How You Feel

I am in a strange place in my life, and I'm not even sure if I have the ability to articulate it here. 
Often the reason I write is to help me make better sense of not only this world, but my place within the confusion. 

I haven't written here in a couple of weeks, and at first it was because I wasn't feeling well physically. 

Of course, it is normal for that to carry over into not feeling well emotionally, but that sinking feeling of the blues can be terrifying for someone prone to depression and anxiety. 

My yoga practice is how 

I center myself, and how I reconnect physically and emotionally, but my body was too tired. 

I easily fall into a self-critical thought pattern, and I decided that just because my physical practice was on hiatus, I could still meditate. 

That would be my yoga practice...

I still have so much to learn! 

The problem with sitting in a silent meditation for me, with only my breath, is that I dissociate. 

I'm a pro at leaving my body, so that was not working. 

Instead of using an alternative, I berated myself for not being able to meditate "right." 

I asked a friend from teacher's training, who specializes in meditation, and also happens to be a psychologist, if I should continue to keep trying. 

Even though in my heart, I knew I should find an alternative, like guided meditation, I needed someone else to tell me it was okay, and she did. 
I don't  have to be perfect. 
I need joy to teach yoga, but joy was missing. I get stuck in a feeling, and fear that it will last forever. 
I'm definitely not the most rational person in the world. 
I talk the talk, but I do not always walk the walk. 

I should mention that one by one, our boys are moving out. 
Every morning, I walk by empty bedrooms, and although I love that they are moving toward independence, it is different...

I will be 50 in August...
am I even a grown up? 
I'm still working on that, so it feels incongruous with reality. 
I'm taking my sweet time...
I want everything! 
I want to take care of myself, but to be coddled, and it changes from moment to moment. 

Is this how you feel?

Do you feel like your heart is breaking from joy and pain, and that you don't even know the difference?

Do you? 

Remember This

Remember This

I imagine radiating joy

as the winter sun pulses

dazzling crystal blue sky

vast and cloudless

I imagine your spirit

smiling on the inside

as the warm bubbles tickle;

rising from your belly 

into my heart

before gently emerging 

dancing across your face

This...This...This...

swells within my heart; breath catching

vibrant and alive

echoing into the silent, empty spaces

Remember

This...

This...

This...

"I am not burdened by your feelings

but rather honored

that of all of the people in your life

you choose me..."

Angela Minard 2016©

Processing Time

I have worked with kiddos with autism for over fifteen years, as well as having my own son with autism. I'm used to waiting a longer amount of time for a response than what is considered average. People with developmental disabilities, as well as individuals with brain injuries have a longer processing time, so I wait...

I'm just now realizing that I have a longer than average processing time when it comes to my emotions. 

Feelings are unlabeled because I have no idea in the moment what is happening. 

I store my emotions like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter, and then they explode before I even have a chance to make much sense of them. 

This is why I have a therapist to help me sort through the mess of feelings that confound and confuse me on an almost daily basis. 

Laughter, and joy are easier to accept, but sadness and anger I have labeled as bad, and off limits, so I do all kinds of inappropriate things with those emotions in particular. 

It is where my eating disorder came from, as well as self harm and dissociation. 

I turn my anger and sadness in the only direction I know, which is at myself. 

I have been taught some great skills from my treatment team, as well as from my yoga teachers, but they don't always work, and that is frustrating. 

Nothing is full proof, and when my tools fail me, I feel like a failure. 

My therapist tells me,"feeling is not being," and so feeling like a failure does not mean that I am a failure. 

Tonight I worked all day, went to therapy, and taught two yoga classes. 

I didn't have time to check in or acknowledge my feelings, but they still caught up with me. 

I came home, sat down, took a few deep breaths, and gahhhh...

I'm crying! 

Damn, I'm sad, happy, tired, and fucking confused...

Delayed emotional reaction in progress! 

I can't even get comfort when I need it most of the time, because when it hits me that I need it, there is no one around. 

