Here and Now

What does it mean to be comfortable in your skin? As someone who has both battled an eating disorder, and also have many friends who struggle, it is a common thing to say and to also hear. We think that if we could only be a certain weight, we would be "comfortable," but I will tell you that this is untrue. What we are uncomfortable with has nothing to do with the size of our bodies. What we are uncomfortable with is being present. It is impossible to find comfort when you are continuously running from yourself. How often do we sit with ourselves in silence, being still and aware? Today I took a yoga class with a teacher that I love, but don't often get to take classes from, and she said as we were settling into Downward Facing Dog, "Fill in the blank...I am grateful for...," and immediately I thought, "I feel grateful for my strong and resilient body." Oh, how I made my body suffer, trying to find some shred of comfort...my heart became weak, se...

This is just a quick post, but I wanted to thank everyone for their support and suggestions. I feel like I've been doing better since last week. I've increased my food intake some, and even ate chili at a friends house over the weekend. It was uncomfortable, but I did it anyway. I can't believe how loud the eating disorder is, and how quickly it seemed to sneak up on me. Right here in this moment, I feel determined to beat this, and more positive than I have been in a while.

I'm feeling good about how well I took care of myself yesterday, and today is a much easier day. I was able to reach out for help, and talked to my entire support team about what was going on. I struggled with food, but I was able to make myself a smoothie late in the afternoon, and I was also able to eat dinner. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I did many things to distract myself. I went for a walk, went to the grocery store, painted my nails, cleaned up the house, did laundry, listened to music, and watched a really funny movie called Confessions Of A Shopaholic, which I really enjoyed. It made me laugh, and that is what I needed to lift my heart up and out of the darkness of the past. Blogging and expressing my feelings also helps me to sort things out in my mind and gives me a plan of action. I'm so glad that I have this outlet! Today has been nice and relaxing, and tonight we are going to spend the evening with Dave's family. His sister and uncle are in town, and tom...

I had an appointment with my nutritionist tonight, and it was much needed. Since we have returned from vacation, I've had a hard time with food, being very restrictive with my choices, and only eating foods that I feel safe eating. In the past three days I have only eaten egg whites, broccoli, carrots, and fat free yogurt. I think it felt like when we were on vacation, that I ate A LOT, and I feel guilty about it. I also want to lose some weight. I talked with my nutritionist about all of this, and she began to ask me some questions. First she asked if I felt like I had gained weight during our vacation. I said that my weight felt the same. She doesn't weigh me unless I ask her too, but I can tell by how my clothes fit whether I have gained or not. She asked me why I was cutting my calorie intake, and I told her it was because I wanted to lose some weight. She then told me that since I had not gained weight over vacation, that it meant that my metabolic rate had increased, and ...

Tonight I have therapy, and then after therapy, I see my nutritionist. It feels like I have been through so much, and that more than a weeks time has past since my last appointments, but it really has only been a week. I was either disconnected or in a dissociative state for most of last week, and I'm not really sure what triggered this. My eating has been very restrictive, and I think that has a great deal to do with my ability to stay connected and present. I'm slowly increasing my intake like my nutritionist suggested, and that has helped. Last week when I saw her, I kept saying that I didn't think I could go back to eating what was on my meal plan, but she reminded me that I didn't have to do it all at once. My black and white thinking can really do a number on me. I'm glad that I have so much support to help guide me back in the right direction.

There are days when what is the past can seem to overshadow the beauty of the present. I wrote this poem awhile back At times, as we all do, I still need to be reminded and that is the reason for the title of this blog I am here I am now ~Here And Now~ For me, my husband, and of course, my four angels! Don't Turn Around Oh, the strong arms of a quiet man! My heart expands beneath his warm hands. Love grows strong and days swirl fast. Spinning, spinning, spinning past. One, two, three, four... Golden arms, baby tears. Their sweet whispered secrets in my ear. So, I must not waste away Always trying to hide from pain Seeking shadows, finding rain The past can never be undone, and shadows often lie. Nightmares turn my dreams to dust. Stealing what is mine to trust. Hold on tight! Feet on the ground Grasp this life Don't turn around Angela Minard 2007

It was a beautiful day spent with people who make me smile. I love this girl!