another part of me that is afraid. I'm afraid that I won't find my way out of this, ever. I'm afraid that I will always be ruled by weights and numbers, food and calories, the mirror and my distorted mind. I'm really going to try to eat more this week. If I can focus on the holiday's and being connected to my family, I think that will help. This is my last week of work before Christmas break, and my parents will be here on Saturday. I can't wait to see them, and I know the boys are excited because they keep asking when they are getting here. We still haven't decorated or put up the tree, but it will definitely be done tomorrow. I can no longer put it off, and I just have to snap out of these blues.
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56 Comments:

Ruth said...

(((((HUGS))))) Have you ever tried those meal-replacement shakes? Boost, Ensure, that sort of thing? Maybe that would help you get enough nutrition in without so much of the full feeling that upsets you.

Bing (PinkLady) said...

that's a great idea from ruth, angela.

i wish i can extend to you my sunshine. i wish i can make you feel its warmth right now. but just like ruth, all i can give here are my {{{hugssssss}}}.

i'm sure your parents' presence will make a big difference.

blessings to you, my friend!

Angela said...

Ruth, Yes I have tried those. I also make myself yogurt and fruit smoothies. That does help some with the full feeling, while still getting nutrients and calories.
Thank you and Bing for the hugs. They are most appreciated. I've already had a small bowl of cereal for breakfast this morning, so I'm off to a good start:)

Ann said...

Hang in there Angela. Enjoy your visit with your parents.

Wanda's Wings said...

(((((Hugs))))) I know you are struggling, but hang in there.

stigma no more said...

Hi Angela,
I hope you read my latest post on Stigma No More, it has to do with removing painful memories that may help you and myself along with so many others with our illnesses, that we all have. Hang in there I know how hard it is to fight those feelings of depression, especially now for me during the Holiday season without my mom's and for all of us in one way or another.
Take Care of yourself,
Janet :)

Lenox Knits said...

Reading your blog and seeing someone struggling with an eating disorder on the other end of the spectrum is so fascinating to me. I too am trying to turn over a new leaf this week. You mentioned that you were off to a good start by eating a small bowl of cereal. My turning point was yesterday when I ate almost an entire box of cereal. I felt so terrible about myself, and after my husband gave me another guilt trip I am really ready to commit to being more healthy.

He calls these times my Elvis periods which I hate. But I just get so out of control so I understand his analogy. Sorry to unload on you. I find your blog to be a safe place to talk about things I just don't say anywhere else.

Angela said...

I'm glad that you feel like my blog is a safe place:) Binge Eating Disorder is just as damaging as any other eating disorder, and it doesn't help if your husband shames you for it. Some people eat when stressed for comfort, and the holiday's are hard. I tend to restrict to numb my emotions, and I think binging accomplishes the same thing. For the time that you binge, you forget everything. It is a quick fix. I'm sorry that you are struggling. Have you thought of getting help?

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