It is no wonder that so often I feel alone...

I am not alone. 

I am loved. 

I am loved. 

I am loved. 

It just takes me awhile to feel it...

Riding the Waves

I am thinking tonight about the Yin yoga class that I teach at Darling Yoga. I teach it twice a week, and I love planning the postures, and choosing the right music. Yin yoga has taught me a great deal about riding the waves of emotion, and maybe that is why I am drawn to the practice. Yin is a passive type of yoga, with supported and long held postures. The poses are held for anywhere from three to ten minutes, with little to no muscular engagement. The idea is to allow gravity and time to delve below the muscles of the body, and deep within the connective tissues and fascia.  When I started teaching this class, the plan was to teach a class incorporating both yin and yang. I mainly practice a more yang type of yoga, which is faster paced, using more muscular energy and balance. I love that type of practice, but am actually more challenged by the slower and less energetic yoga. The students seem to have embraced this practice as well, and complain when I try to flow with a quicker pace, so I have dropped the yang.  On Monday, I had a student tell me that the practice on Sunday that I taught seemed to have released some stored up emotions, and they had been crying off and on throughout the day. I store my emotions like a pro, mainly because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that my sadness, grief, pain, etc...will last for all of eternity, and so hell no, I'm not going to go there! Being in a deep shoulder or hip opener for five or more minutes, breathing through the discomfort(never pain), allowing the body to release and let go, is an amazing lesson. Discomfort doesn't last forever. It ebbs and flows, and you are in charge of how deep you go. You learn that you can back out at anytime. You learn that you are stronger and have more stamina than you think. If I could sit down for a good cry, and have a teacher call out, "Five more breaths, you are doing great!," I would possibly be all for that shit! I still have so much to learn. I fear my emotions.  I work hard on accepting and embracing them, but I get tired, and I get disappointed. My navigational system is quite often faulty, and I stumble around without direction. I have no idea how to read a map, and I don't always trust myself to make it through. I tell my students not to worry so much about the destination...

I'm trying to take my own advice. 

"The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. 

Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. 

This is the miracle of surrender." 

~Eckhart Tolle

Strong Arms

I keep looking down at my arms. Right now I hate them. They seem fleshy, doughy, ugly, and I'm sad about them...or am I? I'm increasingly uncomfortable in my skin lately, and yet doubtful that it has much of anything to do with my physical form. There are changes that I'm longing to make in my life, but they aren't practical changes, and in fact are impossible at this time, and so I'm stuck. It is a heavy, claustrophobic feeling, and because I'm learning to recognize the distorted way that my mind works, I'm almost certain that these feelings are spilling over into how I feel about my body. I might as well cry about my arms, because I can do something about them. I could work on changing them, just so I can feel productive, and not worry about the parts of my life I can't change. This is how eating disorders work. It will attempt to sneak in, trying to find the weak spot, and I'm strong enough and smart enough to recognize it for exactly what it is, which certainly doesn't make me feel any better. I'm still uncomfortable, and want to feel better. When I was new to recovery, nothing made me more angry than having my treatment team tell me to "sit with my feelings." It still doesn't sound appealing, but from past experience, I trust that I will find my way through. I'm exactly where I need to be, and for whatever reasons, so I may as well hold on tight with my meaty, substantial arms. At least they are good for something, right? 

Sad Or Something

I'm sad, or something...
confounded feelings! 

I need a map to find my way through it all, 

and I would like it all to be explained in precise detail, 

and of course I can't allow myself to be...

I must pick it all apart, 

criticizing myself every step of the way. 

Along with whatever feelings I'm having also comes fear, 

as in, 

"What does this mean?" 

"Am I going to sink into yet another debilitating depression?" 

"How long is this feeling going to last?"

 I want answers, 

and I want them now! 

I'm the only one who has them, 

so I realize I'm not being patient with myself. 

I'm going to search for someone to hug, 

eat some dinner, 

which I've been avoiding, 

and not give into destructive behaviors. 

