Nurturing Myself

In my therapy sessions, we are starting to focus on my negative and distorted body image. I cannot stand to look at or BE in my body. I try to avoid my own image as much as possible, and being naked is especially uncomfortable. I was telling my therapist that I hurry through my shower every morning and put my clothes back on as fast as I can, so she thought it would be a good exercise to try and stand in the shower longer than I usually do and just feel and BE in my own body. It doesn't sound like such a big deal, but it has been a very difficult thing for me to do. The last time that I remember really feeling good about being in my body was during my four pregnancies. During those times, I didn't mind the feeling of my body expanding, and the changes that were taking place. It was so unlike puberty, when I was horrified and disgusted by what was happening. I never restricted my food intake while I was pregnant, and I really didn't worry that much about my weight. My concern was to care for the new life that was growing inside of me. It is funny, but I'm realizing that as soon as I was finished breast feeding each of my boys, the eating disorder would kick in again, full force. I could feed and nurture my children, but not myself. So now I'm learning how to take care of and love myself, and that includes accepting the body that I inhabit. I think that maybe it is going to be the hardest part of recovering from this eating disorder.