The Lie Of Perfection

Each fold and sharp crease between thumbnail and stark white paper

hisses with outrage

refined angles

cutting remarks behind a simpering smile

shooting baskets with the misshapen wads

aim and miss

each paper crane is formed from everything she was told she lacked

her many failures bent into the correct aesthetic shape

forced to acquiesce 

throbbing fingers crimp and tuck

seething warmth rising with each crumpled mistake

these messy pages tell her battled tale...

-the lie of perfection

Angela Minard© 

Artwork by Duy Huynh

Venus

Venus

I can't speak anymore

of truth

of pain

without my heart lurching 
into the hollow cave 
of my throat

I hear the reverberating echo

of hate

the bitter taste of poison 

on my lips

seething anger fills my belly

You talk and talk and talk

about nothing

while we all 

go hungry

Angela Minard 2016©

Artwork by annadittmann.tumblr.com

Scream

Scream

Outside my window

the white sky is marbled 

with veins of charcoal

A winter sky in April

From far away

whispered thoughts

drift over the stillness of my body

Startled by the sound of my name being called

I listen intently

holding my breath

until I finally realize it is my own voice calling

Clamping my mouth tightly closed

I breathe purposefully through my nose

in 2,3,4

out 2,3,4,5

until the urge to scream disappears

Droplets of rain occasionally tap the window

as the lyrics to a song by The Clash plays in my head

on repeat...

"Should I stay or should I go
Should I stay or should I go now?"

The rhythm is more upbeat than I feel

I feel 

nothing

but still the question

without a clear answer

So I wait...

continuing to breathe

in 2,3,4,5

out, 2,3,4,5,6,7

I reach for my phone

find your number

wait for the sound

Of your voice 

and eventually 

I scream...

Angela Minard 2016©

Where Success is Measured by Failure

Where Success is Measured by Failure

"Call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room..."

where no one will know you 

or your history

where you will have zero access 

to anyone you even half way trust

where you will be drugged into oblivion 

pharmaceutical numbness;

where you will miss work

and be forced to lie 

in order to keep your job

where you learn 

to keep your fucking mouth shut

vowing that if it ever gets to this point

again

you will succeed

Angela Minard 2016©

Artwork~ "Incomplete" by thuyngan.deviantart.com

Bruised

"Hurt people hurt people." I don't know where that quote originated, but isn't it the sad truth? It is an endless cycle that continues out of anger and unspoken needs. We throw around the word "forgiveness" as if that will solve everything, but it doesn't erase the pain. The more compassion I have for myself, the easier it is to let go of the anger. The pain is a different beast. You have to befriend the pain, acknowledge it, and keep it company for awhile. This I am learning...I can't starve it away, or drink it away. I can't check out anymore. No...I have to be present with the pain, and that kind of makes me mad, and so I return to the anger. I reach for compassion and forgiveness toward myself, again so that I can soften the anger, soften my heart, and it is a process of coming back again and again to loving myself. I'm a novice at this, so I make mistakes. I lashed out in anger at someone that I love because they couldn't love me in exactly the way that I wanted. I offered them my heart, which is soft, and easily bruised, and out of love and trying to protect me, they did the opposite of what they were trying to help me learn. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "The love you withhold is the pain you carry." When someone withholds their love after you have tentatively offered yours, the pain is twofold. Withholding has only two goals that I can see; either to punish the other person, or to maintain the balance of power, and no matter what the situation or context of the relationship, neither one of those reasons is right in my mind, and never will be. For now, I'm babysitting my pain with tender care, hoping for resolution and understanding, with the heartbreaking knowledge that I may have to walk away from someone who was pivotal in helping me to change my life for the better. If that has to happen I will most possibly be the strongest bitch walking the face of the earth. 

"Sometimes you search so hard for words. You look for a way to interpret the language of this heart and the unspoken bond you feel. But in the end you are left with nothing but silence. And deep down you hope it's understood."

~Yasmin Mogahed

No One Listens

No One Listens

We pack our emotions into used cardboard boxes

labeling them with permanent black ink

without tender care

no crinkled tissue paper

or newspaper print

We haphazardly toss them

tape them

and try to forget

We arrive at our destinations

slamming car doors

eyes to the pavement

seeing nothing

shoulders caving in on broken hearts

We stride in brightly

 wide smiles and cheerful hellos

fucking liars

hiding behind name brand clothing

make up

job descriptions

dressed up to sound prestigious

fancy fucking words

flow from our lips

We make it sound so pretty,

don't we?