Storm And Light

I tell people how I feel, kind of...
if I love you, I'm certain that you know it...
on the other hand, if you rub me the wrong way, I would never say so. 
Positive emotions therefore are expressed, and everything else...
yep, I do all kinds of other things with those emotions, and almost always, those things are self destructive in some way or another. 
I am apt to take the blame for situations that go awry, whether they are truly my fault or not. It is easier than sticking up for myself or arguing the point, or is it? Lately, I'm doing more sticking up for myself. I speak up more in my job. Hell, I do know what I'm doing! I'm tired of letting people bulldoze over me every chance they get. I can stand up for myself in a way that is respectful, but this approach is lacking in the general population. When I do speak up and express myself, I walk out of work with a much lighter feeling, even if it was difficult and uncomfortable. I learn everyday, better, and more effective ways of communicating. I would love everything to be sunshine and roses, but it takes the sour to appreciate the sweet, and so I remind myself that if everyday ran smoothly, and if I was always skipping around in a state of ecstatic joy, I would no longer appreciate a stormy day. I have had many dark days, and shadows threaten me on a daily basis, but I love hard, I feel deeply, and so I continue to hang on, digging my fingers into the earth, and holding on with everything I have. 

Without Words

Without Words

You wait 

without words
after opening my heart
expansive moments 

Finally, with purpose 
gazing up into your eyes

I try to tell you

without words

Sometimes when we say goodbye

I apologize

in silence
for the words

no one should have to hear 
I do not say them

I am sorry, I am sorry,

I am sorry

Resting my head against your warmth
the vibration of your voice fills my body
breathing your laughter as tears threaten
I try to tell you

without words

Angela Minard 2014©

Therapy Tales

I have been writing on this blog for about six years now, and I rarely go back through old posts, but I was looking for a poem, and came across a post that I had written a few days before my first suicide attempt. I shared it with my therapist this week. I cannot even count the number of times that she has told me that if I didn't allow myself to feel pain, I would also be unable to feel joy. I wasn't sure that I believed her, but I now realize that all of my suffering was caused by my attempts to deny my feelings. My feelings often overwhelm me, and the depth of my emotions can be frightening, but I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful that she didn't give up on me, because she was right...even with the pain, there is an abundance of joy, and I'm blessed to still be here to feel every bit of it. 

Here is the post that I wrote~

I step through your door, into the safe familiarity of pictures and books...the window where I've watched the rain and snow, protected from the bright glare of the sun chasing after me. We have talked, and sat in silence while you wait for my words, of which I've run out. I nod when you speak, agreeable and compliant, because my decision is to resign. I've tried to tell you, but you won't give up, when I've all but begged you to, and yet I continue to cast shadows on your floor. 

"I will believe for you, until you can believe on your own," 

you say with such compassion that my throat constricts, and I cannot seem to swallow so much pain. I tell you that I feel an overwhelming need to apologize. I call you on the phone, but you say that you cannot work with me like this. I'm a petulant child, an angry adolescent, and you refuse to play my games. I'm sorry that I do this, that I reach for you, and then become volatile when you attempt to help me. I reach, I push, I run, I hide, and every week I return to the shelter of you, because I'm afraid that if I don't show up, I'll lose all sense of time. 

You are the touch point within the moments, hours, days that get lost, hoping that you will find me before I fade away. 

I Touch My Own Heart

Sometimes practicing yoga breaks my heart, because it is through the breath and movement that I touch my own heart...Sometimes other people break my heart... Sometimes when people love me, it hurts... Sometimes I'm overcome by all of my emotions...

I refuse to stop feeling, 

no matter how tempting it is to disappear... 

I will not disappear...

"I live my life in widening circles that reach out across the world. I may not complete this last one, but I give myself to it...I circle around God, around the ancient tower. I've been circling for thousands of years and I still don't know: am I a falcon, a storm,or a great song?" ~Rainer Maria Rilke

Easily Broken

Artwork by~ Carmine Monzo; Drawing, "Breaking Point". Pastel, charcoal.

