45’s Hellish 4+ years= Anxiety

I wrote a post here about the recent presidential election. I composed it before we knew the outcome, and was so anxious, which is often when I write. I never published it. I knew things were going to be bad, but never dreamed the insurrection on January 6th would be one of the outcomes of 45’s hellish 4 years in office. I actually think the day he was sworn in is when my anxiety started to spiral. I started to feel increasingly unsafe, and I’m guessing that many trauma survivors would agree. Hell, not only trauma survivors, but minorities in general. 

Last year at the beginning of the pandemic, the anxiety that I’ve always struggled with ramped up to disproportionately high levels. I had a horrible panic attack and dissociative episode that landed me in the hospital. I had been off of all psychiatric medications for at least 7 years, but made the choice to resume an antidepressant. It did help the depression, but my anxiety was still fairly high, so with my treatment team, we started exploring some different anti-anxiety meds. It was challenging to find one that didn’t leave me with detrimental side effects. A month ago I tried Gabapentin, which is used to treat everything ranging from seizures and nerve pain, as well as anxiety. I became increasingly agitated while on it, with racing thoughts which then turned into constant suicidal ideation. I made a stupid Facebook post about saying goodbye or leaving Facebook which subsequently made someone call the police for a wellness check. I was too afraid to tell anyone what was going on, so even though I hated that I blasted it on social media, I was in the planning stages of suicide. I’m grateful that it was caught, and had no idea that suicidal ideation was a possible side effect. The fallout from this has sky rocketed the anxiety, but I’m determined to climb my way back to health. I didn’t beat an eating disorder to succumb to the anxiety monster. I’m trying some homeopathic options for anxiety thanks to a dear friend who is a nutritionist, and hopefully now that people are being vaccinated life will begin to return to homeostasis. I even heard that Kansas is beginning to lift the mask mandate, which is encouraging. 

There are also some issues that I’m really going to focus on in the upcoming months, and one is on being a better communicator. I tend to bottle everything up and then eventually lash out in unhealthy ways. It alienates the people I love, and is basically self sabotage. I also want to work on acceptance instead of allowing my traumatic past to rule my life. I have overcome many adversities, and know I am more than strong enough! There is hope in my life and hope in the world despite the social and political unrest, and when I’m feeling stronger I want to be more of an advocate for change. Baby steps...

Almost

It's St. Patrick's Day, spring is right around the corner, and it brings with it renewed hope. I had therapy yesterday, and I wonder if she has given up hope for me. She keeps saying that I will change when I'm ready, and leaves it at that...no more helpful words that only fall on deaf ears. She is waiting for me, but what if I'm never ready? That thought frightens me, but the fear of food and eating is what drives me to do the things I do. I do think about changing, and the steps that I might take. I want to be in touch with my body and treat it well instead of abusing myself. I need to get back to exercising, but I need to be able to eat enough to do that. Dave said he would pump up the tires on my bike for me. It is almost like flying to ride in the wind. I make plans, and I suppose that is the beginning of change. I feel like I'm almost there. Almost...

The Star

This was my daily Tarot card for today, and I love it! I love how it says to make the most of the now. That is really what I'm trying to do. I feel so positive, and like I can finally move forward.

The Star
Hope and inspiration. Realization of dreams and goals possible now. Whatever venture you are involved with, your lucky stars are with you. Positive energies flowing freely into your life. Make the most of the now. Heavenly influences surrounding you. Blessings are flowing freely like water. Abundance and spirit present. Bright promises. The presence of the Holy Spirit is with you. A good time to begin a new project or new relationship as it carries blessing with it.

Resolutions

Everyone send your prayers and good thoughts our way. Today is Dave's neurology appointment, and we will know what is going on with his brain tumor, and where we go from here with treatment options. I'm sleepless, worried, and as usual...writing:)



Resolutions

Wide awake
my mind circles and spins
and it begins
all over again

Together we will wait
clasping hands
and we will wait
and take
what is thrown our way

Questioning the Gods
but they are not Gods
just men
maybe wrong
maybe right
Holding us by the throat
the grip so tight

Breathing room
walking light
no more doom and gloom
it is time for trite

In this together
again
we fight

Angela Minard 2009©

On My Way

This is just a quick post, but I wanted to thank everyone for their support and suggestions. I feel like I've been doing better since last week. I've increased my food intake some, and even ate chili at a friends house over the weekend. It was uncomfortable, but I did it anyway. I can't believe how loud the eating disorder is, and how quickly it seemed to sneak up on me. Right here in this moment, I feel determined to beat this, and more positive than I have been in a while.

Music Monday~Josh Groban~You Are Loved

You Are Loved~

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

The Wish

The Wish

The sun feels warm behind my back
and the wind gently lifts my hair
like a kiss blown softly on my neck.
I'm wishing for you as I smell the wild tobacco
and the damp earth of dawn that rises into
the mist of morning.
Hoping for days upon days linked together
until the past is only a laugh and a smile
shared between lovers united
like sturdy vines forever entwined.
Yes, I'm wishing for you...

