Dreams Come True

*I wrote this last week~ 

It is the first day of winter break, and I had planned on sleeping in, but my mind didn't allow that to happen. I am amazed at not only the amount, but the quick pace of single thoughts that run through my head. They come so rapidly that I can't even keep up, and I recognize that quite often these racing thoughts eventually lead to a panic attack. It is like my brain can only take so much before it short circuits and I figuratively explode. My therapist suspects that my panic attacks are triggered by bottled up anger. I'm not sure, or maybe I don't like to admit that I get angry. I don't feel angry at the moment, but these incessant thoughts cause anxiety. 

Writing helps, and so here I am...

I try to distract myself. I have painted my nails, called my brother, dyed my hair. I will go to yoga, I'm having dinner with friends later, and hopefully the thoughts will slow down. I'm happy to have some time away from work, and although I will still be teaching yoga, having space during the day will be good, or at least I think it will be good!

*It has been good~ 

I am proud of how I am using the tools I have learned throughout the years. I haven't had any panic attacks. Down time can be dangerous for me, but I haven't had much free time. I still taught yoga, and so even when I wasn't actually teaching, I was planning my classes. I taught a Christmas Eve Yin class, and I wanted so much for it to feel special. The best part was that all of my teachers were there to take class, and that meant the world to me. It was a full house. I counted forty eight students, and my husband was counted among them. He is also one of my teachers and greatest supports. I left the studio that morning walking on air, completely filled with joy that I am blessed to be able to share what I love. My boys were all home for Christmas. I baked biscotti with Roman, who helped me roll them into balls, and ice them. I double my Nonni's recipe, so it is a gigantic amount of cookies! We spent Christmas day with Dave's family, and then came home. Dave and I watched Elf, and napped under the electric blanket until bed time. It was perfect! I don't usually teach at all on Saturday's, but my sweet teacher/friend Emily, who also owns the studio, was not feeling well, so I subbed her class this morning. After class, I met one of my dearest friends who was only in town for the day for lunch, and now I'm home again, planning tomorrow's classes. How is this my life? My friend, Jackie reminded me of a couple of years ago when I told her my dream of teaching yoga. She also reminded me that I didn't think it would actually happen. It happened, and dreams really do come true! 

My next dream is to figure out how to publish my writing in book form. I have many ideas, but I'm not sure of the direction it will take. 

Stay tuned, and always keep dreaming! 

A Bright Future

Family Pic 2007

I'm emotional tonight in such a beautiful way, and for many reasons. Our number three son (in the white t-shirt) just moved to college, and he is the first of our children to make this transition. He is a mere forty five minutes from our home, and it would definitely tug more forcefully at my heart if he were further in distance, but it still changes the dynamics of our family, and his constant presence will be missed. I have prepared myself for this inevitable moment since the day he was born, because that is how I am. A piece of me always knew when I had children not to hold on too tightly, because they eventually fly on their own. Today I learned that there really is nothing more rewarding than watching your child soar toward their own destiny, knowing that you helped to raise a kind and loving individual who will contribute greatly to this world. I'm proud of my son, and I'm also proud of us as a family. We have survived some tough times, but I do believe that it has given all of us the strength to persevere and extend compassion to others. 

With gratitude, I move toward a bright future, knowing that change is not only inevitable, but glorious and exciting. I embrace every new experience with an open heart, filled with love and light. 

Bring Me Home

Bring Me Home

I know that I'm not easy
The past is haunting,
and I'm lost.
Always you find me
and bring me home
There are times when I'm paralyzed
empty and numb
The bitter winter drives me away
and there I go again
my mind is fragmented with pain
but the ground thaws
coming back to life
There is laughter surrounding me
wrapping me in the warmth of your arms
that hold me tight
I return
I am found
The darkness fades
and hands reach for me
bringing me toward light and love
I test and push,
but there you are
Always you find me
and bring me home

Angela Minard 2011©

Derailed

The sentences run circles around my head, and I put them here, my own personal mind dump. I don't know what I would do without the release of words, and without someone to read, and "hear" me. It is not only the writing, but the feeling of knowing that I'm not alone.

