Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Power Of Choices


I’ve been knitting and knitting for weeks. One scarf after another for friends and family. The monotony of it keeps my mind still, but this morning it doesn’t seem to be helping. All that I can think about are the damn cookies that I ate last night before I went to bed. I’m disgusted with myself, and feel like a fat pig right now. I hate all of the food around the holidays. Tonight we are having a big dinner, and if my family wasn’t here, I would eat none of it. I feel like severly restricting the moment that they all leave. It hurts because I love them so much, and this fucking eating disorder gets in the way of that. My therapist would be proud of me about the anger right now. “Yes, get angry!,” she would say. I am angry for all of the life that it has stolen from me. I have the choices right here in my own hands. I decide. Me. I’m in charge of this body. For so long, I felt absolutely no control over my own body. My body was taken, stolen, used, and I’m still trying to get it back. All of these years, and I need to take ownership, otherwise they win.
Take back your power!


Wanda's Wings said...

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

Mike Golch said...

Sorry that you are having a bad time Big Hus.

Angela said...

I'm not really having a bad time. Just struggling with eating disorder stuff, and finally starting to feel some anger about it. I think that is a sign of healing.
Thank you Wanda, and Mike for the good thoughts and hugs:)

Anonymous said...

hugggggg I'm new to your blog

Miss Sara said...


I truly hope that you get to a point in your life where you no longer allow "eating disorder stuff" to consume you. I wish for you to be able to eat a cookie & not be obsessive about it.

I hope that you ENJOY the Holidays.


Ruth said...