Here and Now

Returning On this day I give to you Love  as I know it from what I have learned along the way My heart  and what extends outward seeking  without knowing Somehow holding you always in a warm embrace On this day  searching ends We have returned... Angela Minard 2016© Artwork by Pier Toffoletti

When I teach yoga I am realizing that I don't want to be anyone else  and as a newer teacher  I'm still refining my "voice"   I'm sure that will always be the case as hopefully we are continually growing and changing  I stumble and sometimes I'm surprised with what comes out of my mouth There are moments of WTF did I just say?!!  and times when I say something so profound that even I sit up and take notice  thinking "Wow, I really needed to hear that today!"  It is all okay  because I need to remember that it is not my class anyway I am simply a guide My students teach me so much more than I teach them  When I stumble it is usually because I want the class to be whatever my version of "perfect" is Trying to be perfect never works out to my advantage  We are the one who gets in our own way Last night teaching felt especially satisfying I was at ease and had decided that I would give a...

Remember This I imagine radiating joy as the winter sun pulses dazzling crystal blue sky vast and cloudless I imagine your spirit smiling on the inside as the warm bubbles tickle; rising from your belly  into my heart before gently emerging  dancing across your face This...This...This... swells within my heart; breath catching vibrant and alive echoing into the silent, empty spaces Remember This... This... This... "I am not burdened by your feelings but rather honored that of all of the people in your life you choose me..." Angela Minard 2016©

Beautiful It is January and so she counts the days Three before the deepest sleep Safe with you for awhile she believes... Stepping into an early darkness   waiting in the parking lot aching She doesn't want to drive away Pausing for a rest within the emptiness She is tired and may not survive  the days in between "Describe my face." "Tell me what you see," you encourage but the words do not come  Your eyes;  the soft color of moss growing along the roots of forest trees in the spring Your mouth;  crookedly amused or set in a straight line... Love  makes everyone extraordinarily beautiful She wanted to tell you Beautiful... Angela Minard 2016©

I have been thinking about healing and yoga and love... Always love I cannot practice without intention I set an intention before every practice and most of the time it is simply to be present with my breath From the beginning I needed change and devotion and love I found all of those things through yoga but also within myself Self love has been the most difficult but I am learning  I want everyone to love me... Today my friends son told me he didn't like me He is five and yesterday he liked me just fine During savasana all of a sudden my eyes flew open wondering why he didn't like me!  I'm the child sometimes... It is normal to seek to search and to reach in all directions How exactly does this work? I want to do it right... to be perfect but perfect is never how we grow and so it works best when I find compassion for my weaknesses grace in the midst of making mistakes and love for all that I am At ti...

I was chatting with a dear friend,  and she was asking me if I thought her yoga practice was not strong enough to join in a mixed level class.  It brought me back to all of the times in my life I have felt less than... often not enough,  and then again,  the devastating feeling that I'm too much.  I feel strongly that yoga is not at all about the poses,  but about the feeling.  I t is about filling the empty spaces with your entire being.  It is about expansion,  and gratitude.  It is about touching the pain with tenderness,  bowing to the hurt,  and honoring those spaces with grace.  Yoga is union with your inner self.  The self you doubt is the self that needs your light.  "Grace flows only where there is an opening. It pools at obstacles, waits with infinite patience, it never trespasses where it is not free to go. Yet, a single sorrow healed, and Grace floods thro...

"Hurt people hurt people." I don't know where that quote originated, but isn't it the sad truth? It is an endless cycle that continues out of anger and unspoken needs. We throw around the word "forgiveness" as if that will solve everything, but it doesn't erase the pain. The more compassion I have for myself, the easier it is to let go of the anger. The pain is a different beast. You have to befriend the pain, acknowledge it, and keep it company for awhile. This I am learning...I can't starve it away, or drink it away. I can't check out anymore. No...I have to be present with the pain, and that kind of makes me mad, and so I return to the anger. I reach for compassion and forgiveness toward myself, again so that I can soften the anger, soften my heart, and it is a process of coming back again and again to loving myself. I'm a novice at this, so I make mistakes. I lashed out in anger at someone that I love because they couldn't lov...