Angela Minard 2015©

Artwork by~ Audrey Kawasaki

This Is Love

This Is Love

They will lie

pretending to care

perhaps believing their own chatter

 feigning interest

pretty made up stories

that you will dream about

with breathless anticipation

They will leave you dangling in mid-air

like a disjointed marionette

unable to wipe the sick plastic smile off of your aching face

They will tell you that "this is love," and "this is love,"

until love means nothing but silence, pain,

and empty promises

This is not love...

Angela Minard 2014©

Photography by~ Frank T. Zumbach

Avoidance?

My therapy and nutritionist sessions were hard this week, and I'm feeling discouraged. Everyone feels like I'm using avoidance types of behaviors, and that in many ways, I'm fooling myself into believing I'm fine, when really I'm not fine. It is frustrating for others to believe that you have a problem, when you can't see the problems for yourself. I feel like I'm trying to eat, but I'm still basically only having one meal a day. My therapist is not happy with my progress when it comes to food. I told her that I've eaten lunch instead of having Boost twice this week, but that doesn't seem good enough. I know that I'm not eating breakfast, and that my calories are still too low, but I'm afraid of adding more food. My weight has basically stayed the same for awhile now. My nutritionist says that my body is used to running in starvation mode, and that it will adjust to added calories. I'm not very trusting of that. I'm trying to change things, but people need to understand that I also need to go at my own pace. I have so many feelings that are bubbling just below the surface, and I know that it is only a matter of time before they break free. I have to feel like I have some sort of control over them.

Everyone also feels that my drinking is still a problem. I guess that I don't feel like it is a problem if I want to go numb every once in a while. It doesn't affect my day to day life. It doesn't affect my job. I don't even drink on a weekly basis. I promised my husband that I wouldn't drink alone or hide alcohol, and I will keep that promise, but I'm not going to stop drinking all together. If that sounds like denial, than so be it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a project that needs to be fixed. I need some space, and for everyone to back off. I feel like I'm okay. I'm not depressed or suicidal. I'm taking my medication like I should be. Yeah, I avoid my feelings at times, but it is painful stuff that I'm dealing with. Every day I wake up, and it isn't long before the ugliness hits me right in the gut. I want it all to disappear, along with myself at times. Is it so wrong to want that? I know that it will never go away, and that I can't change the past, but so what if I don't want to look it in the face every single waking moment!

Anyway...I just needed to vent a bit. I'm already feeling better. If you have made it this far, then thanks for reading:) Hope everyone has a great weekend!

My List of Wants

Wants~

• To listen and be heard
• To see and be seen
• To feel and be felt
• To make a difference
• To matter
• To live in the now
• To feel joy
• To grieve
• To trust
• To have faith
• To have self worth
• To nurture and be nurtured
• To move on
• To nourish myself body and soul
• To hold on
• To be held

Oh, the list is endless, but never the less, I'm working on believing that I deserve those things. I swallow my feelings instead of swallowing food, but I'm stuffed full of emotions that long to spill out, and I'm afraid that they will be too much for me or anyone else to handle. For so long, what I've really been working on is disappearing.

On Monday evening, I turned pillows into punching bags, and it felt so good, although I cannot pinpoint what triggered my anger. I suppose I have reasons for my pent up rage, but it surprised even me. I rarely show anger to anyone, instead I become mute. No one was around, so it felt safe to release it. Healing is exhausting, but slowly the weight is lifting. I haven't had flashbacks, panic attacks, or *dissociated in weeks. Now if I could get this eating disorder under control. My therapist says that it will be the hardest thing for me to let go of, and I think she is right. Most of me still doesn't even want to let it go, and I know that sounds sick and horrible, but it makes me feel safe for some reason that doesn't even make sense to me. I need to find the right key to fit the lock. All that I can do is to keep on searching.

* In psychology and psychiatry, a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events, which in severe form is known as dissociative amnesia.
The term dissociation refers to the act of separating or the state of being separated.

