Here and Now

Today I told a friend that knows about my eating disorder and the sexual abuse that all that I wanted to be was "normal." Of course he then asked what that meant, and all that I could think of were the things that I did not want to be. I said with self deprecating humor the other day that I apologize for my mere existence , but the truth is that I too often apologize for being who I am. I say I'm sorry at least a few times a day, and sometimes for things that I didn't even do, or were beyond my control. "It was my fault," is the reoccurring theme in my life. I relive the pain of the past, unable to see who and where I am now. I fear the future because I'm afraid that I'm going to fail at who I want to be. I want to be a whole, unbroken woman, who loves, laughs, cries, feels, and actually lives in the present. I want so much, and I'm afraid that it is too much...that I'm too much. My feelings inside are a jumble of mixed and confusing emotion...

We are headed to Friday, and I can't even begin to say how glad I am. It has been a rough week at work with the kids at school. Transitioning back to school after the spring break is hard for everyone, but especially for kids with autism. I was bit by a student yesterday, and my preschool kids in the afternoon kept wanting to tear out of the classroom at full speed. I'm glad I wear my running shoes to work! I will definitely be ready for the weekend. Last Saturday I had a dissociative episode that really scared my husband and my therapist. I guess that they had a hard time getting me to come back out of it, although I don't remember anything. From what they tell me, I was physically out of control, kicking and screaming, and putting up a big fight. It took them awhile to pull me out of it, but I'm just glad that they didn't have to take me to the hospital. That is one of my worst fears right now. I was really worn out on Sunday, and pretty much slept and rested for ...

I'm trying not to let my mind race too far ahead of itself, but in times of fear, I'm afraid that isn't one of my strengths, although I realize that it does no good. For those of you that don't know, my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor eleven years ago, and has had two craniotomies to try to remove it, but because it is touching the brain stem, they have been unable to remove all of it. This afternoon he had his yearly MRI scan, and it showed that the tumor is growing again. That is not the news that we wanted to hear. His neurosurgeon is going to get a second opinion on a procedure called the gamma knife to see if Dave would be a candidate for that treatment before he has to have another invasive and risky surgery. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that this will be an option. His last surgery was so difficult and we almost lost him. I know that we are both dreading having to go through anything like that ever again. I cannot even imagine my life withou...

This morning our family participated in Head For The Cure , which is a 5k walk/run to benefit brain cancer research. This year my husband was chosen to receive a special award, called the "Keeping The Faith" award, which is an award that recognizes those who are fighting the courageous battle against brain tumors. We were all very excited when we found out that he had been chosen. Head For The Cure has been very important to our family. We have participated every year, and every year, it is one more that we will share with Dave, and one more year in which we know that we have won.

Everyone keeps trying to tell me to remember that the full I feel is not a physical full but an emotional full, and that I use the eating disorder as a coping tool to avoid feeling. This is very frustrating to me right now, because all that I feel that I'm coping with is my fear of being overweight. Why does it always have to be about something else? It does feel like it is all about the food and the weight. I'm not sure how to get past that, and I just feel so stubborn and childish about it right now. I cancelled my nutritionist appointment for Wednesday, and I know that it was the wrong thing to do, but it's like I couldn't help myself. I see my therapist on Monday, but I'm going to cancel that too. I just can't sit and listen to them all say the same things over and over again. I'm losing faith that what they say is the truth, and I'm also losing faith in myself. Maybe all that I am is a shallow woman who only cares about her appearance.

My oldest son comes home from Florida this morning. I'm up early, and so excited to see him. I will feel much better when all four of my boys are home, safe and sound. The other day, my youngest said, "Two more days till Christian comes home!" "It sounds like you missed him", I said. He said, "Yeah, What's wrong with that?" Nothing at all! Joy to a mothers ears to know that her sons all love each other. The whole family is going to the airport to greet him, and then out for a celebration lunch. I can't wait! In other news, I went to therapy, and saw my nutritionist last evening. Both were good sessions, and no crying this week. I hate crying in therapy! I'm maintaining my weight right now, so my nutritionist made me a maintenance meal plan which she predicts will either keep my weight stable or make me lose some, which in that case, she will have to adjust it. I just have to have faith and trust that she is right. " When you have com...