Here and Now

I have reached a huge recovery milestone, and so today is ending with an overflowing amount of gratitude and joy. I have been seeing a nutritionist for 7 years, and today was my final appointment. I truly do not feel I would be alive right now if it had not been for the dedicated treatment team that I have. After a few sessions with my therapist, she insisted that I also seek the help of a nutritionist, and referred me to the amazing woman who would help to guide me through this recovery journey. I was not always the most compliant client, but ultimately, she found techniques to encourage me in a way that was both firm and kind. I was looking through old blog posts, and it is mind boggling the things I have already "forgotten." There were the years that I ate nothing for days on end, and then the day I finally agreed to go in-patient. There were the days weaning myself from laxative abuse, then being able to work towards eating in front of people and weaning myself aw...

~Artwork by Nishant Dange   It is important for me to feel like I'm helping others, but I don't think I realized how much so, until the beginning of this week when trying to help someone didn't go the way I intended. I immediately realized my mistake when the person reacted to my well-meaning intentions with anger. I apologized because so often when another person comes to you with their pain, all they want is to be heard and comforted. What I tried to do was offer solutions instead of acknowledging their pain, and I still feel horrible about it. The experience has opened up some feelings inside of me that I'm trying to figure out and learn from. I have felt like crying ever since, but have been refusing to give in, as if it would be self-indulgent and weak. My feelings in general have been intense since my first yoga teacher's training weekend. Joy and gratefulness overwhelmed me, and I floated around for an entire week after, p...

I had an appointment with my nutritionist after a month of not seeing her. Not much has changed in my eating. For the most part, the restriction is unfortunately a part of my routine. I told my nutritionist that it wasn't dangerous restriction, which as you guessed, she jumped all over. I only meant that it isn't as bad as it used to be. I had some very "normal" eating on Friday and Saturday, with movie treats and everything! I tend to think of a day with 3 meals and snacks as a huge binge, or at least for me, it feels that way. This morning hasn't been filled with positive self talk. The fear when increasing my food intake is that I will lose control, overeating on a daily basis, and that I will never be satisfied. The amount of restricting I'm doing has nothing to do with wanting to lose weight. For one thing, it isn't affecting my weight, which has been stable for some time. It is more about controlling my feelings, and keeping the fear at bay, or at l...

Today I graduated to an every other week schedule with my nutritionist instead of a weekly appointment, after 4 years. It has taken me that long to actually feel like I can do this recovery thing. I've finally gotten to the point where I can eat three times a day. For so long, my rule was eating once a day. Rules are hard for me to break, especially the ones I have set up for myself, but each day that I do, it gets that much easier. I'm doing yoga six days a week, and eating more, and what do you know...I've lost weight! As much as my nutritionist told me that was the way it worked, I could not get myself to believe her. She would tell me that my body was in starvation mode, therefore holding onto everything it could, but all that I could see was that eating equaled weight gain. When I went into treatment I thought that was my proof. I gained weight for eating, and everyone was out to fatten me up. With yoga, I'm so much more present in my body, reveling in what it can ...

I had therapy last night, and see my nutritionist this evening. My therapsit wants me to add an ensure to my intake, but I don't feel like I can do it, or really want to do it. They are worried about the fact that I'm burning more calories than I'm taking in. I know this is true, but I'm trying to do this in a slow way. My weight has changed a bit, but really not that much, and certainly not enough to be concerned. They are also worried that as I see my weight and body change in a positive way, it will trigger me to become obsessive. Who me?...Obsessive? I understand the concern, and I am committed to getting to yoga five times a week, but only because it makes me feel so good. Yes, I want to see some positive changes in the way my body looks, but that is secondary to how I feel. I'm going to add more food, and I know that some people think that you have to jump right into a proper meal plan. That is what they make you do in treatment, but I think doing it that way ...

I had a psychiatrist appointment this morning, and I told her about my problems with sleep, the racing thoughts, and the anxiety. I think the anxiety coincides with the racing thoughts. My mind gets stuck on a loop of past mistakes, or stupid little things that I've done or said, and I tend to replay them over and over again, until the anxiety builds up, and I walk around feeling like a horrible person. My psychiatrist changed the dosages on my medications and hopefully that will help. I hate having to rely on medication, but I'm facing the fact that I will probably be on them for a long time, if not the rest of my life. *SIGH* Half of my week is going to be spent seeing my treatment team. Tomorrow is therapy and Thursday is my nutritionist. I think that I've done better with food in the past few days. I ate what everyone else was eating for dinner a couple of nights ago, and I ate breakfast this morning. I get full so easily though because my stomach has shrunk due to the ...

It has been a very busy week, not counting the two snow days that we had, and I'm thankful for Friday, and a long weekend. My therapy and nutritionist sessions were especially difficult this week, and left me feeling emotionally drained. My therapist is doing a new patient portal on the internet, and she had me go there to fill out some forms. Two of the forms were assessments of eating disordered behavior. It asked questions like what has been your highest and lowest weight, how often do you restrict, do you count calories, etc... I was frustrated as I was filling them out, because my therapist knows most of the information, and it was really causing me a lot of anxiety, although I couldn't really pinpoint why at the time. I wanted to call my therapist because for some reason I was feeling angry about having to complete those forms, but she leaves early on Thursday, and doesn't work on Friday. I went in to see my nutritionist Thursday night, and the first thing she said wa...

