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Sunday, December 5, 2010

Derailed

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The sentences run circles around my head, and I put them here, my own personal mind dump. I don't know what I would do without the release of words, and without someone to read, and "hear" me. It is not only the writing, but the feeling of knowing that I'm not alone.

I've been struggling since Thanksgiving. I'm up, down, and all over the place. I need to get back on track. I wonder why it is that I continue to derail myself, making the same self destructive choices over and over again. One thing that I've done is that I'm not taking my medications like I should be. Everyday when I take them, I'm reminded of all of the pain. I'm reminded that I will probably always need help. Sometimes I decide to go off my meds because I think that I'm fine without them, and I don't want to be reminded. I've made this mistake numerous times, and it never ends up well, so why don't I ever seem to learn? I lose all rational judgment when I do this, making poor choices across the board, and here I am again, calling myself an idiot. I'm sorry to my family, who always gets hurt when I once again sabotage myself. My therapist will not be happy. I wonder when she will get fed up, when everyone will get fed up, and say that enough is enough? When will everyone get tired of my tests to see who will stick around? It really needs to stop. I know that I'm loved and cared for. I don't need to keep doing this. I don't want to end up back in the hospital this winter. I don't think my family can take another round. I want this year to be different, and only I can make it happen. I will stand back up on my own two feet, take a deep breath, and find the strength to forgive myself. I only hope that everyone else will be able to forgive me, yet again.

10 Comments:

Ann said...

Angela, we all need help in one way or another. Stop being so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break.

Anonymous said...

Kiddo: We don't need to forgive you because these things really are not done on purpose! You don't do it to test us, because we will never stop caring and being there for you. So you can't run me or us away. Just continue to move in the direction your last few blogs have been on. If you go back and read them you are on the right path to resolve everything. It just still will take more time to fix it. Just continue to hang in there. We will always be there for you.

For the first time I am on medication and I wonder why. I just know that I "must" take it to be better, the same as you. So take your damn medicine.

You are doing "fine" so keep up the good work.

Love

Old Man in Florida

Lily said...

Agreed, if they really love you, it is unconditional and without limits. Praying for you!

I Hate to Weight said...

i hope you will take your meds. it's just too hard to do the work without them, i've found. when i don't take lexapro, i just cry. period. no chance to do anything else -- i can't get past the sadness and tears.

i don't remember if you've written this = have you or do you do therapy for PTSD?

you've been thru so much -- way too much. of course you're going to have struggles. you're incredibly brave to talk about it.

to me, that means you're unbelievably strong and that you do want to move forward. but it's hard!!! keep it up. hugs, melissa

Blue Butterfly said...

There was this short story that I once read and it has always stayed with me since.

A man was taken down to hell by an angel one day and contrary to his idea of souls burning up in flames for all of eternity, he saw people sitting around desperately trying to feed themselves from long-handled spoons as their faces and stomachs contorted with hunger. The angel then brought him up to heaven, where people were again sitting around the same table with the same long-handled spoons and tureens of soup. But what was different this time was that they were feeding each other across the table.

Don't be ashamed of needing help. Relationships in life are about feeding each other across the table.

*hugs*

Anonymous said...

Yes, people will continue to forgive you time and time again as long as you are helping yourself. But if you intentionally stop taking your meds and you intentionally do things to harm yourself and your well-being then you cannot ask people to forgive you. It's not fair. That's why people organize interventions. They are tired of worrying and trying to help someone who is not helping themselves. Be careful about what you do and what you expect people to do for you.

Flannery said...

Shame on you, Anonymous, who posted such an unhelpful and ignorant scolding comment! As if Angela doesn't scold herself enough for 10 people every damn moment of every damn day. Did you not read her post? She doesn't need yet another litany of foul things to echo endlessly in her head.

Forgiveness, true forgiveness, is contingent on nothing. There is no "not fair" about it. You know what's not fair? Angela's illness, that she has to fight every day just to EAT. She has to fight it everyday just to take the medication, too. That's so hard. It's so hard.

I'm sorry, Angela, I don't mean to talk about you like you're not 'here'. You ARE helping yourself. Read your own words; look at how much you care! Everybody I've ever known to be on mood-improving-type drugs has struggled to take them, precisely because taking them is so contingent on mood.

Old Man In Florida has it right. There is nothing to forgive, because these things are not done on purpose. This is an illness. Some days suck. The thing that I am finding the hardest to do is to forgive myself for not recovering perfectly, in a straight line to victory. My group tells me that downs like this one happen for a reason--to keep my heart open, and see what I can learn each time I fall down. And that if I can't keep my heart open, that that's ok too!

I believe in you. If you fall down, try to forgive yourself. Or, alternatively, forgive yourself for not forgiving yourself.

((((hugs)))) much love

Sia Jane said...

Keep fighting.
You ARE strong enough xxxx

Shinade said...

It took me a long long time too Angel to learn about my meds and stuff.

You have been doing really good and things will turn around again.

Just know you are not alone. There are a lot of us out here fighting battles and we need help too.

Annis right. You are much to hard on yourself. Forgive yourself and give yourself a break!!

You have been working very very hard...don't stop now!!

Big hugs for you!!:-)

JBR said...

Angela appreciate you sharing, thank you.