Feelings

My emotions bubble to the surface, often leaving me teary eyed and raw. I'm not even sure what these feelings are about. I've had therapy and nutritionist appointments along with the out-patient addiction recovery meetings which are three times a week. I have 4 more weeks to go. I'm already weary and feeling emotionally drained. Thursday night in the recovery group, I started to cry while I was sharing about my week. I don't even know what it was that made me cry. I have a difficult time labeling my emotions, and it is frustrating. That is a lot of what I'm working on in therapy, especially working on anger, which is the hardest for me to admit to or identify. I stuff my feelings down, restricting my food intake to numb and bury the feelings. Now that I'm adding more food to my meal plan, the feelings are returning full force, and it is scary. Most of the time though, the mask is on. I'm cheerful and smiling on the outside, while the pain on the inside aches all of the time. I do have hope that all of this will improve, and eventually I will feel better. It is going to take a lot of work, but I'm more than willing to do what it takes.

A Simple Choice

Why do I let the sick parts of my past take over the present, making me sick in the future? This is when I have the choice to make, and it’s really quite simple. “Go over to the refrigerator or the cupboard, and find something to eat.” I’ve been saying this phrase to myself all afternoon, the light fades, and here I still sit, with an empty stomach and a racing heart. There are days when I just will not do it. I can’t even find it in myself to get angry, and I wish that the indifference would frighten me. I need the anger to recover, and I need to eat to feel. It is a vicious cycle, and the kitchen is only a few footsteps away.

Silent Treatment

I'm feeling lonely. Everyone went to bed, but I'm still wired. I had so much to do when I came home from work, and it has been such a busy day. At school, we are getting a new student after the break, so I was busy getting materials ready for his transition. It is going to be a full classroom with five boys. The new boy sounds like a handful from what I've read about him, but aren't they all at first, until we get to work with them. I love the challenge of my job, but it will be interesting to see how the first week back will be. What am I already worrying about it for anyway?
This evening I've been getting the house ready for my parent's arrival, and now that everything is as done as it's going to get, I can't calm down. I'm running on empty, but I can't slow my mind down, and everything feels like a jumble of words running into each other. Oh well, at least I'm not depressed anymore. I'm excited to see my mom and step dad. My mom and I always have so much fun baking, and shopping. It will be a whirlwind until Christmas. In between all of it, I still have therapy, psychiatrist, and nutritionist appointments. I feel like if I miss them, then I may just fall apart. My therapist says that I have trouble needing people. I fear that I need people too much. I fear all of my needs, as if they are too much, and I should apologize for my needs. I told her that I was afraid that I needed her too much, and she always asks me, "What is too much?" I have no answer. I want to disappear into my silence, without bothering anyone too much. Always too much...
We talked about the rape in therapy last week. Dr. G.C. asked me when it was that I first felt angry about it, and I don't think I've felt anger about it yet. I've felt anger towards myself for so long...blaming myself. Isn't that strange? I can't seem to feel anger towards the boys who raped me. She also asked me when I first realized that I felt anger towards my dad. I think that I was around fourteen when I understood that we weren't important to him, and then I felt angry, but I have never had him around long enough to get angry with. I'm not good at showing it anyway. I'm good at the silent treatment when I'm mad, and that is why I cut him out of my life. That was my form of the silent treatment. I guess that when it comes to the rape, I direct that anger also at my dad because he didn't protect me when I was only a little girl. He let something so horrible happen, and it is hard to forgive. I'm trying, but it hurts. I talked with him on the phone for a few minutes tonight. He called again to ask me if I had thought about doing a therapy session with him. I think I will do it if Dr. G.C. will go with me. I'm scared to walk in there alone, but if I can confront him with my anger, I do believe it would help me to heal.