Although I feel calmer than I have in awhile, I've still been struggling with food. Part of the problem is that I have zero appetite. This morning my husband reminded me to grab a protein bar, and also pointed out that I didn't eat dinner last night. Honestly dinner slipped my mind, because I wasn't at all hungry, and then I fell asleep before everyone else ate. My husband has been great about fixing dinner for everyone because I've been so tired when I get home lately. Those busy little kindergarteners wear me out in the afternoon. It is hard when my appetite doesn't cue me to eat. I know that sticking with a meal plan would help me to stay on track, but the meal plan that my nutritionist would like me to follow seems like too much food to eat, especially every day. I know that is probably a cop out, but I'm so afraid that I will gain weight if I eat that much. I think that I just can't eat as much as everyone else does. I'm not unhappy with my weight t...

I'm barely eating. Even dinner has gone by the wayside, and although I'm so tired of being like this, there is the nagging voice in my head that tells me that I must not eat. I refused to be weighed by my nutritionist last week, and not because I'm afraid that the scale will tell me that I'm losing, but because I'm afraid that it will tell me that I'm not. I'm too exhausted to even get on the treadmill, and that makes me feel guilty. I'm worried about work, and my sleep is fitful at best. I'm being moved to yet another school on Monday. At least it is in a Jr. High, which I prefer to the younger kids, but it is starting over somewhere new, which causes me a great amount of anxiety. I'm still with the kindergartner's in the afternoons, and I'm not really loving that. All it is is potty training and chasing kids around for the most part, and not the best use of my skills as far as I'm concerned. I'm sorry that all that I do is compl...

I made it through this first week of school, and I do have to say that it wasn't all that bad. On Thursday I was moved back into the Jr. High temporarily in the mornings until I can train someone new to take my place, so it was good to be back in my old classroom where I feel at home. I'm still with the little people in the afternoons. I've been exhausted when I come home from work. I get my toes stepped on a lot, and I've been working with a biter, which isn't all that much fun, but I've managed to keep the teeth away from making contact so far! It is such a busy and chaotic environment, but I'm sure that I will adjust to it. I do like the staff, and they have all been welcoming. I have to be prepared for moving again though, and I don't do well with change. It is definitely a part of the job that I don't like. The kids make it worth it, and I feel like I've at least accomplished something at the end of the week. Lunch between schools has been o...

Yesterday I had an appointment with my nutritionist. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting her time and my money when I go. I'm not really the most compliant client. Yesterday's session was productive though. We talked about the voice that I have inside of my head, which she called the "critical parent." These are some of the things that the "critical parent" says to me; "You are a failure if you eat." "You have no willpower." "You are weak." " You haven't accomplished enough to deserve food." The perfectionist in me doesn't want to disobey, so daily I allow myself to be abused. By this point in my life I feel beaten down by this constant critical voice inside of my head. Standing up to the "critical parent" is the difficult part. I have trouble making my own voice heard, so standing up for myself feels like a daunting task. I told my nutritionist that I don't feel sick enough to fully recover. Sh...

Yesterday was my appointment with my nutritionist, and it went well. I was nervous because I knew that I was going to be weighed. I'm doing blind weights, so I don't know what my actual weight is, although I still guess at it! I hadn't been weighed in a few weeks, and although I haven't gained any weight in a year, I'm still always anxious about it. My weight has been stable, but this week I had actually lost 3 1/2 lbs. I was really excited about it, and yes, probably too excited. I was so worried that increasing my food intake would make me gain, but this proves to me that's not the case, and I'm so relieved. Now I feel more comfortable with my meal plan, and I think the exercise is helping to boost my metabolism, which has been sluggish due to the restricting. I know that it's not about losing weight, but being healthy, or at least I hope that if I keep on telling myself that, I will believe it. Losing weight is so seductive, and for me, all it leads t...

My therapy and nutritionist sessions were hard this week, and I'm feeling discouraged. Everyone feels like I'm using avoidance types of behaviors, and that in many ways, I'm fooling myself into believing I'm fine, when really I'm not fine. It is frustrating for others to believe that you have a problem, when you can't see the problems for yourself. I feel like I'm trying to eat, but I'm still basically only having one meal a day. My therapist is not happy with my progress when it comes to food. I told her that I've eaten lunch instead of having Boost twice this week, but that doesn't seem good enough. I know that I'm not eating breakfast, and that my calories are still too low, but I'm afraid of adding more food. My weight has basically stayed the same for awhile now. My nutritionist says that my body is used to running in starvation mode, and that it will adjust to added calories. I'm not very trusting of that. I'm trying to chan...

