Sunday, March 4, 2012

A Frightening Place

I had an appointment with my nutritionist after a month of not seeing her. Not much has changed in my eating. For the most part, the restriction is unfortunately a part of my routine. I told my nutritionist that it wasn't dangerous restriction, which as you guessed, she jumped all over. I only meant that it isn't as bad as it used to be. I had some very "normal" eating on Friday and Saturday, with movie treats and everything! I tend to think of a day with 3 meals and snacks as a huge binge, or at least for me, it feels that way. This morning hasn't been filled with positive self talk. The fear when increasing my food intake is that I will lose control, overeating on a daily basis, and that I will never be satisfied. The amount of restricting I'm doing has nothing to do with wanting to lose weight. For one thing, it isn't affecting my weight, which has been stable for some time. It is more about controlling my feelings, and keeping the fear at bay, or at least that is my perception. Unfortunately, my perceptions are often of the black and white variety, without the shades of grey in between. I wish I could say that today I will not restrict, because I do know that I hold the choices in my hand. The right choice means sitting with feelings of discomfort. I already feel uncomfortable with my body after eating more food than usual in the past two days. My mind tells me that if I can restrict today, those feelings will go away. I'm still trying to figure out why I allowed myself to let go and eat this weekend. If I can do that for two days, then maybe I can do it everyday. I wonder when all of this ambivalence will disappear. When will I want more than anything to let it all go? I do know that the answer resides within, and that I'm searching everywhere but inside of myself because I'm afraid of what I might find. I'm afraid that maybe I do not deserve freedom. The unknown is a frightening place.


Jennifer said...

I understand this desire for control, though it manifests itself in different ways for me, and the worries about what will happen if you let go. It's a kind of hyper-vigilance that perhaps served its purpose at a different time, kept you safe (here I am guessing about what might be going on within you as well as thinking about my own experiences).

I hope you can find that sense of freedom soon, that feeling that all is good within you. Because it is!

Heather Jerdee said...

You do deserve freedom Angela. Completely. And I understand though to, there are many things that I do too to keep my feelings in control.

I love " that feeling that all is good within you" because it is.

Hugs and love!

Anonymous said...

Acceptance is the answer to all of our problems. Radically accepting what is, even if you don't like it, is therefore not avoiding the truth or the feelings. It is acknowledgement. Then we are not running or avoiding or trying to control but letting it be.