Feel The Joy

My dad has called a few times since I saw him at my grandpa's visitation. I programmed his number into my phone just in case I gather the courage to actually return his call. I was upset when I thought that he wasn't ever going to call, and now that he has, I'm not sure what to do. This is not me being spiteful towards him, or at least, I don't think it is. I do feel the need to protect myself from anymore damage or unintentionally hurtful words. Mostly I think it is what he doesn't say that hurts the most. He can be so oblivious and self absorbed, and although he is no longer drinking and using drugs, I don't think those qualities have changed. I don't need a father figure, because for the majority of my life, I've had an amazing step-father who more than filled those shoes. I ask myself what is it that I want, and I'm not sure. I know that being totally cut off from him by my own choosing feels wrong. He keeps attempting to reach out, and although I don't feel like I owe him anything, I do owe it to myself to try. It takes so much more energy to be bitter and unforgiving.
Therapy this week was very hard, but it was also a great session. My therapist is pushing me more to feel and get angry, and also to figure out why I'm so afraid of expressing my anger. I'm afraid that my anger will push people to leave. I'm also afraid of the intense emotions of others. I'll do anything to avoid conflict or confrontation. I usually just shut down, and become silent. In therapy, I'm learning to use my voice. We practice a lot, but my poor tharapist is taking the brunt of my anger at the moment. She points out to me that she isn't going anywhere just because I get angry with her. That is good to know. Right now, I'm pushing down some of the intense emotions that I feel by restricting my food intake, but I think even that is getting better. I'm making more of an effort to eat, even when I don't feel like I can. The hardest part of eating right now is contolling the urge to purge. The feeling of fullness is overwhelming, and I have to remind myself that it will pass if I can give it time. Being so filled with emotions is hard enough, and adding food on top of it can feel like too much to handle.
The next two weeks are going to be so busy with holiday activities. We are putting our tree up today, so that will help to get me in the spirit. My nutritionist asked me how the holiday's would be if I continue to restrict, so I need to think about that. Restricting tends to numb my feelings, even the good ones. I want to be present, and to enjoy Christmas with my family, so I'm going to make every effort to increase my food intake. I want to feel the joy!

An Uncontrollable Fury

Where did this month go? The good days, the bad, the days that I don't remember. The days that I don't remember confuse and worry me. There are days that I'm outside of myself, looking in, as if I'm a stranger. I awaken from a nightmare, and the day slips away into a distant, safe place, and even I can't tell you where I go. There are so many ways to numb my feelings, and I have managed to find most of them. I also don't want them to be taken away, and one by one, I feel that they are being stripped away from me, without my consent. I know this isn't true, and that I have a say. I have a voice that I consistently try to silence.
Everyone at work notices that I don't eat, and all that I feel is indifference. I don't even care to hide it anymore. It's not that I don't eat. It's just that it is mostly when no one is watching, and although it's not much, I do eat. I feel a sense of embarrassment that I need to eat, almost apologetic. "I'm sorry," I say to myself, and I am. So sorry.
Tomorrow I have therapy, and already I can feel anger being directed at my therapist. I recognize that this is transference of my anger at others being projected on to her. I'm so uncomfortable with this that I'm squirming just thinking about it. I've been dreaming up different scenarios in my mind about ways to terminate our relationship. I've never wanted to push someone away so much in my life. Everything feels like it is closing in on me, my emotions boiling just beneath the surface, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I can't do this, and I'm afraid that it is going to happen anyway. Deep inside, there is an uncontrollable fury waiting to combust, and the word that scares me the most, is uncontrollable.

Surrounded By Love

I've been missing here for almost a week. My emotions are everywhere, and so much has taken place since I last posted. First of all, my grandpa passed away last week. That wasn't really all that emotional. We were not close. After my parents divorced when I was eight, my dad's side of the family fell away. They did not stay in contact, even though we still resided in the same city. I struggled with whether or not to attend the visitation. I knew that my dad would be there, and I had broken ties with him ten years ago. He was a drug addict and alcoholic, and always very narcissistic and self serving. He never payed child support, and yet, always drove the latest Corvette. I did end up going to the visitation with my husband and children. My dad was there, and he cried, and went on and on about how he had changed. He credits his fiance' with helping him to turn his life around, calling her an "angel." Well, we were never enough to give him reason to turn his life around. He never once asked me how I was doing, a week has passed, and he has yet to call me. I'm not really surprised, but it still hurts, and I'm taken aback by the anger. It has come out towards everyone but him, because , as usual, he's not around to even get angry with.
I walked out of my therapy session on Wednesday. We were talking about the AA meetings, and how much I hate them. She insisted that I need more outside support than she could give, and I argued that I don't need group support. I ended up walking out, and then called her and said that I was done with therapy and my nutritionist. We talked later on that night, and worked everything out, but I still feel so much anger, with nowhere to direct it towards. I am finished with AA though. It is just way too religious for me. I'm really private with my faith, and feel like it is a very personal relationship that I don't want to share with others. Tomorrow I am going to a different addiction support group called SOS, or Secular Organizations for Sobriety. It " maintains that sobriety is a separate issue from religion or spirituality. SOS credits the individual for achieving and maintaining his or her own sobriety, without reliance on any "Higher Power." I hope that I will feel more comfortable in these meetings, even though I'm still not convinced that I need group support.
I'm doing horrible when it comes to food and the eating disorder. I'm continuing to lose weight, which is very triggering in and of itself. I'm actually hanging on to the E.D. for dear life at the moment. The less I eat, the less appetite I have. My hunger cues are non existent. Today I have managed to drink some orange juice, and only because I was light headed. Food just doesn't feel safe. I'm overwhelmed with feelings, and without the eating disorder to help reign them in, I don't know where I would be. Thanksgiving is going to be hard. It is too much food to even contemplate! I miss my mom and my step dad, and I'm looking forward to their visit during the Christmas holiday's. I need to feel surrounded by love.

