Always, I Rise

 

Artwork by~ Masaaki Sasomoto

At the height of my eating disorder, when I was entrenched in anorexic behaviors, I also held a full time job working with children with autism and other developmental disabilities. The only time it affected my work was when I took a leave of absence to go into treatment. I have missed work at times for mental health days, and I think that almost everyone at some time in their work history has done that. I would rather take a day for self care than to be sub par at my work. For many people struggling with mental health, routines are a huge part of maintaining normalcy and stability. These days of having extra time on my hands not teaching at the studio have thrown off my routine. I miss the structure, but have found myself feeling more creative, and exploring new ideas. I don’t often embrace change, but it may be time to take more chances, and move out of my comfort zone a bit. I’ve been working on publishing a few volumes of poetry, as well as a memoir, while also finishing up my 300 hr. yoga training. Teaching yoga is still deeply nourishing, and there is always so much to continue learning, which keeps me engaged. I wouldn’t wish having a mental illness on anyone, but working through the challenges and taking steps toward healing is an accomplishment I’m proud to continue. Sometimes I get discouraged, but when I look back on all I’ve been through, these 12 years of overcoming anorexia, and climbing my way through the muck of trauma has been but a drop in the bucket of my 55 years on earth. Even though I have no idea what the future holds, I continue to move forward, often stumbling, but always, I rise. 

The Lie Of Perfection

Each fold and sharp crease between thumbnail and stark white paper

hisses with outrage

refined angles

cutting remarks behind a simpering smile

shooting baskets with the misshapen wads

aim and miss

each paper crane is formed from everything she was told she lacked

her many failures bent into the correct aesthetic shape

forced to acquiesce 

throbbing fingers crimp and tuck

seething warmth rising with each crumpled mistake

these messy pages tell her battled tale...

-the lie of perfection

Angela Minard© 

Artwork by Duy Huynh

Eating Disorder Recovery Update

I wanted to share some of what I'm going through lately while continuing to recover from an eating disorder. The lack of much physical activity in these past couple of months has been triggering. I'm losing muscle tone, and although I don't know exactly what my weight is, I do know what it feels like it's doing. I recognize that I may not be accurate in my assessment, nevertheless I'm not acting on behaviors. My appetite has decreased along with my energy output, but I'm still working hard to adequately nourish my body. I have nausea due to some of the medications I'm temporarily on, so I need to keep something in my stomach.  It is challenging, and the eating disorder is loud. I still struggle with negative body image, but I'm not allowing any of that to cause me to restrict. I want to be strong after surgery, and using behaviors will not help with recovery. I want to get back to teaching yoga as soon as I can. I'm practicing lots of self care, and taking time to do things that also nourish my soul, such as writing, reading, and cultivating a more consistent meditation practice. This may be a small road block, but I actually do believe in myself. I would like to be completely recovered from anorexia, but if that never happens, I will never give up. I will come out even stronger, I have no doubt!

Strong Arms

I keep looking down at my arms. Right now I hate them. They seem fleshy, doughy, ugly, and I'm sad about them...or am I? I'm increasingly uncomfortable in my skin lately, and yet doubtful that it has much of anything to do with my physical form. There are changes that I'm longing to make in my life, but they aren't practical changes, and in fact are impossible at this time, and so I'm stuck. It is a heavy, claustrophobic feeling, and because I'm learning to recognize the distorted way that my mind works, I'm almost certain that these feelings are spilling over into how I feel about my body. I might as well cry about my arms, because I can do something about them. I could work on changing them, just so I can feel productive, and not worry about the parts of my life I can't change. This is how eating disorders work. It will attempt to sneak in, trying to find the weak spot, and I'm strong enough and smart enough to recognize it for exactly what it is, which certainly doesn't make me feel any better. I'm still uncomfortable, and want to feel better. When I was new to recovery, nothing made me more angry than having my treatment team tell me to "sit with my feelings." It still doesn't sound appealing, but from past experience, I trust that I will find my way through. I'm exactly where I need to be, and for whatever reasons, so I may as well hold on tight with my meaty, substantial arms. At least they are good for something, right? 

Today Is My Birthday

Today is my birthday...

the final year of this decade in my forties.

It has been tumultuous to say the least. 

I clawed my way through, 

sometimes barely hanging on,

but here I am! 

I would like to say it was a beautiful ride,

but not so much...

At first glance, 

you may have even wanted to avert your gaze, 

but there was quiet celebration 

if you could focus your gaze long enough to see the details. 

The celebration in no particular order, because I find them all to be miracles...