I've been struggling since Thanksgiving. I'm up, down, and all over the place. I need to get back on track. I wonder why it is that I continue to derail myself, making the same self destructive choices over and over again. One thing that I've done is that I'm not taking my medications like I should be. Everyday when I take them, I'm reminded of all of the pain. I'm reminded that I will probably always need help. Sometimes I decide to go off my meds because I think that I'm fine without them, and I don't want to be reminded. I've made this mistake numerous times, and it never ends up well, so why don't I ever seem to learn? I lose all rational judgment when I do this, making poor choices across the board, and here I am again, calling myself an idiot. I'm sorry to my family, who always gets hurt when I once again sabotage myself. My therapist will not be happy. I wonder when she will get fed up, when everyone will get fed up, and say that enough is enough? When will everyone get tired of my tests to see who will stick around? It really needs to stop. I know that I'm loved and cared for. I don't need to keep doing this. I don't want to end up back in the hospital this winter. I don't think my family can take another round. I want this year to be different, and only I can make it happen. I will stand back up on my own two feet, take a deep breath, and find the strength to forgive myself. I only hope that everyone else will be able to forgive me, yet again.

Headed Back to Kansas

I'm on my way back home to Kansas tomorrow morning, and leaving is bittersweet. I've had such a nice time with my family, and it is hard for me to be away from them. We were so close for a long time, and my mom and I practically grew up together. Through the divorce, we went through a lot, and she taught me what it meant to have strength. I miss Dave and the boys though, and I will be happy to get back to them. Tonight I went to a Japanese restaurant for dinner, and then I called Dave when I got home, and they were having Bagel Bites, so I did feel a bit guilty. Not too much though! I have been pampered and well taken care of here. It has been nice.

I've been anxious because I haven't been able to walk on the treadmill while I've been here, but I know it is good to have a break, and not to be so hard core and obsessive about it. That is what I keep telling myself! I feel like I've gained weight since I've been here, but I'm sure that's all in my head. My head is not always the best place place to be.
On to other things...Today I was able to see a former student and her family that moved to Georgia. They came over to visit, and it was so great to see them. I worked with her for three years, and I'm just crazy about both her and her family. It makes me feel so good that they wanted to see me while I was in town. I'm so blessed to have so many people who care about me. Today I feel very loved, and you can't beat that!

Florida

Here I am in sunny Florida, and it is beautiful. It is my first day here, and mom and I have been shopping, to the grocery store, and just finished making up some salads. We always have fun in the kitchen together. Of course, we talk like crazy about anything and everything. I'm looking forward to hanging by the pool the rest of this week, working on my tan, and enjoying my family. My parents have three cats, and I love cats. Unfortunately, I've always been highly allergic. I brought my inhalers and everything, but haven't had to use them so far, which is good. Now maybe I can talk my husband into a cat:)
There is not much else going on in my life right now. No drama. Everything is calm, and I'm enjoying the summer. I haven't done much cleaning to my house like I was going to do. Maybe when I get home I will find some motivation. We'll see...
Anyway, that is all for now. Hope everyone enjoys the weekend. I know I will!

Mother's Day

This was the first family portrait that we had taken twelve years ago. Look at my babies! They were so small, and the time has just flown by. I love everything about being a mom. Watching them grow and change into the wonderful young men that they are becoming. My love for them is overwhelming and unconditional.
You would think that having an eating disorder would have made it hard for me to be pregnant, but those were the times that I absolutely loved my body and felt the most beautiful. I took care of myself like no other time in my life, cherishing the new lives that I was carrying. They are the best part of my life!
I hope that everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day, especially my mom, who I miss and love very much.

Caught In The Cage

"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had."