Therapy Anger Update

Last night I went to my therapy session all fired up and filled with anger. Yes, I think that some of the anger is misdirected, but I let my therapist have it anyway. Instead of returning my anger with her own anger, she was very willing to talk things through, and was actually very proud of me for not keeping all of those emotions inside. That is what I usually tend to do. I am angry at myself for using alcohol as self medication, and I do agree that the behavior needs to stop. She did agree that I am not an alcoholic, but she is concerned with my drinking at all because of the medications that I'm on. She did want me to try a few more AA meetings, but it is not a stipulation for her treating me. She will still see me even if I decide not to go. I also told her that it hurt my feelings that she would want me to take such a strong medication to try and control my behavior. She apologized, but was thinking that if it detoured me from drinking at all, then it might motivate me. I know that is why she is doing all of this, but I never think that threats work, and it just reinforces the idea that I'm not allowed to make mistakes, and must be perfect at all times. I do see her side, and want to work this out. She is very important to me, and to terminate the relationship would hurt me deeply. I'm going to stop the drinking for awhile. I do not promise never to drink again. I want to be able eventually to drink socially again, or to have a glass of wine or beer when I want to, but I do agree that while I'm trying to recover and deal with my past abuse, that it needs to stop. I am going to ask for my husbands support, and also ask him to stop drinking in front of me while I'm not drinking. I know that he isn't the one with the problem, but it makes me angry to see him drinking when he doesn't want me to do it. I know that I would do it for him if the situation were reversed. So that is it for now. Tonight I see a different therapist to discuss more of the rape trauma and dissociation. I'm nervous about talking about it with someone new, although I have seen this therapist for family and and couples therapy, and feel comfortable with him.

I'm not doing all that great with food, but some dinner usually gets eaten. I feel overwhelmed with all that I need to work on, but hopefully things will get better soon.

One More Hurdle

Sometimes I get so tired of the voices in my head. That sounds crazy doesn't it? The voices...but they do drive me crazy. The eating disorder, the negative self talk, the reframing of the negative self talk...it just goes on and on! I've been learning to meditate, and when that works, it helps a great deal. Yesterday I needed so much to get out of my own head, so I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes. I try to visualize a safe, beautiful place in my mind where I can go, and for the first time in days, the chatter stopped, and I could simply be. It was nice, so I need to try to do more of those types of exercises. We did a lot of visualization exercises when I was in treatment for my eating disorder, and it really does work if you can let go, which is easier said than done. I really need to find a yoga class. I was going to try the kick boxing, but I think yoga would help me to feel more connected to my body. I feel so uncomfortable with my body though, that even going to a class intimidates me. I'm trying to get past those issues, but it is hard. I guess if I can get into a swim suit in front of other people, then I could do yoga in front of other people. I need to keep jumping over those hurdles.

Eating has been hard for me since going to the pool in my swim suit. I'm not sure why. There are just a lot of negative voices in my head. I've skipped some meals, but nothing too horrible. I'm trying to get back on track. I feel fat, which my therapist says is misplaced anger. I find it difficult to see that because I don't feel particularly angry. I guess that the anger I have is easier to direct towards myself, and when I feel fat, the only way that I know how to cope is to restrict the amount of food that I eat. So anyway...that is where I am at that moment. Struggling, but still putting one foot in front of the other.