• Finding my voice, which meant finally speaking out about being raped
• Going to therapy
• Getting treatment for anorexia which meant going inpatient and being away from my family
• Surviving two suicide attempts{Feeling my feelings was overwhelmingly painful, and I wanted to die.} I'm thankful that I was not successful. 
• Finding yoga and an accepting community
• Continuing to work through the process of trauma with my amazing therapist and nutritionist
• Graduating from yoga teachers training.
• Teaching yoga, and especially serving the community of people struggling with eating disorders and PTSD. 
• Working through continuing panic attacks, and symptoms from PTSD. {I decided to go off of all pharmaceutical medication two years ago, and there have been some ups and downs, but I have learned many tools to deal with my anxiety. That does not mean that I may never again need medication. It was beneficial to my recovery, and I will never rule it out}   

*I was just offered a job to teach yoga in a hospital based intensive outpatient eating disorder treatment facility, and that has been my dream ever since I discovered the power of yoga for recovery from my eating disorder. 

**49 is feeling good! 

It Feels Like Home

 

Photograph by~ Shannon Hudson Photography

I'm getting ready for another weekend of yoga teacher's training, and I'm feeling a bit frenzied, as if I cannot take in enough information fast enough. I have stacks of yoga books everywhere, and I don't remember ever being this excited to learn. The Yoga For Eating Disorders training that I did last weekend made it clear to me that this is what I'm meant to be doing right now. I'm feeling solid in my recovery, and have such a passion to share what I'm learning. After so much of my life spent trying to contain myself within small parameters, this feeling of expansiveness seems somewhat strange and tremulous, but also quite magical. It is an amazing feeling to finally be coming home to myself.

Eat, Breathe, Thrive

I'm home from The Yoga For Eating Disorders teacher's training in Denver, and looking forward to facilitating an Eat, Breathe, Thrive group here in Kansas City. I met some amazing people, and it was an experience that I will never forget. I'm still processing the weekend, but will post more soon!

Journey To Self Acceptance

There are many amazing opportunities coming my way right now, and dreams that have felt far away are close enough to reach out and grasp. This weekend I'm headed to Denver to be part of a Yoga For Eating Disorders training, and I'm very grateful for this opportunity. I was awarded a scholarship, but without my husbands support, I wouldn't be going. It means a great deal to know that he believes in my dream, and wants to help me make it happen. His health has been good since his radiation treatments, and will go in for a follow up MRI on March 17th. We will know for sure at that point how the radiation effected the tumor, but we feel positive that it will be good news.

My teacher's training weekends have been wonderful, and I have been busy with studying, taking and observing classes, and immersing myself in everything yoga! A friend of mine that I met during the training took some photographs of me for a workshop she is presenting, so I will post a few here. I was worried that I would be unhappy with my body, and be too critical of how I looked in the pictures, but I'm happy and proud of my reaction when I saw them for the first time. I look strong and healthy, and was able to see myself as a whole person, instead of just body parts that I could criticize. This is the body that I'm meant to have right now, at this time in my life. There has been tremendous peace and acceptance of the woman I am becoming.  I look forward to helping others on their journey to self acceptance, and will be posting about the Denver training when I return.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aham Prema

 

This is a picture that was taken at Stoll Park in Overland Park, Kansas.  We all gathered to celebrate the super moon and the summer solstice. I'm on the purple mat.

 

 

“My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am.”  ~Anais Nin

On the last Friday of every month, the yoga studio where I take classes holds Satsang, which is a Sanskrit word meaning "true company." My beautiful teacher, Emily Darling, leads us through various chants and meditations, and last week we chanted the Sanskrit words, "Aham Prema," which translates to, "I am divine love." As I was singing and listening to the collective unity of voices surrounding me, I was filled with overwhelming gratitude for the amount of love that I hold inside. How often do we recognize that we are love? When you begin to see your own true, divine love and light, the path ahead is illuminated. It became clear that I feel love because I am love, and I can be loved exactly as I am. I am lovable because of my imperfections, not in spite of them. What makes us human is what makes us capable of tremendous love, and the recognition of our own beauty allows us to share that gift with the world. There really is no other choice when I began to look at myself with love. When I say "No!" to the eating disorder, I'm choosing me. Everyday when I step on my yoga mat, I'm choosing me. I'm choosing me. I'm choosing love.