It has taken me over an entire year to get used to this new body, this body with curves and substance. Last year I couldn’t even look into the mirror without wanting to cry. I missed my bones, the absence of flesh, and the hunger to remind me that I was real. It takes some getting used to, but I’m at a point of acceptance, and that feels good, and a long time coming. Even at my sickest and lowest weight, it was never enough, and I felt that I could never be good enough. My therapist and I often talk about how I can feel like too much and never enough, all in the same breath. Such a contradiction! This is the most stable I’ve felt in years. My weight is stable and healthy. I might not always feel happy and comfortable in my own skin, but there are many days that I do, and that is one hell of an improvement. Do I still restrict, and have trouble with food? Yes, most definitely, I do. I still have old rules in my head, and strange food rituals and habits. Those die hard, as they are so de...

Off and on today, the sun has been pushing it's way through the thick cloud cover. That is a bit like how my life feels right now. I see and feel glimpses of the warm sun peeking through the darkness, and I have hope. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon. It went really well. I'm feeling less depressed and anxious, so she is lowering the Abilify because it makes me restless and fidgety. I hope that will be okay, since other than those side affects, my mood has been more positive. Today is also the official start of spring break. I have ten blissful days off, although I don't have any big plans. I'm going to spring clean, and hopefully plant some pansies in my window boxes if the weather warms up. I saw my therapist on Wednesday, and my nutritionist yesterday. They were good sessions, but not much new to report. I'm just working on the same old issues. My nutritionist wants to increase my food intake, but I'm not ready. I'm so comfortable ...

"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had." I talked to my therapist on Wednesday about my sadness, and how low I’ve been feeling. She suggested that maybe I’m grieving the loss of the eating disorder. I had never really thought about that, but it does fit. I’m struggling, and sometimes I’m not even sure that I want to give it up. I purged two times this week. One time was over some fast food that I ate, and the other time I wasn’t even sure why I did it until I talked with my nutritionist. We talked about what had been going on that day, and I told her that I had received a text from my brother that had hurt my feelings. In the text he says that I’m being a coward for not calling my parents sooner to let them know how I was doing. He layed a big guilt trip on me, which I really didn’t need. I’m doing the best I can just to make it through the day, and hearing what a horrible person I am only reinforces my own th...

I'm back at work this week, and although I'm glad to be there, I'm already feeling exhausted. We have a new student in our classroom, and things have felt out of control and unorganized. I'll be ready to see the end of Friday, and even better, to have a long weekend coming up. Part of the problem I know is that I'm not eating well, and it is affecting my energy level and stamina. I'm not eating all day, and then when I get home, I'm so tired that I barely eat. On top of it all, there is always the eating disorder telling me that I need to lose more weight. I know that I need to be arguing with that voice, but I don't seem to have much of a fighting spirit. Yesterday I had my therapy and nutritionist sessions. They were both much needed. In therapy I talked about a family issue that has me upset and worried for a family member. I usually share almost everything here in this blog, but this is something that I don't feel comfortable discussing here. It ...

I have therapy and see my nutritionist in a little while. I did good with my food yesterday, even eating lunch out with my mom, and had some Christmas cookies last night after dinner. I felt really guilty about it, so I'm not to sure how I will do today. I haven't eaten yet, and most likely won't eat lunch, but I will try to do some dinner. I'm going to pass on getting weighed today. I don't want to hear that I haven't lost, and I certainly don't want to hear it if I've gained. My mom and I went shopping, and I was able to buy a size down in my jeans, so that made me feel good. I'm feeling fine with the weight that I am, although there is part of me that is always happy to lose more. I know that is the eating disorder talking. I'm trying not to listen to that side. It is loud, and my voice needs to get louder and more insistent. I'm in a healthier state of mind, so I think I can do it! I'm not dropping many entrecards while I'm on my ...

This picture was taken before my mom and I went out for a day of shopping and lunch. We went out and bought pajamas, which we are lounging in as I type this post. We did all of our baking yesterday. I think we are all just enjoying spending the time together. It doesn't really matter what we do. My mom went to my psychiatry appointment with me today. My doctor raised one med, lowered another one, and added a new one. The new one is supposed to help with the racing thoughts, anxiety, and insomnia. I can't seem to shut down my mind, and it especially bothers me at night. I hate that I have to take them, but everytime I try to go off of them, my depression and dissociation come back full force. She also gave me an assignment for the next time I see her. She wants me to write down thirty seconds worth of positive affirmations about myself. It doesn't seem like much, but I honestly am having a difficult time coming up with a list. After I write it all down, she wants me to make ...

I made it through Monday, and only got hit and kicked a few times. Working with aggressive kids sends my adrenaline up so high that by the end of the day I feel a bit manic. I felt close to a panic attack by lunch time, but I sat in my car for twenty minutes and listened to Josh Groban. That was calming, and the rest of the day was better. I'm fighting a cold, so most of this weekend was shot. I was running a fever, and slept most of Saturday away. Dave and I did get to go out Friday night though, and it was nice. I needed to decompress after a crazy work week. I'm so tired on the weekends, and I hate wasting them resting when I have so much that needs to be done around the house. I'm finding it hard to balance everything when I work full time. Of course, I need my computer and blogging time;-) Tomorrow I see my therapist and nutritionist. I've been feeling spacey and numb for the past week. Dealing with my dad always brings so many feelings to the surface, and I'm ...