Wednesday, June 17, 2009

In The Moment

girl w/ butterfly Pictures, Images and Photos

I had an appointment with my nutritionist tonight, and it was much needed. Since we have returned from vacation, I've had a hard time with food, being very restrictive with my choices, and only eating foods that I feel safe eating. In the past three days I have only eaten egg whites, broccoli, carrots, and fat free yogurt. I think it felt like when we were on vacation, that I ate A LOT, and I feel guilty about it. I also want to lose some weight. I talked with my nutritionist about all of this, and she began to ask me some questions. First she asked if I felt like I had gained weight during our vacation. I said that my weight felt the same. She doesn't weigh me unless I ask her too, but I can tell by how my clothes fit whether I have gained or not. She asked me why I was cutting my calorie intake, and I told her it was because I wanted to lose some weight. She then told me that since I had not gained weight over vacation, that it meant that my metabolic rate had increased, and that cutting my calories would make the rate go back down, therefore making it harder for me to lose weight. We also talked about how I would feel if I did start losing some weight. Could I honestly say that it wouldn't be triggering for me, and would I know when enough was enough? I came to the realization that I wouldn't be able to judge when enough was enough. I'm not there yet. I want to be, but I'm not. I want to think that I can safely cut my calories in a healthy way, which is what I had talked myself into thinking that I was doing. I told myself that I was eating, but just in a healthy way. I wasn't starving myself. I was STILL eating. Right? This is why I can't recover on my own, and why I encourage anyone with an eating disorder to get outside help. I need to see my nutritionist on a weekly basis at this point because otherwise my thinking goes astray. The hardest thing for me to do is to live in the moment. We talked about how I always feel like I have to be working towards some goal, and how that goal for me has usually been losing weight. It is tangible, I can see it, and it was something that for a long time, I felt I was good at. It made me feel successful at a time when I didn't feel I was good at much else. Living in the moment means appreciating where my body is, and what it can do for me right now. I am strong. I can climb up mountains, so I will live with my body where it is right now without a goal for how to change it. That is why I call this blog Here And Now, because that is constantly what I have to remind myself. It is what life is all about.


clean and crazy said...

what a beautiful and empowering post. i love your sincerity and honesty. it is the little things like that where we need to look at with someones help. i am so glad you see your nutritionist. it is like for me, seeing my sponsor and getting the guidance i not only want but need so my inner addict doesn't take me out to left field with my insane thinking. i am heading to the gym to work out this is the 3rd time this week and i went 3x's last week!! it does make me feel better to exercise. i need to be right where my feet are, my sponsor tells me the same dang thing live in the moment and the moment is now!! take care, i just loved reading this. i love reading all your blogs though. you have such a talent, especially when you write your poems, those are deep and from the heart. beautiful just the way you are

Angel said...

Thank you so much! That is great that you have been working out regularly. I know that really helps with my depression. Keep on doing what you are doing:)

Take care

The Actors Diet said...

Keep up the hard work - it's worth it!!! Have you read any of eckhart tolle books? Really helps with a guide on how to live in the present.

Dr. J said...

I decided to visit after seeing your comment. I'm sorry for the struggles you have to deal with. Everyone is fighting some battle, some more challenging than others. Sometimes I feel that I'm either struggling, or ready for further punishment :-)

I focus on doing the things that keep me fit rather than a weight, and it seems to be helpful for me.

Egg Beaten Angel said...

Hang in there, Angela!
I know it's hard, but every day you get through is another day closer to getting better. I like the motto "here and now" here and now. It's a simple but sincere reminder of how wonderful life is.

And I like Dr. J's last comment. I'm going to try that from now on.