Isn't It Ironic

My hip hurts so badly that I cannot walk without wanting to cry, and even when I'm not walking, it still aches. The pain started up again at the beginning of the week, but I ignored it, hoping it would improve. Yesterday was so bad that I couldn't make it through work so I went home and called the doctor. I went in and actually cried in the office because of the pain. The doctor referred me to an orthopedic specialist and gave me some pain medication, which is not touching the pain. I couldn't get in for an appointment until Wednesday, but I don't know if I can deal with this until then. Dave wants to take me to the emergency room, but I don't know what they would do for me. I don't know what I'm going to do about work. The doctor that I saw yesterday thinks it is more than a stress fracture and that I need to have an MRI. I'm so frustrated that my body is falling apart when I've been making such a huge effort to take care of it. I don't have anymore sick days left at work and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my job. I can't work with kids like this, and I'm also afraid that I'm going to have permanent limitations that would make me unable to do my job. It is so ironic that today is the first day of the yoga teachers training that I had wanted to sign up for this year. I guess it is a good thing that it didn't work out, but it is taking my mind to a dark and negative place because I fear now that it will never happen. I found something good, and I don't deserve to have it. I purposely haven't written here in awhile because I have never wanted to be one of those people who talks about their aches and pains constantly, and that has been what my last couple of posts have been about. I've been so proactive about taking care of my health. I stopped eating gluten and dairy which seems to have helped with the itching, and I got off of all of my medications months ago. My therapist was not thrilled when I told her that I had discontinued the anti-depressants, but I have been fine without them. I'm down about the state of my physical health, but who wouldn't be? She is also worried that limiting what I eat is going to cause a relapse, but I'm being so careful. Life is full of irony for me right now. I'm finally taking care of my body, but maybe it is too late.

Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

After two months of not feeling well, and the doctor not finding much besides a high white blood cell count, I've decided to make some dietary changes and see if that will help with the symptoms I've been having. I've decided to go gluten-free and dairy-free . I already know that I'm allergic to dairy, but many of my symptoms point to an intolerance to gluten also. It may sound a bit drastic, but I'm desperate to feel better. I'm not sure how my nutritionist and therapist will feel about this. I'm afraid that they will think it is an excuse to eat a restrictive diet. With my history, I know that I will need to be careful, but I'm going to give it a shot and see how it goes. My one resolution that I made for this year was that I was going to eat three meals a day, and so far that has been going well. I'm really not concerned with my weight at this point. I've even recovered from seeing the number at the doctors last week. I truly just want to be healthy.

My Voice

I made it to both my therapy and my nutritionist sessions this week, although everything inside of me screamed that I did not want to go. I can be very stubborn at times, but my therapist said that she thought I should just come in to touch base, and that we didn't always have to dig into painful subjects. That took some of the pressure off, because last week I shut down, and could not talk about anything. I felt like because of my inability to communicate, that I was doing therapy wrong or something. I went on Wednesday, and we mostly talked about my job, and how I was doing with trying to be more of an authority figure, and also more assertive with people. I think it is going better. One of the teachers that I work with was out for most of this week, and I felt like I had more of a take charge attitude, and that staff members were coming to me when they had questions or needed guidance. I'm working really hard at this because it isn't in my nature to tell people what to do. I worry so much about whether people like me or not. I'm trying not to concern myself so much with this, and I think for the most part, I'm improving in this area. Even though sometimes I dread having therapy, I always want to see my therapist. She is like a harbor in the midst of a rough and raging sea, so when she told me that she would be going out of town for the weekend, I almost burst into tears right there in her office. I'm not sure why I was so emotional about it. I think it is because usually she gives me more of a heads up. I called her yesterday, and left a teary message, apologizing for crying, and making absolutely no sense. I hate feeling so attached and needy. I also feel this way when my husband isn't home. I'm fine if I'm the one leaving, but being left is painful, and my unrealistic fears get the better of me. She called me back right away, talking me through the anxiety, and by the end of the phone call, I had somewhat calmed down, although I'm still feeling sad about it. I also seem to get like this when my mom comes into town, and then she leaves. It always takes me some time to get my bearings, and because my therapist is like a mother figure to me, I'm sure that is why it is so painful when she is gone. I like the safety of being surrounded by all of my people! I've been having nightmares lately about being hunted down, running and running without end. It is always two faceless men, and in one dream, they torture my husband while I watch, knowing that it will soon be me. I awaken from these violent dreams, wanting to scream, but unable to find my voice. I think about finding my voice now, how I use this blog as a part of my voice, and how I'm actually speaking using my physical voice. It is difficult for me after so many years of silence, and sometimes my voice still gets caught in my throat, but I'm learning.