 

This morning I came to my blog because I knew that I needed to write, but my mind is jumpy, so I will apologize early on if this post leads nowhere. I'm going to make bullet points, and try to make some sense of it all.

 

• I criticize myself for the intensity of my feelings. I feel like my heart breaks too easily.
• I have a shaky sense of self worth, and as much as I'm trying to change this, it is easily shattered.
• PTSD sucks...I was triggered by something that I cannot talk about here, but managing the symptoms is exhausting.
• When I don't sleep, hopeless feelings begin to take over.
• I feel guilty for any happiness that comes my way.

This is all I can write for now.

From The Heart

Sometimes in a yoga class, the teacher will invite you to smile during class. They will say, "I invite you to lift the corners of your mouth."

I don't want to lift the corners of my mouth, and so I refuse. I refuse to slap a smile on my face during yoga. The last thing I want to do is worry about the expression on my face. Twice in one week I have been told how obedient I am. Once from a yoga teacher, who called me a "good student" because I will only go into the advanced version of a pose if the teacher gives the option to do so, and again by my therapist, who called me a "good patient". I try so hard to "be good." I draw the line at being told how to feel. There are many times while practicing yoga that I feel a smile spontaneously spread across my face.  That is a gift! I also know there are times when my expression looks pained, and I appreciate being told to relax my jaw, or soften between my eyes. Please, don't tell me to smile! All my life I've worked to be pleasant and compliant, even when I didn't particularly feel pleasant.

We all wear masks. We have our professional work faces, and our blank, grocery store faces. It is work to be aware of each facial expression, and why should we have to constantly be aware of pleasing other people with our faces? If I smile at you, I want you to know that I mean it, and you know what?... I can tell you that my smiles always come from the heart.

A Frightening Place

I had an appointment with my nutritionist after a month of not seeing her. Not much has changed in my eating. For the most part, the restriction is unfortunately a part of my routine. I told my nutritionist that it wasn't dangerous restriction, which as you guessed, she jumped all over. I only meant that it isn't as bad as it used to be. I had some very "normal" eating on Friday and Saturday, with movie treats and everything! I tend to think of a day with 3 meals and snacks as a huge binge, or at least for me, it feels that way. This morning hasn't been filled with positive self talk. The fear when increasing my food intake is that I will lose control, overeating on a daily basis, and that I will never be satisfied. The amount of restricting I'm doing has nothing to do with wanting to lose weight. For one thing, it isn't affecting my weight, which has been stable for some time. It is more about controlling my feelings, and keeping the fear at bay, or at least that is my perception. Unfortunately, my perceptions are often of the black and white variety, without the shades of grey in between. I wish I could say that today I will not restrict, because I do know that I hold the choices in my hand. The right choice means sitting with feelings of discomfort. I already feel uncomfortable with my body after eating more food than usual in the past two days. My mind tells me that if I can restrict today, those feelings will go away. I'm still trying to figure out why I allowed myself to let go and eat this weekend. If I can do that for two days, then maybe I can do it everyday. I wonder when all of this ambivalence will disappear. When will I want more than anything to let it all go? I do know that the answer resides within, and that I'm searching everywhere but inside of myself because I'm afraid of what I might find. I'm afraid that maybe I do not deserve freedom. The unknown is a frightening place.