Sometimes we move through our days in survival mode,  and how in the world does that even happen?  It just does... This was my day I'm struggling... I haven't slept much, and when I do sleep, I have bad dreams.  Still, here I am, on the other side,  heartbroken.... Instead of a positive mantra, all I hear is, "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this." I CAN do this, but my energy is focused on these intense feelings of want.  I need to let go of wanting and needing because it only causes pain.  I don't truly want or need for anything.  I have everything, but I'm always searching for more.  It causes my suffering.  How many times have I said, "Let go of what is no longer serving you?"  This is what I need to do, but letting go is not what it seems to be.  It is not simple.  It takes time.  It takes more time than you will ever realize.  It will hurt It ...

I retreat, and often it is unconscious, unintended, and yet my body speaks before I am even aware that I've had enough. I'm physically and emotionally depleted, and the emotions are not negative emotions, but draining, none the less. Dave had an MRI last week, and after dozens of these in the last few years, it should be easy, but it isn't.  No, it isn't... What is strange is that at the time, I seemed to not give it a second thought...just another day...La La La..., and then a week later, Dave texts me that he read the report, and from what he gathers, the brain tumor hasn't grown at all! My heart contracts in my chest, jumps into my throat, and skips a beat.  I text back, trying to be the devil's advocate, suggesting we should wait to hear it from the doctor's mouth before celebrating. I may have held my breath, but I didn't go to that appointment with him for the first time in a long time, because I wanted so much to believe. It was good ne...

Full Slipping between shadow and light lucid dreams cool sheets warm pillows sun seeping between cracks in the blinds bouncing from floorboard to ceiling your breath so soft   I sigh... overflowing we swallow tears and rise wading in a river of sparkling stars between our toes cool moss thick winds blow short lived stormy summer skies swollen clouds swollen eyes swollen hearts we are full Angela Minard 2015© "Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass." ~John Steinbeck

Your Name You were lost in my ice storm Gleaming daggers dangling from frozen branches Your name like the wind  whispered in my mind My futile voice called out the suspension of breath hovering in mid air hidden within the sound of groaning trees Silently my heart loved you  the words  vanishing Angela Minard 2015©

At The Party There was this sudden realization...  My heart immediately jumping into my throat  searching everywhere asking strangers where you were but they did not know you... Perhaps I did not know you after all of this time? You reappeared like magic finding me in a panic sobbing like an abandoned child "I would never leave you." "Don't you know that by now?" Each day I have to believe all over again as if preparing for a devastating loss because I remember what it was like to feel you slipping away  Angela Minard 2015©

Anjali I offer you my heart over and over simply because I refuse to give up and although lifetimes may pass never to see your face Your heart will live forever within the stardust of my soul Angela Minard 2014© "Om Anjali" by Hannah Natali ~Peruvian mineral pigments on linen

I tell people how I feel, kind of... if I love you, I'm certain that you know it... on the other hand, if you rub me the wrong way, I would never say so.  Positive emotions therefore are expressed, and everything else... yep, I do all kinds of other things with those emotions, and almost always, those things are self destructive in some way or another.  I am apt to take the blame for situations that go awry, whether they are truly my fault or not. It is easier than sticking up for myself or arguing the point, or is it? Lately, I'm doing more sticking up for myself. I speak up more in my job. Hell, I do know what I'm doing! I'm tired of letting people bulldoze over me every chance they get. I can stand up for myself in a way that is respectful, but this approach is lacking in the general population. When I do speak up and express myself, I walk out of work with a much lighter feeling, even if it was difficult and uncomfortable. I learn everyday, better, and mo...