...To Not Feel this Way

I walked into the kitchen, seeing the plate of grilled hamburgers on the counter as I walked into the room. I was hungry, and hadn't eaten much all day, which was no excuse for ripping off a piece of the meat and stuffing it into my mouth. My husband walked into the kitchen at the same time, so I flung the meat back onto the plate, hoping that he hadn't seen that I was eating. As I read this back to myself I see the words "no excuse," as if I need to have a reason for eating. I know that realistically, I don't, and yet, that is always how I feel. I feel such shame for needing to eat. I'm doing better. I eat in restaurants, I order food for myself, I eat in front of people, but there are also so many times when I feel ashamed by the act of eating. I'm still trying to figure out where this shame comes from. If I could figure it out, I think I would be so much closer to healing. As always, I can tell myself that it is okay, and that I deserve food, but believing it is another thing entirely. I told my nutritionist about the whole incident today when we had our session, but I don't feel like she had much insight. I want an answer. I want to fix it...to not feel this way.

A Frightening Place

I had an appointment with my nutritionist after a month of not seeing her. Not much has changed in my eating. For the most part, the restriction is unfortunately a part of my routine. I told my nutritionist that it wasn't dangerous restriction, which as you guessed, she jumped all over. I only meant that it isn't as bad as it used to be. I had some very "normal" eating on Friday and Saturday, with movie treats and everything! I tend to think of a day with 3 meals and snacks as a huge binge, or at least for me, it feels that way. This morning hasn't been filled with positive self talk. The fear when increasing my food intake is that I will lose control, overeating on a daily basis, and that I will never be satisfied. The amount of restricting I'm doing has nothing to do with wanting to lose weight. For one thing, it isn't affecting my weight, which has been stable for some time. It is more about controlling my feelings, and keeping the fear at bay, or at least that is my perception. Unfortunately, my perceptions are often of the black and white variety, without the shades of grey in between. I wish I could say that today I will not restrict, because I do know that I hold the choices in my hand. The right choice means sitting with feelings of discomfort. I already feel uncomfortable with my body after eating more food than usual in the past two days. My mind tells me that if I can restrict today, those feelings will go away. I'm still trying to figure out why I allowed myself to let go and eat this weekend. If I can do that for two days, then maybe I can do it everyday. I wonder when all of this ambivalence will disappear. When will I want more than anything to let it all go? I do know that the answer resides within, and that I'm searching everywhere but inside of myself because I'm afraid of what I might find. I'm afraid that maybe I do not deserve freedom. The unknown is a frightening place.

The Comfort Zone

I saw my nutritionist last night for the first time in three weeks. I really don't feel the need to see her as often, but there are still issues that I have. Right now I eat on the run a lot. I still can't make myself eat lunch in the teachers lounge, so I eat in my car. It's always protein bars or yogurt, which feel safe. I rarely sit down for dinner with my family because I go to yoga every night. I can't eat before I go, because yoga on a full stomach is not wise, so I have to wait until I get home, and by then my family has already had dinner. I'm not really eating with people much, but I'm eating! We talked about how I seem to need to be doing something to distract myself while I eat so that I'm not as focused on the fact that I'm actually eating. Dinner is often standing up in the kitchen while I pace around. I'm not restricting, so whatever works is good for me at the moment. I will try to work on some of this during my Christmas break. I will try to sit down more often and be present. I'm in a comfort zone right now with how I'm eating, and thinking of changing anything makes me a bit nervous, but I will try!

Jackie's Hat

In this picture, I'm wearing a hat that my friend Jackie Heyen crocheted for me. She is starting to sell some of her work, so please go check out her website. Besides being crafty, she is also a talented singer/songwriter, and has a music cd that she recorded about her recovery from anorexia called Journey To Worthy. I actually met Jackie on myspace almost 5 years ago. She was promoting her cd, and I got in touch with her because I was desperate to talk with someone who had completely recovered. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders ever since. When I went into treatment she came and visited me, and a few summers ago she drove her motorcycle here from Florida to stay for a few days. She is so inspiring, and helped me believe that there could be full recovery from an eating disorder. I've been so blessed to have her friendship in my life. It is always amazing to me how people come into our lives exactly when we need them.

Anorexia And My Family

My son posted this picture on Facebook the other day, saying that this was the body type he preferred. It doesn't surprise me, but I've always been worried about how my anorexia affected my children. I know that it was hard on them when I went in-patient. I think it has made them more aware of the societal pressures to be thin. It still frightens me that I find the thinner body more attractive, and wish that were more my natural body type, but I am learning to accept the shape that I am. I'm doing so well with my eating, and even during times of stress I'm managing to keep up with my intake. Being hungry still freaks me out, and I wait until I can no longer ignore it before I eat, but I'm sure with time I will get used to the feeling without letting it cause me anxiety. Thanksgiving, as most people with eating disorders will tell you, is difficult. I get overwhelmed with so many choices, and the amount of food. I still feel like people watch me, looking for signs of my illness, but it is most likely only in my mind. I'm just trying to focus on spending time with my family, and not worry so much about the eating part. I'm wishing all of you a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Stronger Than Today

