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Saturday, January 19, 2013

Isn't It Ironic


My hip hurts so badly that I cannot walk without wanting to cry, and even when I'm not walking, it still aches. The pain started up again at the beginning of the week, but I ignored it, hoping it would improve. Yesterday was so bad that I couldn't make it through work so I went home and called the doctor. I went in and actually cried in the office because of the pain. The doctor referred me to an orthopedic specialist and gave me some pain medication, which is not touching the pain. I couldn't get in for an appointment until Wednesday, but I don't know if I can deal with this until then. Dave wants to take me to the emergency room, but I don't know what they would do for me. I don't know what I'm going to do about work. The doctor that I saw yesterday thinks it is more than a stress fracture and that I need to have an MRI. I'm so frustrated that my body is falling apart when I've been making such a huge effort to take care of it. I don't have anymore sick days left at work and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my job. I can't work with kids like this, and I'm also afraid that I'm going to have permanent limitations that would make me unable to do my job. It is so ironic that today is the first day of the yoga teachers training that I had wanted to sign up for this year. I guess it is a good thing that it didn't work out, but it is taking my mind to a dark and negative place because I fear now that it will never happen. I found something good, and I don't deserve to have it. I purposely haven't written here in awhile because I have never wanted to be one of those people who talks about their aches and pains constantly, and that has been what my last couple of posts have been about. I've been so proactive about taking care of my health. I stopped eating gluten and dairy which seems to have helped with the itching, and I got off of all of my medications months ago. My therapist was not thrilled when I told her that I had discontinued the anti-depressants, but I have been fine without them. I'm down about the state of my physical health, but who wouldn't be? She is also worried that limiting what I eat is going to cause a relapse, but I'm being so careful. Life is full of irony for me right now. I'm finally taking care of my body, but maybe it is too late.