Are You Comfortable In Your Skin?

What does it mean to be comfortable in your skin? As someone who has both battled an eating disorder, and also have many friends who struggle, it is a common thing to say and to also hear. We think that if we could only be a certain weight, we would be "comfortable," but I will tell you that this is untrue. What we are uncomfortable with has nothing to do with the size of our bodies. What we are uncomfortable with is being present. It is impossible to find comfort when you are continuously running from yourself. How often do we sit with ourselves in silence, being still and aware? Today I took a yoga class with a teacher that I love, but don't often get to take classes from, and she said as we were settling into Downward Facing Dog, "Fill in the blank...I am grateful for...," and immediately I thought, "I feel grateful for my strong and resilient body." Oh, how I made my body suffer, trying to find some shred of comfort...my heart became weak, severe osteoporosis, my hair clogged the drain every time I took a shower, and I was beyond tired. Yes, I was thin, but I was far from comfortable.  I wasn't trying to be comfortable, I was trying not to be...

When we are present, we journey beyond our bodies, into the deepest part of ourselves, and into the truest form of who we are. I began to nurture my body by feeding it, and at first it was painful, and definitely uncomfortable. Discomfort doesn't even begin to describe the intensity I was feeling both emotionally and physically. Re-feeding isn't pretty. Does recovery mean you will always feel at home in the skin you inhabit? NO! The flow of healing isn't linear. There are peaks and valleys, and often we learn the most from those places of supposed inertia. Listen to the silences, and pay attention to your soul. Your soul is speaking...

Be still...

"And so there must be in life something like a catastrophic turning point, when the world we know ceases to exist. A moment that transforms us into a different person from one heartbeat to the next."

~ From "The Art Of Hearing Heartbeats" by Jan Philipp Sendker

On My Way

This is just a quick post, but I wanted to thank everyone for their support and suggestions. I feel like I've been doing better since last week. I've increased my food intake some, and even ate chili at a friends house over the weekend. It was uncomfortable, but I did it anyway. I can't believe how loud the eating disorder is, and how quickly it seemed to sneak up on me. Right here in this moment, I feel determined to beat this, and more positive than I have been in a while.

Reaching Out

I'm feeling good about how well I took care of myself yesterday, and today is a much easier day. I was able to reach out for help, and talked to my entire support team about what was going on. I struggled with food, but I was able to make myself a smoothie late in the afternoon, and I was also able to eat dinner. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I did many things to distract myself. I went for a walk, went to the grocery store, painted my nails, cleaned up the house, did laundry, listened to music, and watched a really funny movie called Confessions Of A Shopaholic, which I really enjoyed. It made me laugh, and that is what I needed to lift my heart up and out of the darkness of the past. Blogging and expressing my feelings also helps me to sort things out in my mind and gives me a plan of action. I'm so glad that I have this outlet!
Today has been nice and relaxing, and tonight we are going to spend the evening with Dave's family. His sister and uncle are in town, and tomorrow we will be celebrating his moms 70th birthday. It will be a fun and busy weekend filled with family which is just what I need right now. Later tonight Dave and I are also going to listen to a friend of his who plays in a band, and meet up with some of his old high school friends. I'm looking forward to that since we don't often go out without the kids. It helps so much to have activities and plans that will keep me busy and get me out of the house. It is easy for me to start isolating myself, and that never leads to anything good.
I want to thank everyone who has been reading and offering their support and encouragement. It helps a great deal to know that I'm not alone with many of my feelings, and that others have shared the same problems that I'm going through. I'm feeling stronger everyday!

In The Moment

I had an appointment with my nutritionist tonight, and it was much needed. Since we have returned from vacation, I've had a hard time with food, being very restrictive with my choices, and only eating foods that I feel safe eating. In the past three days I have only eaten egg whites, broccoli, carrots, and fat free yogurt. I think it felt like when we were on vacation, that I ate A LOT, and I feel guilty about it. I also want to lose some weight. I talked with my nutritionist about all of this, and she began to ask me some questions. First she asked if I felt like I had gained weight during our vacation. I said that my weight felt the same. She doesn't weigh me unless I ask her too, but I can tell by how my clothes fit whether I have gained or not. She asked me why I was cutting my calorie intake, and I told her it was because I wanted to lose some weight. She then told me that since I had not gained weight over vacation, that it meant that my metabolic rate had increased, and that cutting my calories would make the rate go back down, therefore making it harder for me to lose weight. We also talked about how I would feel if I did start losing some weight. Could I honestly say that it wouldn't be triggering for me, and would I know when enough was enough? I came to the realization that I wouldn't be able to judge when enough was enough. I'm not there yet. I want to be, but I'm not. I want to think that I can safely cut my calories in a healthy way, which is what I had talked myself into thinking that I was doing. I told myself that I was eating, but just in a healthy way. I wasn't starving myself. I was STILL eating. Right? This is why I can't recover on my own, and why I encourage anyone with an eating disorder to get outside help. I need to see my nutritionist on a weekly basis at this point because otherwise my thinking goes astray. The hardest thing for me to do is to live in the moment. We talked about how I always feel like I have to be working towards some goal, and how that goal for me has usually been losing weight. It is tangible, I can see it, and it was something that for a long time, I felt I was good at. It made me feel successful at a time when I didn't feel I was good at much else. Living in the moment means appreciating where my body is, and what it can do for me right now. I am strong. I can climb up mountains, so I will live with my body where it is right now without a goal for how to change it. That is why I call this blog Here And Now, because that is constantly what I have to remind myself. It is what life is all about.

Not All Black And White

Tonight I have therapy, and then after therapy, I see my nutritionist. It feels like I have been through so much, and that more than a weeks time has past since my last appointments, but it really has only been a week. I was either disconnected or in a dissociative state for most of last week, and I'm not really sure what triggered this. My eating has been very restrictive, and I think that has a great deal to do with my ability to stay connected and present. I'm slowly increasing my intake like my nutritionist suggested, and that has helped. Last week when I saw her, I kept saying that I didn't think I could go back to eating what was on my meal plan, but she reminded me that I didn't have to do it all at once. My black and white thinking can really do a number on me. I'm glad that I have so much support to help guide me back in the right direction.

Don't Turn Around

There are days
when what is the past
can seem to overshadow
the beauty of the present.

I wrote this poem
awhile back

At times,
as we all do,
I still need
to be reminded

and that
is the reason
for the title
of this blog

I am here
I am now

~Here And Now~

For me,
my husband,
and of course,
my four angels!


Don't Turn Around

Oh, the strong arms
of a quiet man!
My heart expands
beneath
his warm hands.

Love grows strong
and days swirl fast.
Spinning,
spinning,
spinning past.

One,
two,
three,
four...

Golden arms,
baby tears.
Their sweet
whispered secrets
in my ear.

So,
I must not
waste away
Always
trying
to hide
from pain
Seeking shadows,
finding rain

The past
can never
be undone,
and shadows
often lie.
Nightmares
turn my dreams
to dust.
Stealing
what is mine
to trust.

Hold on tight!
Feet on the ground
Grasp this life
Don't turn around

Angela Minard 2007

Living In The Moment

It was a beautiful day spent with people who make me smile.
I love this girl!