I'm trying not to let my mind race too far ahead of itself, but in times of fear, I'm afraid that isn't one of my strengths, although I realize that it does no good.
For those of you that don't know, my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor eleven years ago, and has had two craniotomies to try to remove it, but because it is touching the brain stem, they have been unable to remove all of it. This afternoon he had his yearly MRI scan, and it showed that the tumor is growing again. That is not the news that we wanted to hear. His neurosurgeon is going to get a second opinion on a procedure called the gamma knife to see if Dave would be a candidate for that treatment before he has to have another invasive and risky surgery. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that this will be an option. His last surgery was so difficult and we almost lost him. I know that we are both dreading having to go through anything like that ever again. I cannot even imagine my life without him, but there I go again, getting ahead of myself! Anyway...Dave said something to me tonight that just about broke my heart. He said, "I'm glad that you are here with me."
~Tonight the lyrics to this song by Jewel gave me some comfort~
Hands
If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Hands
If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
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11 Comments:
You are strong Angel. Much stronger than you think you are. I will be thinking about you and your husband. I still grateful everyday that you survived your attempt to kill yourself. Thank God.
Jenny
Angel, I am at a loss for words again but I want you to know that I understand what you are going through right now. Please hold on because you are far stronger than you can imagine. HE is just waiting for you to call on HIM, Angel. HE has not abandoned you. Please turn to HIM and let HIM carry you.
God loves you!
Blessings,
Bing
Hi Angel
I have just been reading your blog for the first time and your last post really engaged with me. My dad had a brain tumour on the brain stem and I understand a little of what you are both have and are going through.
Night still follows day and wonderful things can happen. Hold tight, be strong and have faith that strength and comfort will come. Easy to say I know...hard to do, but inside that fragile angel is a strong lady!!!! She's there..believe me.
Enjoy the moment angel and tomorrow will come soon enough, soak up the now.
Hugs
June
Such hard stuff to carry. I'm sorry you're going through another scary situation. I hope you can find the support you need through it all.
Angie--so sorry to hear this! I wish I had magic words to help, but please know that I am praying for you and your family.
--Nancy
Oh my Angel,
It's so hard for me to understand some times why some are chosen to endure so much.
I too am a survivor but I suspect that you have already put that together just by our few conversations.
Survivors are naturally intuitive anyway.
I wish I had some magic words myself to offer here for you. But, there really aren't any.
Once again, after probably hundreds, maybe thousands of times you are facing a very difficult test in this life here in this world.
But, deep down inside some where I know you know that you must keep pushing forward. Giving up is just simply not an option.
Your husband will need all the strength you can give to him at this time.
My husband has been my salvation many times. So I know how deeply you love him because you have trusted him. And for those of us like you and me...trust is very difficult.
I know these words will sound trite, but, try as hard as you can not to project. One day, one minute, one second, at a time is the only way.
You chose one of my favorite tunes. I hope you continue to listen to it.
I shall be thinking of you and your husband constantly and I will pray.
Oh how I wish things didn't have to be so blasted difficult for some people in life.
((((((((Angel))))))))))
I am with you in thought and spirit.....always!
Jackie
Angel, thanks for the kind comment in my site. I reprinted here my reply so you'll know how much I appreciate your gesture.
There was a time when I wanted it all to end. I went through every emotion that you are trying to hurdle right now. That is why I can feel your pain. I can also feel all you fears. But I found the tools to survive. So I shared them with you. I am a survivor of pain. I hope to see you outside of that dark tunnel soon. The light is just a few steps away. Hold my hand and I'll show you the way.
Much Love,
Bing (",)
You chose a song that has always given me hope because it's a reminder that we are not here alone. This is the first time I've read your blog, but you'll be in my heart and in my prayers.
I don't have a life threatening problem like your husband, but I've been thru some pretty tough times with pain and illness. I don't know how I would have made it thru without God and my wonderful husband. I have a little bit of an idea of how much you mean to him.
If I could be there by your side I would not try to say anything. At a time like this words just get in the way. I'd just hug you and let you know you're loved. And listen. Then I'd go do your laundry and dishes. I will be praying for you and your husband and reading your blog.
I am so sorry to hear about your husband's tumor. God, I hate when people apologize for that. It's not their fault. My dad is very sick, too, and I can't stand when people apologize for it..
He'll be in my thoughts. Continue to think positively. He's held on for so long.. that's not accident. Continue to keep that positive outlook. Amazing things have happened in medicine.
Also, I'm in love with both the song in this entry and the band in which the photo is used for one of their newer CDs. I named my cat after them ;)
Hang in there. <3
Dear Angel,
I was looking online for a little inspiration myself. So i googled Jewel's lyrics "Hands". I came to this page because I believe I was meant to give you a little peice of advice. You see, I am 18 years old and I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was 14. You might be thinking..why is that so bad?? Most likely you will not die! you don't know what I'm going through!!.. but you see, I am very ill. because of the lesions in my brain, I have head pain every second of every day. I loose my eye sight, my normal ability to walk, my balance, feeling in my body parts, my energy, and my hope. However... I have recently discovered that there is no reason for other people to feel sorry for me!! God has CHOSEN me. and because of me so many other people have found God. So many others went to him and asked him to be with me. Little did I know that losing everything I had, would help me gain so much more. I am not anrgy! I am thankful that the Lord has chosen me AND your husband to get people on this earth closer together, and to bring more people to him. We are not being punished. GOD DOES HIS WORK THROUGH OUR WEAKNESSES. I will go to God and tell him to heal, and be with your husband. and so will all of the other people who heard this story. Tell your husband thank you for me. He is just one more reason for me to go to God. Just know you are not alone. You both will be in my prayers. I was meant to tell you that. Don't forget to say thank you to your husband. ;)
holly
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