I talked to my therapist on Wednesday about my sadness, and how low I’ve been feeling. She suggested that maybe I’m grieving the loss of the eating disorder. I had never really thought about that, but it does fit. I’m struggling, and sometimes I’m not even sure that I want to give it up. I purged two times this week. One time was over some fast food that I ate, and the other time I wasn’t even sure why I did it until I talked with my nutritionist. We talked about what had been going on that day, and I told her that I had received a text from my brother that had hurt my feelings. In the text he says that I’m being a coward for not calling my parents sooner to let them know how I was doing. He layed a big guilt trip on me, which I really didn’t need. I’m doing the best I can just to make it through the day, and hearing what a horrible person I am only reinforces my own thoughts and feelings about myself. Anyway…that was one of the days that I purged, but I hadn’t tied it together with the text until I had someone to help me sort through it. I’m trying not to restrict, and to stick with my meal plan, which feels very scary. I think that if I didn’t have so many people who cared about me and were trying to help me, I would be hanging on to this eating disorder for dear life. I feel like I’m letting go without a net below to break the fall. I suppose that I will have to let all of those people catch me as I come crashing to the ground.

Chances

I started back to work on Monday, and it felt really good to be back to my usual routine. I was nervous about the questions that my co-workers would ask me about why I had been gone so long, but no one really asked too many questions. I did hear from one of my co-workers that it was flying around the rumour mill that I had been gone for psychiatric treatment. He also told me that my supervisors were going to pull me into a meeting to discuss whether or not this job was too stressful for me. I'm just going to say that it is not, and that the doctors had said that I could return to work without restrictions. That is all that I'm going to say. It really isn't anyone's business why I've been gone. I had just received a great review from my supervisor, so they can't say that my work has been poor.
I've also been very busy with therapy and the addiction recovery program that I'm attending. I was really anxious about going through such an intense and long program because I had hated the A.A. meetings so much, but I'm really actually enjoying them. The people and all of the staff there are so nice and welcoming. It is such a diverse mixture of people, and very interesting to listen to their stories. I'm exhausted from my day at work, and then having to attend the three hour program in the evenings. I'm emotionally drained by the end of the night, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get my act together.
I need to call my mom and my step dad and tell them that I'm doing okay. I don't know why I've been putting it off, besides the fact that I'm ashamed and embarrassed that this happened again for the second time in two years. I'm feeling stronger now, so today I'm going to suck it up and give them a call.
I've been eating better. I'm drinking a meal replacement shake in the morning and afternoon, and then eating dinner. It is more than I've consumed in months, and it is really stressing me out. I actually cried yesterday, while I was drinking the shake. I know that sounds so ridiculous, but it's hard. I had lost most of the weight that I had gained last year, and I'm just terrified to put it back on because I was so miserable. I'm going to do this though. I don't want to put my family through this again. Well, that is what is going on in my life at the moment. I'm just grateful to have been given so many chances to live.

Winter Blessings

Winter Blessings

Waiting for snowfall,
and the squeals
of pink cheeked children.

In slow motion,
I watched them grow,
and yet the time has passed
in a blur of smiles and tears wept.

The wrapping arms
of young men.
Family gathered
and surrounded in love.

The gift of forever
in their eyes
overflowing with gratitude
I'm blessed on this winter day

Angela Minard 2009©

The Power Of Choices

I’ve been knitting and knitting for weeks. One scarf after another for friends and family. The monotony of it keeps my mind still, but this morning it doesn’t seem to be helping. All that I can think about are the damn cookies that I ate last night before I went to bed. I’m disgusted with myself, and feel like a fat pig right now. I hate all of the food around the holidays. Tonight we are having a big dinner, and if my family wasn’t here, I would eat none of it. I feel like severly restricting the moment that they all leave. It hurts because I love them so much, and this fucking eating disorder gets in the way of that. My therapist would be proud of me about the anger right now. “Yes, get angry!,” she would say. I am angry for all of the life that it has stolen from me. I have the choices right here in my own hands. I decide. Me. I’m in charge of this body. For so long, I felt absolutely no control over my own body. My body was taken, stolen, used, and I’m still trying to get it back. All of these years, and I need to take ownership, otherwise they win.

Take back your power!

Mother/Daughter Day

This picture was taken before my mom and I went out for a day of shopping and lunch.