Angela Minard 2009©

Possibilities

This weekend went by so fast, but I suppose that they always do. I have felt calm and relaxed for the past few days, and that is such a welcomed feeling from all of the anxiety and dread that has been washing over me for months. I'm determined to hang on to my hopefullness. This will always be the year that I attempted to take my own life, and I never again want to travel to such a dark and lonely place. I really am trying to take each day as it comes, to let go of the past, and not worry so much about what the future holds. I'm beginning to feel a sense of freedom...as if a great weight has been lifted from me, and although that sounds so cliche', it is an apt description.
This school year is winding down, and I'm really getting excited about having the summer off, even though we really don't have any special plans yet. I have this great need for organization and self improvement lately, and summer will give me more free time to devote to those things. Right now, everything feels possible.

I Am What I Am

I Am What I Am

I try on the phrase
"I am what I am"
and long for it to fit.
To wear those words
deep inside my heart.
To be proud and strong
and not afraid
of my own imperfections.
To believe in my own uniqueness
as a gift to this world.
To see beyond a reflection
that tells lies
when I look into every mirror
that I pass.
To love what I hold on the inside,
far beneath this skin that cages
my soul.
To allow myself the freedom
to fly farther than my eyes can see.
To be.

Angela Minard 2009©

Worry Is Wasteful And Useless In Times Like These

I'm trying not to let my mind race too far ahead of itself, but in times of fear, I'm afraid that isn't one of my strengths, although I realize that it does no good.

For those of you that don't know, my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor eleven years ago, and has had two craniotomies to try to remove it, but because it is touching the brain stem, they have been unable to remove all of it. This afternoon he had his yearly MRI scan, and it showed that the tumor is growing again. That is not the news that we wanted to hear. His neurosurgeon is going to get a second opinion on a procedure called the gamma knife to see if Dave would be a candidate for that treatment before he has to have another invasive and risky surgery. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that this will be an option. His last surgery was so difficult and we almost lost him. I know that we are both dreading having to go through anything like that ever again. I cannot even imagine my life without him, but there I go again, getting ahead of myself! Anyway...Dave said something to me tonight that just about broke my heart. He said, "I'm glad that you are here with me."

~Tonight the lyrics to this song by Jewel gave me some comfort~

Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

With Abandon

With Abandon

I want to drift
through lavender fields.
The petals so soft
like the fingers
of children,
laying hands
on my face.
Bringing their kisses.
The sun bursting lips.
The warm blush of roses.

I want to twirl
and spin in the rain
The pelting of tears,
the pin pricks of pain.
Barefoot laughter.
Dancing in time,
to the dripping rhythm
and rhyme.

I want to sing.
Pounding keys,
plucking strings.
A melody rising,
resounding within.
Staccato, fortissimo.
The march of my heart.
Beating wild...
Abandoned...
Alive...

Angela Minard 2009©

An Updated Post

The comment about my weight gain from a co-worker today really threw me off balance for a little while, but I think I recovered quite well! This happened right after I had just finished a nice, healthy lunch, and the thought of not eating for the rest of the day did cross my mind. Later this evening, I was able to share the incident with my husband, which in and of itself is an accomplishment. I would usually keep something like this to myself, mostly out of shame and embarrassment, but instead, I was able to tell him about it, and just giving it a voice seemed to be enough to get me through. Tonight I made omelets for dinner, and even sat down and ate one myself:)

Say Goodbye

Say Goodbye

Can you say goodbye to the darkness
as your shadow grows so tall?

The songbirds no longer trill
in the distant blinding sun.

Melodiously they beckon,
to sweetly lure you home.

Won’t you flee from this night?
Take a hold of her hand
and dance into the light.

Leave their iniquity behind.
The time for them will come.

Throw their ashes to the frigid ground.
Turn around

Spread wide your arms,
and run.

Angela Minard 2008©

The Woman Inside

Sometimes I wonder why I post so honestly about how I'm feeling, but then I get a wise comment from someone, and it helps me to see things in a more positive light, and it is then that I'm glad that I was so honest. Yesterday, I was feeling bad about my body and the weight that I've gained. My beautiful friend, Theresa, left me this comment.~

"After a while it began to sink in. Now, I can look in the mirror and not think terrible things about myself. I can actually appreciate my body, not for what it looks like as that's not a concern so much anymore, but for what it can do... Even more importantly, for the woman I am inside it. That's what's important to me now. You are a wonderfully made woman, beautiful inside and out. You have a smile that lights up a room and a personality that makes it so easy to love you. Remember, your body is merely a vessel in which your soul is carried in the world. It is an amazing creation, able to withstand extreme situations, but still work appropriately. Try to think of it like that.....your heart beats as it should with no help. Your lungs make you breathe without your thinking about it.....that's pretty amazing stuff."

Our bodies are amazing. I've carried four beautiful children with this body...nourished newborn babies. I must remember this when I'm feeling discouraged. I know that there will be times that I forget, but as always, I will continue to try.

The Heart Of A Warrior

The Heart Of A Warrior

The heart of a warrior
dips and soars
Held by a
precarious child...
unknowing.

Bravery wields
her sword
Wavering high
above her eyes...
so afraid.

Holding on
to all that is hers.
Dignity, strength,
the courage to win.