“This is the weird aftermath, when it is not exactly over, and yet you have given it up. You go back and forth in your head, often, about giving it up. It’s hard to understand, when you are sitting there in your chair, having breakfast or whatever, that giving it up is stronger than holding on, that “letting yourself go” could mean you have succeeded rather than failed. You eat your goddamn Cheerios and bicker with the bitch in your head that keeps telling you you’re fat and weak: Shut up, you say, I’m busy, leave me alone. When she leaves you alone, there’s a silence and a solitude that will take some getting used to. You will miss her sometimes...There is, in the end, the letting go.”

~ Marya Hornbacher

Sometimes the feeling of insatiable hunger chokes me, and I do miss the feeling that I could conquer the emptiness. I feel weak for eating, and for being hungry. I hate the hunger. I'm afraid of the hunger, and of needing more than I should have. Tonight I ate dinner, and only hours later, I'm hungry again. It really pisses me off to tell the truth. Eating everytime I'm hungry seems excessive and greedy. I used to be so good at ignoring the grinding of my stomach...of actually enjoying the pain it caused, because I felt I deserved that pain. It blocked out all of the other pain, the memories, and the sadness. Today was one of those days when feeling felt too hard, and I wanted to do everything I knew of to get rid of it. I managed to avoid alcohol because I knew that later the sorrow would knock me over the edge, but there is still my eating disorder...my fall back. Today it is more the intrusive thoughts of wanting to go back, even though I did eat lunch and dinner, and so I worry about tomorrow because right this moment, even though I know I'm hungry, I will not eat, and I'm in the planning stages of not eating tomorrow. And so I ask myself,"What are you avoiding?" "What hurt are you trying to push away?" I come up blank, as if there is a curtain over the truth that I do not want to see. Maybe I will look at it tomorrow, when I'm stronger than today.

It Will All Be Okay

I was cussed out by a 6 yr. old on the playground today. I'm smiling as I say cussed out because he has autism, and his "words" were not understandable, and yet the tone was definitely cursing! Those are the times when I love my job. He didn't want to go back inside, and I didn't blame him on this beautiful autumn day.

I still haven't left the aggressive student that I work with in the morning though. I'm riding out the storm, and I'm not restraining right now until my broken finger heals. There is another meeting for him tomorrow, and so many people have come into observe him. I think things will change, or he will be transfered to a more appropriate setting than a school classroom. Maybe this is wishful thinking...

Stress is high at home with my son, who was arrested on a drug charge, and is also on the autism spectrum. He is getting diversion, but it costs $850.00, so we had to ask for a continuance because we don't have the money. The judge gave us 8 weeks to come up with the money. We barely make our bills as it is, so we don't have that kind of money just lying around. I have faith that it will work out, but it is a difficult situation none the less.

On the yoga front, I'm practicing, broken finger and all. It holds my sanity in place like nothing else can. Of course the drugs also help ;-)

That brings me to the eating disorder. My recovery is going in such a forward direction, and even though I have stress right now, I'm still eating like a "normal" person. That is not to say that everyday is not a struggle, but I push myself to do it, even though there is the other voice in my head that still whispers to me. I'm learning to accept my body the way it is, flaws and all. So, oh well, I'm not a Victoria's Secret model...it is okay. It will all be okay.

Open Up The Doors

Is it too soon to say that I think I'm recovered? Probably, but I've been eating consistently for about a month. The whole body image thing still sucks, but my nutritionist says that is the last to go. I look, I criticize, and the feeling of taking up too much space can be overwhelming at times. What other people tell me they see is so confusing in my mind. The whole preoccupation with weight is something that occurs daily. It is a constant topic of conversation among my co-workers. Even the one male we have in the classroom talks about it because he used to be 100 lbs. overweight. Still, we have a candy jar in our room. I think in terms of good foods and bad foods, but I eat what my family eats, which isn't always what I feel safe eating. If I was left to my own devices, I would probably exist on protein bars, and yogurt. Sometimes when I add up in my head all that I've consumed in a day, I panic, so I do know that I still have more work to do. I know that I say all of the time how much yoga has changed me, and really I can't even explain it, but it inspires me to be better, to try harder, and to keep reaching. It is the one time of the day when my mind is totally clear, and the thoughts slow down. When I have something that I'm passionate about, I feel alive, and it renews my passion for other things in my life. Today I don't want to talk about pain. For today, I have let it go.