In The Moment

I had an appointment with my nutritionist tonight, and it was much needed. Since we have returned from vacation, I've had a hard time with food, being very restrictive with my choices, and only eating foods that I feel safe eating. In the past three days I have only eaten egg whites, broccoli, carrots, and fat free yogurt. I think it felt like when we were on vacation, that I ate A LOT, and I feel guilty about it. I also want to lose some weight. I talked with my nutritionist about all of this, and she began to ask me some questions. First she asked if I felt like I had gained weight during our vacation. I said that my weight felt the same. She doesn't weigh me unless I ask her too, but I can tell by how my clothes fit whether I have gained or not. She asked me why I was cutting my calorie intake, and I told her it was because I wanted to lose some weight. She then told me that since I had not gained weight over vacation, that it meant that my metabolic rate had increased, and that cutting my calories would make the rate go back down, therefore making it harder for me to lose weight. We also talked about how I would feel if I did start losing some weight. Could I honestly say that it wouldn't be triggering for me, and would I know when enough was enough? I came to the realization that I wouldn't be able to judge when enough was enough. I'm not there yet. I want to be, but I'm not. I want to think that I can safely cut my calories in a healthy way, which is what I had talked myself into thinking that I was doing. I told myself that I was eating, but just in a healthy way. I wasn't starving myself. I was STILL eating. Right? This is why I can't recover on my own, and why I encourage anyone with an eating disorder to get outside help. I need to see my nutritionist on a weekly basis at this point because otherwise my thinking goes astray. The hardest thing for me to do is to live in the moment. We talked about how I always feel like I have to be working towards some goal, and how that goal for me has usually been losing weight. It is tangible, I can see it, and it was something that for a long time, I felt I was good at. It made me feel successful at a time when I didn't feel I was good at much else. Living in the moment means appreciating where my body is, and what it can do for me right now. I am strong. I can climb up mountains, so I will live with my body where it is right now without a goal for how to change it. That is why I call this blog Here And Now, because that is constantly what I have to remind myself. It is what life is all about.