Positive Changes

I have been practicing yoga for close to three months now, and I can't believe the difference it has made in my life. I look forward to going, and I go almost everyday. It is a huge stress reliever,and I'm beginning to feel better about my body. When I came home from Renfrew, I was at the low end of a healthy weight, and then I gained ten pounds due to some medications. Ten pounds is a lot on someone who is under five feet tall, and I was so unhappy and uncomfortable. Even after I stopped taking those medications, as much as I starved myself, the weight would not come off. It is so strange to me that as soon as I started eating and added exercise, I lost all of the weight. I really believed that I would never be able to eat the way that other people ate. I'm still not quite up to the number of calories that I need, and I'm burning more than I'm taking in, but it is still so much more food than I've eaten in years. When I wasn't eating, the thoughts about food took up so much space in my head. I obsessively planned out what little food I would eat, and would even dream about eating. I try not to let myself get to the point of painful hunger and getting light headed. I don't feel so spaced out and disconnected, and with that comes the presence of emotion. I deal with that without trying to run away. There are still moments of longing, when I desperately want to escape, and those are the times when I do fall back on the eating disorder. I think that I will always have to be aware of that in times of stress. My treatment team is worried right now that the weight loss is not going to taper off and at this point, I have no idea what my weight is going to do. Hopefully I will be able to increase my food intake enough to stay stable, so the work will continue. I'm enjoying where I am at this moment though, and for once, I can say that is good enough. There is no such thing as perfection when it comes to anything, and especially not in recovery. I'm coming to accept that, and I think that is a big part of my battle.

Shedding The Old Skin

I feel like I'm a snake, shedding its skin, and everything feels strange and new. It doesn't quite fit yet, and I'm attempting to settle into my new home. I've had some sad, down in my gut wrenching moments this week. I had therapy on Wednesday, and I went in there feeling out of sorts, unsure of what was causing me the pain that I had been feeling since Sunday. We talked through my week, and I realized that sometimes I feel cheated because my family is so far away. I missed being with my mom on Mother's Day, and really wished she had come for a quick visit. There is an empty space that sometimes needs to be filled by being around the people who have known you all of your life...Who still love in you in spite of your faults, and understand how you have come to be the person that you are. I have my husband and my boys, but because my mom and I shared a closeness, and literally grew up together in many ways, that bond is impossible to replace with anything or anyone else. Once I could pinpoint the reason for my sense of loss, I could slowly release the burden that had been weighing on my heart.
This work week has also been hectic. I've been observing and taking data on some elementary kiddos who are having behavioral issues, on top of working with my regular autism students. I'm overwhelmed with things that I have to do this weekend. I have an end of the year test on nine of the autism modules we have studied this year, I need to write my son a graduation letter, and I also need to write a letter of recommendation for a co-worker. I have a wedding and reception to attend today, so that cuts into my study time. I'm also not a good test taker because I get so anxious, so all of this is weighing on my mind. All that I ask is to get through the last week of this school year in one piece. I will be relieved when I get everything done! I'm going to go and get ready for that wedding now, but I'm wishing all of you a wonderful weekend:)

Separate Selves And Becoming Whole

I didn't go to work yesterday. In the morning, I had a doctors appointment, and I was going to go back in the afternoon, but I felt emotionally exhausted and drained. It has been a rough couple of weeks when it comes to feelings. I'm not always sure what to do with them. I think that is the problem...I'm not pushing them away, shoving them down, and starving to get rid of them. They are overwhelming at times, and there are memories that I never have actually dealt with before, and they are frightening. I woke up from a nightmare on Friday. It was a dream of a real memory, and it made me physically sick to my stomach. I thought, "How could they have done those things to a little girl." Maybe sometimes I still separate myself from the child that I was, but I think that I'm trying to integrate my two separate selves into one whole person. I don't have to dissociate to get away from those memories anymore, and I haven't done that in awhile. I'm learning to deal with everything in a healthy way, and as painful as it is, I'm making my way through. I sure do cry a lot though!

