Thoughts And Feelings

I'm overwhelmed with sadness over all the people I have hurt by my actions.

I'm sick of my own tears that flow off and on throughout each day.

I'm conflicted about the fact that I'm still here.

I don't know why I did it.

I'm mostly letting Claudia tell me what to do because it feels easier to let her make the decisions.

I can't concentrate or focus, and going to work is harder than I thought it would be.

Just 10 lbs. and then I will be happy seems to be my mantra. It comforts me.

I see my psychiatrist and my psychologist today. I hope they can help me.

I hate the dissapointed, questioning look on everyone's face.

The caring is bigger than the hurt, or so they say.

My own anger terrifies me.

Letting go sounds easier than it really is.

I am greatly loved.

With Abandon

With Abandon

I want to drift
through lavender fields.
The petals so soft
like the fingers
of children,
laying hands
on my face.
Bringing their kisses.
The sun bursting lips.
The warm blush of roses.

I want to twirl
and spin in the rain
The pelting of tears,
the pin pricks of pain.
Barefoot laughter.
Dancing in time,
to the dripping rhythm
and rhyme.

I want to sing.
Pounding keys,
plucking strings.
A melody rising,
resounding within.
Staccato, fortissimo.
The march of my heart.
Beating wild...
Abandoned...
Alive...

Angela Minard 2009©

Hold On

Hold On

As angry as a petulant child,
my rage spills onto you.
All the while
you hold out your hand.
I reach out blindly
only to recoil from
the warmth of your fire.
The thaw seems at times
to fuel the pain,
longing to return
to the numbness,
before the frostbite
burns my skin.
No longer can I stand here
frozen in time
nor turn to look back.
If anything,
I have learned
that there is no escape,
and so with gratitude,
I will hold on.

Angela Minard 2009©

Home Sweet Home

...So I took an entire bottle of Xanax(60 pills) and ended up in the ICU, and then on the psychiatric floor of a hospital for 6 days. If I'm nothing else, I am honest here in this blogging world, and that is why I have been missing in action for the past week. Definitely not my proudest moment, and something that I will regret for the rest of this life that I have been so privileged to live. A panic attack, depression, and anxiety got the better of me, and I behaved irrationally and impulsively. I had a panic attack while trying on clothes during a shopping trip. I went home feeling hopeless, defeated, and filled with thoughts of self loathing and disgust. I don't remember it, but I did reach out to my therapist by e-mail and told her that I had taken an overdose. She contacted my husband, who then took me to the emergency room. Suicide is such a selfish act, and I feel sick about hurting and worrying my family and friends in this way. I never meant to hurt anyone else in this...I just wanted the pain to end. I have had a lot of time to think while in the hospital, and I never plan on attempting anything like this ever again. I want to be stronger than this eating disorder and depression, and strong enough to bury the pain of the past. I have been given a second chance, and I plan on making the most of it...Here and now...One day at a time.

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall...

This has been a long, cold week, and I'm so glad that it is over. I have been observing in an autism preschool classroom this week. The student that I work with in the high school is not coming back to school, so I'm being placed in a different classroom. I hate observing. I would rather just jump into the mix. I feel so useless and in the way when I'm just watching, even though I am actually learning a great deal. This feeling of not contributing, and just taking up space has really hit a nerve and I have been emotional all week. I need this long weekend to re-energize my spirit. One of the things that I need to do this weekend is to go shopping for new clothes. I have put it off for entirely too long because I'm afraid. I have a new body that will not fit into extra small, child size clothing any longer. I want to celebrate this fact, but I'm not quite there yet. All that I feel is fear and anxiety, but I know that I need to do this. I'm tired of wearing the same four outfits each week! I think that once I have some clothes that fit, and that I like, I will start to feel better about myself... at least that is what I'm hoping for. Typing that sentence has turned on the waterworks. I'm terrified of looking at this new body in the mirror. I have managed to avoid myself for months, and now...am I strong enough to do this?

Nurturing Myself

In my therapy sessions, we are starting to focus on my negative and distorted body image. I cannot stand to look at or BE in my body. I try to avoid my own image as much as possible, and being naked is especially uncomfortable. I was telling my therapist that I hurry through my shower every morning and put my clothes back on as fast as I can, so she thought it would be a good exercise to try and stand in the shower longer than I usually do and just feel and BE in my own body. It doesn't sound like such a big deal, but it has been a very difficult thing for me to do. The last time that I remember really feeling good about being in my body was during my four pregnancies. During those times, I didn't mind the feeling of my body expanding, and the changes that were taking place. It was so unlike puberty, when I was horrified and disgusted by what was happening. I never restricted my food intake while I was pregnant, and I really didn't worry that much about my weight. My concern was to care for the new life that was growing inside of me. It is funny, but I'm realizing that as soon as I was finished breast feeding each of my boys, the eating disorder would kick in again, full force. I could feed and nurture my children, but not myself. So now I'm learning how to take care of and love myself, and that includes accepting the body that I inhabit. I think that maybe it is going to be the hardest part of recovering from this eating disorder.

The Search For Inner Peace

This is the last day of my winter break, and I'm sad about it. I really enjoyed staying home and hanging out with Dave and the boys. I could definitely get used to it, but oh well...back to reality! I think the boys are ready to get back to school, although Roman has been moping around the house all day. We all need to get back to the normal routine.

I didn't have any therapy or sessions with my nutritionist for the entire break, and I think that all in all, I did okay. I'm starting to open up more and more with Dave when I'm struggling, so that has helped. I even did well with food over the holidays, with very little restricting. I'm not happy with where my weight is, but then again, when am I ever satisfied with that? I'm doing what I need to do to be healthy, and all that I can do is take it one meal at a time and one day at a time. I'm not sure what to do about the body image issue. I would like it to be better, but I'm not sure what I need to do to make that happen, and maybe it never does. Maybe it is more about acceptance, and I just need more time to get there. I want it so much. I long for inner peace and self acceptance, and hopefully, eventually, I will find it.

The Imposter

The Imposter

Sometimes you laugh
out loud while your sleeping
giving me the cold,
eerie feeling that I
do not know you at all.
Unfamiliar, the sounds
of a stranger dreaming,
like the half closed
transparent eyes
of a child's slumber,
transforming the face
with a quivering smile,
the chuckle sounding
foreign in the darkness.
I fear the unknown
hidden secrets you keep.

Angela Minard 2009©