Laughter Never Hurts

There are days like today when food just seems too complicated,and I'm trying to figure out why that is. This morning I was in the kitchen trying to figure out what to eat for breakfast. I pulled out raisin bread, put it back. Cereal bar, put it back. Maybe I'm not even hungry I thought to myself, grabbed my cup of coffee, and walked out of the kitchen. Maybe it is the hunger that is complicated, and not the actual food. Empty feels good to me, and fullness feels bad, as if I've done something wrong by feeding my body.
I feel emotional and teary today, and I'm not very good at naming my emotions or pinpointing the reasons for having them. I suppose I question the whys too much, trying to avoid actually feeling the emotions at all. I think that if I had sat down to a meal this morning, I would have cried, and I don't want to cry.
I had a dream about the rape this morning, and thankfully the alarm went off, but the first thing that I wanted to do after awakening was to scream, rage, and throw a huge temper tantrum. I went for a walk instead, and although the anger seems to have dissipated, I know it is still there, buried deep inside, and all that I will allow to come to the surface is sadness and grief, and even those feelings I try to deny.
My therapist gave me the name of a boxing club that is fairly close to my home where they offer kick boxing classes. She really thinks that it would help me to release some of my pent up anger. The first lesson is free, so I really think that I'm going to try it out. I'm afraid though, and hope that I can build up the courage to do it. Mostly I'm afraid of the anger. I fear that I will explode with the feeling, and it will never stop. I need to step out of my comfort zone and try something new because I do feel like I'm stuck.
Anyway...my goal for today is to take care of myself, nurture myself, and to eat, which I already know is going to be a difficult task. Most importantly, I'm going to need to reach out for support from my husband and therapist by letting them know that I'm struggling, and that is still a hard thing for me to do. If I have learned anything from all of this though, it is that I can't get through this alone. Distraction is also a good thing. I rented Confessions Of A Shopaholic, which is a lighthearted comedy, so I'm going to watch that. Laughter never hurts!

Free To Fly

The pavement dissolves into a ribbon of blue, reflecting the sky, and my mind wanders as I stare at the highway flowing behind me. Memories now, and that is all that they are. Not flashbacks where there is no escape. Just memories. I am hypnotized by the road trip, and there is a recurrent phrase that resounds inside of my mind. "I don't want to hate." I feel those words deep inside of my soul, and I roll them around over my tongue. I'm almost afraid to say them aloud. I tell myself that it doesn't mean denial. Denial for so many years. Silence. Afraid to tell anyone that I was raped. Shame. Blaming the child that I was. Now there is the letting go, and that is what I ponder. Am I ready to let it go? I must be close, because I feel it slowly breaking away. "I don't want to hate." No, but I do. I hate. I have anger and hate. I know that I will have to let go of the anger and hate to truly be free. I think about how it will feel to let it go, and I know that when I'm ready, it will feel like flying, and more than anything, I want to fly.

A New Decision

Life can be so strange and ironic at times. I just finished a poem about the decision that I had made not to get back in contact with my dad, and the next day, my aunt calls, pleading with me to write or call him. She tells me that he has really turned his life around, and that he just wants a second chance to have a relationship with me. I already knew that from the letter that he sent me, but I wasn't so sure that he had changed. I feel like hearing that should make me want to change my mind, but for some reason, it just doesn't, and I wonder if that makes me a bad person. Why am I so unforgiving? My aunt also told me that my cousin will be getting married in November, and she wants all of us to come to the wedding. I would like to go, but that would mean seeing my dad. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should try, but something is holding me back from writing or calling him, and I'm not quite sure what it is.

You know...that is not true. I think that I do know what it is. It is my own fear of anger, and being able to express it towards him. Anytime that he hurt me, I always said that it was okay. I was always looking out for his feelings. He always had an excuse for his behavior, and I always let him off the hook. I'm running away from my own anger. Maybe I at least need to tell him how much pain his neglect caused me, and how his neglect was the reason that I was raped while I was in his care. He needs to know this, and I have avoided telling him because I'm always trying to protect his feelings, and even that makes me angry. I always protected his feelings because I was afraid that if I didn't, he would go away, but it didn't matter, because he went away anyway. I think that I will write these things in a letter to him, and just see where that takes us. Blogging is so good for figuring things out sometimes:)