Not only surviving,
but thriving
with ironlike talons

Clinging to hope.
Believing that
justice prevails.
The heart of a warrior
takes flight.

Angela Minard 2008©

Not All Black And White

Tonight I have therapy, and then after therapy, I see my nutritionist. It feels like I have been through so much, and that more than a weeks time has past since my last appointments, but it really has only been a week. I was either disconnected or in a dissociative state for most of last week, and I'm not really sure what triggered this. My eating has been very restrictive, and I think that has a great deal to do with my ability to stay connected and present. I'm slowly increasing my intake like my nutritionist suggested, and that has helped. Last week when I saw her, I kept saying that I didn't think I could go back to eating what was on my meal plan, but she reminded me that I didn't have to do it all at once. My black and white thinking can really do a number on me. I'm glad that I have so much support to help guide me back in the right direction.

Natures Hope

This was a picture challenge over at Legacy Writers Of Harmony Pub

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=247157063

Tears for Joy in the Garden of Giants by Michaël Zancan @ Deviant Art

Natures Hope


Sun rays glint
rain drips
from her golden gates
The moss that flows
from your upturned palms
pulsing with life
Dreaming of morning glories
entwined in your hair
Breath and a smile
Awaken and feel
warmth and serenity

A peaceful hope


Angela Minard 2008

Hope For The Hopeless

I'm up early and the house is quiet, so quiet it hums. I'm looking forward to today. I have some good, productive energy going on! I plan on tossing toys in the trash. My boys have grown up, so now our basement needs to do the same. Dave and I are getting together with our best friends, Angie and Ben later tonight for a barbeque at their house. It has been awhile since we've hung out, so I'm excited about seeing them and having some laughs.

My youngest son, Roman went to The Lake Of The Ozarks with a friend, and won't return until Monday. I really feel his absence and miss his company very much. I know he is having an absolute blast though. He will be boating, tubing, fishing, making smore's... I can't wait to hear all about it!

I just feel so good right now, and I want to hang on to it because I haven't felt like this in so long. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time, and more alive than ever. I think it is called feeling. Imagine that! It makes me realize just how numb I was.

I have hope:)

It's Not Too Late

Healing From Sexual Abuse

Healing from Sexual Abuse by Dr. Sidney Langston

~The Process of Healing~
Healing for those who have been sexually abused is like a renovation process. All the old wounds need to be cleaned out and repaired. Truth must be faced, the sorrow embraced and grieved. Usually this cannot be done in isolation. It is best to talk it through with a trusted friend, pastor or professional therapist.
Abused individuals need to be gently led out of denial so that the truth of what happened to them can be faced. Acknowledging the truth is the initial step toward rescuing themselves from the bondage of powerlessness, betrayal, confusion and rejection.
When truth is faced they can learn to let go of dissociative behaviors which allow them to block the pain of abuse from their memories. Dissociation can be a useful survival tool because it allows victims to mentally escape to a safe place so they are not in touch with their pain. If they have developed multiple personalities, another dissociative defense against pain, these personalities, in time, can be integrated.
Abuse victims need to learn not to minimize or make excuses for the perpetrator or for parents or other adults who did not protect them. They don't help themselves or the offender by living in the darkness of denial. In the healing process, they need to come to the place where they can honestly say "Yes, I was abused and something was taken away from me that I can never get back." Giving living offenders a chance to face the damage they have done can be a great step of healing.
Abuse victims should never accept responsibility for the actions of their abusers. Neither should they feel a need to ask forgiveness for the emotions they might have felt during or after the abuse. Forgiving the offender, when emotionally and spiritually ready to do so, will enhance the healing process.
Another element of healing is for the victim to honestly look at ways they have tried to protect themselves from further harm. In order to manage their pain, most victims utilize dysfunctional ways to protect themselves. As understandable and natural as this is, it leads to more torment. These dysfunctional patterns of behavior need to be exchanged for more effective methods of coping.
Learning how and what to grieve is also necessary to the healing process. Facing pain and embracing sorrow with the expectation of finding comfort feels wrong. But it is the right way to deal with abuse. Victims need to grieve what has been taken from them. They need to let themselves feel their lost innocence. They need to mourn their lost childhood, their loss of trust, and their feelings of betrayal and rejection. Just as important, victims need to mourn the fact that they have hurt themselves, and perhaps others, by their dysfunctional protective actions. As they face their sorrow they can find comfort and healing as well as the strength to let the pain go and get on with their lives.
Victims need to take time to reflect on their spiritual needs and draw additional healing from that. Becoming well-informed about abuse and gaining insights about its dynamics enhances the healing process. It is helpful to keep a journal that records memories, feelings and events related to the past abuse and their struggles to deal with it. It helps to journal the steps taken toward healing, recovery and hope.
If you are a victim of sexual abuse, please take these steps of recovery in your own life. The journey to wholeness is painful and arduous, but not impossible. If you are willing to go through the healing process you will be amazed at the relief and freedom you will experience. Don't delay. You are worth it.

Reference Allender, Dan. (1982). When trust is lost, Healing for victims of sexual abuse
Grand Rapids, MI: Thomas Nelson Publishers.