Saturday, October 26, 2013

The Sound Of My Breath

"Suddenly I realize that if I stepped out of my body I would break into blossom." 
~ James Wright
I find it difficult to be here, and as I write, I realize that I'm not only talking about my blog, but almost everywhere. I can't seem to finish a poem lately. The drafts are piling up because I stop writing when I can no longer inhale. I love my job, but sometimes when the kids I work with cry, I want to sit down, wrap my arms around them, and let our tears flow together. Yoga is the one place where I can find some peace of mind, but even there, I have to talk myself through at the beginning. This morning, at the beginning of class, we were all sitting together, eyes closed, and suddenly I couldn't take another breath, and my eyes flew open in a panic. I had to remind myself that I was safe. Flashbacks can come out of nowhere, stealing my breath.
Beauty also steals my breath...moments of pure love.
I came home from work one day this week, and I took my computer downstairs, and snuggled in next to my husband on the couch. He was close to falling asleep, his breath even and deep, and he looked at me and said, "I adore you." He said it with such sincerity and emotion, and he has never said those words to me before. Yes, he tells me he loves me, but this was much more. It is a gift that will last a lifetime.
His tumor is growing again. We found out last week, and I'm not sure it has hit either of us yet. It's not like we didn't know it was coming, but still...

We listened to his neurologist, and both of us always go, because it is better that way. We hear more...Anyway, there are limited and uncertain options at this point. Maybe they could radiate the tumor with the cyber knife, which would be less invasive, oral chemotherapy, or another craniotomy. We are waiting to hear from the radiology people about if the cyber knife is an option. Oral chemotherapy isn't usually very effective for this type of tumor, or he does the craniotomy, which his neurologist said would most likely leave him with significant neurological deficits. So, we are waiting at this point...  
We are blessed with so much support and love, and we will lean on that. I will be the strong one right now, because that is how we always do this dance. We are always each others strength. I try not to think any farther than the sound of my breath.