No Explaination

My heart hurts today, but for some reason, I cannot pinpoint why I'm feeling so sad. I tend to escape when I feel this way, so I took a three hour nap, hoping the melancholy would be gone when I woke up, but, no, it is still hanging on. I find myself taking deep breaths and trying not to cry. It is the beginning of my spring break, the weather is beautiful today, and I should feel fine. There is no explanation for this, but I keep expecting one to come to me. I went and bought some wine, which maybe wasn't a good idea. I know that it is probably not the best way to deal with my feelings. Precisely...I don't deal with my feelings. All that I want is the numb to take over. The eating disorder doesn't always work anymore. Sometimes the feelings still sneak in, taking me by surprise. I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday. Maybe I need a med change or something. I've been taking my medications like I should. I should probably just figure out why I feel the way I do. Actually feel the feelings, and get on with it. Intellectually, I'm really pretty smart. Hey, a compliment to myself. What do you know!!! I am, only I don't put it into practice. This post is full of "shoulds." I'm like a robot going through the motions.
This week at work, a coworker who claims to be psychic, came up to me, gave me a hug, and said that she felt a sadness in me, and that I was closed off from the world. Pretty perceptive, but psychic?...I don't know. I don't like when people see through me though. I like to think that I'm good at the facade that I present on the outside. I think that the best thing to do probably is to acknowledge this sadness, try to have a good cry, and move on.

Questioning My Feelings

I'm realizing that I constantly question my own feelings. I ask myself why I'm feeling them instead of acknowledging them and validating them. This morning I felt inexplicably happy, and then immediately asked myself why. In the case of happiness, I think I question so that I can hang on to it, forgetting that there are a myriad of reasons for joy. Pain, anger, fear, resentment, guilt, disappointment...those feelings are all bad in my mind. I label them, squirm away from them, and feel shame that I even have those feelings, especially if some of them are directed toward someone else. I'm going to try to be more aware of this. How many times in treatment and therapy have I heard the phrase, "You need to sit with your feelings." That is difficult for me to do.
I've been a bit manic lately with sleepless nights, and racing thoughts, and then of course questioning again, I wonder if I confuse happiness with the high that comes from a manic phase. I don't have them often anymore. I think for the most part the meds keep me on an even keel.
I'm looking forward to spring so much. We have had a few teasers here and there, and I can't wait to see the crocus, daffodils, and redbuds bloom. Winter always seems so endless, as if there is nothing to look forward to, but spring offers new possibilities, or at least the promise of them. I love the idea of something wonderful waiting right around the corner:)

One Thanksgiving Closer To Recovery

One Thanksgiving Closer To Recovery

I wish that I had taken more of the green beans.
It was some sort of a casserole, and it tasted creamy,
but getting seconds of anything was out of the question
on any day of the year, and this day was not an exception.
I still had my rules to adhere by.
I took a little bit of everything that looked good,
leaving anything that I knew I liked too much.
It made me feel guilty to enjoy food.
No one seemed to pay much attention to my plate,
unlike years before when I was obviously too thin
and needed to eat.
There is a lot that I did with that inside of my head.
Mainly I thought it meant that I must need to lose weight.
"Do you have your appetite back yet?"
my father-in-law asked soon after I had returned from treatment.
If only it were that simple.
I had never really lost it in the first place, but the smaller I became,
the safer I felt. Somehow it made me feel invincible, and I was very skilled
at starving myself, only it never was enough.
Am I recovered enough?
I still had wanted to cry about the plate sitting in front of me.
It's not about the food, it's about the feelings,
my therapist often reminds me.
Maybe next Thanksgiving I will get seconds,
or have some dessert, and maybe, just maybe, I will feel.
Oh, yes...I will feel.

Angela Minard 2010©

Fine

"I'm fine," I say. Fine, fine, fine, when the truth is that almost always, when I say that, I'm not fine at all. Why do I lie? Well...it's because I'm afraid of the sadness, pain, and anger that I feel, and I'm so used to swallowing those feelings that it is my automatic response. I swallow my feelings instead of swallowing food. I push the emotions away, and by doing this, I also end up pushing people away. I fear that because my feelings overwhelm me, they will also overwhelm everyone else. This fear keeps me from accepting help when it is offered, and my self worth prevents me from being motivated to help myself. I need to try to feel safe enough to reach out for the hands that are offered to me. I need to believe that I'm worth caring for. Maybe I need to do it for others and hope that eventually I will see that I'm worth it.

Fucked Up

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

Yep, that's me alright:)