We went out and bought pajamas, which we are lounging in as I type this post. We did all of our baking yesterday. I think we are all just enjoying spending the time together. It doesn't really matter what we do.

My mom went to my psychiatry appointment with me today. My doctor raised one med, lowered another one, and added a new one. The new one is supposed to help with the racing thoughts, anxiety, and insomnia. I can't seem to shut down my mind, and it especially bothers me at night. I hate that I have to take them, but everytime I try to go off of them, my depression and dissociation come back full force. She also gave me an assignment for the next time I see her. She wants me to write down thirty seconds worth of positive affirmations about myself. It doesn't seem like much, but I honestly am having a difficult time coming up with a list. After I write it all down, she wants me to make a copy, laminate it, and carry it around with me. She said in her German accent,"Life is too short not to love yourself." Tomorrow I will have therapy and see my nutritionist.

I think that I have been doing well with food since my parents have been here. I'm at least eating dinner, and a snack in the evening. Today my mom and I went to Pei Wei and had lettuce wraps, which I love, and I did okay with eating lunch. I'm a little anxious about dinner because I've already had a meal. I will try to do the best I can. It is only peel and eat shrimp, and a salad. I think that I will be able to handle a bit of that.

I am really enjoying my time off from work. My job can be very stressful, and as much as I do love it, I think in this profession, the breaks are much needed. This is a very relaxed holiday, and I don't feel stressed out at all. I used to put a lot of pressure on myself for everything to be perfect, but I'm getting so much better about that. My mom is too. We used to spend days baking and decorating, ending up so exhausted that we couldn't even enjoy any of it. Now I just feel so blessed to have everyone together.

A Birthday Post

Today is my birthday, and I just wanted to say how grateful I am to be alive and loved by so many people. I am truly blessed. Today my co-workers brought in a cake, and everyone there is so sweet, even though I have only known them for a couple of weeks. The group of kids that we work with can put a lot of stress on everyone, so it is nice to be able to get along well with each other.
My parents gave me a very generous birthday gift, so now we have a little breathing room when it comes to money. Dave's family has also helped us out recently. I don't know what I would do without my family. My only wish is that they lived closer so that we could spend more time together. This weekend Dave and I are going to have a night out, and then friends are coming over on Saturday. I'm looking forward to some good times! I'm also looking forward to the end of this work week. It sure has been long!

Wishing everyone a happy weekend:)

Reaching Out

I'm feeling good about how well I took care of myself yesterday, and today is a much easier day. I was able to reach out for help, and talked to my entire support team about what was going on. I struggled with food, but I was able to make myself a smoothie late in the afternoon, and I was also able to eat dinner. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I did many things to distract myself. I went for a walk, went to the grocery store, painted my nails, cleaned up the house, did laundry, listened to music, and watched a really funny movie called Confessions Of A Shopaholic, which I really enjoyed. It made me laugh, and that is what I needed to lift my heart up and out of the darkness of the past. Blogging and expressing my feelings also helps me to sort things out in my mind and gives me a plan of action. I'm so glad that I have this outlet!
Today has been nice and relaxing, and tonight we are going to spend the evening with Dave's family. His sister and uncle are in town, and tomorrow we will be celebrating his moms 70th birthday. It will be a fun and busy weekend filled with family which is just what I need right now. Later tonight Dave and I are also going to listen to a friend of his who plays in a band, and meet up with some of his old high school friends. I'm looking forward to that since we don't often go out without the kids. It helps so much to have activities and plans that will keep me busy and get me out of the house. It is easy for me to start isolating myself, and that never leads to anything good.
I want to thank everyone who has been reading and offering their support and encouragement. It helps a great deal to know that I'm not alone with many of my feelings, and that others have shared the same problems that I'm going through. I'm feeling stronger everyday!

Ho, Ho, Ho!

