The sentences run circles around my head, and I put them here, my own personal mind dump. I don't know what I would do without the release of words, and without someone to read, and "hear" me. It is not only the writing, but the feeling of knowing that I'm not alone.
I've been struggling since Thanksgiving. I'm up, down, and all over the place. I need to get back on track. I wonder why it is that I continue to derail myself, making the same self destructive choices over and over again. One thing that I've done is that I'm not taking my medications like I should be. Everyday when I take them, I'm reminded of all of the pain. I'm reminded that I will probably always need help. Sometimes I decide to go off my meds because I think that I'm fine without them, and I don't want to be reminded. I've made this mistake numerous times, and it never ends up well, so why don't I ever seem to learn? I lose all rational judgment when I do this, making poor choices across the board, and here I am again, calling myself an idiot. I'm sorry to my family, who always gets hurt when I once again sabotage myself. My therapist will not be happy. I wonder when she will get fed up, when everyone will get fed up, and say that enough is enough? When will everyone get tired of my tests to see who will stick around? It really needs to stop. I know that I'm loved and cared for. I don't need to keep doing this. I don't want to end up back in the hospital this winter. I don't think my family can take another round. I want this year to be different, and only I can make it happen. I will stand back up on my own two feet, take a deep breath, and find the strength to forgive myself. I only hope that everyone else will be able to forgive me, yet again.
Posts