"Don't move the way fear makes you move. Move the way love makes you move. Move the way joy makes you move." ~Osho I have been thinking about fear for most of the day, and it began early this morning when I was practicing yoga with a friend. We were practicing the Ashtanga primary series, and we were in bakasana, also known as crow pose, and my friend floated effortlessly from crow into low plank, which is something I've been working on, but I'm afraid, and the fear doesn't make me move at all. After I read this quote, I tried to practice the transition again, hoping that if I thought loving and joyful thoughts, maybe it would happen, but nope, the fear was still there, and as I hovered in crow, my heart pounding furiously, I stepped one foot back, and then the other, as usual. I attempted three more times before calling it good, but I thought about all of the times in my life that fear had paralyzed me. I have no doubt that I will eventually master this...

I let all of my thoughts and feelings ruminate in my mind, turning them over and around, examining them in such great detail, that I often lose sight of the big picture. Not only do I do this with my own thoughts and feelings, but I also do it with the words and actions of other people, misinterpreting and twisting things so as to feel as badly as I can possibly feel about myself.  Maybe if I allow myself to believe that I'm nothing special, I can excuse myself from all of this hard work... Am I that lazy?  Yes, sometimes, perhaps... I know that I'm cared for by the way that it is shown, and that really is what matters. I make things more complicated than they need to be. I do such a good job of breaking my own heart before anyone else gets a chance, barely even realizing that I'm the one shooting arrows. I say "barely" because I am becoming aware that this is what I do. Maybe I use it as an excuse to disconnect, but now it hurts too much...

Family Pic 2007 I'm emotional tonight in such a beautiful way, and for many reasons. Our number three son (in the white t-shirt) just moved to college, and he is the first of our children to make this transition. He is a mere forty five minutes from our home, and it would definitely tug more forcefully at my heart if he were further in distance, but it still changes the dynamics of our family, and his constant presence will be missed. I have prepared myself for this inevitable moment since the day he was born, because that is how I am. A piece of me always knew when I had children not to hold on too tightly, because they eventually fly on their own. Today I learned that there really is nothing more rewarding than watching your child soar toward their own destiny, knowing that you helped to raise a kind and loving individual who will contribute greatly to this world. I'm proud of my son, and I'm also proud of us as a family. We have survived some tough times, but I ...

Count To Three Today I was thinking  about how much I love it when you call me "sweetie" or "babe" and the tears came I let them without stopping them for once for you... because I knew that you would want me to try to allow the feelings It hurt,  so I gave myself 3 seconds 1...2...3... I worry about telling you how much I love those terms of endearment because What if you were to take them away? And I cried 3...2...1... I knew that even if you were far way and I could no longer see you, or touch you, I could hear those words reverberating from my soul to yours forever...   Angela Minard 2014© "Only trust someone who can see these three things in you: The sorrow behind your smile, the love behind your anger, and the reason behind your silence." ~Unknown Image~ "The Atonement" by Anca Mitroi

Love Beside Me I think I must go to bed  feeling your arms as I drift safe dreaming of being loved waking  to love Touch gently outlining my days with warm fingertips soothing shadows The hushed voices of morning soft breath love beside me Angela Minard 2014©

    "Suddenly I realize that if I stepped out of my body I would break into blossom."  ~ James Wright   I find it difficult to be here, and as I write, I realize that I'm not only talking about my blog, but almost everywhere. I can't seem to finish a poem lately. The drafts are piling up because I stop writing when I can no longer inhale. I love my job, but sometimes when the kids I work with cry, I want to sit down, wrap my arms around them, and let our tears flow together. Yoga is the one place where I can find some peace of mind, but even there, I have to talk myself through at the beginning. This morning, at the beginning of class, we were all sitting together, eyes closed, and suddenly I couldn't take another breath, and my eyes flew open in a panic. I had to remind myself that I was safe. Flashbacks can come out of nowhere, stealing my breath.   Beauty also steals my breath...moments of pure love. I came home fro...