Therapy Anger Update

Last night I went to my therapy session all fired up and filled with anger. Yes, I think that some of the anger is misdirected, but I let my therapist have it anyway. Instead of returning my anger with her own anger, she was very willing to talk things through, and was actually very proud of me for not keeping all of those emotions inside. That is what I usually tend to do. I am angry at myself for using alcohol as self medication, and I do agree that the behavior needs to stop. She did agree that I am not an alcoholic, but she is concerned with my drinking at all because of the medications that I'm on. She did want me to try a few more AA meetings, but it is not a stipulation for her treating me. She will still see me even if I decide not to go. I also told her that it hurt my feelings that she would want me to take such a strong medication to try and control my behavior. She apologized, but was thinking that if it detoured me from drinking at all, then it might motivate me. I know that is why she is doing all of this, but I never think that threats work, and it just reinforces the idea that I'm not allowed to make mistakes, and must be perfect at all times. I do see her side, and want to work this out. She is very important to me, and to terminate the relationship would hurt me deeply. I'm going to stop the drinking for awhile. I do not promise never to drink again. I want to be able eventually to drink socially again, or to have a glass of wine or beer when I want to, but I do agree that while I'm trying to recover and deal with my past abuse, that it needs to stop. I am going to ask for my husbands support, and also ask him to stop drinking in front of me while I'm not drinking. I know that he isn't the one with the problem, but it makes me angry to see him drinking when he doesn't want me to do it. I know that I would do it for him if the situation were reversed. So that is it for now. Tonight I see a different therapist to discuss more of the rape trauma and dissociation. I'm nervous about talking about it with someone new, although I have seen this therapist for family and and couples therapy, and feel comfortable with him.

I'm not doing all that great with food, but some dinner usually gets eaten. I feel overwhelmed with all that I need to work on, but hopefully things will get better soon.