So far, I am really enjoying my winter break. Yesterday, I stayed in my pajamas all day, and it was glorious! I have really learned over the years not to stress myself out over the holidays and try to do too much. We didn't have the money to go overboard on gifts this year, and our family only buys gifts for the kids, so I really don't have that much to wrap tonight. We decided that we would go and see a movie this afternoon, so that will be fun. I just love being around my family, so that is the best part of this break. We had a dusting of snow last night, but I'm really hoping that we get more. Our yard needs a snowman! I have some really cute scarfs to accessorize him with this year.
Well, that is all for now. I just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. I have been blessed with such wonderful friends and family, and I love you all! Consider yourself hugged.
Much love,
Angie

Isolation

Tonight I'm feeling a self imposed loneliness that comes from isolating myself too much over the weekend,and it is carrying over into the beginning of this week. I miss all of my family in Florida,and talking on the phone just isn't quite the same. I selfishly want them all to move back to Kansas City! I talked with my mom on Saturday, and it was nice to catch up, and hear her laugh. I've really missed her since she went back home.
I'm trying to figure out why I'm having the need to isolate myself so much lately. It seems like it has been since work started. Last week was our first full week with students, and as much as I love all of the kids, the cacophony of our classroom can wear on me. Maybe it is just taking me awhile to get back into the swing of things, and hiding out is my way of recharging. I feel like this may only be an excuse, though I'm not sure what it would be an excuse for, exactly. I do know that I need to be aware of it so that it doesn't become a habit.

Home Sweet Home

Christian is home now, and I don't know what his grandpa did to him while he was visiting, but he was up early this morning, mowing the lawn! Whatever he did, it sure is nice to have him home. His brothers were so happy to see him that they carried his luggage out of the airport for him. I'm so very blessed to have such a wonderful family.
I start back to work next week, and it is a good thing, because I can only clean house, knit, and exercise so much. Dave says that he has at least ten pairs of underwear, but keeps on wearing the same two pair because I do laundry so much. I'm just afraid of getting behind, because that is always what seems to happen when I work. I just can't possibly keep up with everything that has to be done around here. Everyone has promised to help though, and I hope so, because it does become very overwhelming. I'm excited to see the kids at work. I've missed them all so much. I checked Sam's blog the other day, and he has been blogging almost everyday. If you get a chance, go check it out. I'm so proud of him!

Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend:)

Sunday Blues

Today I have been lackadaisical and a bit blue since my mom left. I was up so early, and I have napped, knitted, and puttered around the house, but now there is nothing left to do. This morning, I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, and did a few stretches. It felt good to move my body, and it is nice to actually have the energy to exercise. When I'm restricting what I eat, it makes it hard to function normally. I'm trying to remind myself of this fact! My sister in law sent me some wonderful pictures from last evening, so I suppose that I will post those, and try to stay busy.

A Melancholy Ache

It is raining here this morning, which is quite in step with my melancholy mood. I'm feeling sad that my mom will be leaving in a few days. I also miss my son, my brother, and my dad, who are all in Florida. Yesterday my dad opened his own 7 Eleven franchise, and I wish we could have been there together to share in his excitement and success. It is hard sometimes to have my side of the family clear across the country. Christian will be home next week, and I'm excited about that. He is talking about wanting to go to college in Florida. The time is coming soon, to let him spread his wings and fly on his own. If anyone can teach him upstanding work ethics and how to be a good man, it will be my dad though, so if that is what he wants to do, then it is fine with me. I'm really going to miss my mom. When she arrived here this summer, I was still very depressed. I didn't know if I even had the energy to get everything accomplished that I wanted to do. She gently pushed me, babied me, and loved me through all of it, and in a few days, after I could see the results of our work, my spirits began to lift. I'm so grateful that she could come here to help me, and now I'm really going to miss her when she leaves.
Tomorrow we are having all of Dave's family over to see all of the work that we have done to the house. It will also be a little going away party for mom, since she leaves on Sunday. I'm just going to cherish these last moments together!

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

Last night, we took the boys and my mother and father-in-law to a Royals game. It was a beautiful evening, and even though we lost, we had a really great time. With incredible persistance, our youngest son scored a practice ball, and then later in the game, a foul ball. The look of surprise and delight on his face was definitely the best part of the evening!